TNA Impact Breakdown 02.25.06

Nobody better lay a finger on my Truth!

This is the Réport!

We have bigger problems than Larry Csonka this week, so he gets another pass. However, there are still some questions the Réport wants answered. Like this: Why does Larry Csonka feel the need to bash Smackdown in Smackdown spoiler reports? I want each and every one of you to e-mail him and ask him to stop. Where’s the fair and balanced journalism, Larry? What have you been smokin’?

And that brings us to tonight’s word, which is…

…smokin’.

Recently, TNA Wrestling’s Jackie Gayda gave an interview where she claimed she was released by the WWE for refusing to pose for Playboy. Now, I have to admit that, while I read the Playboy articles, I’ve never even noticed any pictures. Last month, they had a recipe for gespacho for single men. Two words. De. Licious.

Also in the news, WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler is tearing up the competition on ABC’s hit “Dancing With the Stars.” This could lead to big things for Kiebler as she is no longer dependent on Vince McMahon for a paycheck.

Yes, it seems that no matter where you look, attractive wrestling women are everywhere. Steve Cook has a thing for Tracy Brooks. Larry Csonka’s in love with Trish. Even Jade Cheung gets in on the action with the indy guys.

But everyone seems to have forgotten one of the hottest women involved in wrestling:

Dixie Carter.

What do we know about Miss Carter?

Well, she’s certainly attractive for a wrestling executive. Compare her to her nearest rival – Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Now, I’m not saying Vince McMahon isn’t a hot piece of tail, but Dixie has that je ne sais quoi. Just look at the smooth, delicate skin and full pouty lips masking those beautiful ivory teeth. One can just imagine the sorority pillow fights she was involved in at the Hockaday School for girls. Her green schoolgirl skirt flapping against those toned thighs as she giggled at her friend Muffy’s failed pillow swings.

“But,” you might be saying. “So what? There are a lot of beautiful women in wrestling.”

Well that may be, but are any of them as business savvy as Dixie Carter?

According to the Dallas Morning News, Miss Carter and her father’s company Panda Energy Corp. purchased fledgling TNA Wrestling for a paltry $250,000. That’s the price of a mid-range house here in Colorado.

That’s right TNA, I could have been your owner.

And unlike some other women whose father owns a wrestling company, Dixie is demure enough to know her strengths and limitations. She has taken a very limited role in the creative process and left that to professionals while she focuses on the promotional and business aspects of running a promotion.

So what does Dixie have to offer a swinging single guy? Beauty, brains, money, an obvious taste in music, and the modest charm of a southern belle.

Yes, Dixie Carter is, indeed, the most smokin’ woman in wrestling today.

And that’s the word.

TNA Impact Réport — 2.25.2006

From Orlando, Fla.

Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West.

Monty Brown vs. Dylan Knight.
Exploder. Fallaway Slam. Pounce. Goodbye, Dylan Knight. We hardly knew you. (1:00) Monty gets on the stick and tells Christian that he’s the kind of guy you want to build a company around. Christian Cage answers the call with a trivia question. What’s the capital of Thailand? BANGKOK! And he punches him in the nuts to reinforce the point. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Bet you never saw Trebek do that one! They brawl until Larry Zbyszko and the security crew come down to separate them.

In the back, America’s Most Wanted has words for their opponents tonight and for Team 3-D. Jeff Jarrett and Alex Shelley interrupt and tell them to get ready for a viewing party because Shelley got some footage of the Stinger. He instructs Gail to have Jackie Gayda prepare everything.

AJ Styles vs. Roderick Strong.
Christopher Daniels joins the commentary crew for this match. AJ misses a dropkick but hits Strong coming off the other side. AJ hits him with a backdrop suplex, but Strong picks his ankle and hits a Billy Robinson backbreaker. A chinlock kills some time, but AJ fights back and hits a spinkick. A springboard forearm knocks Strong silly, and AJ counters the backbreaker with a powerbomb. That’s enough to weaken Strong for the STYLES CLASH at 3:22. About as good as you’ll get in 3 1/2 minutes. **

In the back, Gail Kim gives Jackie Gayda her outfit for the night. Jackie isn’t happy as you could probably tell by the Stephanie McMahon snear.

