411’s WWE Smackdown Report 10.02.03

The opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author, and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Thank God September is over. To paraphrase Mike Patton, “What a month if you can look it in the face and hold your vomit.” (“What A Day”, taken from the album “King For A Day…Fool For A Lifetime”. You’re welcome.)

Non-wrestling night suggestion: New episodes of “Justice League” start at 10pm Saturday on the Cartoon Network. ‘Nuff said.

Wow, 2 Non Wrestling Night Suggestions in a row – both cartoons. What is this guy, some kind of geek or someth—oh, wait, he’s an Internet writer. Never mind.

Getcher tickets out – It’s that time again!
Cash 3: 711(!)
Play 4: 2795

SmackDown! – 100203

We open with pyro and an introduction from Milwaukee, WI. Tonight!: The Undertaker and Kurt Angle take on John Cena and champ Brock Lesnar.

Edie Gurrero (c) (with Chavito) vs. Matt Hardy (with Shannon Moore) – US Title

The champion coming out first would normally piss me off, but I guess Edie needs to with the convertible low rider and all. Matt Facts: Matt has had four speeding tickets (Ouch – I feel your pain, brother) and Matt has gotten out of over 20 (Lucky bastard). Clip of Matt wrecking Eddie last week with the Side Effect on the Tag Team Title belt. Eddie jumps Matt to start and whoops the snot out of him in the corner with punches and stomps. Guess Eddie remembers last week, too. Eddie shoves the ref away for getting in his face for the break. Eddie whips Matt into the ropes and meets him with a dropkick. Matt returns the whip, but Eddie reverses and knocks Matt down with a shoulderblock. Eddie hits a high back suplex, then whips Matt into the ropes again and nails a leg lariat (with some high knee for god measure). Eddie goes to the apron for the summersault senton, but Shannon grabs the leg and Chavito bitches to the ref. Matt takes the opportunity to bring Eddie back in, then hang him out to dry on the top rope. That’s always one of my favorites. Matt kicks away at the ribs, then covers for 2. In the corner, Matt works on the ribs some more before another cover gets another 2. Eddie slugs his way out of the corner but Matt powerbombs him (which looks like it was almost reversed). Cover gets 2. And again. Edie whips Matt into the corner and charges. Boot, meet Eddie, Eddie, boot. Side Effect by Matt gets 2. Matt slaps on a surfboard, but Eddie stands up to reverse. In a nice spot, Edie does so into a neckbreaker. Matt knocks Eddie back down, however, for 2. Michael Cole (of all people!) points out how the constant kickouts by Eddie only further damage the ribs. Matt drops an elbow for 2, then chokes Eddie with his foot. Matt misses another elbow, though, and Eddie takes over with 3 rolling vertical suplexes. Hey, Benoit’s not the only Radical that can do it, dammit! Eddie goes up top and Matt meets him there and brings him down with a sweet lookin’ superplex. 10 count ensues, and Matt is up at 8. Corner whip by Matt reversed by Eddie, who gets further acquainted with Matt’s boot. On a first name basis yet, you 2? Matt goes up this time, and Eddie meets him with a pretty hurracanrana off the top! Cover gets 2 and Matt responds with the Side Effect, countered into an armdrag by Eddie for another 2. Chavito tries to point out that Shannon More has the US Title belt and the ref holds Chavito at bay. Shannon misses and Eddie dropkicks the belt into Shannon’s face. Ow. Eddie tosses the belt at Matt and acts like he just got drilled. Lie, cheat and steal, boys! As the ref chews out Shannon, Chavito slips in and pops Matt with the belt. It’s academic from here as Eddie hits the Frog Splash for 3. Eddie retains the US Title.

Cole reminds us we have 2 matches signed for No Mercy (1 of which I’d just as soon forget) as we go to:

Commercial

Back to a video showing people in line for WrestleMania XX tickets in New York. HAH! SUCKERS!! I still think they should have showed footage of people who got screwed after waiting that long…

Josh Matthews is in the back interviewing Cena. Josh tells Cena he was busting some dope rhymes on Angle last week, and Cena is shocked! This kid has street cred! Heh. Cena says he will stand in Angle’s shadow no longer.

