The Seventh Dimension 01.05.08: Year He, Year He!

Hello, and thanks for joining me for the first Seventh Dimension of 2008. Not that it makes much of a difference, but it’s an excuse for everyone in the IWC to talk about the same thing, so it’s perfect for a slouch like yours truly.

By the way, does nobody else think it’s about time we started referring to these years as ‘Twenty-O-Eight’ and such, instead of ‘Two-Thousand-and-Eight’? It’s one fewer syllable and it has more continuity with the last century, yet nobody takes the initiative. Honestly, it’s bad enough that ‘the millennium’ was treated as an individual event instead of a cluster of one-hundred decades yet to transpire (not to mention that it was celebrated a year before the change actually took place).

Anyway, enough rambling. Let’s get to work.

But First…

I just received an email from Larry (Csonka, no less), informing me that, starting next week, I shall be hosting my column on Friday afternoons. It doesn’t make THAT big a difference, except that hopefully I shall receive a few extra hits from those who ‘tune in’, as it were, for the 4Rs and Impact reports. Just remember that, in future.

But anyway, time for this week’s debacle.

Year He, Year He!

I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your attention that 411 has been hosting a four-day award (or e-ward) ceremony, commemorating the best and the worst of the industry in the last 365 (before Tuesday, of course). While everyone has got different ideas on everything you can name, usually these bequeathings can be seen as a pretty strong guide of the status quo, and this was no exception. However, for my own ego-stroking desires, I’m now going to host my own little service. In this, I shall impart and explain my choices for the official year-end awards, hand out awards for criteria not yet discussed that I am aware of, and finally make predictions for the next year.

Fun and frolics for all. So, without further ado, I present to you…

Now THAT’S what I call ‘Wrestlecrap’. **Reaction shot of man shaking his head with contempt.** Yeah!

Right, first of all here were my picks for the conventional awards.

Announcer of the Year = John Layfield.
An easy pick, really. Jim Ross is still the best at calling the matches and making the storylines seem important, but Layfield is currently head and shoulders above everyone else at making the wrestlers seem important – an art which is, sadly, lacking in this day and age to an extent.

Rookie of the Year = I can’t remember, actually. I’ll go with Santino, though.
I must admit that I’m basing this on memory alone, as I have neither the time nor the will to find the original forum post and discover who my pick was at the time of voting. I have a strange feeling that I choose somebody else with Santino a close second, but since I can’t remember who that was? Santino shall get the nod.

Breakout of the Year = Again, I seem to have forgotten. I’ll plump with John Morrison.
MVP saw the greatest advance in ability of anyone, Great Khali had a respectable (if somewhat boring outside of the triple-threat matches) World Heavyweight Championship reign, and CM Punk won more free TV matches than anyone else on any WWE brand and won the ECW title. But, for my money, Morrison had the most monumental shift in momentum because nobody could have seen it coming – and, let’s face it, it shouldn’t have happened. And yet, now, I can’t imagine ECW without the Shaman of Sexy.

Comeback of the Year = Undertaker/Shawn Michaels.
Impossible to separate, in my opinion. Two men who rediscovered themselves at exactly the same time, exactly when they were needed to. Undertaker was asked to carry the World Heavyweight Championship on Smackdown!, and relight the fire under Batista that appeared to have been extinguished after the injury. Shawn Michaels was required to postpone his hiatus and feud with John Cena while Triple H was on the shelf. Both were in extremely good matches at Wrestlemania, but ironically both were then injured around about the same time and had to leave once more. They have both since returned as of last autumn, and both have picked up where they left of – having very entertaining matches in the main-event scene and solidifying the current champions of both brands.

Disappointment of the Year = Angle vs. Samoa Joe Part IV.
I believe this is what I voted for, although Cena’s injury preventing his Last Man Standing match with Orton was on my list somewhere as well (though I think it was low down, as the replacement match Orton had with Triple H was fantastic). But it’s hard to believe I’d have placed my points anywhere else. I’m not one of those who has a problem with Angle defeating Joe, but the way their feud and match at Hard Justice went down actually did a lot more to damage Joe than a clean loss would have done. He still hasn’t recovered from it.

