The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 10.16.08

Previously in the Small-For-All…

The Small-For-All Universe witnessed the return of the Great Khali to the Small’s life. While the Khali-For-All did not have much relevant information (really, it was just the Khali Kiss Kam), it did allow Small to use an “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” reference.

In other news, Small was the first to break the news on how awfully expensive Cyber Sunday is. When we talk about buyrates below, you will see why Vince McMahon needs more of your money… and your blood.

Also, Small wrote a filler piece on Charlie Haas just to get to a “The Bird is the Word” reference. See how this week Small dedicates a page of nonsense just to set up an “Yum, guacamole” reference.

Lastly, Small might have posted a picture that included snatch. Granted, he doesn’t think so and it wouldn’t be the worst thing you would have noticed in the picture – that would be a real picture of JP.

Editor’s Note: The following Small-For-All was written on Tuesday night. So if the news briefs are quite similar to Sullivan’s report, I apologize in advance. Though, unlike Sullivan’s news report, mine’s actually funny.

Welcome back to another salad tossing edition of the Small-For-All Universe’s favorite news report! In this week’s edition, we talk about the latest departures in both the WWE and TNA, we guess Ashley’s “P-word”, and most importantly, I beat a joke into submission.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, Yes…

KHALI!!!!!

Of course, we must start off with this week’s Khali news. Two weeks ago, the Great Khali was a visitor on Johnny Knoxville’s radio program. During his interview with the Punjabi Prince, Knoxville made the silly mistake of asking the Prince about the size of his package. Look if there’s one thing you don’t do when you speak with royalty, you never ask about the size of their ding-a-ling (see below).

Clearly, the Great Khali was outraged! Not only did he leave the radio show instantly, he challenged Knoxville to attend this past Monday’s Raw. I have to give Knoxville credit for even showing up. A lesser man would have postponed his appearance due to recent economic troubles. But not Knoxville who took his punishment like a man on Monday. And for those of you who saw the show, what a beating he took. After getting dropped on his head by Beth Phoenix and splashed by Hornswoggle, Khali came out and squashed his head like a bug. Then while his head was still recovering from Khali’s massive heads, Khali lifted him thirty feet in the air and threw him painfully to the ground. If only Jim Ross was there, he would have shouted “How do you learn to fall off a 20 foot ladder?” I digress. Thankfully, Raw is rated PG or else, it would have looked like a scene from one of the Saw movies.

Outside of that, there’s not much else to report on the Great Khali. It really looks as if the WWE will turn Khali face which will allow more members of the Small-For-All Universe to join forces in Khalism. What’s Khalism? Tune in next week to find out!

Or just ask this man about Khalism? If you can find him, vato!

WHAMMY!!!

Midway Games owes me a copy of TNA Impact!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Your Future TNA Champion!

On Tuesday, Lance Cade was future endeavored by the WWE. This was seen as a surprising release considering Cade had an on-again/off-again role in the Chris Jericho/Shawn Michaels saga. Most recently, he was seen being squashed by Shawn Michaels in a No DQ match, the night after he interfered in the No Mercy Ladder Match. Looking back the Monday Night Raw squash actually makes a lot more sense as it effectively got him out of the feud and gave HBK his win back (because God knows he needed it). Perhaps the WWE knew all along that. I wonder.

So the big question is where does this leave the man formerly known as Garrison. Clearly, one would believe after his 90 day no-compete cause, he would turn to TNA (who just freed up a few roster spots themselves). TNA would be a logical choice for Cade seeing as he just spent the last six months involved in a high profile feud (so he doesn’t reek of jobber) and he has the look that could possibly take him places. Plus he’s a homegrown WWE talent which means instant TNA main eventer. If Cade would rather someday return to the WWE, he would be better off honing his skills in Japan. His hard hitting style would give him instant credibility overseas and a few years later, he could be ready to return to the WWE. Japanese seasoning has worked wonders for Tomko (who I’m surprised the WWE hasn’t resigned) and even gave people like D’lo Brown and Chuck Palumbo another chance at superstardom.

Buyrates, Buyrates, Buyrates

According to the main page, “The WWE Summerslam buyrate came in this week at 465,000 buys, 270,000 of those would be domestic (North American) PPV buys. This is down from past years as the show did totals of 537,000 buys in 2007 and 529,000 buys in 2006.”