In the back, the Gurreros run into the Big Show (who has, sadly, abandoned that dapper suit he was wearing around). Eddie takes issue with last week’s attack, and Show responds that he doesn’t like Eddie. He likes Mexican food alright (duh), but not Eddie, and there’s nothing they can do about it. Show makes his point by shoving both of them down as we again go to:

Commercial.

Back to During The Break: Chavito gets in Eddie’s face for not doing anything about the Bully Show. Eddie jacks Chavito up against the wall and says he’ll handle it his way…

APA vs. Basham Brothers (with Shaniqua)
Okay, you’ll have to forgive me. I went for a drink and missed the beginning of this. Not that it was much, but who am I to make assumptions? Anyway, a brawl starts out, and the end result is a shoulderblock by Farooq to Danny’s back. Problem is, it’s to Danny’s back, and he’s sitting down. Ouch. Farooq whips Danny and Doug blind tags in. Clothesline gets a laughable reaction before Farooq and Bradshaw hit a back suplex/neckbreaker combination for 2 before Danny breaks the count. Bradshaw is in and drills one of them (wish I knew which) for 2. Fallaway slam by Bradshaw, who gets knocked outside. Doug works Farooq over in the ring as Danny and Shaniqua take over on Bradshaw outside. Back in and a cover on Bradshaw for 2. Double teaming ensues on the part of the Bashams, both legal and illegal. Doug snapmares Bradshaw and hits the massive, mighty CHINLOCK. Bradshaw powers out of it (of course) and suplexes Doug hard. Moderate tag to Farooq who cleans house then hits…crap, I can’t tell the Bashams apart. That’s how it is with “those people”, I guess. Anyway, Farooq hits a spinebuster for 2. The ref gets knocked down somewhere in here. Outside, Bradshaw tastes Shaniqua’s boot. Inside, Farooq gets drilled for 3(!). Afterward, Bradshaw has a fit and takes out the Bashams and Shaniqua – with the Clothesline from Hell. Homegirl is out cold. The replay takes us to:

Commercial.

Back to A-Train out to join Cole and Tazz on commentary for:

Chris Benoit vs. Charlie Haas
It is announced that, indeed, Benoit and A-Train will met at No Mercy. Shelton Benjamin is out for the next 2 weeks due to knee surgery. Cole grills A-Train about being able to beat Benoit as Benoit and Haas do the collar-and-elbow tie-up. They break and go for it again, and Benoit secures a hammerlock. Haas escapes by tripping Benoit. Benoit counters with a headlock, countered into a hammerlock by Haas, countered into wristlock by Benoit countered into an armbar by Haas countered into a reverse chinlock by Benoit on the mat. Hot damn, I loves me some chain wrestling! Whip and Haas eats a shoulderblock. On the mat, Benoit cinches in a headlock. On commentary, Cole: “A-Train outweighs Benoit by about 150 pounds.” Tazz: “ That’s 2 of you, Cole.” I love it. Haas slugs away at Benoit, but Benoit turns on a modified surfboard (okay, there’s our move of the night). Haas backs Benoit into the corner and whips him into the opposite corner, but samples a reverse elbow instead. Benoit goes for the Crossface, but A-Train distracts him. Haas takes the opportunity to blindside Benoit on the outside as any good heel would. Knee to the ribs and Haas breaks the ref’s count. Back in and Haas whips Benoit into the ropes for a knee to the gut. Clothesline by Haas gets 2. Armbar by Haas but Benoit won’t give up. Hell, no, not to a frickin’ armbar! Are you kidding? Haas with a whip and a dropkick for 2. Benoit gets tied to the Tree of Woe (bet he hates that term, given the Kevin Sullivan connection and all) and receives 2 charging knees by Haas (Oooff!). Haas stomps away again before setting in a modified abdominal stretch. The crowd is pretty much dead for this match. Fools. Benoit elbows out of the stretch and goes for a backslide, but Haas blocks and hits some more knees. Benoit fights back with the Rolling Germans, but Haas interrupts them for an attempted Haas of Pain. Benoit gets to the ropes before the move is set in, though. Benoit rallies back with Snake Eyes, followed by a clothesline from behind, a dropkick to the knees, and, oh wait, did we mention a release German suplex for 2? Benoit goes for the Rolling Germans again, and Haas blocks again. This time, he gets caught in a Sharpshooter~! Haas makes it to the ropes and whips Benoit into the nearest corner. On the way out, Benoit takes an overhead belly-to-belly suplex and lands bad on his neck. Careful with that crap, Chris. Benoit finally gets the Crossface~! on Haas, but A-Train runs in with the sloppy elbow drop of disqualification. Dick. Afterward, A-Train locks Benoit in the Crossface and the refs pull him off. A-Train taunts Benoit to some pretty good heat – the most of the match, actually. Dunno what pisses me off more – the lame DQ or the fact that A-Train got the biggest reaction of the match. I still wanna see Haas and Benoit without the crappy ending…

Commercial

Back to Vince and Sable the Skag Whore on the way to the ring. By the looks of Sable’s dress, she’s been on safari.

