411’s TNA Impact Report 05.14.09

The show starts out with a video package highlighting all of the sacrifices that are being made heading into the four-way TNA World Heavyweight Championship match at Sacrifice. After the regular intro package, it’s time for pyro, it’s time for lasers and LIVE-ish from Orlando, it’s time for Impact!!

The show begins with TNA World Heavyweight Champion Mick Foley making his way down to the ring with a microphone in hand. Mike Tenay talks about an incident between Foley and Jarrett that happened “earlier today” before Foley talks about the main event at Sacrifice and what everyone is giving up to get into the match. He says that by May 24th he’ll be completely focused on the TNA title match, but for now he’d like to talk about something different. He mentions Jarrett’s DVD set and says that he may have forgotten about all of Jeff’s contributions in TNA before saying that for the first time in the company’s history there will be no contribution from Jarrett at all to tonight’s edition of Impact. Foley says that he might have pushed Jarrett and said things he shouldn’t have said and adds that he feels partially responsible. Foley says that the rumors of a DVD of a nasty incident that took place in Nashville are true and produces the DVD, saying that sections of the DVD may possibly be dark and difficult to watch and unsuitable for the younger members of the TNA audience. He talks about grappling with the decision to show the deep, dark footage and then says that he was brought into TNA specifically to make those difficult decisions and that the fans have earned the right to see what’s on the DVD. He says that during the course of the night, people will get to see the DVD and reminds everyone that on May 24th he’ll be focused on the TNA World Title, but for tonight his thoughts are going to be on Jeff Jarrett.

Tenay speculates what it might be on the DVD before throwing it to the Main Event Mafia locker room. JB is in there and Scott Steiner says that he’s in charge tonight because Kurt Angle is off in Hollywood making a big-screen movie. Steiner mangles the English language by saying he graduated from Michigan “Hakuna Matata” and then makes sure that Booker and Nash will take care of their business tonight. Nash talks about last night at the Doubletree with Jenna where he dotted some i’s and crossed some t’s. He adds that she’s going to back the Mafia financially, but she wants Sharmell exiled from the group. Booker gets hot with him and Nash tells him to calm down. Booker goes to get into his face again, but Steiner calms him down again, saying that if they take care of business in the ring, he’ll take care of this “domestic issue”. Steiner leaves and Booker and Nash still complain to each other before they hug it out.

JB goes into the office of Mick Foley and asks about what’s on the DVD and Foley instead gets all hung up on a crack in Jeff Jarrett’s picture frame. Foley says that if JB wants to know what’s on the DVD, JB has to teach him how to make his crazy eyes. JB talks about how it’s a take-off on Ralph Furley from Three’s Company and then proceeds to try to show Foley how to do it. They get cut off by Eric Young talking about how he’s still not getting the opportunity in TNA and that he wants another one. Foley says he’s too busy, but Young isn’t buying it and gets indignant. Foley tells him that he’s going to get his opportunity because he’s going to be taking on Samoa Joe tonight.

From there, we go back to last week where Lethal Consequences accused Daniels of being Suicide, following in the footsteps of the Motor City Machine Guns a week before. That leads us into…

Match One:
Chris Sabin w/Alex Shelley vs. Daniels

Daniels looks PISSED as he makes his way to the ring, glaring a hole right through Sabin and Shelley. Side headlock from Sabin gets things underway, but Daniels shoots him off into the ropes. Shoulderblock from Sabin and they work through some chain wrestling finished off by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Daniels. Irish whip into the corner and Daniels follows him in with a forearm. Another Irish whip and Sabin reverses it with both guys ending up on the apron. Both guys go up to the top and fight over a suplex with Sabin coming out on top, tying Daniels into the tree of woe and hitting the hesitation dropkick. Sabin goes for the cover, but can only get two. Sabin chokes Daniels across the middle rope and Shelley comes in from the outside with an eyerake. Lethal Consequences come out to watch from the top of the ramp as Sabin peppers Daniels with jabs before choking him with the heel of his boot. Irish whip into the corner and Sabin charges right into a dropkick before Daniels slams him to the mat. Double count gets to six before Daniels hits a forearm and a big kick to the face that drops Sabin. Irish whip by Daniels gets reversed, but Daniels forces in a forearm and curb stomps Sabin to the mat off of the top rope. STO from Daniels leads to a cover and Sabin kicks out at two with Don West complaining about Suicide using the same move. Daniels tries the Angel’s Wings, but Shelley breaks it up from the outside leading to a Sabin knee to the gut. Sabin goes to the apron and lands a springboard clothesline that gets a long, LONG two-count before Daniels kicks out. Sabin goes for the Cradle Shock, but Daniels fights out of it with elbows. Sabin takes out Daniels’ leg with a low dropkick and tries for a springboard tornado DDT, but Daniels blocks it into a reverse atomic drop. Shelley up on the apron, but Daniels knocks him right off with a forearm before hitting an enziguri on Sabin. Uranage from Daniels puts Sabin into the middle of the ring and Daniels goes up for the BEST! MOONSAULT! EVER!! He hits it and covers for the 1-2-3!!