Best Indy Show = Not really applicable. I didn’t see any all the way through other than Good Times, Great Memories. That’s not counting the RoH pay-per-views, though.

Best Free TV Match = Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena on Raw.
Obviously. Nice to see Storm vs. Harris on Impact! came second, as well.

Best Story/Surprise of the Year = I think I went for Impact! getting a second hour.
Then I’m pretty sure I had Steiner surviving and recuperating from a situation where he was at one time five hours away from death, and Konnan’s kidney surgery being funded by fans. But I went for the second hour because, well, they’d been moaning about not having it and now we don’t have to listen to it any more. In fairness, Ring of Honor’s move to PPV was always the likely winner here.

Worst Story/Surprise of the Year = That whole Benoit thing.
Well, duh. I already wrote a column about this a few months back, so let’s just move on.

Best Feud/Storyline of the Year = MVP vs. Matt Hardy.
This sort of long-term booking is rather rare within the main feds these days, so it made a nice (and usually entertaining) change to see this being played out at a pace where it’s still going on. And to think, so far they’ve only faces each other ONCE for the United States Championship.

Worst Feud/Storyline of the Year = The Vince McMahon Saga.
Or, more specifically, the ‘death’ angle. Ok, we only saw two weeks of it due to the actual tragedy that unfolded in late June, and I wasn’t offended by it as some were. I also think that, if you ARE going to fake a death in wrestling, you probably should have the bells toll. Sadly, the whole idea just sucked balls, took time away from every show during that fortnight and provided a cringe-worthy promo from Stephanie to boot. It didn’t help that Sherri Martel died during the run, which of course was ignored in favour of the storyline (not that Sherri was ever going to earn THAT much of a tribute from the ‘E, but it still left a bad taste in the mouths of most). And get this – there were thousands of people who believed Vince had actually been killed, and then there were thousands more who believed that the imminent Martel and Benoit deaths were part of the angle. The Trump/Hornswoggle/Lashley shtick has also been more than questionable, but none of those can compare with the level of stupidity evident in the limousine explosion.

Worst Fed = TNA.
Obviously not the ‘worst’ by any means, but easily the most agonising. TNA is a show that should be absolutely brilliant but, as I spent the last five week explaining before now, is holding itself back a bit.

Worst Promo = PACMAN Jones’s introduction.
Actually, I think I voted the Matt Hardy/MVP Pizza-Eating Contest first, but it didn’t count since it was more of a ‘skit’ than a ‘promo’. Rikishi was a worthy winner in the end, but I think Adam Jones’s was worse because of what we had expected. We knew he would be crap in the ring even before he was banned from competing by the Titans, BUT he was made out to be a scumbag for his past exploits so we could have expected him to give a few entertaining speeches and be utilised as a mouth-piece. Instead, he came out on pay-per-view (Hard Justice, which was already struggling to say the least) to a huge pyrotechnic show and personalised entrance video, and promptly displayed all the personality of a very reserved lentil which felt a little under the weather. The fans, rightly, took a giant crap on it and that should probably have been the end. Of course, TNA had other plans…

Worst Pay-Per-View = WWE Summerslam.
Hard Justice and Vengeance were probably slightly worse technically, but Summerslam got my vote because it was the second year in a row that WWE’s second-biggest show came across as relatively lackluster. Yes, there were two returns in Rey Mysterio and Triple H, and that’s all good and well. But, in regards to the action itself, there was absolutely nothing in the first two-and-a-half hours that could really be considered anything above ‘mildly interesting’. Rey vs. Chavo was quite good, and Stone Cold warming up for a beer-drinking contest with MVP, then hitting a Stunner on him without ever saying a word all night was very funny. Apart from that, it was rather dismal and certainly NOT what I would expect from a ‘Big Four’ event. Thankfully, for the second year running, the main event delivered and it delivered big-time. But it still couldn’t completely save the show for me.

Worst Match = Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell.
Not just the match itself, but what it represented – a lame, almost infantile attempt at integrating satire into the show. It didn’t pay off, but at least McMahon/Trump had some entertaining moments thereafter.

Worst Manager = Christy Hemme.
She’s very attractive, but that’s not enough to constitute an authoritarian role in a major wrestling promotion. Well, it shouldn’t be anyway.

