411’s WWE Raw Report 11.16.09

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-Tonight Raw heads back to the States and the world’s most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, in the big apple. Tonight we see a huge triple threat tag team main event as Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The Big Show face off with D-Generation X and the all-star team of John Cena and the Undertaker in a Survivor Series main event preview. We’re also hosted by WWE Hall of Famer Rowdy Roddy Piper who always provides entertaining segments, so let’s get to it.

-Live from Madison Square Garden in New York, NY

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-Roddy Piper welcomes us from Piper’s Pit along with actor Luis Guzman. He has a guest for Guzman as he is a chef, and introduces the Iron Chef Bobby Flay. Instead we get the Iron Sheik, who goes on a profanity free Sheik rant on Hulk Hogan. We finish up with a LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS MONDAY NIGHT!

-The set for tonight’s show is more along the lines of the MSG pay per views rather than the standard Raw set.

WWE United States Championship: The Miz © vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
Miz cuts a promo on the Yankees saying they didn’t earn their championship, but rather bought it and that’s why everyone hates New Yorkers and their sports franchises. This is going to turn him face in every other city in the US. He says he didn’t have to buy his US Title, but rather he earned it. He says right now he’s going to prove it, because Roddy Piper is making him defend the title tonight. MVP of course comes out wearing a Yankee hat, and gives it to Sherri Sheppard who is seated in the front row. Miz attacks quickly with a flurry of strikes in the corner before being pulled off by the referee in the corner. Miz misses a charge in the corner, and gets hit with a clothesline from MVP. MVP follows up with a bodyslam and hiptoss causing Miz to bail to the floor. MVP heads outside after him meeting him with a right hand, and throwing him back inside. Miz catches MVP heading back inside with a kick to the knee sending him back to the floor. Miz goes out after him driving the back of MVP’s head into railing, and firing him back inside for the two count. Miz locks in a rear chinlock, but MVP comes out that and delivers a flapjack. Clothesline and back elbow from MVP connects, and he follows with a facebuster. That sets up the ballin’ elbow which connects. MVP goes for the playmaker, but Miz reverses out of it. MVP hits a running big boot for a two count, but Miz comes back with a back elbow. Miz catches MVP in the corner delivering a boot to the gut, and the Skull Crushing Finale finishes at 3:46. Way too short, but very good for the time it got. MVP’s stock continues to crash.
Winner: STILL WWE United States Champion-The Miz (Pinfall-Skull Crushing Finale **1/4)

Chavo Guerrero vs. Santino Marella
Santino keeps up the theme of the night wearing a Rangers jersey to the ring. He takes off the Rangers sweater to reveal an Eli Manning jersey underneath. Next up a Knicks jersey, and then a Mark Sanchez jersey. Next up Santino reveals a Johan Santana jersey, and finally SWERVE a Phillies jersey. The crowd boos that, so last but not least it’s a Yankees jersey. The Islanders are forgotten again. Chavo finally has had enough of these sheannigans, and delivers the three amigos to Santino. Chavo goes to the top rope for the Frog Splash, so Santino rolls across the ring. They repeat that spot two more times, and now here’s Hornswoggle. He distracts Chavo long enough for Santino get a rollup victory at 2:48. I see what they were going for, but it misfired big time.
Winner: Santino Marella (Pinfall-Rollup -**)

-DX are out now, and HHH starts by sucking up to the New Yorkers a little bit. HHH says they wanted to come out and do their normal schtick, but unfortunately it’s not going to happen. Shawn says it’s true, they’re not going to let us know that on wweshop.com their book is available right now. HHH points them in the direction of a Borders book store adjacent to the building. HHH says instead they’re going to talk about the triple threat match this Sunday. HHH says they’ve heard what Cena said about them turning on each other, but it’s not going to happen. HHH says they’re on the same page, and they’re going to work together as a unit. He says it doesn’t matter which one of them it is, as long as the belts are in DX. Shawn says it’s not like they’re going to compete with each other, as they surely will but you can’t tear DX apart. Shawn says he has more important business to attend to, and that’s a member of the Leprechaun community. HHH calls out Hornswoggle, and says this is America and even little people can live their dream. He says if Swoggle comes out now they’ll consider allowing him in DX. Swoggle happily jumps in the ring with them, and crotch chops his way around the ring until HHH orders him to stop. HHH says if he wants to be in DX he has to get in line, and he asks if he’s ready. That leads to the whole “Are You Ready?” spiel from Hunter, but he cuts it short and instead PEDIGREES HORNSWOGGLE. Crowd pleaded with HHH to do it, and then popped anyway which I’m not sure was the desired reaction. Shawn pulls a little stretcher out from under the ring, and carries the little guy away.

-Cool video package on MSG prominently featuring some of the great moments in the arena’s history. No hiding from current TNA stars Hogan, Foley, and Angle either.

