The Wrestling News Experience: 03.16.09

Monday, March 16th, 2009

From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!

Sponsored by AC/DC – “Thunderstruck”

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and I have not yet watched the Watchmen. But I will. I’d say no spoilers, but the graphic novel is twenty years old and I’ve read it a half dozen times, so unless Silk Spectre is recast as a dude in the movie, there’s really nothing to spoil.

Meanwhile, I’ve spent the week watching curling. I’m still not sure what it is about Canadians that makes us love curling, but damn it, I can’t stop watching it. Don’t you judge me!

And that’s enough of that. Let’s go.

PPV In Review – TNA Destination X 2009

Lansdell has the live coverage, that poor bastard.

Taylor Wilde, Roxxi, and “The Governor” defeated The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne (Wilde pinned Rayne, German suplex bridge pin)

So, TNA is the only place that still cares about Sarah Palin? Well, except maybe Alaska, and even then, I’m not so sure.

Brutus Magnus defeated Eric Young (pinfall, Super Tormentum)

And EY continues to yo-yo up and down the card on a weekly basis. Is he a lower card jobber? Sting’s protégé? A midcard threat? A complete joke? You never know!

Matt Morgan defeated Abyss in a 10,000 Thumbtacks Match

Awesome Kong defeated Sojo Bolt to retain the TNA Knockouts Title (pinfall, Awesome Bomb)

Scott Steiner defeated Samoa Joe (DQ, excessive use of a lead pipe)

Okay, so I tell TNA they can’t actually pay off Joe threatening Steiner with a knife, and they go ahead and have Joe stab Steiner “off-screen”? Okay, fine, you were right, you can do it. It’s stupid, but you can do it.

AJ Styles defeated Booker T to win the TNA Legends Title (pinfall, Styles Clash)

Team 3D defeated Beer Money, Inc. in an Off The Wagon Challenge Match (countout). Beer Money retains the TNA Tag Team Titles

So, TNA invented an entire gimmick that adds an extra dimension to tag title matches, but after following through with it a couple times, what, did they just get bored and decided to just have tag title matches with BS finishes so that nobody beats Beer Money and nobody important gets fired? Hey, maybe introducing the gimmick in the first place was a bad idea.

Suicide won the Ultimate X Match involving Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Consequences Creed to win the X Division Title

Sting defeated Kurt Angle to retain the TNA World Title (pinfall, Scorpion Death Drop)

Well, at least nobody actually swerved anyone. I guess.

So, another spotfest Ultimate X and a decent AJ Styles-Booker T match, with a bunch of mediocre stuff surrounding it. Oh yea, and I think Samoa Joe’s fatter, balder brother might have killed Scott Steiner and confessed to it in front of thousands of people. Buddy?

Buddy Is Ashamed

What’s On Tap: WWE Raw for March 16th

Last week, both major title matches at WrestleMania took major twists on Raw. First, John Cena was inserted into the World Heavyweight Championship match against Edge and The Big Show, and incidentally revealed a long-running affair between the World’s Largest Athlete and Edge’s wife, the GM of Smackdown Vicki Guerrero. Edge responded by going to his crazy place, and you know that won’t be good for anybody.

Meanwhile, Randy Orton hid from the vengeance of Triple H at his home in Missouri with his wife and apparently a dozen other people who hang out there. And now that Orton has been revealed as married (although apparently not to that actual woman), are we going to forget that he nailed Kelly Kelly a month or so ago? Anyway, Orton’s security was soon shattered, as Triple H hunted down his nemesis and stalked him throughout the house, only stopping after throwing Orton through his front window and being arrested by the police. Will Triple H even be able to make it to WrestleMania, much less this week’s Raw?

Plus, JBL has planned something historic for WrestleMania, and step one went down last week as he defeated CM Punk for the Intercontinental title. What does the Wall Street magnate have in store for WrestleMania?

And Chris Jericho has requested, nay, demanded that Ric Flair come out of retirement and face his wrath, this week on Raw. Will the Nature Boy accede to Jericho’s wishes, or are there surprises in store for the Saved One? All these questions and more, may be answered tonight on Raw, as the Road to WrestleMania moves on!