Worst Tag Team = Team PACMAN.
Oy. You all know the atrocities that took place with this team, so I won’t go into too much more detail. Thankfully, three good things DID come from TP’s run with the gold – Ron Killings got another World title out of it, Lucious Creed put on a damn fine show at Bound For Glory, and Styles and Tomko ended up with the straps and getting a rapturous response for dethroning the git from his bullet-encrusted perch.

Worst Female Wrestler = Kelly Kelly (I think).
I may have gone with Layla, but I probably went with Kelly. I hold the same philosophy for Kelly as I do with Christy Hemme – I’d fuck it, but I wouldn’t employ it.

Worst Wrestler = PACMAN Jones.
Enough, already! I voted Andrew Martin second for this.

Best Fed = Ring of Honor.
ONLY because it is consistently entertaining. I will almost always prefer the best that WWE has to offer over the best RoH has to offer, but unfortunately that kind of quality is few and far between. RoH, on the other hand, seldom puts on a bad match. Most importantly, their three PPVs this year have been nothing short of extraordinary, while many of WWE’s efforts have been horrendous. In hindsight, five out of fourteen from WWE isn’t as bad as some might have guessed it would be, but it’s still unacceptable. RoH has produced three PPVs, all of which have been tremendous top-to-bottom, and at a fraction of the price. That’s enough for me to hand it the award, although I still consider myself an unapologetic WWE loyalist.

Best Promo = Both of the Steiners/Dudleys promos.
Again, I actually voted for a skit on this one rather than a promo (Orton kicking Cena’s father in the head), and as such it didn’t count. Nevertheless, my victor was different from that which eventually crossed the winning line. Ric Flair’s owning of Carlito rocked all manner of balls, but I felt it was more a way of Flair venting his general frustrations rather than personal ones, and at the behest of the bookers wanting to tell the IWC that they do pay attention to our assessments – namely, those of Carlito being lazy. Plus, it didn’t really lead anywhere other than a couple of throwaway matches. The Steiners/Dudleys series, on the other hand, were parts of probably TNA’s single-best feud this year. First of all, there was the disrespectful noobification bestowed on Bubba Ray by Scott and Rick, where they listed the opponents they’d beaten and the places they’d been to, and told them that these accomplishments were sentimentally more valuable that the on-paper legacy the Dudleys share. Then, after Scott’s terrifying trachea injury, the roles have reversed and the Dudleys are the heels while the Steiners are the faces. Bubba tells Scott that he doesn’t believe Scott was injuried, and that he’s just a coward. Scott responds by threatening him to never insult Puerta Ricans again, and then shows him the scar. The whole thing was incredibly intense, it paved the path for a huge rivalry that had some enjoyable matches, and in the end I remembered these promos the most after all was said and done.

Pay-Per-View of the year = WWE Royal Rumble.
I just loved it. The only bad match on the card, Lashley vs. Test, was expected to be rubbish. It was a hell of a way to bounce back from 2006’s Rumble, as well.

Match of the Year = John Cena vs Umaga at the Royal Rumble.
Tee hee, I’m sure a pattern’s just emerged. I’ll say right now that I never credited this with a chance of winning, as I felt Danielson/McGuinness from Driven was a synch for the title, but I’m absolutely delighted Umaga and Cena took it. The main reason being? We know what to expect from Bryan and Nigel. We anticipated greatness because we’d seen it before from them. The same, however, could not be said for Umaga and Cena, who not only worked the ‘Last Man Standing’ stipulation to a tee, but also played up Cena’s (kayfabe) abdominal injuries about as well as they could have done. Umaga running across the tables and splashing through the last one, and finally Cena choking Umaga unconscious with the rope itself, were tremendous mark-out moments to cap off an exquisite psychological masterpiece.

Manager of the Year = Jim Mitchell.
I simply couldn’t think of that many others. I was kicking myself afterwards for not voting for Sweet ‘N Sour Larry Sweeney, but oh well. He won anyway, so no harm done.

Tag Team of the Year = The Murder City Machine Guns.
Just because I like them more than the Briscoes, who I consider a bit more reliant on spots (not that they’re bad at the technical stuff – just not on the same level as Chris Sabin and, especially, Alex Shelley). Plus, the MCMG are now breaking out on TNA, after what many considered a rough patch with them losing to the Voodoo Kin Mafia in ninety seconds not too long ago. They’re now #1 contenders for the TNA World Tag Team Championship as well, so they deserve the nod here.