Winner: Daniels (pinfall, Best Moonsault Ever) **1/2

(Solid work from two of the X-Division’s pioneers. It felt a little rushed and probably could have used a little more than four or five minutes, but I’ll take what I can get when it comes to two guys like this going in the ring. Definitely a good way to open the wrestling portion of the show after so much talking got the night underway.)

We go to Mick Foley’s office with JB and he’s got the referees in there with him to figure out who’s refereeing the Samoa Joe/Eric Young match tonight. He eliminates Rudy Charles and Slick Johnson from the running and says that Earl Hebner is a little bit shady, which makes him the perfect man for the job. He says that under no circumstances is Hebner to disqualify Samoa Joe during his match with Eric Young tonight. JB says that Young will end up dead and Foley says that that’s what happens when you cross him.

We head to the back and Scott Steiner is talking to Jenna Morasca, telling her that she needs to stop the crap with Sharmell. Jenna says she’s had enough of Sharmell and that Booker needs to tighten the leash. Steiner lies and says that Sharmell apologized, saying it was all her fault. He even says he’ll moderate a meeting between the two of them to try to end the problems once and for all. Jenna says that she’ll show up because she wants it all to be done with as well.

From there, we head to the announce desk with Tenay and West running down the night’s card including Kevin Nash against Team No Limit and Booker T vs. Jethro Holiday in an “I Quit” match. They also tease the “Nashville footage” again before we go to the back with Lauren talking to Angelina Love. Lauren asks about Love’s begging for some help last week and Love says that she never begs because she always gets what she wants, just like the TNA Knockouts Championship. She says that she was talking to the only man on planet Earth that she can trust and out comes Cute Kip. Kip says that Kong has been stretchering the Beautiful People out of the ring and that it’s not going to happen again. Kip says that he’s going to put Kong in her place by beating her in a stretcher match tonight and that he’s just “Kip-ping it real”. Yeah, cause real is the first thing I think of when I look at those two.

We got to the “Cross the Line” cam for footage of Jeff Jarrett at his home spending time with his children. Jarrett heads out jet-skiing with his young daughter and we get clips of that before they head drive around his property, talking about picking up his other daughters, getting the mail and all of this other fun stuff. Jarrett talks about how this is a day in the life of Jeff Jarrett and that it’s better than Foley heading up to some diner up north.

Match Two:
Eric Young vs. Samoa Joe

Tenay asks if maybe there’s an adviser that is talking to Samoa Joe, especially since Lockdown, bringing up the black towel and different style. Joe starts out huge with some power offense including a dropkick to Young’s head while Young is stuck in the corner. Young tries some right hands to get back into the match, but Joe cuts that off by reversing an Irish whip into the corner. Young goes over the top to the apron, trying to shoulderblock his way in, but Joe cuts that off too with a knee to the gut and a HUGE kick to the face that puts Young right over the top rope to the floor. Young with a right hand on the floor and another, but Joe rams him headfirst into the ring apron. Joe grabs a chair and tries to set it up, but Young attacks and rams Joe’s head into the chair instead. Joe throws the chair into Young’s face and gets back into the ring with some jabs before trying a German suplex. Young reverses into a roll-up, but only gets a one-count before Joe drags him into the Kokina Clutch. Joe pulls Young away from the ropes and continues to work the rear-naked choke, eventually knocking Young unconscious. Earl Hebner checks the arm and calls for the bell!

Winner: Samoa Joe (submission, Kokina Clutch) *1/4

(Now see, this is what Joe should have been doing all along, except they had him doing it to the wrong guy. I hate that they keep squashing any chance that Eric Young has to succeed, but I’ve grown used to it by now, so I shouldn’t be surprised.)

After the match, Joe grabs Young and carries him to the backstage area over his shoulder as Tenay talks about how Joe has done it before to Sheik Abdul Bashir and Sharmell.

