VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: TNA Hard Justice 2006

VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review

It was AGONY trying to decide whether or not to order this thing. I could care less about Jarrett and Sting… but I had mild interest in LAX vs. AJ.Daniels and the Joe/Rhino/Monty match, and major interest in seeing if Gail could pull out a PPV match with a “newb” and seeing Senshi do his thing. So I ordered. Turns out that the TNA Asylum actually caught fire on pay per view, so it was an interesting show.

TNA Hard Justice 2006

The pre-show sucked. All they did was show hype videos that they showed again on the actual PPV and a couple crap matches. Killings vs. A-1 was a great match to go get a drink during. Jimmy Jacobs got a big shot in a tag with some guy TNA stuck under a mask. “El Diablo”.. god. Jacobs did his whole Emo thing, and it seems pretty clear that he belongs in the X Division. I think the era of the bland X guys like Sabin and Kazarian has passed. Character IS important.

Also evident is the chain of theft in pro wrestling:
ROH steals from IWA Mid South.
TNA steals from ROH.
WWE makes a rip-off gimmick and pushes it to the moon.
Then Dave Prazak goes to work for another indy and comes up with new ideas.

We open the PPV to a big hype video. There’s lots of cool images, but some viewers may have a hard time overlooking the clichéd and goofy voice over. The kicker comes when the “scary little girl” tells us “it’s scary” and “it’s dark” a few times. I feel dumber for having seen it.

Eric Young vs. Johnny Devine:

– Crowd LOVES Young. Devine grabs the mic and has some words for Eric, and BAH GAWD DeVine is pretty dang good on the mic! He refers to the fans as “pasty-faced goblinoids” and reminds us that Young may be fired if he loses this match. DeVine actually comes off like a slightly more inspired Edge, which ain’t too bad IMO.

– They start off with a really fun eyepoke revenge sequence. A BIG “Super Eric” chant breaks out. I think that’s what they’re saying, anyway. Johnny hits a sweet flying knee in the corner, but the camera is at a really bad angle for it. The flying knee is the hip thing to do, says me.

– A small “let’s go Johnny” chant actually breaks out, and is countered by a massive “Johnny sucks” chant heh heh.

– Then comes THE INCIDENT~! A hissing noise can be heard, and smoke pours down from the ceiling. The fans break into a big “The roof is on fire” chant hahaha. The arena is filled with MIST~! But the match keeps going! This crowd rules. I’ll take these scamps over what JD Dunn calls the WWE “hold on, I’m on my cell phone” crowd any day of the week.

– Devine hits some sweet moves but I don’t think the crowd can see them. Crowd suddenly adjusts John Cena’s catchphrase, breaking into a huge “You can’t see us” chant, hahaha. Seriously, we are now getting to the point where the crowds at live shows are directly addressing the fans at home, and it is awesome.

– Young hits a sweet tossing powerbomb. He follows up with a lariat that DeVine gives a sweet flip sell. Young hits a great flying elbow drop for two. I think I’m glad I ordered this show now. This is so bizarre with all the smoke.

– Douchebag ref Slick Johnson is too awesome to be bumped in this one.. I’ve rarely seen a ref who actually overpowers a wrestler, but he did it here and it fucking sucks. Young hits a wheelbarrow neckbreaker for the win.

A good match made surreal by the smoke/fire coming from the rigging. The whole building is misty, heh heh. Awesome. I’d like to see these two go at it again. I think DeVine really showed he has something to offer here.

Winner: Eric Young

After, Earl Hebner who is “not an employee” somehow gets to ringside and wants a piece of Slick Johnson. Give me a fucking break.

Tenay seems to have toned down his usual loud shilling, a bit better now IMO.

Earlier, Jarrett was WALKING.

We see Tenay and good ol’ DEE DUB at ringside. They explain that they’re putting a new mat on the ring… isn’t that going to take awhile? Dammit.

We see that damned Sting/Jarrett hype video for the millionth time. Tenay and West are outside, now. The fire department made everyone evacuate the building hahaha! Eric Young comes over to them, West decides to bust on Eric a bit. He tells Eric that the match probably didn’t count because of the fire hahaha.

