News From Cook’s Corner 05.19.10

Hi, hello and welcome to News From Cook’s Corner! I’m Steve Cook, and the Cincinnati Reds are in first place in the National League Central Division as I type this. That doesn’t usually happen this late into the season, so we tend to get way too excited about it.

But you didn’t come here to read about that. No, you want the latest and the greatest wrestling news and notes, with that extra-special Cook spin on them. I’m going to be honest with you folks, this is probably more of a B-show than an A-show. My dad’s birthday was on Tuesday, as was a dentist appointment. Nothing puts you in a better mood than going to see your dentist, right? It’d been a while for me, and the results were not exactly what I was hoping for. Cavities and possible root canals aren’t my idea of a good time…woot?

Tuesday was also Election Day in the Commonwealth, and for the first time ever I batted 1.000 with my votes. Of course, I only had one thing to vote for. But still! I based my vote for Jack Conway in the U.S. Senate election on three factors:

-he’s a Louisville guy
-he’s a horse racing guy
-he’s a Wendell Ford guy

That’s all I needed to make my pick.

So…this week. Well, I’m going to be getting by mostly on funny pictures. I would promise a lot of good newsbites…but honestly there weren’t that many that interested me this week. It sounds like the really interesting news has yet to show its face.

The one thing I learned from the e-mails and comments regarding last week’s column is that not enough of you know who this man is:

That masked man is Don “The Spoiler” Jardine, a member of the original Legion of Doom and a successful wrestler for forty years across the United States & Canada. His greatest contribution to wrestling just might be one of the men he trained in the art of wrestling…The Undertaker.

Hence, Spoiler Alert. How come nobody says boo when I talk about TNA stuff that hasn’t happened on television yet?

Silly question, I know.

On to the column!

You really have to feel bad for young Chelsea. She’s just a simple girl from Orlando wanting to be a model/actress who somehow got swept up into the wrestling business. And now she gets to spend thirty days with Abyss? Who’d she piss off?

Chelsea hasn’t had the opportunity to do a whole lot yet, which some would tell you works in her favor. We’ve all known people that we’ve grown to dislike the more we know about them, right?

Don’t look at me like that!

Canada did not get to join in on the commercial-free fun of this week’s edition of Raw because The Score had a bunch of sponsors sign on for the show before they knew that it was going to be commercial-free. What did they miss? Not much, really. A couple of amusing commercial spoofs, Miz’s promo before his match, the segment with Buzz Aldrin & Vickie Guerrero, and Maryse talking smack about Trish Stratus. That makes sense…the last thing most Canadian wrestling fans want to hear is a Quebecois insulting their beloved Trish. It’d be enough to start a riot!

So why were there Smackdown people on Raw? Honestly they do this so often that I hardly even notice, but in case you were one of those people all up in arms about it, the answer is that WWE considers the commercial-free Raw a “special show”, much like their three-hour shows. I realize the answer is rather anti-climatic, but I work with what they give me. It did get a higher rating than their recent shows, so in that way it was special.

Rey Mysterio is unhappy with WWE at the moment for a number of reasons. One has to do with a disagreement in pay. Rey wants more money, WWE wants to give him less money. Another is the subject of AAA. They wanted to have Rey present the winner of a tournament called the “Copa de Rey Mysterio” a trophy. He was excited about the idea…AAA is the place where Rey got his start and he’s pretty thankful for that. WWE doesn’t like other promotions using their wrestlers, so that was a no-go. Rey wasn’t happy.

So now people are saying that Rey might leave WWE when his contract comes up. He could. Anything could happen. If anything else, I think Rey could really benefit from some time off for the knee injury that he’s had for the past five years or so. Refresh the batteries, and then come back. I think it all depends on what rumor you choose to believe on when his contract expires. Some say it’s in a month or two. Konnan says that Rey just re-signed with them. Is Konnan lying? I wouldn’t put it past him, but then again he and Rey are tight and he’d know Rey’s status a lot better than any of us.

There has been talk of breaking up Team Laycool and having them feud on Smackdown. I would usually say this would be a travesty of justice, but I can kind of see where WWE would be coming from if they chose to do this. With Beth Phoenix on the shelf longer than we anticipated due to a torn ACL and the recent firing of Mickie James, there’s not much in the way of Diva talent on Smackdown at the moment. Kelly Kelly has to be considered Smackdown’s top babyface Diva right now…she’s capable of having competent matches, but will people buy into her as a threat to the Women’s Championship?

You know what, never mind. Nobody would have bought into Layla as a champion a few weeks ago, or Eve Torres a few months ago, or Maryse a couple of years ago. And there’s plenty of people out there who still don’t buy into any of these women as champions, or any women as champions period. So…hell with it. Keep LayCool together and push whoever you want against them, WWE.

