Thursday Sports Entertainment News Report 01.31.13

I had a pretty…*ahem* ‘physical’ time with six girls at once as well. They caught me in the girl’s changing room and beat the shit out of me.

-Pennywise

If you no-sold their offense and got the W, then you’re the next John Cena!

That Sheamus pic is f’n classic! Funniest thing I’ve seen on this site in a minute.

-Da Truth

Thank you, my good man. I thought it was clever. I’m glad somebody liked it!

Greetings, folks, and welcome to another edition of Thursday Sports Entertainment! Well, it’s finally here. This week marks my one year anniversary as a writer for 411mania. It went by really fast, and I only missed a handful of weeks, mainly due to work related travel requirements. I’m pretty happy with my tenure here so far, and I’m looking forward to seeing what the next year has in store. I hope you have enjoyed reading my column as much as I enjoy writing it.

Speaking of travel – after last week’s overstuffed edition, this one is going to be a bit sparse. It can’t be helped – some unexpected work travel has taken away two evenings of prep time that I normally reserve for this column. Oh well. At least I have good ol’ Awesome Ladybug Girl to bail me out!

But first! The news!

WORLD (WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT) NEWS TONIGHT

Rey Mysterio returned to WWE at the Royal Rumble PPV, working the Royal Rumble match. While Mysterio is scheduled to work this week’s Smackdown tapings, it is unknown if he will be back full time with the company.

Mysterio had been taking time off to deal with a personal matter.

Follow along with me here. Here’s where my cynical head is at:

Rey Mysterio has two wellness strikes against him, a third will get him fired
Rey Mysterio inexplicably had to leave for an undisclosed, personal matter
Rey Mysterio returns after a decently long absence looking…puffier. In fact, he wears a singlet to cover up his less defined body. I’d say that these days 619 is less his finishing move and more his cholesterol level.

ALSO…

Randy Orton has two wellness strikes against him
Randy Orton is rumored to be taking a leave to settle an undisclosed, personal matter. My guess is that he’ll disappear shortly after WrestleMania

I’m not saying they’re leaving to cleanse their body of any banned substances prior to a test. I AM NOT SAYING THAT. That would be irresponsible, wild speculation at best. No, I’m sure that two main event Superstars, each with two wellness strikes against them, BOTH have undisclosed, personal matters to deal with around the same time. It has to be that, right? (Wink wink nudge nudge saynomore).

When Alberto Del Rio won the world title on Smackdown, word was that this was done because the company needs a strong Hispanic hero to replace Rey Mysterio.

While that played a part in it, some feel that the babyface turn and title victory came as a reaction to Cain Velasquez winning the UFC Heavyweight Title. The Velasquez vs. Dos Santos PPV reportedly did a big buyrate, and with Velasquez being considered a proven draw, many feel that Del Rio winning the title and turning face is no coincidence.

The UFC thing is crap. WWE doesn’t drastically change their Road to WrestleMania plans just because they have a UFC-based hunch. It’s just the smart thing to do.

Let’s face it, Latinos are the future of the United States. They are the fastest growing population and are gaining tremendous influence. There’s a reason why both major American political parties are aggressively developing strategies to court the Latino vote. They breed like rabbits, too. Why is that, anyway? The Irish do that, too. Must be a Catholic thing.

The good news for Vince is that Latinos love their wrestling. Luchadores are heroes south of the border, and when a population that loves wrestling is ready to explode, you gotta be ready to give them someone to root for. Having Alberto Del Rio as a World Champion just makes business sense. And why not? He’s certainly doing a good job.

And if Del Rio doesn’t work out, there’s always El Generico. AmIright?

According to pwtorch.com, WWE will be doing away with “Raw” and “Smackdown” branded house shows this year. The news comes from a new survey from the WWE Fan Council. In the survey, WWE asked participants to vote on potential new names for the separate house show tours, which run on a typical non-PPV weekend. Stephanie McMahon noted in an interview earlier this week that the brand split had basically been ended on TV.

This is the way the brand split ends
This is the way the brand split ends
This is the way the brand split ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

The original concept of the brand split was smart. It was a long term plan to create two separate brands with little interaction. Each brand would have its own main event, midcard and jobber talent. You could essentially double your top stars if the concept were pulled off correctly. Not only that, but the occasional draft would mix things up, creating feuds that seemed fresh and new.

And it kind of worked at first. Without the brand split, I don’t think that folks like JBL, Edge or Eddie Guerrero would have risen to such prominence. But alas, Smackdown was quickly relegated as the “B” show, and that attitude carried over to the audience as well. After all, why watch a B show when you can just watch the A show? I’m sure WWE had its reasons, but the original intent of the brand split was quickly forgotten, to the point where they now don’t even think about it.

WWE is basically admitting that they suck at creating new stars. After all, if they were able to make new stars, they wouldn’t have to rely on the A show talent and part timers to keep ratings afloat. If they could manufacture, at a minimum, one new main event performer per year, per brand, then the brand split would never have to end. And that’s unfortunate, because with the huge roster they have, they have a great pool of talent to work with. Ah well. What the hell do I know?

Tensai tweeted about wearing lingerie during his dance-off with Brodus Clay on RAW. He wrote: “It’s entertainment folks. Love it or hate it you couldn’t look away. Btw, under wires suck!!”