Womens’ Wrestler of the Year = Awesome Kong.
There wasn’t that much competition in the big feds, apart from Gail Kim. But Kong deserved it, nonetheless.

Wrestler of the Year = John Cena.
As if I was ever going to pick anyone else.

Right, now those are out of the way, here are a few personal awards I’d like to hand out that were not covered in the grand journalistic gala.

Cleverest Clogs = Triple H.
Thanks to his cunning, if you want to call it that, he managed to have three matches and a very short WWE Championship run, all in the guise of putting Randy Orton over after Cena went down with injury. In fact, it was Triple H who asked that Orton win the title in the first place, so that he would still have credibility after Triple H wins their impending feud. To be fair, I loved every second of the title situation at No Mercy, and the Last Man Standing match was excellent. Plus, I’m a big Orton mark. Therefore, I have no complaints here.

Stupidest Sod = Ken Kennedy.
With stiff competition from Randy Orton circa May of this year, Ken Kennedy gets this award for blabbing about how great the Wellness policy is and how steroid junkies are nobheads…while concurrently reciting vital points of the legislation incorrectly and, eventually, being discovered as fraudulent in his claims that he hadn’t been taking steroids. Having said that, he’s good for the business and I want to see him succeed.

Fittest Cunt = Kelly Kelly.
She might by an atrocious wrestler, and utterly useless at dancing to boot, but twist my Mister Perkins and call me ‘Cum-Gullet’ if she doesn’t make my heart a-flutter when I see her. Especially her arse. Maria is an easy second.

Ugliest Skank = Torrie Wilson.
And she’ll get this award every year I present it (i.e. This year only), because the amount of make-up on that girl is ridiculous. You can polish a turd, but you can’t make it taste like butterscotch. Unless it’s butterscotch polish, I guess.

Biggest ‘Guilty Pleasure’ = Hornswoggle McMahon.
I feel awful for supporting such rancid rubbish, but I can’t help but raise a smile when he’s blowing up Jonathan Coachman underneath the ring with a bomb that the Coach planted himself, or when he’s painting a door on a wall so as to escape from Carlito, who then attempts to run through said door but fails and ends up hurt. Also, you know what that led to? Ron Simmons’s ‘Damn’ shpeel, which is my second-placer.

Biggest ‘Fuck Right Off, Already’ Gimmick = The Highlanders.
Multiply the Bushwhackers by Rab C. Nesbitt, then divide it by talent. The result is these tosspots.

Best Acting = John Cena.
Let it be said that this is for an individual performance rather than a whole year’s worth, as I still regard Shawn Michaels as the single best actor in wrestling today. Ric Flair may have a few words about that, but I stand firm. However, John Cena provided the year’s best emotional promo, when he was backstage after attacking Randy Orton. This was a week or so after Cena Junior had been assaulted by Orton, and Cena’s rant was nothing short of incredible. He got so worked up while talking loudly and clearly (importantly, this is different from shouting) about respecting his father honour, that he actually got a lump in his throat and almost started to cry. It was only about two minutes long, but it was the most effective use of 120 seconds in the latter half of 2007.

Worst Acting = Stephanie McMahon.
The less said about her pathetic false crying after Vince’s supposed ‘death’, the better. Then again, I can’t blame her for failing in this instance. The whole thing was an abortion.

Blackest Bastard = Bobby Lashley.
He’s black. Bastard is a term of endearment here, though. And to prove I’m not being racist, I’ll give Mike Mizanin the Whitest Wanker trophy, and Khali shall receive the Asian-est Arse-bandit gong. All of these three men are also part of my ‘Guilty Pleasure’ troupe, as well.

Wrestling Personality I’d Most Like To See Die In The Next Year = …Oh, I can’t. It’s just too cold.

And now, with that out of the way, here are a few predictions for the year ahead.

