The SmarK RAW Rant – September 2 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – September 2 2002

– Happy Labor Day, or as we in Canada call it, Labour Day.

– Live from Milwaukee, WI.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Eric Bischoff and what appears to be the Magic Briefcase from 1999 are out to dispute the Undisputed title. Oh god. So we’re gonna have a RAW champion. And guess who gets to be the first champion? HHH. Yes, I’m as shocked as you are. HHH comes out and buries Brock (I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments), and Eric presents him with…The Big Gold Belt. The WCW World title is back. Let the egofuck begin. Well, that unification lasted 8 months, so that’s longer than the WCCW-AWA unification at least. HHH notes that NO ONE should be champion more than him, which of course draws out Ric Flair because it’s not the Big Gold Belt until Flair jobs to legitimize it. He points out, correctly, that no one ever handed HIM a title in a briefcase. So we’ve got our main event for tonight. And of course HHH punks him out. Man, is that belt a slut or what? NWA World championship, WCW World championship, WCW International World championship, the WWF/WCW World title, and now the RAW World title. It’s the Missy Hyatt of championship gold. I’d say it’s the Tammy Sytch, but I don’t know if it’s ever been traded for crack before. If there’s ever a nuclear holocaust, all that will remain are the cockroaches, Ric Flair, and the Big Gold Belt.

– Meanwhile, Bubba gets all in HHH’s face. Everyone’s jealous of HHH. Ain’t he great? This goes about 3 minutes as HHH reminds us how great he is. I’m shocked we didn’t get a 32-man tournament tonight so HHH could go over everyone in the promotion before crowning himself champion.

– Table match: Trish & Bubba Dudley v. Chris Harvard & Molly. Wow, another iteration of this exciting feud. Bubba pounds on Nowinski to start and spears him out of the corner. I would be remiss in not mentioning Nowinski’s pre-match promo, where he promises to “burst through Molly’s hymen” in perhaps the most unneeded angle twist in years. Molly comes in but gets de-pantsed by Bubba, and Molly kicks away. A cheapshot turns the tide and the heels work Trish over. Hot tag Bubba and he flapjacks Nowinski and nearly breaks his neck. Bubba sandwiches the heels in the corner, which gives us the tried-and-true “One heel falls into another’s crotch” spot (Nowinski on Molly in this case), and they give Nowinski the Wazzup Drop. Tables are gotten, but Nowinski takes out Bubba and Molly hits Trish with the Molly-Go-Round. Trish gets put on a table outside, but Nowinski misses a dive and goes through the table. Back in, Trish headscissors Molly, and Bubba powerbombs her through the table at 6:35. Apparently the rules have changed again, as Nowinski putting himself through the table now counts as an elimination. Match was the usual. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Test still has a hankering to burn some flags.

– Meanwhile, Terri and Stacy are ready to participate in the first-ever ERIC BISCHOFF LINGERIE PILLOW-FIGHT MATCH. Wow, that Stacy jump was sure worthwhile.

– Meanwhile, Jericho is shocked and appalled that Flair is getting the title shot tonight.

– Booker T v. William Regal. Slugfest to start, won by Booker, and he goes ground-n-pound. Regal pounds back with forearms, and Booker misses a sidekick and crotches himself. Regal goes to a surfboard, but gets rolled up for two. Bad superkick gets two. Regal comes back with his neckbreaker drop for two. More forearms, but Booker gets a sidekick and axe kick for the pin at 3:10. Well, that was a whole lot of nothing. Ѕ*

– I just wish to stop and declare myself the World champion of my house. It has about the same amount of prestige.

– Meanwhile, Shawn is in a wheelchair, “via satellite” again. He promises to walk again. God, this is the kind of stuff they used to do in 1996 when they’d have taped RAWs and do “live” interviews to give the appearance of spontaneity.

– Disputed World title match: HHH v. Ric Flair. Now, since it’s just “The World title”, is it the same “The World title” that was part of the Undisputed title up to Wrestlemania, or a whole new “The World title” with a separate lineage? JR babbles about how Flair is going to win, thus guaranteeing a loss. Flair out-wrestles HHH to start, and he bails. Back in, Flair goes for a wristlock and works the arm. He chops away, but the Disputed World champion slugs him down to take over. Main Event Spinebuster and HHH pounds away. He stomps a mudhole and sends Flair out with a Flair Flip, and back in a suplex gets two. Main Event Sleeper, but Flair breaks with a suplex. Wow, this is thrilling. Flair misses a kneedrop and HHH goes for the leg and struts. Figure-four, but Flair reverses for two. Backslide gets two. HHH clotheslines him down again and keeps slugging away. Flair starts chopping and they do an awkward whip-reverse spot. Flair meets elbow in the corner, but tosses HHH. Okay, they’ve whipped each other into the corner like 5 times in a row, let’s move on. Back in, Flair can hardly get a kneecrusher, but gets the figure-four. HHH makes the ropes, but Flair goes for it again. Ref is bumped, HHH goes low, KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes at 9:38. Stop the presses. RVD and Jericho then proceed to into a brawl that pops the crowd 100x louder than HHH’s entire match. RVD goes after HHH afterwards, which I’m sure will set up a HHH-RVD match for Unforgiven so that HHH can go over RVD, too. I could see what they were trying to do with this, but it was too short to tell the kind of story they were shooting for, and HHH’s usual “lowblow, Pedigree” finish out of nowhere is getting tiresome. *3/4 Flair is DONE, it’s time to take some serious time off.