Who else wants some face time? Monty Brown! He probably shouldn’t have, though. He cuts a lengthy, torturously repetitive and dull promo which, in my eyes, really shines a light on the fact that after all this time he still hasn’t clicked. He starts singing about a cheeseburger or something, and explains what a.. ho ho! .. a “hippophant” is. PLEASE STOP.

Shane Douglas comes over with The Naturals. Shane proceeds to hype himself up. Uh, you got a tag team there, you rusty Sherriff’s badge.

Somewhere in there we get a shot of the fire. Up in the lighting rig way above the ring, there’s a small blaze going. All that smoke apparently was from the building’s automatic extinguisher system. Haha.. awesome. Somewhere in there was a “no more pyro” chant, too. I’m with them. Pyro is totally unnecessary.

Finally we get the go-ahead. BORSH is in the back with Alex Shelley. Alex is sad to inform us that Nash hurt his neck and that Alex will wrestle in his place, tonight. Jeremy doesn’t buy it. And so Kevin Nash, in a neck brace and a wheelchair, rolls onto the scene. Kevin says that this is the “darkest day of my life” hahaha. Nash solemnly gives Alex his dog tags and tells him in a somber tone that “it’s time to go to war”.

X Division #1 contender’s match – Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley:

– “Shelley” chant. West and Tenay are indignant. They think Nash might be lying. GASP! There’s some dueling chants. Sabin mocks Nash with a wolfpac sign to negative response. Crowd goes stone quiet as Sabin continues his “comedy”.

– Alex spring moonsault gets two. Alex does a great flip sell of a dropkick to the knee – makes sense and looks great. Shelley with a beautiful full rotation headscissors INTO a crossface! Shades of the Dragon Kid I think it was. Fans want Sabin to “tap”. He doesn’t.

– Crowd noise is pumped in as the fans look on. Shelley with a 2nd turnbuckle backcracker, crowd loves it. Nash slides in a chair for Alex… Sabin dropkicks the chair in Alex’s face. Cradle Shock.. 1, 2, 3. That sucks… Sabin wins.

Crowd wasn’t into it. I think not having Nash in this really sucked. And Shelley jobbing sucked too. Still, a fun match.

Winner: Chris Sabin

Runt vs. Abyss:

– Runt has a Mohawk and a tye-dyed TNA shirt on. Don West thinks he looks like DeNiro from “Taxi Driver”. Abyss chucks Runt into the crowd. I think Runt expects to be crowd surfed, but the fans just deposit him right back at ringside.

– Raven is sighted in the crowd. He looks really ragged. Like… his skin is becoming transparent or something. The sighting does a prompt a huge “Raven” chant.

– “We want thumbtacks” chant. Runt double stomp gets two. Runt low blow. Hits the Acid Drop! Crowd doesn’t seem to know it’s his finisher. Abyss kicks! Runt goes for another one, but Abyss escapes and hits his torture rack dealie. Does not cover.

– Here are the thumbtacks..! Poured on the mat. Abyss gently pushes Runt’s face in the tacks, then STOMPS his face on them! Runt suddenly powers up to “Runt” chants, and starts headbutting thumbtacks into Abyss! Awesome idea. The rally’s not enough, though, as Runt gets slammed on the tacks, then eats a BHS on the tacks for the loss.

Fun match. What’s the deal with the crowd? They’re sounding quieter for some reason. Did the fire thing kill them or what? This felt disjointed. The crowd wasn’t with them, it seemed.

Winner: Abyss

Rhino promo: “I’m going to rape your face with my fist!” ‘Nuff said!

Falls Count Anywhere – Samoa Joe vs. Rhino vs. Monty Brown:

– Dueling “Let’s go Joe/Rhino” chants. Joe hits a diving forearm to the floor.. he is so FAST! Looked great. Monty leans over, Joe kicks a garbage can in his face, heh heh.

– Joe with the Olay kick. Looks like it totally missed, Monty sells though. Joe and Rhino brawl in the crowd, and Monty LEAPS over the guardrail and tackles both guys. That was sweet. They mash each other into a wall until it comes apart.

– Joe poses in the crowd with a chair and man, does he look like a star. That’s an image they should paste on the DVD cover. They each suplex the other on the ramp. Monty hits a double underhook suplex on Rhino.. ouch! “We want tables” chant.

– Joe should start wearing the late Hashimoto’s entrance gear – the giant headband and the lavish robe. They’re both chubby badasses, right?