The Wrestling Threatdown

5. The Old Familiar Story

The body of former WWE and TNA wrestler and Canadian Andrew “Test” Martin was discovered in his apartment this past weekend. He was four days short of his 34th birthday. Martin had reportedly just recently finished a substance abuse rehabilitation program, courtesy of the WWE’s offer to pay for rehab for any formerly contracted talent that wished to take advantage of it. The cause of death has not yet been released, but suffice to say, when a 34 year old professional wrestler dies just after leaving rehab, the results are not expected to be good, and will likely lead to another Larry King or Nancy Grace “special expose” on the drug problems of WWE.

We here at the Experience would like to extend our sympathies to the family and friends of Andrew Martin. Because life just isn’t fair.

4. The Partridge Family

Coming on the heels of “The Governor”, offering Rod Blagowhatsisname a job as Chairman of the MEM, and hiring yet another Survivor contestant, apparently TNA is planning to showcase the wrestling debut of actor Danny Bonaduce, last seen on Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, at the upcoming Lockdown PPV, against either another celebrity, or another TNA Superstar should they fail to find someone. Probably Eric Young. Unless he’s wrestling for the TNA World Title that night. Or jobbing to Sheik Abdul Bashir. Or part of a hilarious Jay Lethal backstage promo where he references old wrestlers from the past.

3. Walking Pneumonia

Apparently loveable announcer and sometimes grumpy old Internet crank Good Ol’ JR was in some pain this past weekend, and after initially resisting his wife’s advice, went to the hospital and discovered he had walking pneumonia. This hit close to JR, who lost his father to pneumonia. Just think, if he’d been like all us normal, hospital-fearing (yeah, I’ll admit it) guys, we might have been unexpectedly and tragically faced with a future where Michael Cole is the top voice of WWE.

Personally, I’ve been worried about going to the hospital ever since it took four different doctors before someone noticed that my fiancée had mono. And is mono like this generation’s measles? I know at least a dozen un-related people who all have had it in the last two years. But I digress. Get used to it.

2. News of an Ornithological Nature

Holy crap, I spelled it right the first time.

Anyway, on the heels of WWE announcing the induction of comedy jobber Koko B. Ware into the WWE Hall of Fame, the Internet exploded into a furor over the injustice of the Birdman getting into the Hall before roughly every other wrestler who ever existed except maybe Greg Gagne. Maybe.

Of course, something you may have overlooked is that Koko did not leave WWE on the best of terms, and probably further tweaked Vince’s nose by appearing in the movie “Beyond The Mat”. And in the land of optimism that I call the Internet, every wrestler who Vince hates that gets invited back for whatever reason, especially to be in the Hall of Fame, is one more step towards a Hall of Fame ceremony involving the two most insane induction speeches in the history of hall of fames everywhere: Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior.

Also, and more importantly, news about Koko allows me to use this:

That will never get old.

1. Hogan!

And that crazy Hulkster just won’t go away, as apparently he got into it with his ex-wife’s lawyer at their recent divorce proceedings. But, the story gets even weirder, as apparently that same lawyer asked Hogan for his autograph just before the proceedings began. So, you’re telling me that they decided Hogan’s life wasn’t interesting enough for television, but his daughter’s alleged singing career was? And you wonder why I disparage all forms of reality television that aren’t Hell’s Kitchen or The Amazing Race. Seriously, can we get someone to start taping these divorce proceedings? I’m sure Fox could use something to fill Friday nights once they cancel Dollhouse before the tenth episode airs.

The Injury Bug Bites

Inactive List as of 03.09.09

WWE Raw

– Batista, out 5-6 months as of December 22nd (hamstring)
– Candice Michelle, RAW, out 4-6 weeks as of March 8th (ankle)

WWE SmackDown

– No reported injuries

ECW

– Evan Bourne, out 4-6 weeks (torn deltoid)

TNA

– Christy Hemme, out indefinitely as of January 10th (neck surgery)
– Moose, out 6 months as of July 7th (broken femur)
– Kaz, out indefinitely as of December 15th (torn bicep)

Transactions

– Cody Deaner, TNA, made TNA debut at Destination X PPV

– Kizarny, SD!, released from his contract

Who’s Holding Gold

And the streak continues, as CM Punk drops the Intercontinental title on Raw to that young up-and-comer JBL (who recently speculated that he might actually retire again after Mania), and has now held four different WWE titles (ECW, World Heavyweight, Intercontinental, and World Tag) without winning or losing any of them in a PPV match. That has to be the oddest wrestling stat ever.

