The World According to Ron: NXT Philly Fallout, The Road to WrestleMania Begins

“Shinsuke Nakamura and Asuka should each win their respective Royal Rumble matches, and each should win their title matches at WrestleMania. No punchline. I just want to see both of them win.” – me, 1/13/18

Yes, I called it three weeks ago. I picked Asuka and Shinsuke Nakamura winning their respective Rumbles and going on to WrestleMania. Why, then, did I pick Finn Bálor last week as an official pick? Because I figured there was no way they were going to allow two Japanese wrestlers to win the Rumbles on the same night.

The Stupendous Bowl in this weekend, and I don’t care. Yes, part of that is because the NFL officials seem to have made it inevitable a certain team from Massachusetts will win the title this year, and I am not a fan of said team. Another part of that is that it means my alternative is Philadelphia, and their running back LeGarrette Blount. I still haven’t forgotten Blount played with the Steelers for about six weeks, threw a tantrum when Mike Tomlin made it clear LeVeon Bell was the starting running back, left the field in the middle of the fourth quarter, got cut, then went straight back to New England.

Either Tom Brady or LeGarrette Blount will celebrate Sunday night. In either case, I need tequila.

When I was in Columbus, I would go to my Friendly Local Game Store (I worked there part-time, but spent lots of time there voluntarily) where the game would be on in the background, while we played games in the room. There would be lots of food and frivolity, and eventually, people would start to pay attention to the game.

Now, I’m back in the Ohio Valley (if you know anything about US geography, think northern panhandle of West Virginia and surrounding area; if you know nothing about US geography, we’re somewhere between New Yrok and Chicago), so I’ll see if I can talk to people here about playing stuff while the game is on. Nothing too complicated; maybe The Gallerist or Die Macher.

I am going to be very cryptic for the next few months as far as my personal stuff goes, but I will say I am in the process of trying to improve my life. If things go the way I hope, you will be the first to know. Well, after my wife and daughters. And my mom, brother, sister, and in-laws. And many close friends in Columbus. Oh, yeah, and my Facebook feed.

Okay, you will be among the first 10,000 to know. Is that good enough?

THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART

Occam’s razor, also spelled Ockham’s razor, also called law of economy or law of parsimony, principle stated by the Scholastic philosopher William of Ockham (1285–1347/49) that pluralitas non est ponenda sine necessitate, “plurality should not be posited without necessity.” The principle gives precedence to simplicity: of two competing theories, the simpler explanation of an entity is to be preferred. The principle is also expressed as “Entities are not to be multiplied beyond necessity. — Encycopedia Brittanica

I guess it’s a good thing William of Ockham was not a booker for professional wrestling. — me

Think about it, if you will. What fun would there be in Shinsuke Nakamura winning a title shot at the Royal Rumble, and the match happening two nights later on Smackdown? It might be great for the instant gratification crowd, but the winner of the Rumble is not promised an instant title shot.

The first time the Rumble winner got the main event at WrestleMania was 1993. Yokozuna won by basically bench-pressing Randy Savage over the top rope, and was greeted by “Marc Antony and Cleopatra,” welcoming him to the main event at the Toga Party known as WM IX. It was Jim Ross’ WWF debut, Undertaker beat Giant Gonzalez by disqualification, Bob Backlund got jobbed out to Razor Ramon in less than five minutes, Lex Luger looked at a bunch of mirrors, lots of animals and people wearing bedsheets… ah, memories.

In the main event, Yokozuna beat Bret Hart in less than nine minutes to win the WWF World title. But in the previous two months, Yokozuna wrestled Jim Duggan on tv. Duggan became the first person to knock Yoko off his feet (actually, down to one knee, but it still counts), before Yoko got up and smushed Duggan with four Banzai Drops, knocking Jim out of WM. At the official contract signing, Yoko knocked Bret down and drug him to the corner before hitting a Banzai Drop on him. The buildup to the match was suspenseful. Can Bret Hart become the first person to defeat the 500-plus pound Yokozuna? Can Yokozuna catch Bret Hart, or will Hart use his speed to wear down the sumo champion? What will happen?

In the match, the two men went back and forth. Bret would stick and move, while Yokozuna would hit the haymakers. In the end, when it looked like Bret Hart might win, Mr. Fuji threw salt into Hart’s eyes, Yoko caught him, and a few seconds later, there was a new champion. It was a good build for what looked to be a dull match, and even though the match wasn’t great, they told a story.

Then, Hulk Hogan came to the ring and beat Yoko in less than thirty seconds to win the title, just in case the instant gratification crowd was bored.

Now, here we are twenty-five years later. The McCompany pretty much has the formula down. There is even another pay-per-view or two in between the Rumble and WM, for more storytelling fun. Sometimes the champion will lose the title in between, sometimes the challenger will lose the right to the match, sometimes nothing will happen, sometimes everything will happen. However it works, there is nine weeks to fill.

I am not too thrilled with the current style of American wrestling, in case you couldn’t tell from last week’s diatribe. However, the Asuka/Sasha Banks match on Raw was very good, and the announcers helped tell the story of why John Cena needed to beat Finn Bálor. I didn’t agree with the result, but Cory, Cole, and Coach sold the main event of the show.

By the way, if you hear anyone refer to the announcers on Raw as “Cory, Cole, and Coach,” demand they send me royalties. I’ll give you my address.

In any event, we are now On the Road to WrestleMania. We’ll see how this works. Hopefully, they avoid the potholes.

I DON’T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE A REFUGEE

I said last week I was not looking forward to the NXT Takeover Philadelphia card. It really looked like a boring card, with the title match being the most interesting thing. I am happy to say I was wrong.

Velveteen Dream, once again, put on a good match, this time with Kassius Ohno. The Authors of Pain hung (and bung) with Fish and O’Reilly, while Adam Cole (Bay Bay) and Aleister Black put a pair of hellacious beatings on each other. The weakest match on the card was the woman’s title match with Ember Moon and Shayna Baysler, and that’s saying something, because this was a good solid match.

But, like just about everyone else, I cannot heap enough praise on the main event. My only complaint is that I have nothing to complain about. I was wondering why Candice LaRae kept sitting idly by while Zelina Vega interfered several times, until she wasn’t sitting any more. The crowd was up and down for every single peak and valley in this match. Even the aftermath, with Tommaso Ciampa returning, was an unexpected shock with perfect timing. Well done to everyone involved in the evening, and I’ll bet Nigel McGuinness wants to beat whoever gave him the flu for costing him the chance to call this match.

SHE WAS (NOT) AN AMERICAN GIRL

“Paige has injured her neck again and is apparently retiring from in-ring action. She may continue to act as the ringside manager for Absolution, but she will not wrestle again. Who, then, should take her place in the ring for six-woman matches? Explain THAT?!?”

I got a couple different responses, but two of them were of the more serious analysis variety. I appreciate the analysis, guys, but D2Kvirus has an answer more in the spirit of what this section is about:

“The dead giveaway of who the next leader of Absolution will be is when everyone watching is instructed to squint, thus allowing the seamless transition of Ruby Riot into the group – leaving Liv Morgan, Sarah Dobson and that needless second “t” over on SmackDown.”

Let’s see if I can make this a little easier. Give me a second while I go over some recaps from this past week…

Got it!

So far, we have seen Braun Strowman tip over an ambulance, a semi, a big light standard, and now, the announcing stage. What will Braun tip over next, as a way of showing he is big and strong? Explain THAT?!?

#SavetheCrew

Ron