In addition to needing a top babyface Diva, Smackdown also needs another upper mid-card to main event heel. Right now the top two candidates are said to be Kofi Kingston & MVP. MVP has experience as a heel on Smackdown and did a lot better in that role than he has as a baby face, so if it was between those two I’d be inclined to go with MVP. Kofi’s microphone skills are tough to judge because he hasn’t really had the opportunity, and sometimes it’s tough for fans to boo somebody who flies around and does cool moves. Since I’d rather not have Kofi adopt the slow methodical heel style that pretty much every bad guy in WWE uses, I’d keep him babyface.

Bret Hart is our United States Champion, and now you can own his childhood home! The infamous Hart House is on the market for the paltry price of $4.95 million. The Hart family sold the house for $1.5 million back in 2004, and since then the house has been renovated and refurbished to look like your typical rich folk home. Well, except for the Dungeon, which remains mostly the way it was, with some new exercise equipment thrown in. If I lived in Calgary and had a few million to throw around I’d probably buy it. Unfortunately for me, neither of these things are true.

Goldust’s blind date on Raw was indy wrestler Cherry Bomb. She’s been wrestling for five years and is from Toronto. Has anybody managed to figure out why Toronto produces more wrestling females than any other city? There must be something in the Molson.

Jim Ross closed up his family restaurant in Norman, Oklahoma this week. He makes no excuses. In his post about it he mentioned that his professional schedule is about to change significantly in the upcoming weeks. Considering what happened on NXT this week, I think I have a pretty good idea of what or at least who JR’s schedule changes will involve.

Unless WWE likes putting people who aren’t coming back in a positive light for the purpose of an angle. It’s not something they usually do.

Last week it seemed like we were talking about a lot of people reportedly heading to Orlando. This week, we’re talking about people reportedly heading out. Dave Meltzer hinted at upcoming budget cuts for TNA, and that seems to be on the agenda even though Dixie Carter really doesn’t want to fire anybody. Wait a minute…I’ve finally figured it out! Dixie Carter is the Michael Scott of pro wrestling!

“I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words: you’re fired. “You’re fired.” Oh, “you’re fired.” He just makes people sad. And an office can’t function that way. No way. “You’re fired.” I think if I had a catchphrase it would be “you’re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.” But that’s unrealistic, so.”

Yeah, I can see Dixie saying that. It’s been rumored that some people have already been released, but I’ve managed to find no official information on this. Obviously it’ll all come out later today…that’s been pretty typical for my wrestling news reporting career.

There were plans to reform LAX once Hernandez returned from Mexico, but apparently that has changed and he’ll be feuding with Matt Morgan in singles competition instead. The reason for this seems clear: Homicide wants out of TNA. He’s wanted to leave the company for several months now, but for whatever reason they refuse to fire him. Obviously they have to keep him around for that Xplosion show.

Hamada’s contract expires soon, and it’s highly unlikely that she’ll be re-signed. Not only is she one of TNA’s highest paid Knockouts (which is kind of like being the smartest kid in remedial math), but creative hasn’t had any plans for her for months now. Sigh.

From the 2009 TNA Wrestling Awards Spectacular!…

TNA’s Most Underutilized Performer of the Year Award:

Steve Cook – Winner: Hamada: This chick made a hell of a debut on the August 27 edition of Impact, defeating Daffney in a brawl that blew mainstream American women’s wrestling out of the water. Many people, myself included, thought that a star was born on that evening. Since then, Hamada has done…………pretty much nothing of note. Which is a damn shame. It seems that she may be forming an alliance with Awesome Kong, which would be pretty bad news for TNA Knockout tag teams, so maybe this underutilization thing will not last. However, TNA certainly should have done more with Hamada immediately after her awesome debut, like they did with Desmond Wolfe after his.

Turns out that the “underutilization thing” lasted, as Hamada’s appeared on five episodes of Impact in 2010. I think John Meehan has appeared on more Impact episodes than Hamada has during her stint with TNA. Tis a shame, as Hamada is a unique performer that has a lot to offer any promotion that she works for. No wonder TNA couldn’t figure out what to do with her.

Hulk Hogan recently had a bit of a medical scare. While undergoing tests to prepare for his upcoming back surgery, doctors noticed a problem with his EKG, which basically is a heart exam. He was sent to a heart specialist and they found nothing wrong. Which is good news because the last thing the wrestling business needs is their most famous product dropping dead of a heart attack. Even if Hogan isn’t exactly a young man, the press would jump all over it.

Ring announcer Dave Penzer left TNA this week, citing burnout. You may wonder how a ring announcer ends up getting burnt out. It doesn’t seem that hard, right? TNA doesn’t even have that many hard names to pronounce. Certainly they have a lot of recognizable names that many ring announcers have been saying for many years. I can only assume that he got burnt out hanging around RVD for a few weeks.

In case you were wondering why Sting & Jeff Jarrett didn’t really have a match, Sting has a shoulder injury and was unable to work a match. So, they did an injury angle with Jarrett. Of course.

The Band will be using the Freebird rules for the tag team championship, meaning that Eric Young can step in and help defend the titles when Scott Hall or Kevin Nash are in no condition to perform. This is probably for the best.