Okay, in the interests of boredom relief, here’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of the segment: Vince is out to offer Stephy a second chance to quit. Stephy arrives (ready to fall out of her top) and says she’ll never quit. Vince says he held her as a baby, took her to her dance recitals, taught her to ride her bike, and now he’s gonna kick her ass. Sable tells Vince not to think of her as a daughter, but as a disrespectful little bitch. Stephy tells Sable to do what she does best – go to the locker room and lay on her back (HAHAA!!). Sable slaps Stephy and we have a catfight. Vince breaks it up by bodyslamming Stephy. ‘Taker to the rescue as he lays Vince out. He goes for the chokeslam, but instead has to give the big boot to the interrupting Brock Lesnar. The heel faction retreats. Stephy looks at Vince incredulously – what was he trying to do, pop her implants?! Overall, nothing here we haven’t seen before. Next.

Oh, it’s a Commercial.

Back to a burrito delivery for Eddie, which gets interrupted by the Big Show. Show samples a burrito – pretty good! Show takes one, hocks in it (eewww) and tells Jose (who looks familiar to me for some odd reason) to take it to Eddie. Show eats the rest.

Tajiri (c) vs. Kidman – WWE Cruiserweight Title

Okay, Eddie had an excuse to come out first. What is Tajiri’s reason? Last week: the red mist won the Cruiserweight Title. After the footage, the ref checks Tajiri’s mouth to make sure there’s no mist to be found. Nice touch! Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and a schoolboy by Kidman for 2. Off the ropes, Kidman headscissors Tajiri outside and follows with a plancha. Kidman goes to the apron and is met by Kidman. No fear – Kidman lays in the shoulderblocks before Tajiri kicks him off the apron, hard. Tajiri goes outside to post Kidman as Cole points out the shoulder surgery that Kidman a while back. Back in, Tajiri with an armbar drop. Wait, 2 weeks running and there’s psychology in a Cruiserweight match? What the hell’s going on here? Kidman is up and alley-oops off the corner, but Tajiri stops that with a wicked kick to the shoulder. Tajiri drapes the arm over the rope and kicks away. Kidman responds with a double back elbow. Tajiri goes for the handspring elbow, but Kidman counters with the enzugiri. Into the corner again and Kidman flips out only to take another wicked kick to the ribs. Chops by Tajiri, into forearms and a bulldog by Kidman. Kidman pulls Tajiri to the corner for the Shooting Star Press, but Tajiri doesn’t even let him get that far, kicking Kidman in his grill. Kidman drops Tajiri in the BK Bomb for 2. Kidman whips Tajiri into the corner and charges, and Tajiri answers with the Tarantula~! Buzzsaw Kick by Tajiri misses and Kidman scores with a dropkick for 2. Corner chops by Tajiri and Kidman tries to float over Tajiri yet again. When will the boy learn? Tajiri sneaks in a low blow and the Buzzsaw Kick finishes for 3. Tajiri retains.

Our main event tag match is up real soon as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to more hype for the Rundown. Cole and Tazz discuss, which degenerates into Tazz punching Cole’s shoulder and having a pretty good laugh about the whole affair.

Big Show vs. Orlando Jordan
The Big Show is having stomach trouble. Uh oh. Orlando charges Show and takes a boot to the gut. Show’s stomach is really hurtin’ ‘im now and Orlando notices, giving Show the shoulders in the corner. Show tosses Orlando into the corner and chops away. Cole wonders what’s wrong with the Big Show. Use your head, Cole, come on. Show finally rolls out of the ring and gingerly heads to the back. Cole catches on – it’s the burritos! – as Show is counted out heading into:

Commercial.

