The SmarK RAW Rant – November 5 / 2001

The SmarK RAW Rant for November 5, 2001

– Well, the long-awaited WWF book by yours truly (“Tonight…In This Very Ring!”) appears to be a reality and a deal should be finalized by the end of the week as my agent hammers out the details. More details to come, of course, and I’m thinking June 2002 or so as the release date.

– Nice to see Heat was back to jobberiffic goodness and dumb skits at WWF NY. All the wrestling from the previous couple of weeks was just spoiling us anyway.

– For those unaware, Christian won the European title from Bradshaw during last week’s Smackdown tapings, but they couldn’t fit it into the time. So basically, there are now so many title changes that they don’t even have enough TV time to fit them all in. Pretty telling, no?

– Live from Long Island, NY. Why the hell do they even BOTHER coming here anymore? The shows don’t sell out because the market has been overexposed to the product and burned out, and as a result you get the worst crowds in wrestling sitting on their hands for two hours and stinking up the product. And yet Nassau seems to get a RAW every three months. Meanwhile, up here in Canada outside of Toronto, where we provide the only consistent sellouts and loud crowds the WWF even seems to have anymore, we get a house show every year (maybe) and a RAW every 4 years. Wazzupwitdat?

– Your hosts are JR & Heyman.

– Opening interview: Vince McMahon. Again. Oh, good, I was beginning to miss him, having not seen him on TV since Thursday. He apparently has a Major Announcement – someone from the Alliance will be jumping to the WWF … at Survivor Series. Well, if the Survivor Series is the end of the angle, I’d say it’s a pretty inconsequential storyline twist, no? But hey, like I say, if you can’ t wow ‘em with workrate, baffle ‘em with bullshit. So Vince gives it away, declaring Steve Austin to be the traitor. Steve of course comes out to discount that statement, Vince is a liar, blah blah, KICK WHAM STUNNER (to no reaction), and Vince is all smiles. Okay then.

– During the break, Austin gets the third degree from the Alliance.

– Ivory v. Lita. What an opener. Ivory attacks and hiptosses her for two. Lita comes back with a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Corner clothesline, but she gets hotshotted for two. Ivory flapjacks her for two, crowd is of course dead. The old rope burn fails to rile anyone up, and Lita comes back with a facejam. Lita comes back with a backdrop and flying headscissors. Legsweep gets two. I would be remiss in not mentioning that Lita runs the ropes like Mongo MacMichael recently. And yet a guy like Sean O’ Haire isn’t “ready”. Yeah. Twist of Fate is blocked and Lance Storm, continuing his role as Ivory’s valet, comes out to interfere, only to get clocked by Matt Hardy, but Lita’s all distracted and Ivory gets the pin at 4:04. Lita is getting worse than Chyna, even at the basics, and poor Ivory had to do everything in her power to bump for Lita’s sloppy offense. DUD Generally when formerly competent athletes start stinking up the ring every night, it’s either laziness or drugs, so hopefully she’s just getting a big head and not a habit.

– Meanwhile, Austin & Shane have a pow-wow. Shane thinks that the fix might be in at Survivor Series. Wrestling matches? FIXED? Apparently Vince may just be using the Austin tease to deflect suspicion away from the REAL mole, Kurt Angle. Oh, god, I hate it when the writers get cute and try these sort of “I know that you know that I know but he doesn’t know that I know you know, you know?” storylines because they can hardly even remember who has the power to book which title matches as it is without getting into complex Vince/Shane mindgame storylines that inevitably end with one of them turning face/heel and reuniting the family and declaring the last six months to be a big master plan. JR, however, redeems the segment on the camp humor level by asking, in a serious tone mind you, “Who’s zoomin’ who here?” Now, maybe I just don’t get out enough, but personally I’ve never been “zoomed” by anyone and really I’m sure if I WAS zoomed, I’d be reasonably certain of who was doing it. But maybe that’s just me. Anyway, Austin seems more upset with Angle for not wearing his Austin 3:16 hat, and Angle wants to make sure Austin “has his back” (wink wink nudge nudge) later tonight against UT. For those who don’t speak WWF, that means “DQ FINISH IN THE KURT ANGLE MATCH.”, in large letters.

– Intercontinental title match: Edge v. Test. You know there’s too many title changes when the guy who just won the tag titles on Smackdown is already being split off into a solo program again for ANOTHER title. This was set up on Heat in one of the few redeeming points of that show. Brawl outside to start, and Edge hammers away. He gets hotshotted and choked. Test stomps a mudhole, but misses a blind charge. He gets a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Suplex gets two. Foot choke and the crowd is still dead. You know, maybe Test should consider dropping that move since Stacy seems to have adopted it. It just loses its luster somehow. Edge spears him out of the corner, and makes the comeback. Leg lariat gets two, Edge-o-Matic gets two. Test powerbomb is countered for two, and Edge gets a tornado DDT for two. Hey, now we’re getting somewhere. Edge goes up again, but Test crotches him and pins him in the corner to win the IC title at 5:56. Oh, boy, another title change. That’ll help make these things mean something again. You know, I’m practically a walking encyclopedia of wrestling, and even I can’t remember half the champions anymore. I’m not even 100% sure who the two light heavyweight champions are at the moment without looking it up. That should tell you about how much the poor casual fans are able to keep track of these things. And you know what? I had the exact same problem during most of 2000 with WCW, too, when Russo was changing THOSE titles every week, too. Match was brutally slow until Test caught up with Edge. *1/2

– Meanwhile, the WWF steals another one of my joking ideas, as Christian is interviewed by mild-mannered reporter Greg Helms about his upcoming match against the Hurricane. Boy, that Edge/Christian split sure propelled both guys to the top, didn’t it?