It seems that Mr. Anderson will be turning face soon, and his fans will be known as “Anderson’s Assholes”. Are they going to be allowed to say that on Spike TV? I’m leaning towards “no”, but you just never know these days. I’d assume they’d clear that with somebody before going ahead with it. Then again, they didn’t clear Orlando Jordan’s gimmick with Spike before going ahead with it, and we remember how that started off.

TNA will be running a show outside in Brooklyn, New York. I guess they were hoping that new Nets arena would be built by now.

Jeff Hardy will be judging the Burnout Contest at the 2010 Pennzoil Ultra Victory Challenge in Charlotte. That’s too easy even for me.

Terry Funk reportedly suffered a broken eardrum during an altercation with Hannibal at a press conference for a Great North Wrestling show. Funk was going to be the special guest referee for a match pitting Hannibal against Kevin Nash. You know, I hope this is a work, but the video showed Hannibal landing a really good slap to the ear…I’m guessing that Funk told Hannibal to really hit him or he wouldn’t sell it. That’s how he does things.

The question here is pretty obvious: Why is sixty-five year old Terry Funk going to indy shows and letting people slap him around for real? Yeah, it was fine and dandy fifteen years ago when the Funker was doing his deal in ECW and helping people get over, but I’m way past the point where I need to see a current Terry Funk match or even a random segment where he’s getting beat up. Terry, it’s about time one of your retirements was actually permanent.

This story is a pretty good example of something I was discussing with Aaron Hubbard before the super secret staff forum broke down with the rest of the fan forums. He disagreed with my assertion that wrestlers should be more interested in making money than having “great matches” that nobody sees. If Terry Funk had done more things in his career in the interest of making money, he wouldn’t be getting his eardrum broken at the age of sixty-five by somebody I’ve never heard of. This guy’s no Ric Flair, he could have made a lot of money and managed to save it.

I think he’s only had one wife!

As a big fan of Terry Funk, this story makes me sad. That’s why I really hope it’s a work to get people to talk about Great North Wrestling.

If you’re in the New Jersey area, you can check out Jushin “Thunder” Liger at Jersey All Pro Wrestling’s show on Saturday night in Rahway. He’ll be wrestling Homicide, who will probably be asking him for work in Japan.

A brief update on the lucha show coming to MTV 2…the show will be titled “Masked Warriors”. It will feature talent such as Marco Corleone, Lizmark Jr., Mascarita Dorara, Tinieblas Jr., and some mini wrestlers! Minis are fun, but some of the minis I’ve seen in Mexico aren’t really what I’d consider minis. Heck, some of them are taller than the actual wrestlers! Hopefully these guys will be the genuine article.

Andre Baker, a British wrestler who ran the NWA UK: Hammerlock promotion and a wrestling school that produced many of Britian‘s top current stars, passed away over the weekend at the age of forty-five. The cause of death is believed to be suicide. Some of the products of Baker’s wrestling school include current TNA X Division Champion Douglas Williams, Katie Lea, Rebecca Knox & Fergal “Prince” Devitt. The promotion established the NWA in Europe and was one of the first British promotions to feature a wide variety of American wrestlers.

Let’s end things on a brighter note…Shelton Benjamin will be receiving his degree from the University of Minnesota at the end of this semester. Shelton had gone back to school just before his release from WWE, so obviously he just needed a few more credit hours. And who says a college education won’t be there for athletes when their career ends?

And in the “OMG I need to see this live because it could either be the greatest thing or the worst thing ever” news of the week, Jimmy Hart & the Honky Tonk Man are headlining the Legends of Rock N’ Wrestling Tour. Also appearing on the tour will be Koko B. Ware & Hillbilly Jim. I wonder if these gentlemen own the rights to their own music…it could create a little bit of a problem if WWE didn’t let Koko sing “Piledriver”.

I’d still probably go if it comes anywhere near Northern Kentucky.

The Rs featured me not liking Ziggler vs. Masters as much as everybody else. I had a feeling that would happen when I saw people touting it as a TV Match of the Year candidate. I didn’t see it that way, but I do see the Swaggie as a Sandwich of the Year candidate. It tastes like freedom!

Ari talks about Glory by Honor. I love it when New York fans bitch and moan about shows that markets like Dayton or Louisville would kill to get.

Hubbard ranks the top ten Chris Jericho matches. Where was the Daniel Bryan match?

I was much better at picking TNA Sacrifice matches than I was at Lockdown. I hope my Over the Limit Roundtable gets a better showing than this did.

The good people at Wrestler of the Week ignored Japan and the indies this week and still got heat. Heh.

Csonka had takes on Dragon Gate USA & TNA’s recent PPV offerings. I didn’t because I didn’t watch either. I’m not made of money, mannnnn.

Grimm talks about Big Show vs. JBL in a barbed wire steel cage match. I think he’s just trolling people now.

Eubanks is still here. Of course he is, he and I are the only ones that know of the pictures of Csonka with the donkey.

Whoops.

Well, that’s all we have time for this week! The distinguished JP Prag will be in tomorrow, and I’ll be back next week with more News From Cook’s Corner. Until then…