AND

WWE superstar Tensai made the following post on his Twitter account about Kofi Kingston’s “office chair” spot during the Royal Rumble match:

“Cool stuff done by @truekofi last night in the Rumble. Thank goodness my athleticism helped pull it off.”

Wow, where has this guy been? Seriously, annoyed Japanese wannabe is vastly inferior to big man just having some fun. Authenticity is key to success, so let’s hope the charming, funny Mr. Bloom is allowed to showcase his real personality more often.

Since Tensai’s debut, I did not care about him at all until Monday night. Many people may knock the Tensai in ladies clothes dancing bit as a waste of time, but I disagree. We got to see nice little shades of Tensai’s and Brodus’ personalities. Tensai was the grouchy but game monster, and Brodus was the “tee-hee look at me” instigator. I’m not kidding when I say that Tensai and Clay have the potential to be a great tag team. Think Team Hell No meets the Twin Towers.

AWESOME LADYBUG GIRL’S GUIDE TO THE 2013 ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH

For those of you unfamiliar with Awesome Ladybug Girl, that’s the wrestling moniker my 6-year old daughter Victoria gave herself after we started watching wrestling together. Her first ever wrestling experience was the 1000th episode of RAW, and her questions/comments were so hilarious that I had to share them with you. Since then, she’s become a Sports Entertainment addict, constantly asking to watch wrestling. When we’re able, I transcribe the experience and share it with you, dear readers.

Her favorite Superstar is Shaemus and her least favorite is Daniel Bryan. She has a huge, not-so-secret crush on Dolph Ziggler (aka “Shake-a-butt Guy”), but is torn because she knows he’s a bad guy. She loved AJ as General Manager, but has come to despise her for hooking up with her secret crush. Her opinions on wrestlers is very basic – she cheers for the good guys and boos the bad guys.

This is the first time she’s ever seen a Royal Rumble. Luckily, we watched the Rumble match itself before my travel obligations came along, so she got to see the Rumble not none of the title matches. So here, without further ado, is Awesome Ladybug Girl’s Guide to the 2013 Royal Rumble match!

Victoria covered her eyes when Dolph Ziggler came out at #1 and shook his butt. But I caught her peeking.

When Ziggler and AJ made out, she complained in a really whiny voice: “Arrrrgh! Why is AJ in love?! Ew! Oh my god!”

She then followed that with “Why are they showing her tummy?” This made me realize that Victoria was used to AJ as General Manager, where she dressed more conservatively than she does now. I told her that she liked air on her tummy and left it at that.

When Awesome Ladybug Girl heard Dolph’s opening promo proclaiming he was going to win the Rumble, she scolded him saying “you don’t know if you’re actually going to win, Dolph Ziggler!!”

“Why do they have to act mean? Are they mean at home?”

At one point, Jericho had Ziggler in a headlock and Dolph had his arms around Y2J’s waist. “It looks like they are hugging each other. (to the tv) “Hey are you in love, guys?”

Victoria absolutely loves the way Santino walks to the ring.

She said this, and I kid you not: “imagine if there were brothers that had to fight each other?” This was right before Goldust came out.

Awesome Ladybug Girl squealed when Sheamus came out, and was very impressed when the Celtic Warrior dominated the other competitors.

She still thinks Tensai looks like a tiger.

Victoria’s suggestion for Kofi to get back in the ring from the Spanish Announce Table: “can he walk on his butt?”

Loved the Kofi pogo stick chair bit. “This is awesome!”

Me: Here comes the Godfather!
Victoria: Of who?

When everyone was beating on John Cena, ALG’s advice to him was “put on your sock puppet!” I guess she thinks if it works for Santino…

On Sandow: “Why would a boy wear those color pants?”

When Daniel Bryan came out, she rolled her eyes: “Oh, not again.”

Awesome Ladybug Girl was very impressed by The Great Khali’s height. “You mean he’s taller than Darth Vader??” Note: I have a life-sized (6’7″) Darth Vader in my Man Room, which she thinks is enormous.

Me: That’s a good guy. His name is Zack Ryder.
Her: I don’t remember him.
Ouch.

She predicts Sheamus will win. Well, duh.

Apparently, Sin Cara reminds her of C3PO.

On Bo Dallas: “Why does it look like he’s a girl?” Way to make an impression, Bo.

After Randy Orton beat up the other four remaining competitors, Awesome Ladybug Girl chimed in with “the ones on the ground are acting like girls.” Harsh.

She was upset that Sheamus lost, but happy that a good guy won. Overall, she enjoyed the Rumble very much and wanted to see another one.

NON-SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT THING OF THE WEEK

This week’s non-sports entertainment thing of the week is brought to you by Bad Lip Reading. The concept is amazing in its simplicity. The folks at Bad Lip Reading take famous video clips and re-dub them with new dialogue based on the person’s lip movements. Suddenly, you have a whole new scene with brand new dialogue…and it looks like the people are really saying their “new” lines!

My favorite among the bad lip reading clips is the NFL one, presented to you below. It seems to be a favorite of many people, as the clip has gotten over 26 million views in only a few weeks. For those of you who’ve already seen this, you know it’s still hilarious. For those that have never seen it before – enjoy!

An orange peanut? For me? Oh wow. An orange peanut. I accept you.

YOU’RE IN FOR A REAL TWEET

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SIGNING OFF

Thank you for making Thursday Sports Entertainment your go-to destination for Wrestling News, Opinions, etc. Happy Groundhog Day!

Hasta Jueves,

This is Sean.