411’s TNA Impact Report 09.10.09

Hey yo. You know…Wait, what the hell? We start with action already underway, no video or anything!

Team 3D vs British Invasion vs Beer Money vs Scott Steiner and Booker T

Yeah I’ve been caught completely unawares here. Looks like the Invasion are the only team with 2 guys out there?

Ray hits the flip flop and fly on Magnus, then goes to hit the ropes but Roode tags himself in. Shots to Magnus in the corner, Magnus comes back with a kneelift and tags Steiner. Overhead belly to belly to Roode gets 2. Roode gets an inverted atomic as the countdown starts, ’tis Booker. Roode is beating down Steiner who reverses a whip just in time for Booker to arrive ringside and low-bridge Roode. He beats on Roode outside while Steiner distracts the ref, then tags in. Arm wrench and kick by Booker. OK my bad, Devon is out too. Tag to Williams now and he goes to work on Roode as the countdown starts. Roode gets a back body drop and back suplex as Storm has a football helmet with beer bottles on each side, and thunder sticks. He tags in and they hit the double team suplex. Wait for it…

BEER!
MONEY~!

Storm charges Williams, gets lifted to the apron but hits a kick to the back of the head. Running neckbreaker by Storm and he busts out the Eye of the Storm! Booker comes in illegally and kicks him in the face, Williams rolls over for a 2 count. Steiner tagged in, belly to belly suplex gets 2. Storm escapes out the back of a slam and hits a modified backcracker, then gets the tag to Roode! Clothesline for Magnus! For Williams! Shot to Booker on the apron! Yes, he is a house! En! FUEGO~! He catches a back elbow to a charging Steiner, second-rope Blockbuster! 1…2…the Brits break up the pin. Roode ducks under a double clothesline and Devon is in to clothesline both Brits in the back of the head. Devon gets a leaping clothesline on Steiner and gets 2. This has now broken down with everyone in the ring, it boils down to 3D and Steiner. 3D to Steiner! 1…2…Booker makes the save, Magnus was right there and did nothing. Magnus covers Steiner! 1…2…3!

Winners: The British Invasion via pinfall (Magnus on Steiner, 3D)

The MEM are pissed and they argue as we go to break. Huh, I thought that was under elimination rules.

Back from break, we get the card rundown and now Mr Angle is out. He calls out the Birthday Blueprint Matt Morgan. Morgan comes out and is told that he is all but approved as a Mafia member. Morgan interrupts and guesses that he has to do just one more thing, right Kurt. Kurt says Morgan read his mind, and that brings out Sting and AJ Styles. Sting gets in Angle’s face and says what he thinks Morgan should say. AJ plays the nonchalant straight man enabler, while Morgan is still playing the pseudo mind game. I don’t care, I love this. Angle tells Sting to shut up and calls AJ the quitter. He says Sting doesn’t want to pass him the torch, he wants to burn AJ with it. Angle reckons Sting doesn’t have it any more, he wants to use AJ to go in the back door and steal the title. Sting is like all older wrestlers, he wants one last chance at glory. Kurt says the only difference is that he admits to it, and he’s going to keep the title. Morgan thanks Angle for admitting tha he’s using the Blueprint. What happens IF he keeps the title, what use does he have for Morgan then? Morgan says why wait, why not use him tonight? He wants to be in Kurt’s corner tonight. Man this is so much of a mindfuck that I love it. Everyone knows nobody is buying anything, but how deep does the mindfuck go?

Commercial!

Lauren is with Earl Hebner who is not in a mood to explain his actions last week when disqualifying Hernandez. No trouble to tell why they keep refs off the mic.

Foley is with JB and 2 of his kids apparently. Foley says he is looking forward to the match with Nash next week. Dr Stevie knocks on the door and walks in. Foley brings up their ECW past and Stevie doesn’t want to talk about that. Foley makes the match, Stevie vs Abyss tonight! Holy crap one of those kids is Dewey! Get the cane!

Knockout Tag Team Title Tournament – Zombie Hot Daffney and Alissa Flash vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde

I love Daffney’s music. That is all.

Flash and Wilde Start. I want a Raisha Saeed run in. Wilde tries to get a flying cross armbreaker right away but Flash powers out. Wilde gets a lucha arm drag after tagging in Sarita who comes off the top with an arm drag. Assisted splash by Sarita and Wilde gets 2. Flash holds the ropes to avoid a dropkick and gets a big lariat. Tag to Daffney who drops her head and she whips Flash into Daffney. She tries to crossbody both opponents but they catch her, she still manages to get a DDT on Daffney! Wilde in and hits a STIFF kick to the head of Flash! Sarita picks up Wilde in the back suplex position and helps her kick Flash, then flips her over in a moonsault on to Flash! Nice teamwork, but Sarita is legal and has to make the pin. Daffney breaks the hold anyway. Wilde sends Daffney to the floor where they catfight, in the ring Sarita hits an arm-trap belly to belly! 1…2…3!