WWE

WWE Champion: Triple H
– 29 day reign, defeated former champion Edge, Jeff Hardy, Vladimir Kozlov, The Big Show, and The Undertaker in an Elimination Chamber match on February 15th (No Way Out PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Randy Orton, WrestleMania XXV

World Heavyweight Champion: Edge
– 29 day reign, defeated former champion John Cena, Chris Jericho, Kane, Mike Knox, and Rey Mysterio in an Elimination Chamber match on February 15th (No Way Out PPV)
– Next title defense: vs The Big Show and John Cena, WrestleMania XXV

ECW Champion: Jack Swagger
– 62 day reign, defeated Matt Hardy on January 13th (ECW on Sci Fi)

**NEW** WWE Intercontinental Champion: JBL
– 7 day reign, defeated CM Punk on March 9th (Raw)

WWE United States Champion: Shelton Benjamin
– 239 day reign, defeated Matt Hardy on July 20th (Great American Bash PPV)

World Tag Team Champions: John Morrison and The Miz
– 93 day reign, defeated CM Punk and Kofi Kingston on December 13th (Hamilton, ON house show)

WWE Tag Team Champions: Carlito and Primo Colon
– 171 day reign, defeated Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder on September 26th (Smackdown)

WWE Women’s Champion: Melina
– 50 day reign, defeated Beth Phoenix on January 25th (Royal Rumble PPV)

WWE Diva’s Champion: Maryse
– 80 day reign, defeated Michelle McCool on December 26th (Smackdown)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Sting
– 155 day reign, defeated Samoa Joe on October 12th (Bound For Glory PPV)

TNA Tag Team Champions: Beer Money, Inc.
– 64 day reign, defeated former champions Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed, and Matt Morgan & Abyss, in a Triple Threat match on January 11th (Genesis PPV)

**NEW** TNA X-Division Champion: Suicide
– 1 day reign, defeated former champion Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, and Consequences Creed in an Ultimate X Match on March 15th (Destination X PPV)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong
– 145 day reign, defeated Taylor Wilde on October 23rd (Impact)

**NEW** TNA Legends Champion: AJ Styles
– 1 day reign, defeated Booker T on March 15th (Destination X PPV)

Links For Fun And Nonprofit

Harrison (and his MST3K: The Movie references) and James have the weekend news reports.

Clark has The Shimmy.

The Triple Threat talks Destination X, MITB, JBL, and other acronyms.

Rodriguez has For The Record.

Bond has Against The Grain.

Ari has Column of Honor.

And Ford has Contemplating CHIKARA.

And One To Go On

My fiancée will tell you, every Monday morning, I look at the Comments section of my report, and I nearly always say the same thing: “I swear, I have the best readers on the site”. I mean, nearly every other column on 411 gets at least a dozen comments that are either about RVD, how much TNA or WWE suck, or how much the writer sucks and is wrong. But I find that, by and large, even when I put up controversial material like last week’s Samoa Joe editorial, my Comments section is full of thoughtful and insightful comments, even from the people who don’t agree with my opinion. I know I don’t respond to the Comments section as often as other writers, so I just wanted to take a second and let all my readers know that I appreciate all your feedback, and I truly do believe that I have the best and most intelligent readers on 411.

And also the biggest hit count. That’s right, I said it, I’m the franchise and everyone here knows it.

Ahem. Moving on.

411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT.

Remember, if you love poker, and are in the Kitchener-Cambridge-Waterloo area, check out Player’s Poker League.

And for the drunken ramblings of Sean Carless and his merry band of reprobates, check out The Wrestling Fan.

That’s our show, Small is in tomorrow. Here it is, your Moment of Zen.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.