-Roddy Piper is still hanging out in Piper’s Pit with the obligatory coconuts, before he is interrupted by Chris Jericho. Jericho starts complaining about the disrespect to him, but Piper just blows his nose in his face and says he’s got something special for Jericho. He finds “Big Chris” (Masters) because he was so impressed by his dancing mobs two weeks. This week Masters does the pec flex to “Boom Boom Boom” by the Black Eyed Peas which impresses the Bellas and disgusts Jericho. This show is absurdly random tonight, but in a really good way thus far.

-“The Greatest Athlete in the World” Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock is out as guest ring announcer next, as this show continues to get more strange

WWE Diva’s Championship Lumberjill Match: Melina © vs. Alicia Fox
The Lumberjills are the other eight competitors in the Survivor Series tag on Sunday. Melina fires Alicia outside, but she gets right back inside to avoid the wrath of the face divas only to get rolled up. Melina gets thrown out next where she is attacked by the heel divas before thrown back inside. Melina comes back hitting a flap jack on Alicia which is followed by a pair of clotheslines. Melina charges into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Alicia which gets two, but Melina is right back with the Last Call which finishes at 1:38. After the match McCool attacks Melina from behind, but the face divas come to the rescue leading to a big pull apart brawl won by the good girls. Complete waste of time.
Winner: STILL WWE Diva’s Champion: Melina (Pinfall-Last Call ¼*)

-Roddy Piper comes out as Michael Cole gets ANOTHER Hulk Hogan mention in. This can’t be by accident. Piper thanks the fans, and says he made his career on not being so nice. He says only New Yorkers would put up with that. He says he didn’t do everything right, and he had some embarrassing moments right here in the ring. Piper says he took on Captain Lou, Bruno Sammartino, Andre The Giant, Hulk Hogan (there’s another one), and he says this is proof that if you mess with Hot Rod you’re either going to be bald or dead. He says he loves them all, but mostly the dead ones. He then claims he’s the reason Hogan has no hair. Piper says he did some unspeakable things, and loved every minute of it, but he has one more dirty deed before he checks out. He wants one more match with Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He says he knows Vince is a big fan of his, because when he did Real Sports with Bryant Gumble Vince fired him right here in this building. He says he knows Vince is back there, and that finally brings out the chairman. Vince exposes Piper’s hair dye, and says he would suggest Piper did some awful things at MSG. He says the most heinous thing he ever did at MSG was show up here tonight. Vince says Mother Nature hasn’t been too kind to Hot Rod, and asks when the last time he had his 100,000 mile checkup was. He says Piper still has the same skinny arms and legs, and his catcher’s mit face. He says if he soiled his hands with Hot Rod his father and grandfather would be ashamed of him. Piper says there are plenty of things for us to be ashamed of Vince namely the suit that Mr. Gotti bought for him. Vince calls Piper “father time” and then says people tell him all the time they wish they could look as good as him when they’re his age. He always responds they don’t look better than him now, and that also applies to all of the superstars he’s stepped in the ring with and beaten. He says unless he finds better competition he is officially retired from ring action. Piper says that’s all the games he’s going to play with him. He calls Vince a coward, and says he’s been in 7,000 car crashes and 30 pro wrestling matches. He then says to reverse it around, and says he’s not sane, he’s been electrocuted, been in plane crashes, and has had cancer. He beat that, and he can beat Vince. He says for Vince to be accountable to the people who made him a billionaire. He says doesn’t want this on pay per view, but instead he wants to do it tonight. He tells Vince he’ll be back out tonight if Vince has the guts he’ll retire him for good. Vince keeps babbling as they go to break, as someone had the sense to cut this off. Piper sounded drunk out there. Not good. Make that 7,001 car crashes.

-Sheamus says he’s been on Raw on for four weeks, and he’s already put one man out of the business. Tonight he’s issuing an open challenge to anyone who has the guts to step in the ring with the Celtic Warrior. No one answers so he attacks the timekeeper randomly, and throws him across the announce table into the guardrail. That leads to what looks like the obligatory Jerry Lawler save, but it appears Sheamus has seen this episode before because he gives Lawler the big boot as soon as he stands up. Cole goes off mic to check on Lawler along with a host of officials and trainers.

-Matt Striker replaces Lawler (best trade up in history) as he “lives in New York City and was hear for the show”

-It should be noted we’re closing in on 90 minutes in and we’ve had 8:12 of wrestling tonight. TNA Impact thinks that’s bad.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Joined in progress out of the break with Bourne locked in a waistlock from Swagger. Bourne back elbows free, but Swagger delivers a clothesline to regain control. Swagger goes for a suplex, but Bourne knees his was into a counter and a rollup for two. Bourne hits a dropkick sending Swagger to the corner, and then delivers the double knee off the top rope for a two count. Bourne goes for a moonsault but gets caught by Swagger who drives him into both turnbuckles. Gutwrench powerbomb finishes for Swagger at 2:00. Much like all the wrestling tonight, far too short.
Winner: Jack Swagger (Pinfall-Gutwrench Powerbomb *1/2)