– Meanwhile, Rock confronts Vince, as he’s been waiting for Austin. Well, that’s great, let’s just blow off Jericho right now and dump any pretense of him having a chance tonight.

– European title: Christian v. The Hurricane. Christian wears a Diamondbacks jersey to endear himself to the crowd, and then delivers exactly the speech I had hoped he would, noting that he gets the job done, unlike Rivera. Biggest heel heat so far. Christian attacks but gets beaten down. Headscissors gets two, but Christian gets a pair of gutbusters and an abdominal stretch. Hurricane escapes while the fans amuse themselves by chanting “Yankees suck/Let’s go Yankees” depending on whether they’re Mets fans or not. Hurricane bodypress gets two, Sugarsmack gets two. Eye o’ the Hurricane is reversed to the Unprettier for the pin at 3:08. Welcome to Jobberville, population Helms. They don’t even know if the guy’s a babyface or heel anymore, or working for the Alliance, or what. And didn’t Christian join the Alliance like two weeks ago? Have they just dropped that whole angle already? The really sad thing is that they could throw Hurricane/Chavo/Kidman/X-Pac/Lynn v. Scotty/Tajiri/The Hardy Boyz/Maven or some other random combination of light heavyweights out there at Survivor Series and get a ****1/2 match out of it given more than 15 minutes and some thought, which would then jumpstart a division right away. Such are the dreams of fools like I. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, William Regal gives the Alliance a peptalk, and Booker accuses RVD of being the double-agent. Regal makes a match to settle things. What exactly IS Regal the commisioner of, again? And if (in theory) Regal and Foley are the ones who are supposed to making matches for RAW, then who’s making the matches outside of the ones made by Regal and Foley? And if Foley doesn’t show up, how do matches get made? Do Vince and Shane draw straws?

– Meanwhile, Stephanie reaffirms her faith in Kurt Angle. Sexual tension is teased. Well, they screwed up this angle the first time, and then screwed it up again by teasing something with Chris Jericho and then going nowhere with it, so I’m not getting my hopes up for a third kick at the can. Funny how all the other valets are interchangable tarts who jump from man to man, but Stephanie is the untouchable and sultry sexpot of the WWF, no? And while I’m on the subject, in the grand scheme of things what the fuck was the point of Stephanie ruining the Jericho-Rock match at No Mercy, anyway? THAT angle didn’t go anywhere and in the long run it would have helped everything 100x more for Rock to tap clean to Jericho.

– US title match: Kurt Angle v. Undertaker. This should be an interesting lesson in politics. Undertaker attacks him on the floor, and gets two back in the ring. Taker hammers away and takes him down with an armbar, and works the arm. Angle reverses for two. Does anyone else find the notion of Undertaker out-wrestling a gold-medal-winning Olympic wrestler a LITTLE far-fetched? Taker gets the ROPEWAK OF DEATH and a corner clothesline, but misses a charge and hurts his leg. Angle goes after it like Lee Marshall on any kind of employment, but Taker shrugs him off and tosses him. He charges and gets introduced to the stairs knee-first. Angle keeps hammering the leg, quite viciously. Back in, more abuse follows. He can’t get the Anglelock, however, and Taker comes back. Angle suplexes him for two, and then grabs a facelock, but Taker fights out and slugs away. Big boot, but he uses the bad leg and hurts himself. Good psychology there. Chokeslam, but he hurts his leg again. Last Ride is reversed to Anglelock #2 in the center of the ring, but Taker powers out. Angle hangs on in a nice touch that would mean a million times more if UT taps…but instead they decide to go for the Full Retarded Booking Monty and have Taker reverse the hold out of nowhere until Steve Austin runs in for the telegraphed DQ finish at 8:57. You know, Kane tapped to the anklelock just a few days ago, and I didn’t notice HIM suddenly dropping dead or the world ending. But I guess Undertaker is the future of the WWF or something. Match was shockingly decent thanks to the selling and psychology although it ended up meaning bubkus thanks to the ending. **1/2