– They take it to the ring. Joe with a sweet jumping boot and snapping senton on Monty. Again, it’s his incredible speed that makes it so stunning. Rhino spinebusters Joe on a chair. Joe with a sunset flip powerbomb on the chair!

– We leave the ring again. Monty suddenly gets STIFF~! himself. He throws the nastiest chop I’ve ever seen him do, then mashes heads on the announce table.

– Monty gives Joe a swinging neckbreaker ON THE STAGE! Was that necessary? Man… Rhino tries to gore Monty off the stage, but Monty moves. Rhino flies off and goes through two tables! Joe then pops up, and gives Monty a SICK! SICK~! STO off the ramp and THROUGH A TABLE! That’s a count-real-quick-and-get-medical-attention finish right there. Joe wins.

– After, Joe grabs a mic and says something like: “TNA! I came here for a fight! This place can burn down and I’ll still be ready for another one!”. Awesome stuff, crowd ate it up.

I think I need to watch this again, as the crowd volume is bugging me. But man… Insane stuff! Not on the level of TNA’s best hardcore matches, but really good. Poor Rhino. He can’t get the pin even after burning the ECW World Title for TNA.

Winner: Samoa Joe

BORSH is with Larry Z. Where the hell is Cornette? Why is Zbysko still around? This is more Slick/Hebner crap. More precious airtime that could have gone to.. you know.. WRESTLERS.

Sirelda vs. Gail Kim:

– Jackie Gayda II? No… Gail comes out in basically two handkerchiefs, looks sexy as always. Sirelda is given a “She’s a man” chant, ha ha. Sirelda hits tree power moves to start it off, looked good, actually. Then Gail takes over with some dull heel offense.

– “Let’s go Gail” chant. Gail locks in the tarantula to almost no reaction. Gail top rope leg drop gets two. Sirelda dodges a crossbody and hits a lame fallaway slam. Looked limp.

– Gail hits a hanging sleeper/choke, then hits a flipping.. neckbreaker? Couldn’t tell, more bad camerawork by TNA’s crack crew. Gail wins.

Crowd wasn’t into it at ALL. You’ve already got an uphill battle, as fans are brainwashed by Vince to think women can’t do anything in the ring but show 70% of their naughty bits. I appreciate that this was a clean bout, but why not put Gail in the ring with a women’s WRESTLER? I mean, geez.. Not only that, but Gail didn’t go for her best moves. Argh…

Winner: Gail Kim

BORSH is with Steiner. Christy Hemme must be doing something more important, like cleaning the dressing room. Lord knows we need to see Jeremy 20 times in one night holding a mic instead of a hot redhead with mic skills. BORSH is a bug-eyed gimp.

Anyway.. Steiner goes off. He talks about how he’s not a mushmouth, but it’s hard to understand because of his mushmouth. He calls Christian “the lowest form of homie sapien”, so there you go. Pretty cool. Steiner is menacing. Steiner IS a top heel.

X Title Match – Senshi vs. Jay Lethal vs. Petey Williams:

– Tenay lets us know that this is a “rebirth of the X Division”. He says that about once a year. Like how Elvis Impersonator Sonny Siaki held the belt that time. He was the “Ace in da ho”, you know.

– Shi’s in baggy blue pants, reminiscent of his first run in TNA. Petey hits a beautiful springboard rana to the floor. Shi one-ups him with the SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP! I’d guess there’s probably 10 people in wrestling who can do that. Unfortunately, we get another shitty camera angle on that and get no replay.

– Crowd is really quiet for some reason. Pumped-in crowd noise is really high. Ki and Petey compare chops.. Shi’s are better by 2 billion stars. Lethal hits a double dropkick and the crowd stirs. Lethal follows up with a cartwheel DOUBLE dropkick! Ho ho!

– Lethal escapes a Canadian Destroyer set-up. Lethal unleashes some chops that are right up there with Ki’s. They do a nice pin reversal series that the crowd likes. Ki gives Lethal 10 NASTY chops, Lethal comes back with a release full nelson suplex~! Lethal follows up with a nice backflip kick, but the crowd didn’t react – it got lost in the shuffle I think.