Winners: Taylor Wilde and Sarita via pinfall

JB is with EY who looks very smug. He also looks like Kurt. Young says that maybe Kurt gets what he deserves tonight. The World Elite don’t have a plan, they just do the right thing. He then says Angle can come have a chat any time. Commercial!

Lauren is with Suicide. Oh God. He talks about D’Angelo Dinero and says he’ll get him next time Gadget. NEXT TIME.

The Guns are out with their tissue holder, and it’s holding tissues! They reveal what was under the red tarp…an announce table just for them.

Jay Lethal vs D’Angel Dinero

The Guns are on commentary and are being…well, themselves.

They lock up, Dinero controls with a kick but gets taken down with a pair of arm drags. Lethal ducks a clothesline and his a dropkick, sending Dinero to the floor. Tope Suicida by Lethal! Lethal throws Dinero back in and tries a springboard but gets crotched and then clotheslined off the top to the floor! Damn Lethal hit the apron HARD there. On his head, too. Dinero rolls him in and gets 2. Dinero chokes him on the middle rope and then slides between the ropes over Lethal’s neck. He comes back in and gets 2. Dinero goes to the second rope, Lethal gets a boot up. Flying forearm by Lethal, a pair of clotheslines and the handspring back elbow gets 2. hits the arm drag-basement dropkick combo for 2 more, then gets a sunset flip for two. A couple more rollups both get 2. Dinero reverses a whip, charges and catches Lethal’s attempt to kick him, then hits a neckbreaker out of the corner. Down come the kneepads…double knnes to the back! Apparently it’s now the DDE, D’Angelo Dinero Express. It’s all over.

Winner: D’Angelo Dinero via pinfall (DDE)

The MEM are in the World Elite locker room. Angle confronts Young about their agreement, and gives Young an ultimatum. Young says when they made the deal, he said he’d do whatever it takes. Young still wants to be a team though. They shake hands and Angle just got swindled.

The Beautiful People walk!

The Beautiful People vs Madison Rayne and ???

DAT AZZ SQUARED! The Guns are STILL on commentary. Sabin says he’s glad they brought the tissue, because she normally needs one after their entrance. I love you cameraman. Madison has new music and a pretty little baby-doll look. Her partner is…ROXXI! Ohhhh The Beautiful People are PISSED. Roxxi looks a little over-excited to be here.

Rayne and Angelina to start. Roxxi tags herself in, just to make me look bad. Shots by Roxxi and a Samoan drop followed by a back senton gets 2. Whip by Roxxi but she drops her head and pays for it. Tag to Velvet, HOLLA! elbow drop gets 2. Sky stands on Roxxi’s throat and gets 2 more. Roxxi blocks a whip and levels Sky then tags in Rayne. Double back elbow gets a 2 count. Sky reverses a whip and Love drags Rayne down by the hair from the apron. Heel tactics by Love and Sky as Love tags herself in. Tag to Sky who gets a pair of snap mares for a 2 count. Taz says he was looking at the Guns, and Tenay asks why when The Beautiful People are in the ring. Excellent question. Shoulders in the corner by Sky but Madison fights back and tags Roxxi! OK I am not liking that haircut. Shots for Angelina, a clothesline for Sky, big boot for Love and a fallaway slam for Sky! Love catches her with a boot but Roxxi gets a uranage sidewalk slam for 2. Tag to Madison, they go for a double team but Roxxi is tripped and dragged outside! Schoolgirl by Love and she grabs a handful of…skirt! DAT AZZ! 1…2…3!

Winners: The Beautiful People via pinfall (Love on Rayne, schoolgirl)

Deaner is with Foley to talk about the Knockouts title match. Deaner says he has a lot of experience fighting OFF women, but not fighting women. He wants a tuneup match against a knockout tonight. And there’s something in it for Mick too…ratings. He wants to show off his skills, like the donkey punch. HAHA HE MADE AN ADULT JOKE. That’s punching inside the box TNA. He wants to have a Muscle Shoals MamajamAaaaaaaa match – MMA. Mick agrees. Poor Deaner is going to get bitch-killed, you just know it.

Abyss vs Dr Stevie

Mick Foley is out on commentary. Stevie attacks Abyss from behind and stomps him down. In his scrubs Stevie kinda has a Fei Long vibe going. The bell rings as Stevie enters the ring and the ref starts counting Abyss out. Abyss rolls in and Stevie lays more boots to him, but Abyss is Hulking up! Chops by Stevie having no effect, he hits the ropes and Abyss gets a chop of his own! AVALANCHE in the corner. Black Hole Slam, and that’s all she wrote.

Winner: Abyss via pinfall (Black Hole Slam)

Post-match Nash jumps Abyss and Stevie joins in. Foley is pissed! He storms the ring and throws Stevie to the floor. Nash flees, wisely.