1) Samoa Joe will have a heel TNA World title reign of between one and three months in the second half of the year.
2) No active in-ring performers shall meet their deaths within the WWE, but several old-timers will. To refrain from sounding morbid, I shall not be forecasting who will pass on. Also, hopefully none of my cats will die for a few more years.
3) Ring of Honor will either secure a major television deal OR will secure an extra two pay-per-views each year.
4) ECW shall have its contract renewed again, but will remain of its current one-hour format.
5) WWE will name-drop Chris Benoit somewhere in the latter half of the year, probably as a way of getting somebody or something else over.
6) Impact!’s ratings will finally reach at least 1.3 (their current record is 1.2).
7) Raw’s ratings will average 3.7 for the whole year, while Smackdown! will be averaging 3.1 by the end of the year. ECW will probably see neither a rise nor a fall in its ratings.
8) Ken Kennedy will have at least one match for the WWE title, and will probably have a World tag team title reign.
9) Either Shawn Michaels, the Undertaker or John Cena will have the Match of the Year once again.
10) Batista will win the Royal Rumble, Triple H will win the Elimination Chamber at No Way Out, and Batista will switch brands and beat Triple H and Randy Orton in a triple-threat match at Wrestlemania for the WWE Championship.

So what have we learned? Well, that no single opinion is important, for one. That wrestling is taken far too seriously for its own good, as another. But, above all else, we’ve discovered one important thing:

Toilets are funny.

NEVER forget that.

Reader Feedback

I had an email from Richard Wiltsie this week which, I must be quite honest, I have yet to read (e-mail troubles, as well as my new PS3 providing a distraction). However, it’s only fair that I publish it. I know for a fact it is critical of my views, so perhaps that’s why I’ve lacked the motivation required to analyse what he has to say. Sorry about that, but here it is. Hopefully one day soon I shall find time to look at it and leave a comment as my response.

I have a few comments and criticisms regarding your last column of TNA analysis. A few points stick out to me that I disagree on. I’ll just take it case by case.

“Due to laziness I am unwilling and unable to actually give any statistical evidence here, but from the perspective of a fan here is how TNA’s skits and relationships seem to exist – heels hate each other, faces hate each other, faces hate heels and vice versa, all tag teams hate each other, all tag teams argue with their own members, every new ‘monster’ hates Abyss, and everyone hates Kurt Angle.”

The one glaring oversight here, is that you say faces hate each other. I don’t see that in the programming, at least not an overwhelming amount. You could make a case for the tag teams, but I’ll cross that bridge momentarily. As for heels hating heels this actually creates a more realistic dynamic that I personally enjoy very much. In the past there seems to have been heels hate the faces, and they will work together to accomplish these goals. I never thought of this as fun, or realistic. It’s hard to imagine these characters not having paranoia complexes and being distrusting of each other (especially when the end goal is a single title). As for every monster hating Abyss I think you are right, but to be fair that is a case of bad circumstance from Mesiases injury. Had he not been, Rellik and Black Reign wouldn’t have been involved in the capacity they had been. Going further on that route I wouldn’t even call either of them monsters as they never looked as such against Abyss, just cannon fodder. Kurt Angles character lends itself to being disliked by everyone, which again, I think makes sense. There are a few characters that get along with him, but it makes sense for them to do so (AJ, and Robert Roode). I think your statement of “I do think there should be a difference between ‘professional rivalry’ and ‘I hope you choke on my bollocks'” isn’t valid, because I believe that dynamic allready exists.

“Take the tag team heat, for instance. Every week, at least one person is arguing with his or her partner, for whatever reason. Now, I know that even the best of friends are going to bicker once in a while, but again this pulls away from the importance of the association and goes into ‘none of us get along’ territory. The sad thing is, however, that these are the teams and alliances that actually succeed in TNAland, which makes every cogent squad look ridiculous in comparison.”

As opposed to what alternative though? In the past if two partners argue 90% of the time it leads to the team breaking up. It’s a dead giveaway. With this structure of teams arguing in place it creates the question of if the team will split, not the certainty. I don’t believe this falls into the none of us get along territory, as you said it in the same sentence. It’s friends bickering. This shit happens everyday in work enviroments, friendships, marriages, etc etc. Sometimes it leads to a split other times it is worked through. The only reason it could pull away from the importance of the association is because of the precendences allready set in tag team wresting that partners have to get along personally to succeed. That doesn’t make sense. I actually give TNA much credit for trying to change the standard here for reasons stated above.