After the break, we see the footage of what happened during the break with Samoa Joe putting Eric Young into the trunk of a car in the backstage area. Joe shoves him in and slams the trunk, banging on the back of it before the car drives away. From there, we move to a sit-down interview with Mike Tenay and Sting. Tenay asks about Sting’s sacrifice and Sting says that he shocked himself and didn’t plan on doing it, but it felt like the right thing to do. Sting says he doesn’t want to be another name on the TNA roster and that he wants to be someone that’s made a difference for the company. Sting talks about the match at Lockdown and says that during the match, he asked himself if it was all worth it and that when he was second-guessing himself he knew that was what cost him the match. Sting says that he knew that the answer to the question, after a night of soul-searching, was that it was all worth it. He even says that it’s worth what he’s putting up at Sacrifice, adding that it’s all or nothing for him, the dawning of a new day or the last day of his career. Don West does his usual house show shilling at the midway point of the show and he gets extra hyped about Slammiversary before Tenay sends us to the footage of Lauren going on the blind date with Taylor and her gentleman suitor. After some pointless girl blabbing, Daffney reveals herself to be the secret admirer, asking where Taylor was when she was getting her hair cut. She talks about Monster’s Ball at Sacrifice and beats the HOLY HELL out of Taylor in the restaurant before Lauren backs her up with a piece of broken bottle. Daffney cackles to herself and heads off, happy with the damage she’s done.

After the commercials, we go back to the day in the life of Jeff Jarrett and he’s driving his youngest to pick up his other girls from school while talking about how Mick Foley’s lost his mind. There’s also some talk about “Booger T” and we see Jarrett playing Mr. Mom, dropping his kids off at all of their activities and doing every day stuff. He keeps relating it to the Mick Foley situation and even mocks Foley’s “twenty-five stitcheroonies” while asking his daughter about a science test.

Match Three: Stretcher Match
Cute Kip w/Angelina Love vs. Awesome Kong w/Raisha Saeed

As Kong makes her entrance, we see the carnage from the past couple of weeks in the Wrath of Kong that sent Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky to the injured list. Kip does his little shaky-butt dance and looks almost darker than Kong with his freaky spray-on tan. They lock horns and Kip pushes Kong into the corner to try to embarass her. He walks away and gets distracted by Saeed, allowing Kong to hit an avalanche on him!! Kong goes after Kip with a flurry of punches and eyeballs Love before turning around into a goozle from Kip. Love gets up on the apron and distracts the referee, leading to a low blow by Saeed on Kip. Kong gets a steel chair and WAFFLES Kip upside the head with it as the crowd screams for one more. Kong hammers Kip again before she PILLMANIZES KIP’S HEAD WITH A BIG SPLASH!! She gets up and DOES IT AGAIN!! Oh, you didn’t know?? Well your crippled ass better call somebody……. Kong rolls Kip onto the stretcher and she gets the ten-count while glaring down at Love at ringside.

Winner: Awesome Kong *

(BWAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA. I was worried last week when it seemed like they were going to bring Cute Kip back, but this was TOTALLY worth it. Fun, fun, fun, and now there’s no one left between Kong and Love, just in time for the build to Sacrifice.)

We go to the back and see Scott Steiner telling Sharmell that Jenna wants to apologize and that they need to have a meeting with Steiner moderating. Sharmell agrees and says that she’s only going to show up if Jenna apologizes. JB brings up the obvious and asks what’s going to happen when they don’t apologize and Steiner’s response is stunned silence. We go even further to the back with Lauren talking to Team 3D and asking them about their tournament. Brother Ray talks about that they left that “other company” three years ago because they were sick of wrestling the same teams over and over. He talks about all of the new, young and hungry teams in TNA and then gets cut off by an attack by the British Invasion, who leaves Team 3D laying!!

Back from the break, we go to another segment featuring Jeff Jarrett heading out for a night ont he town at some of his local honky-tonks. Jarrett even gets a ride on a handi-chair from a midget. We head to a restaurant that has Jeff Jarrett’s picture drawn on the wall and before Jarrett can head home, he runs into Jeremy Borash outside of a nude karaoke bar. “Hilarity” ensues and Jarrett heads off, saying that he has to get ready to head to Impact the next day.

Match Four: Team 3D Invitational Tag Team Tournament Semifinal
The British Invasion w/Rob Terry vs. Amazing Red and Suicide

Man, Red looks way better in the black tights tonight than the powder blue’s in his return match. Suicide makes his entrance off of the broadcast table, with Don West still convinced that it’s Daniels under the mask. Suicide starts out with a low kick on Williams before catching a kick and using it to push Williams into the ropes for a roll-up that gets two. Another cradle attempt by Suicide gets another two-count and Williams bridges up out of it into a backslide for a two-count. Williams drops Suicide with a big armdrag and tags in Magnus. Magnus comes in, eating a kick to the head before reversing an Irish whip from Suicide. Blind tag by Red and Suicide hits a hip toss leading to some kicks and some heel miscommunication with Red and Suicide the cause. Suicide heads to the outside to take on Williams, but Magnus is in the ring with Red and nearly TAKES HIS HEAD OFF with a big boot. Tag to Williams and they hit the double-necktie neckbreaker before shaking hands like true British gentlemen. Williams with some stomps and he follows that up with a big right hand before pulling Red up by the faux-hawk nub. Red tries to fight back, but Williams hits a kneelift into a bodyslam followed by a kneedrop that gets two. Tag to Magnus and they whip Red in, dropping him with a double-reverse elbow. Magnus with a legdrop on Red into a cover, but Red kicks out at two. Irish whip into the corner by Magnus, but Red catches him with a kick as he charges in, following that with a big move off the second rope. Magnus with the tag to Williams and Red gets the HOT TAG to Suicide!! Suicide with a slide under Williams into a low dropkick on Magnus. Inside cradle from Suicide on Williams gets two and he springs off the ropes right into a reverse elbow. Finlay roll on Williams by Suicide and he covers, but can only get two before Magnus breaks it up. Red comes off the top rope and hits a missile dropkick that puts Magnus out to the floor and he follows Magnus out with a SWANTON OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR!! In the ring, Suicide has Williams perched up on the top rope and he climbs up to the top after him, but Williams hits a low blow and pushes him off. The Motor City Machine Guns pop up out of nowhere and hit a double-superkick on Suicide!! Top rope kneedrop from Williams!! 1…..2….3!!! The Brits move on while the Guns celebrate on the floor!!

Winners: The British Invasion (pinfall, top rope kneedrop) **3/4

(Not too shabby. I really enjoyed Red a lot more this week than I did in his return match and I’m really starting to like the British Invasion. Magnus on his own was death, but in this team with Williams and Terry, he’s a lot more bearable. I actually wouldn’t mind terribly if they won the tournament and gave the Beer Money/Team 3D feud some time to simmer before upping the ante again in a month or two.)

The Guns enter the ring and attack Red, taking him out with a double-team move before moving to Suicide. They corner him, but before they can do anything, Lethal Consequences run down to the ring with a microphone and we head to a commercial break.

Back from the break and Jay Lethal is on the mic, saying that he knows that Suicide is Daniels and that they’re going to prove it when they take his mask off right now. Suicide tries to make a break for it, but all four of them grab him and hold him in the ring. Lethal gets about halfway into ripping off the mask, but HERE COMES DANIELS DOWN THE RAMP!! He lays the beating on all four of them and helps Suicide clear the ring!! Don West gets all indignant wondering who is impersonating Daniels, which makes me laugh out loud, as Daniels hammers Consequences Creed with the Angel’s Wings. Suicide and Daniels stare down in the ring and they shake, with Daniels telling Suicide that he owes him one.

After the commercials, we go to the back with JB and he’s in the Mafia locker room with Scott Steiner’s summit meeting. The two ladies start clawing at each other and Steiner is left screaming at JB to go get Booker to help him out. You kind of knew it was coming, but it was still kind of funny.

Match Five: Handicap Match
Team No Limit vs. Kevin Nash

Nash starts out taking some punishment from No Limit, including a nice missile dropkick from the top rope by Naito. He tries to come off the top rope again, but Nash hits him with a NASTY chokeslam. Yujiro tries to come in, but takes a knee to the gut and another flurry of knees in the corner. Reverse elbow in the corner by Nash, with the huge elbowpad in place, and Yujiro’s out to the floor. Big elbow to the top of Naito’s head and he drops him with a big sidewalk slam before whipping him into the ropes for a big boot. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN!! He undoes the elbowpad, grabs Naito and JACKNIFE’S HIM NEARLY THROUGH THE RING!! 1-2-3 and it’s all over!!

Winner: Kevin Nash (pinfall, Jacknife powerbomb on Naito) 1/2*

(Dud. Epic Fail. Squash. Whatever you want to call it, Team No Limit just got buried royally. Bleah.)

Nash gets on the microphone after the match and talks about the world running on violence before mentioning Samoa Joe’s Nation of Violence. Nash says that violence will be at Sacrifice and that its name won’t be Joe, but Nash. From the ring, we go back to Mick Foley’s office and he’s watching the DVD on his laptop, talking to someone and saying that if they’re offended by it they can shield their eyes. Turns out, he’s talking about the sock. Sigh.

After more commercials, we head to the back with Lauren talking to AJ Styles about his big “I Quit” match against Booker T for the TNA Legends Championship. Styles says he’s been preparing for this match his whole life, with all of the times he’s never quit. He promises that he’s in the best shape of his life and says that it’s not about shape, it’s about heart. Styles promises he has the heart and that he’s going to prove the belt belongs to him. He also promises that the words “i quit” will never cross his lips, no matter what.

Match Six: I Quit Match
Jethro Holiday vs. Booker T w/Sharmell

The bell rings and they circle a little before hitting a lock-up that sees Holiday push Booker into the corner. He tries a cheapshot, but Booker blocks it and hits one of his own before lighting Holiday up with some chops. They slug it out in the middle of the ring and Holiday drops Booker with a big right hand before whipping him into the ropes for a reverse elbow. Elbow to the top of Booker’s head follows and Holiday clotheslines Booker all the way over the top rope to the floor. Booker with a knee to the gut as Holiday follows him out and he drops Holiday throat-first across the ring barricade. Booker puts Holiday into the steel post and then asks Holiday if he quits, but Holiday fires back with “your momma”. Booker throws him into the ring and follows in, dropping Holiday with a thrust kick to the face before taking him over with a vertical suplex. Belly-to-back suplex now from Booker and he mounts Holiday, asking him again. Holiday says no and Booker chokes him and punches him some more. Holiday with some big shots to the gut and a nasty pair of chops to the chest before he comes off the ropes right into a LEG LARIAT from Booker!! Booker asks again, Holiday says no again, Booker mounts again for more punches. Holiday answers with “Sharmell looks good naked” and Booker hammers away at him again before setting him up for the axe kick attempt. Holiday gets out of the way and kicks Booker in the face. Holiday mounts and punches away before making the referee ask Booker. Booker doesn’t give up and gets to his feet, going to the eyes of Holiday with an eyepoke. They fight over an Irish whip and after a floatover, Booker gets flipped inside out with a clothesline. Sharmell distracts the referee and slides a chair in to Booker, who WAFFLES Holiday with the chair before finishing him off with the axe kick!! Booker mounts him and threatens some punches, but Holiday says he’s done and there’s the bell!!

Winner: Booker T (submission) *1/2

(Not an outwardly bad match, but not very good either considering it was nearly all punches and kicks and we already knew who was going to win. Holiday’s insults were pretty funny, but outside of that there wasn’t much that was worthwhile in this one.)

We cut to the back and Mick Foley’s dropping off the DVD at the production truck, threatening the staff by saying that if they don’t play it right when he tells them to, they’re fired.

When we come back from the commercials, Mick Foley’s coming down the ramp and is on his way to the ring. Mike Tenay talks about the earlier segments with Jarrett and says that he’s pretty sure that if the footage is what he thinks it is, they’ll regret sending a camera crew to follow Jarrett. Foley says that it’s time for the footage to air and he gives the caveat about the squeamish people not watching. He starts the DVD and we go to Jeff Jarrett at the “Asylum”, talking about his second ever match and the early years of TNA being held there. He moves to an area where he watched his dad wrestling in the show and then takes us back to the locker room, talking about how it’s where all of the TNA stars used to dress. They go to the box office with Jarrett talking about how his grandmother used to sell tickets there and he adds that it used to double as his office and dressing room in the early TNA days. As he’s talking, Mick Foley comes out of nowhere with an extension cord and starts choking Jarrett out with it. Foley’s laying the badmouth on him, talking about respecting Jarrett’s grandmother while hating his old man. Foley beats the piss out of him in the locker room and screams that this is where he starved and made $25 dollars a night. Foley continues the beating, even with Jarrett screaming for mercy and Jarrett slams a fence door right onto the hamstring that Jarrett’s already torn. Foley grabs the camera and says it’s time for a profile in pain, before laying the boots to him. Foley picks up a steel chair and the cameraman drops the camera just in view to see Foley hammering away on the leg with the chair. Foley keeps beating him with the chair before telling Jarrett that he’s headed to the Impact Zone. Foley congratulates himself on the way out the door, mentioning what a dump the arena is. In the ring, Foley seems genuinely shocked by all of the boos from the crowd. Foley says that he had no idea, but he WAS partially responsible for the shocking footage. Foley says that Jarrett learned a valuable lesson that sometimes you can’t go home again. Foley’s music hits and Tenay says that next week will be a lot less fun for him when Jeff Jarrett returns and there’s hell to pay. Foley looks around the Impact Zone as we fade to black and we’re out from Orlando!!