The World Elite are out to try and recruit Hernandez again. He repeats the same stuff he’s been saying all along and calls out Hernandez, but instead he gets Hector Guerrero, who says that Hernandez is not coming out. He is pissed off though, and all he wants is to give back to the public. Stop the madness, Eric, there’s too much hate. End it! Eric says he didn’t start it. The people chose to disrespect them and spit on them. If anyone should understand that it’s him.Young says he’s going to confront Hernandez face-to-face tonight.

Tara walks in MMA gear backstage as we go to break!

We get a video clip of the nascent Tara-Kong feud. Awww BOO it IS Tara.

Tara vs Cody Deaner

This is under MMA rules, and the Guns are calling this one. Tara is wearing an Affliction shirt with insulating tape over the logo, and the Guns call her on it. Deaner is out in zubaz pants, a camo wife beater, duct tape and a fanny pack. Yeah.

Deaner does some dancing. Tara tags him with a stiff right as Shelley namedrops Ikuto Hidaka. A flurry of lefts and rights followed by a push kick sends Deaner to the mat! He’s up quickly and Tara takes him back down with a double leg into full guard. Deaner makes the ropes and the ref breaks it. They have rope breaks in MMA? Deaner sets in the Crane but Tara just lays in some outside leg kicks. HEAD KICK and she gets the full mount! Deaner is covering up well as Tara tries to splatter his face. ARMBAR! Deaner gets the ropes again. Tara beats him down in the ropes so the ref pulls her off, Deaner charges her and she ducks causing Deaner to level the ref. BIG right by Tara and she lays in some shots in the corner, but KONG! She hits an avalanche in the corner on Tara. IMPLANT BUSTER~! Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to remind you, as per my contractual obligations, that Kong kills bitches dead. The ref comes around, sees Tara out cold and awards the match to Deaner.

Winner: Cody Deaner via KO (bitch-killing)

Back from break and Lauren says Deaner was lucky to escape alive. He says he beat Tara from pillar to post and knocked her out, just like Mike Tyson, Chuck Norris, Tony Danza and Carrot Top(“And he’s JACKED!” – Deaner). He’s going to be the first Knockout champ in history that doesn’t pop a squat. Wow, that was unnecessary.

We got footage of Rhyno attacking Lashley in a gym.

The Phenomenal Angels vs Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe

Sting is with the faces, who are colour-coordinated tonight. This match, given 20 minutes, could be MOTY. It won’t get them. Morgan comes out to be in the Mafia’s corner, theoretically.

Angle and Daniels to start, and Daniels gets the headlock takedown, Angle gets a headscissors and both men are up. Angle gets control with a kick to the gut but he runs into a high leg lariat. Tag to AJ who gets a scoop slam and a kneedrop for 2. Angle gets control and tags in Joe who walks into a headscissor takedown. Tag to Daniels who gets some chops in the corner, Joe turns that around and hits a violent series of punches in the corner before running into a boot and a Codebreaker. Tag to AJ and they hit a variation of the Total Elimination, only with a clothesline instead of a kick. Taz even namedrops the Eliminators! 2 cou nt only. Joe gets a chop as he stands up, takes AJ to the corner and misses a charge, but then hits the uranage on a charging AJ. Tag to Angle who gets a quick 2 count, then applies a waistlock. AJ breaks the hold but eats an overhead belly to belly. 2 count only. Tag to Joe, they hit a double suplex and Joe knocks Daniels off the apron. AJ tries to fight back but but eats the snap power slam and almost gets locked up into an armbar before making the ropes. More strikes from AJ, Joe tries a Samoan drop but J slips out…PELE! Tag to Daniels! Tag to Angle! Clothesline! Another! A third! He is a house! En! Fuego~! STO! 1…2…no! Whip by Daniels but his charging knee gets turnbuckle only, Angle Slam attempt! Reversed to an armdrag! Flatliner! Koji Clutch! Joe tries to break it with a kneedrop and misses! Enziguiri by Daniels! Tag to AJ, Daniels hits a uranage! Best! Moonsault! Ever! Frog Splash by AJ! 1…2…Samoa Joe breaks it up with a back senton and throws Daniels to the floor before grabbing a chair. Sting is not enamored with that idea and tries to preventthe chair being used. Meanwhile Morgan is inviting Angle to whip Angle into the chair bt AJ reverses! Angle eats steel! Schoolboy! 1…2…3!

Winners: The Phenomenal Angels via pinfall (Morgan chair shot)

Post match, Angle wants Morgan. He slaps him in the face and Morgan hits the Hellevator in response!

We see the World Elite finishing a beatdown of Homicide and takes him to the ring. Young calls out Hernandez or Homicides blood is on his hands. SUPER MEX clears the ring of heels and tosses Bashir onto them, then turns around in time to block a chair shot from EY. He goes to help Homicide but The Elite try to come in again, he cuts them off and gets WAFFLED in the back by Homicide! SWERVE! Big Rob hits a clothesline, the Brits hit the necktie neckbreaker. Bashir hits the WMD and Kiyoshi hits the flying headbutt off the topic. We leave the air with the World Elite standing talll.