A1 & Bobby Roode (w/Scott D’Amore) vs. The James Gang.
Team Canada jumps them during BG’s pre-match promo because Canada is entirely peopled with criminals. Kip comes back with his Stinger Splash. That *must* mean he’s coming back! Roode clips Kip’s knee, though, and Team Canada goes to work on it. BG gets the hot tag and dominates, but LAX comes down and jacks him with a sockful of pennies. Roode hits a rear clothesline, and Team Canada picks up the win. What’s a gangbanger’s natural enemy, though? Why, it’s a sixty year old man! Bob Armstrong is out! GET OFF MY LAWN! Down goes Machete! Down goes Homicide! Konnan doesn’t even want none of that GERITOL VIOLENCE~! So he ducks out of the ring and retreats. (2:18) Bob Armstrong is so tough he once chewed up a sack full of nails and crapped out the bullet that killed RFK. 1/2*

TNA is very popular overseas. Good for them. HA HA HA! BANGKOK!

Video package for the Ultimate X match at Destination X. Larry Zbyszko promises that it’s not just a way to screw with Samoa Joe.

Samoa Joe vs. Shark Boy.
Sharkie goes right at him, but Joe counters with an atomic drop, a running dropkick and a BIG ASS SENTON! A knee drop to the head sets up a charge, but Joe misses and gets his knee caught in the ropes. Shark Boy pummels him but gets caught with an enzuigiri and the Muscle Buster. That’s enough to set up the Coquina Clutch for the win at 2:24. 1/2*

In the back, Jackie complains about Jeff’s choice of attire for her.

Profile on Ron Killings.

NWA Tag Team Titles: America’s Most Wanted vs. Rhino & Ron Killings.
Storm stomps Killings down in the corner to start, so Killings puts on his hat like Reggie Hammond in “48 Hours” and gives him a missile dropkick. “You know what I am? I’m your worst fuckin’ nightmare. I’m a nigga with a badge, which means I have permission to kick your fuckin’ ass any time I feel like it!” Hey, what ever happened to Nick Nolte? Besides the drugs, I mean. For that matter, what ever happened to Eddie Murphy? Killings gets two off a powerslam before Harris breaks it up. Rhino rushes in and tosses Harris to the floor. Killings comes back with a Flatliner for two, but Harris sneaks in a breaks it up again. Of course, that brings Rhino *back* in, and he and Harris brawl to the entrance ramp. Rhino sets up for the gore, but Abyss sneaks up behind him and belly-to-bellies him through the wall as Rev. Mitchell looks on. That leaves Killings alone to take the Death Sentence at 4:38. **

It’s time for the viewing party. Jackie is dressed like she’s going to bring the guys some gruel and a cup of mead. Perhaps a flagon of ale? Of course, Eric Young refuses to look at her because she’s all busty. And after all that, what do we get. STING IS WALKING! And playing with his kids. Apparently, this is all to convince Butters that Sting isn’t coming back, but he’s still not convinced, so Jarrett sends Shelley back out to get Sting to say he quit. Young is still worried, though.

Final Thoughts: HAHAHAHAH! Bangkok. Outside of Bob Armstrong beating up on whippersnappers, this was a solid show. A pair of average matches, a pair of squashes, and one somewhere in the middle work fine for me. All of the angles at least make sense, even if I’m not excited about anything outside of the Ultimate X. I do question the logic of stalking Sting into getting him to admit he’s retired after he already retired in the ring, but they have to come up with some way to tie this all together. Maybe they’ll be able to turn these negatives into a positive.

J.D. Dunn