– Table match: The APA & Jackie v. The Dudley Boyz & Stacy. Oh, boy, another table match. Hold me back. Bradshaw goes after D-Von, but Stacy & Jackie scrap. Match turns into a total mess and the Dudleyz put some tables in, but the APA beat on them. Bubba tries a powerbomb out of the corner on Bradshaw, but Faarooq moves the table. Bubba takes care of Jackie, but apparently you can’t powerbomb Jackie either. Faarooq finishes with a spinebuster through the table at 4:29. So much for Bradshaw’s big single push, I guess. Ѕ*

– RVD v. Booker T. Booker attacks and gets a clothesline, but Rob comes back with some kicks. He goes up with a missile dropkick and Rolling Thunder for two. Jim Ross notes that this is a Hardcore title match, as though anyone cares anymore, and thanks Regal for making it as such. HOLD THE BOAT. The Hardcore title is a WWF title, no? And didn’t we just finish jumping through a bunch of storyline hoops over the past month to establish that this is exactly the sort of thing that Regal CANNOT do? Tajiri pops up out of the crowd to attack color commentator Regal, drawing Booker out to help, and then Big Show waddles in to chokeslam everyone for no adequately explored reason for the Sportz Entertainment Finish around 2:30. Yeah, it’s a DQ in a match that may or may not have been a hardcore match depending on which version of reality you subscribe to, and it’s not even the dumbest thing tonight. Booker and RVD are supposed to main-eventing the next PPV after getting manhandled by Big Show? Can they even remember what Big Show’s role is from week to week? One week he’s teaming with Spike, another with Tajiri, another he’s solo in the hardcore division jobbing to RVD, and now he’s back with Tajiri again supposedly as a WWF loyalist. My head hurts. DUD

– WCW title: Chris Jericho v. The Rock. Jericho chops away to start, but takes a forearm. Jericho gets his own and hammers away. Rock gets a samoan drop for two. He charges but eats elbow, and Jericho comes on with a missile dropkick for two. Rock Bottom / Walls of Jericho reversal sequence and Rock makes the ropes. Jericho dropkicks him off the apron and they brawl. Back in, Jericho goes up and gets crotched. Rock superplexes him for two. Standing elbow and they slug it out, but Jericho walks into a lariat and Rock gets two. He lays in some chops, Jericho returns fire, but Rock gets more heelish and continues the beating. Jericho DDTs him and both guys are down. Jericho wins a slugfest, and gets an elbow and neckbreaker for two. He goes up and hits a flying elbow for two. Backbreaker gets two. More chops, but Jericho puts his head down and gets clobbered. Rock suplexes him and hooks the Sharpshooter in the middle. Rock either needs to learn to do it properly or find another submission move. Jericho makes the ropes, but walks into the spinebuster. People’s Elbow misses, and a Jericho Bottom gets a hot two count. Jericho can’t regroup enough to do more than kicking, so he tosses Rock. Outside, Rock meets stairs and Jericho preps the table and they head there. Jericho gives him the “Break Down” (forward legsweep) on the table, and heads back in. You know, maybe I’m a stickler for the details, but generally it would be smart for Jericho to request a COUNTOUT while Rock lays around on the floor for like 30 seconds. Back in, Jericho pulls a turnbuckle off to expose the STEEL rod. Rock eats said turnbuckle and bleeds, sort of. Jericho puts him in the Walls, and for a brief moment as Rock flexes against the move with blood in his face, I think they might do the Steve Austin passing-out ending, but then Rock makes the ropes and cradles Jericho for the pin and the title at 15:07. That results makes zero sense, but the match was good. ***1/2 Jericho goes berserk and lays out Rock with a chairshot and a beltshot, and THAT wakes up the crowd. Question: Rock & Jericho are supposed to be concerned with Survivor Series, where the Alliance is going to die, right? Well, if the Alliance “goes out of business”, doesn’t that make the WCW title pretty worthless? Why bother even fighting over a title that is going to be dead in two weeks? Does anyone stop to think about the details like that when they write this stuff?

The Bottom Line: Hey, look at that, Rock and Austin are back on top again with HHH on the horizon. What a shock. Quite the bold new direction for the company, wouldn’t you say? Wonder if HHH will squash Kurt Angle again or let Undertaker do that?

The bigger question is: Why even bother having titles in the undercard? Why even bother having an undercard anymore? Everything and everyone below the Glass Ceiling is booked seemingly at random, losing one week and winning the next week, while titles are exchanged like hockey cards. The whole show this week was built around whether or not Vince is a liar (as though fans need to pay $30 to know the answer to that one). The big sell of the PPV is that someone will turn. Wow. Maybe if they didn’t turn someone EVERY DAMN SHOW then that promise would mean something. Much like the million titles would mean something if they weren’t switched every show. Or all the stipulations that are never adhered to. Or all the repetitive stipulation matches that burn out every combination of Tables, Ladders, Chairs or Lingerie. Hey, that Big Show & Tajiri v. The Dudley Boyz feud is heating up, why not make it a Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Lingerie match for both the WWF and WCW tag titles? Haven’t seen THAT before. I think. It all kinda flows together now anyway.

Funny how it took Time-Warner 10 years to kill off WCW, and Vince 6 months.

Guess attention spans really ARE getting shorter.