Csonka did a good job covering all of this in detail in his Tuesday report but in case you didn’t read it, here’s the main gist: the “B” shows have been up this year albeit minor increases while the “A” shows have been down. So even with the majority of PPVs being up in buys, there’s a good chance that at the end of the year, the total buyrate number will still be down from last year. While I can see why this past year’s Wrestlemania is down (Trump vs. McMahon was a bigger money match than Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather), I’m surprised Summerslam drew so poorly. Perhaps a sixth Edge vs. the Undertaker match just didn’t draw in the fans (even though the build and the gimmick were there). Or maybe people were just not ready to see the Great Khali as WWE Champion again. Nah, that can’t be it. Rather, I’ll blame CM Punk. Good thing he’s now striving for the tag team titles.

New to Cyber Sunday

A few matches have been added to Cyber Sunday recently. Here they are:

The WWE Universe Picks the Opening Match
CM Punk & Kofi Kingston vs. Rhodes and Dibiase ©
Cryme Tyme vs. Morrison & the Miz
Jaime Noble & Mickie James vs. William Regal & Layla

WWE Divas Halloween Costume Contest
The WWE Universe picks the winner on WWE.com!

As I said in last week’s Small-For-All, I still don’t see the appeal in Cyber Sunday. Between joke matches (featuring Santino Marella) and Diva contests (see above), I can’t see why the Universe would purchase this show. Granted, if the WWE catered to me, we’d watch King Khali be fed grapes for two hours. I kid, I kid, I kid. We’d watch him be fed grapes between Heidenreich, Snitsky, and Kamala matches. Now that’s the good stuff. Speaking of good stuff…

Yum Guacamole.

But Some of My Records Still Say Kane

Leave it to the Small-For-All to give its Universe what they always want. A few weeks ago, I broke news on Ricky Ortiz’s upcoming push. This week, I pulled all of my strings to give you the latest news about a certain Big Red Machine. Please watch the video below.

I wonder if any of this will be included in Kane’s upcoming three-disc DVD.

Biten’ Newsbites

According to local commercials (which I’ve seen myself), John Cena is set to return at Survivor Series.

Hyping Cena is a smart move by the WWE to help increase buyrates for one of their “A” shows.

There will be another 3-hour Raw in December.

Because this past week’s show wasn’t painful enough in a two-hour dose.

John Morrison and the Miz are expected to be buried in the upcoming future. Why check out this video:

Fun With “P” Words

News broke yesterday on Ashley Massarro’s My Space page that she will be involved again with something that starts with the letter P. Here at the Small-For-All, I will now attempt to solve this mystery. Because God knows my Universe cares about the Dirty-Dirty.

Choice A

Well we are close to Halloween.

Choice B

Well, this can’t be it since there’s nothing Ashley’s lips won’t touch.

Choice C

Well, I think I’m getting closer. Wha da tah.

Choice D

WHAMMY!

Actually, she’s doing Playboy again. Yawn. Wake me up when Kelly Kelly poses…

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Small-For-All Exclusive

More info on the new championship I first alluded to in last week’s Small-For-All. According to my best friend Mike Johnson, “the belt will be a legends belt that Booker T will introduce as his own title.”

Well it’s a good thing that TNA realizes that the WWE already has a mid-card comedy belt (the Intercontinental Championship) and needs one of its own. Really, I fail to see how this will help TNA and/or Booker T. Booker has really fallen from his top status over the summer and I don’t think this will help him gain any of it back.

TNA loses one angle

According to everybody, TNA released Karen Angle due to growing backstage tension between her and Kurt Angle. Surprisingly, TNA thought Kurt had more value to the company. Personally, I disagree because Kurt could never pose for the cover of a Knockouts DVD.

Karen will best be known for being involved in a never-ending feud with Kurt Angle. One that I don’t think really got resolved. I mean did AJ ever fuck her? And really, what was the point of Karen’s Angle? Regardless, I am quite upset that she’s gone as she was quite a MILF. Thankfully, there’s a very good chance that Vince McMahon will try to pick her up and have her become the GM of Raw. Because then we would get a Vickie vs. Karen catfight!!! Smell the ratings!

Let’s Outdate TNA Impact Some More!

According to the main page, “TNA is making changes to the Impact Zone to prepare for broadcast in HD. The bleachers behind the Spanish announcers table have been removed, several seats behind the main announcers table have been removed, and the face entrance will apparently be removed by the 10/27 Impact taping.”

Well I have no qualms with the face entrance being removed seeing as a large portion of the TNA audience is die-hard fans that already know when to cheer and boo. And really, they stick to dueling chants anyway. As for the other changes, it looks like a few less fans will have an opportunity in the Impact Zone. Now this doesn’t have to be a bad thing because it makes Impact an even hotter ticket. Remember low supply + high demand = profit!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, we shall take a look at Khalism and see whether this is something practical for the entire Small-For-All Universe. In two weeks, I’ll have a Halloween themed Small-For-All. Until then…

Meehan’s in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!