-Roddy Piper awaits Mr. McMahon in the ring, but instead he is interrupted by Randy Orton. I knew something was missing tonight. Orton says he doesn’t know if McMahon is coming out here or not, but he does know that Piper has a big problem because he is here. Orton says he can’t think of a better way to relieve a little stress than to put him down right now. He attacks Piper with a kick to the gut, but Piper fights back with a cheap shot. That only serves to incense Orton who stomps Piper down. Piper who has apparently not watched much of Orton climbs to his knees, so Orton sets up for the punt. Orton goes to punt Piper, but he has to stop as it appears that the sound guy missed the cue to play Kofi’s music for the save! EPIC TRAINWRECK. Kofi’s music clearly starts AFTER Orton stops charging, and Orton even appears to visibly throw his hands up in the air in disgust as Kofi finally gets to the ring. That leads to a big brawl between Orton and Kingston which Orton gets the best of. Orton decides to set up Kofi for the punt, but Kofi explodes with a flying clothesline to go on the comeback trail. The brawl continues through the crowd, until FINALLY officials are out to break them up. The officials can’t keep them apart though as Kofi chases Orton into the bleachers and dumps him over the railing into the production area. Kofi finally blasts Orton with a steel lid for the technical trunks busting Orton open. Kofi then tries to dive off the railing onto Orton, but officials pull him off. That’s only temporary though as Kofi returns to deliver the boom drop off the guardrail through a production table to Orton. Horrible botch on the Piper Punt aside, everything after Kofi got to the ring was gold. Great segment.

-John Cena says New York is the home of the World’s Most Famous Arena, and continues the bizarreness of the night with an over the top promo even by Cena standards. I can even recap this promo as it was just too ridiculous, and said basically nothing we haven’t heard before.

-Jesse Ventura is the guest host next week for a special 3 hour Thanksgiving special

Triple Threat Tag Team Match: Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. D-Generation X vs. John Cena & The Undertaker
Taker gets the druids for his entrance at 11:03 PM. We’re obviously running long, couldn’t we have cut the druids? By the time Taker actually gets to the ring its 11:06. Are we going to get updates during Robin Hood? Different rules than normal. Three guys are legal, and you can only tag your partner. Cena, Shawn, and Jericho start things off. Cena pushes both men off, and Jericho tags in Show. Shawn tags in HHH, so Cena obliges by tagging in Taker. HHH and Taker stare down, but turn their attention to Big Show and both attack. HHH hits a facebuster, and Taker clotheslines him out to the floor. HHH hits the ropes, but runs into a big boot from Taker who now has control. Taker delivers a series of rights, but runs into a spinebuster from HHH who tags in Shawn. We finally get a look back at their Match of the Year from April, as Taker goes for a tombstone after a skin the cat spot. Show saves with a spear on Taker, and then catches a Sweet Chin Music attempt from Shawn delivering a right hand. Jericho tags into the match and hits a running bulldog on Shawn which he follows with a lionsault attempt. Shawn tries to counter with the knees, but Jericho catches him and puts him in the Walls. Taker goes for the chokeslam, but Cena tags himself in and hits a running bulldog on Jericho. HHH tags in and sends Jericho for the ride running him into a sideslam from Cena. That leads to a staredown between HHH and Cena, and they trade blows before being met by Big Show. Show chokeslams both guys, but here comes Taker who delivers a flying clothesline off the ropes. Taker boots Show to the floor, and they go at it outside with Show whipping Taker into the guardrail. Jericho crawls inside to cover Cena for a two count, and Shawn is the only partner available for tag. He does make the tag, and delivers a flying forearm and inverted atomic drop to Jericho. Bodyslam from Shawn sets up the flying elbow drop, and now he tunes up the band. He goes for it on Cena, but the Champ ducks it and delivers a series of flying shoulderblocks. Protoplex from Cena is followed up by a five knuckle shuffle. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but HHH is able to make the tag and the save. High knee and facebuster from HHH connects on Cena, and he delivers a right hand to Jericho for good measure. HHH hits the spinebuster, and goes for the Pedigree but Show makes the save with a headbutt. Shawn is here to deliver the superkick to Show, but he walks into a codebreaker from Jericho. Here’s Taker now with a chokeslam on Jericho, but he gets clotheslined to the floor by HHH. HHH turns around and there’s Cena who hits the Attitude Adjustment on him picking up the victory at 7:06. After the match Cena’s celebration is cut short by his own partner as Undertaker delivers a tombstone. Let the speculation begin. Did that just set the groundwork for a potential Wrestlemania XXVI main event? Fantastic main event. Probably one of the best seven minute matches you’ll ever see.
Winners: John Cena & The Undertaker (Cena pins HHH ***1/2)

-Very weird show this week. Some of it good, most of it not. Just over 17 minutes of wrestling in a show that was more than 2 hours long is pretty much unacceptable. The incredible main event may have salvaged this from being complete crap though. Piper was maybe the biggest letdown of all the guest hosts thus far.