– Petey hits Lethal with the Destroyer. Shi hits his missile dropkick on Petey, where the opponent is supposed to LAUNCH across the ring. Unfortunately, Petey’s sell SUCKED ASS and he only flew like.. two feet. Didn’t even reach the corner. Shi pins Lethal for the win.

Again, the crowd wasn’t as hot as I’d thought they would be. Even Lethal usually gets a better reaction than he did here. Personally, Petey didn’t fit in with the other two and IMO he seems very one-dimensional. I do think that Shi and Lethal have GREAT chemistry. I’d love to see them in a big time match together.

Winner: Senshi

BORSH is with Konnan. Konnan says: “You can stop a revolutionary, but you can’t stop a revolution.” Homicide is all decked out like a gangsta ninja and is intense. Hernandez silently contemplates purchasing a choco taco post-match.

NWA Tag Title Match – Christopher Daniels & A.J. Styles vs. Homicide & Hernandez:

– Tenay tells us that Hernandez benches 500 pounds. WWE officials are calling Vince right now!

– Tenay’s voice is very screechy and high pitched when he gets excited tonight. Early on, Daniels goes for a top rope rana on Hernandez, but Hernandez doesn’t bump at all. He just plops down. Luckily, like the rest of the night, we got a bad camera shot on that.

– The ref actually knows who the legal man is..! And he refuses to count a pin when the illegal guy covers.. awesome. Hernandez hits a nice release german, and Homicide cinches in the “let’s talk things over” chinlock.

– Later, Homicide hits a beautiful cannonball dive to the floor. Crowd’s kind of dead, still. Man.. AJ’s hot tag to Chris isn’t even luke warm.

– Daniels hits a split-legged moonsault to the floor. Hernandez hits a BIG AIR no ropes splash to the floor. Here comes AJ..! HOLY~! AJ with a PERFECT springboard shooting star press to the floor! That was better than perfect! Classic.. “that was awesome” chant.

– LAX with the elevated bulldog. Hernandez covers, Homi celebrates.. only two! Homicide’s celebrating early made the crowd bite, I think. There’s your TOWER OF DOOM~! Everyone rolls out some crazy moves.. Konnan distracts… LAX each go for their respective finisher, both are reversed. A variation on the TOTAL ELIMINATION~ means AJ and Daniels retain!

Very good match! Got the nice, long finish that I’d hoped it would.

Winner: AJ & Daniels

BORSH is with Christian. Christian wants to know if Jarrett tried to set fire to the building to get out of his match tonight. He says that tonight will be the beginning of a new era. It’ll be the turniest turn that ever turned!

NWA Title Match – Jeff Jarrett© w/ Steiner vs. Sting w/ Christian:

– Ring intros. Unfortunately, Jarrett gets boos instead of silence. “Steroids” chant for Scott. Tenay claims this has a big match feel. It’s been 8 months in the making! And after the opening bell the crowd… watches quietly.

– Sting has Jarrett halfway in the deathlock almost right away. But Sting doesn’t try to cinch in the hold. He twirls around a few times, positioning Jeff so he can grab the ropes to escape. And he does.

– They go into the crowd so the fans don’t have a chance to fart on the dull in-ring in-action. They eventually get back in the ring. Steiner sneaks in a chair shot on Sting’s leg. Scott follows up with a belly to belly on Christian on the floor. JJ proceeds to stomp on and yank the leg for a few minutes.

– JJ with the figure four. Sting tries to turn it over. Yes, these guys are officially behind the times. What follows are tons of SHENANIGANS. Usually the TNA Jarrett Main Event Formula has two run-ins, two ref bumps and two swings of a foreign object. But here, we get three billion of each.

– Christian ends up helping Sting, then urging Sting to come off the top. As Sting flies off for a splash, Christian hits him with a guitar. Looked nasty, actually.

Really dull. The sportz entertainment finish is now officially dead.

Winner: Jarrett

Don West: “Oh, Christian Cage! That was filthy!”

OVERALL: THREE out of FIVE. The fire hurt the crowd, I think. It could be that after so many TNA shows in Orlando that the fans are almost literally burned out. None of the matches were awesome or anything. I don’t know if any of them would be four stars. But LAX vs. AJ/Daniels, Rhino/Joe/Monty and the X Title three way are all worth seeing. And the fire was really fun to see too. The fire was the highlight of the show, actually.

I’ll have the Weekly Review for you Tuesday in the AM!