Back to an interview with Zach Gowen from his home in Detroit. Gowen says he’s appreciative of the support, but he’s over the pity everyone’s showing him. Good for you, Zach! He’ll be back next week.

In the back, the Big Show is in a bathroom stall pissing out of his asshole. Eddie arrives to taunt Show and tell him that the burritos were his idea! His cousin, Jose (no, that’s not why he looked familiar) brought them just for Show. And Show has no toilet paper to use. Man, that’s just mean. Eddie kicks in the stall door and Show wants to come after him, but Show’s ass won’t let him. Man, that whole thing was just nasty.

John Cena/Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker/Kurt Angle
Cena is out with a rap (including a pretty good couplet about transvestites) as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to the introductions for Lesnar, ‘Taker and Angle and the match is underway. Angle and Cena start things off. Collar-and-elbow tie-up goes to the corner and we have a clean break. Snapmare into a headlock by Kurt. Whip into the corner and a shoulderblock by Kurt. Out of the corner, Cena goes for the hip toss and Angle counters with a takeover. Cena gains control of things with kicks and clubbing forearms in the corner. Cena whips Angle, but it gets reversed for a reverse elbow, a clothesline, and a cover for 2. That was a lousy trade-off. ‘Taker tags in and beats on Cena some. ‘Taker works over the arm with a wristlock and some shoulderblocks for added effect. ‘Taker gets an armlift and a slam. Man, every time I see that move it hurts. Wrist and shoulders again before ‘Taker goes for the Old School~! He nails Brock one just because before tagging in Angle. Angle gets caught with kicks and stomps by Cena. Angle retaliates with a whip to the ropes and a HIGH back body drop. Clothesline and a whip by Cena. Brock holds down the top rope and Angle goes sailing outside. Once there, Brock rams Kurt into the apron back first. Undertaker gives chase—

And we go to commercial? What the-?!

Back to a replay of the Flying Olympian and Brock is in control. Brock covers Angle for 2. In the corner, Brock gives Kurt shoulders before hitting a belly-to-belly suplex. Tag is made and Cena stomps and clubs away at Angle. Whip and a reverse elbow on Angle, but ‘Taker breaks the count at 2. Double underhook submission as Cole points out that Angle gave Cena his very first match on SmackDown. History rules. Angle fights out and gets to the ropes but takes a knee to the gut for 2. Brock tags in and stomps on Angle before hitting the Neanderthal Press Slam. Another Neanderthal Press, but Kurt floats, drops, and nails a German suplex. Excellent. Angle is in position to tag, but Brock grabs the ankle. Angle makes the tag – but the ref is distracted. Ahh, the fake hot tag. Pulling out all the stops tonight, are we? Cena is in (without a tag, of course) and gives Angle some shoulders in the corner. Back suplex on Angle gets a cover for 2. Cena kicks at Angle’s ribs and taunts the Undertaker some before walking into an attempted Ankle Lock for being stupid. Brock breaks up the Ankle Lock and takes Cena’s place, no tag. Arbitrary referees are great, really. Brock gets an odd-looking fisherman’s suplex on Angle and a cover, broken up by ‘Taker at 2. Angle is sent to the corner for an elbow, then Brock pops ‘Taker one for giggles and grins. Angle cradles Brock for 2 out of nowhere then hits the Angle Slam~! Time for the toasty tag as ‘Taker comes in and cleans house. Multiple Ho Train Splashes on Cena and Lesnar. Snake Eyes on Lesnar (okay, maybe THAT’S our move of the night…) and a chokeslam for Cena. Cover for 2, broken by Brock. Brock hits a few knees to the gut before nailing a spinebuster. Another toasty tag already? Why, yes it is! Angle’s turn to clean house Belly-to-belly on Brock and a series of rolling Germans on Cena before Angle drops his straps. Cena grabs the chain in the corner. Oh boy. Ankle Lock~! on Cena, but Brock breaks it. All 4 men in now and, as the ref tends to ‘Taker and Brock, Cena cracks Angle with the chain and covers for 3….
But ‘Taker and Brock ain’t done yet! Brock whips ‘Taker into the steel steps and clears away the accoutrements on the announce table. Brock goes for the F5 through the table but ‘Taker slips out and instead hits the chokeslam through the table to end the show.

Silly rabbit. Don’t you know that whoever dominates the feud before the pay per view will most likely lose? Don’t make it obvious.

L8.