– Meanwhile, Eric tells Big Show to impress him against Tommy Dreamer. A phone call informs him that someone is defecting from RAW tonight to be with a family member. So that could be Kane, Christian, Jeff Hardy or the Island Boyz.

– Kane v. Lance Storm & Christian. Kane is mentioned as a suspect, so eliminate him. Kane tosses both around to start and hammers on Christian in the corner. Storm trips him up, but Kane chases him out and gets jumped. He meets the stairs, and gets stomped back in. A Storm dropkick gets two for Christian. Storm drops some elbows, but Kane makes his own comeback on Christian. Unprettier is blocked with an electric chair, and Kane slugs Storm down. Christian is tossed and Storm is sideslammed for two. Kane heads up with the flying lariat for two. Storm gets a leg lariat for two. The champs double-team him, but heel miscommunication gives Kane the pin on Storm at 5:24. Why even BOTHER keeping the tag titles on these guys? I mean, why even book this match. And speaking of matches I don’t want to see booked, Bradshaw saves the flag from being burned, fresh from impressing no one on Heat. OH BOY another Bradshaw push that’s gonna flop. I wish Kane’s pyro had ignited the flag (which it almost did) just because I dig unintentionally ironic things like that. *

– Big Show v. Tommy Dreamer. Show tosses him around and gets a legdrop for two. Big boot gets two. Bearhug and backdrop suplex get two. Dreamer gets tossed and meets the stairs. Back in, Dreamer uses a chair for the DQ at 2:40. Gimme a break. DUD Dreamer beats on Show with the chair afterwards. As if either guy is going anywhere.

– Meanwhile, HHH is upset with RVD and wants him TONIGHT. Eric can’t do that, but HHH is adamant. Jericho protests, but Eric makes a tag match with Jericho & HHH v. RVD & Flair instead. So they have so little main event talent that Flair has to work twice, but they’ve still got people jumping to Smackdown? Isn’t one 10-minute HHH borefest per night enough? Screw Nash, just call him Big PoocHHHie.

– Jeff Hardy v. Crash Holly. Oh man, are they hard up for matches or what? And indeed, Eric calls the match off, because he thinks Jeff is the jumper. He just wishes Jeff had given…3 minutes notice. Sayonara, Jeff. Of course, it’s not Jeff, because they said it’s Jeff. And the mystery jumper turns out to be Crash. Stop the presses. Again. And is this unnamed-team ever gonna wrestle? For those who depend on me for this sort of vital information, Jeff wearing a lime green and white hanky in his back pocket means he’ll buy dinner and jerk both himself and the lucky guy off. Man, this guy is into some weird shit.

– Lingerie Pillow-Fight: Terri v. Stacy. The ring is adorned with various pillows and stuffed animals. Jerry Lawler is your referee. Terri spanks her, but gets smothered with a stuffed animal. A slam into the bed follows, and Stacy puts an oversized clock into a pillow. It misses. Terri gives her a Broncobuster, but Stacy tries a powerbomb, and they fall over Lawler onto the bed, where Terri gets the pin at 1:38. What the hell was that? Stacy dumps a bucket of oil or something on her. Ah, the old tar-and-feather treatment. Jim Cornette would be proud. This was quite possibly one of the worst segments EVER this year. And that covers a lot of ground, including HHH being awarded the World title.

– HHH & Chris Jericho v. RVD & Ric Flair. Here’s a lesson for all you future bookers out there: When someone stinks up the ring one week in a heavily-promoted main event, push him EVEN HARDER the next week, because obviously the guy wasn’t on TV enough and thus the fans just don’t appreciate his greatness. Flair and RVD clean house and double-team Jericho. RVD gets a spinkick and monkey-flip for two. They do a reversal sequence and Jericho gets an enzuigiri for two. Rob slingshots in with a guillotine, and Flair comes in with chops. He walks into a HHH elbow, however, and they slug it out. Jericho chokes Flair out, but crotches himself. Tags abound, and Rob mulekicks HHH and dumps Jericho. He goes up with a missile dropkick on HHH, but Jericho trips him up and chairshots him. HHH gets two. Jericho tosses Flair into the crowd and HHH tosses RVD out, allowing Jericho to beat on him. Back in, HHH gets two. Jericho gets a suplex for two. Van Dam comes back, but gets rolled into the Walls. Flair breaks it up, but Jericho cuts off a tag. Flair comes in regardless and chops everyone, but HHH dumps him. Rob hits HHH with a spinkick and Rolling Thunder for two. Pedigree is reversed by RVD and he goes up, but Jericho pushes him off. Lionsault gets two for HHH. Flair ties up Jericho on the floor as HHH grabs the title, but he gets it kicked back in his face, and the frog splash finishes at 9:30. And now of course HHH goes over at the PPV. I’ve seen this done WAY too many times before (even last month, with Test-UT) to think that win meant anything. Match was decent, if a bit of a mess. **1/4

The Bottom Line: What a guy that HHH is, standing up and letting himself do a job in a meaningless tag match after being awarded the World title and monopolizing 90% of a two-hour show. Now that’s the kind of can-do spirit that this promotion needs more of. Dusty Rhodes would be proud as punch. In fact, I’m beginning to think that maybe HHH is his illegitimate son.

The “bad RAW” is back on with a second stinkeroo in a row, and from the looks of things it’s MORE HHH TO COME. Yee-haw.