“But the point is, too much dramatic significance is in fact being placed on too many feuds, and this may very well lead to NONE of them standing out in the long-term.”

The attitude era, which many have agreed to be the highpoint of pro wrestling, had many feuds going on at once. Of course some of them stand out in the long-term. Some of them are absolutely ridiculous and some are not. AJs choice I have found to be a highly compelling story. Certain ones are standing out because of the characters involved places on the card. And that’s just as it should be. Now from you’re statement you say it isn’t bad, but too much significance being placed on too much stuff. It worked in the attitude era with great success. The McMahon Austin feud wasn’t diluted by The Val Venis Kae En Tai story. The viewers will and have assigned the significance to the feuds themselves, so for that reason the more the merrier. This is the major reason I prefer TNA over WWE now. WWE has so few things going on at one show that I feel I can afford to miss it. If there are only 2 storylines going per brand then I cant get into a match that has no significance at all, and no reason. I can’t get into a character that has no conflict.

“The precedent of booking major, successful rivalries teaches us two things – that simplicity is key, and that you don’t want to be giving away too much for free. The second part of that is usually utilised in one of three ways – by separating the fighters until the match takes place, by holding a tag team match involving them both a week before the show to give a couple of minutes’ preview, or by having a series of short skirmishes/near-misses in the two weeks or so leading up to the match.”

At the same time these precedents are often dull, and tired. It’s the same wash rinse repeat pattern, unless you have two insanely charismatic characters. Complexity provides us something we haven’t seen before. Now I’m not saying you’re wrong here. That is a traditional formula, that works moderately well. But its that formula that WWE has followed for the last two years, and to be quite honest, bores me. I used to be a rabid follower of wrestling, but have dulled on it due to these booking patterns. It’s a cookie cutter template, and lacks creativity. It’s almost as if it settles for mediocrity.

“but sometimes the fakeness of one thing will destroy the chimera of its far more realistic counterparts. How would anybody, no matter HOW stupid, believe that Ricky Banderas would somehow be allowed to pierce Abyss’s flesh with shards of broken glass (And no, the cage is not an excuse – none of the security outside of it batted an eyelid)? No matter how lenient your policies, you’re probably going to call the police when one of your employees is actively mangling his colleague with a weapon”

How would anybody believe in a sporting competion that someone could run in with a chair, hit another guy causing him to lose, and not have the result over turned? For that matter, how could someone have assaulted someone in the back without getting arrested? Why would anyone just run back at you after you’ve thrown them into the rope, is the momentum just that great? You know as well as I do, to enjoy pro wrestling is to suspend your disbelief.

“Whether or not it was the real rat, it doesn’t change the fact that it appears to advocate violence against animals, and I can’t accept that when the lines are so blurred. ‘Estate Agents’ taking a chainsaw to a toy cat with fake blood? Fine, it’s obviously farce. A man grabbing hold of a living, breathing rat and threatening to kill it, with a bloodthirsty audience in attendance? Not so much.”

But it didn’t happen. And the lines aren’t blurred anymore. Who doesn’t know this is all an act? 20 years ago you could’ve made a case for this, but now its no different than seeing it on a movie, or in another television show. We know it’s not real. And to call them a bloodthirsty audience is a large stretch. If it did actually happen, then I’d be agreeing with you as it would have been out of line. But as it stands, it didnt happen.

Admitedly I didnt get a chance to finish your column so didnt get to the rebuttal of the negative arguements, and for that I apologize. I ran out of time while choosing to write this up. Despite my disagreements with your point of view, it was a thought provoking article that actually help me come to terms with why I’ve enjoyed TNA so much recently. It was very well written, and I enjoyed the thought provoking topic. Keep up the good work.

–MKick / Rick

Oooh, yeah!

And that concluded a slightly languid edition. I have a suggestion for future weeks, my friends – YOU tell ME what to write about some weeks, and I’ll probably oblige. I have one or two ideas, but not enough inspiration. Help me to help myself. Please, though, no suggestions like “write about what a cock you are”, because that’s just mean.

See you next week. On FRIDAY, remember!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX