411’s WWE Raw Report 03.14.05

Welcome, wrestlefans! This is VIOLENT PANDA Peter Kent filling in for Alex Obal this week for the RAW Report. Me and 411 writers Obal, YayoWonder, Matt Sforcina and Matt Nute were playing some Live Dungeons and Dragons and Obal took a wooden axe to the eye from a 5 hit dice ogre. He is recuperating nicely at the rate of 2 hit points per day, so he should be fine by next Monday.

Tonight! Will HHH finally get his job back from Benoit? Signs point to YES! Will Trish continue to rule? Of course! Your EQUATION OF THE WEEK comes courtesy of Matt Hardy. Edge = FECES. Set your mind to: READ.

Jericho’s guest is Randy Orton, who gets booed more and more as the segment goes on. Women cheer him though. Orton talks about how he wants to end the Undertaker’s WrestleMania winning streak, how he beat Foley, basically his usual stuff. Jericho has a special guest – JAKE THE SNAKE! Funny, on Jake’s RFVideo shoot he says he thinks Jericho sucks as a wrestler, calls him JeriBLOW. Jake tries to give Randy some advice about facing the Undertaker at WrestleMania, but Randy isn’t having it. Jake doesn’t like Randy’s disrespect so he goes to get his snake, only to be attacked by the Legend Killer. Crowd with a HUGE “DDT” chant. Jake clotheslines Orton! Sets up for the DDT… Randy counters into the RKO and hits it. Awwww.

Kane vs. Christian & Tyson Tomko: Despite it being two on one, Kane ends up wailing on the heels and taking the win. He even beats them down with a ladder after the match.

Winner: Kane

Backstage, Ric Flair is talking to Snitsky. He wants Snitsky to injure Batista in their match tonight. Snitsky twitches and says when he does injure Batista, it’ll be all..his..fault.

COMMERCIAL-O:

Being the #1 STUNNA means STUNNIN TIL YOU CAN’T STUN NO MORE! Come on now, I need more info on “stunning” if I’m going to do it like The Birdman wants me to.

We’re back:

Lita has Christy backstage, wants Tajiri and Regal to show her some moves… They agree, as long as she’ll sign a playboy for Tajiri. Christy agrees. Regal is holding a big pillow/pad, Tajiri kicks it a few times. Then Christy kicks it a few times, Regal talks shit.. He says her kicks are pathetic. So Christy throws another kick that hits Regal square in the balls. Neat idea.

MARTY JANNETY!~! is backstage with Shawn Michaels! His hair is real short and curly, it’s one of those jewish fros. HBK says they MUST team tonight on Raw! Wow! The Rockers take on La Resistance tonight!

Next: Edge vs. Shelton Benjamin.

COMMERCIAL-O:

Some movie called Sahara? Skip that, go see SIN CITY BAYBEE!

Edge vs. Shelton Benjamin: Edge JUMPS Shelton as he comes down the ramp. “You screwed Matt” chant, hehe. Edge kicks and punches Shelton down the ramp, JR says the match has not officially started. Pretty big “You suck” chant. Edge rolls Shelton in the ring, Edge pounds away on him, ref pulls him off. Ref asks Shelton if he’s OK to start this match. Shelton is all messed up but heroically pulls himself to his feet with the ring ropes and says he’s good to go.

DING DING

Match has officially started. Edge knocks Shelton out of the ring and to the floor. Commercial break?! Yeesh, could we get a WRESTLING MOVE somewhere in these segments?

We’re back, Edge has locked in the tazzmission. We split the screen to watch stuff we just saw last segment. Oh yeah, I forgot about those punches that I saw three minutes ago. Edge sits Shelton on the turnbuckle, wants a superplex. Shelton headbutts him off. Crowd is into this. Shelton with a BIG AIR top rope clothesline, gets two. They trade running strikes, Shelton wins the exchange with a shoulder charge. Both men down. Crowd counts along with the ref… Edge is up at “6!”. Shelton UNLOADS with rights then sends Edge flying with a back body drop. Shelton goes for the BLINGER SPLASH, Edge moves, Shelton lands FEET FIRST on the top rope! He hits a SOARING sunset flip from there, gets two. He follows with a slingshot body press but Edge CONVERTS to a powerslam! BEAUTIFUL STUFF!! Gets two. Crowd is TOTALLY into it. Shelton goes for that leg-catch swinging kick, but.. Esge ducks and it hits the ref. Nice counter sequence ends as Edge hits a SPEAR, would get three but the ref is out. Edge goes out of the ring, gets… a LADDER! Edge is sliding the ladder into the ring, JERICHO runs out and seesaws the ladder into Edge’s face. Edge stumbles right into the T BONE for the 1..2..3.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

Very fun match, real lame beginning though with the punch/punch/zzzz.

Haha they show a clip of the Rockers from ’91 with their MEGA MULLETS and flourescent tassle pants. Hopefully they wear those tights tonight.

The Rockers vs. La Resistance: YES! Jannetty has TASSLES! HBK is in his regularly nancy boy garb. Boy, La Res sure look like gay centerfolds.. Wrestling is 2 GAY! Jannetty puts Grenier through ARMDRAG 101. “MARTY!” chant. Rockers double team, double elbow drop, they both kip up – but HBK doesn’t quite make it up and stumbles. They hit crossbodies to the outside. HBK ends up IN PERIL. La Res with their innovative moveset – Suplex! Clothesline! ELEVATED CLOTHESLINE! An ELBOW! Man, La Res are just re-writing the book on tag team wrestling. HBK with the FORWARD ROLL HOT TAG. Jannety is on fire with some nice dropkicks and a neat faceplant. ROCKER DROPPER! HBK SWEET CHIN MUSIC, Jannety covers for the win.

Winners: The Rockers.

AITCH is backstage. Flair says it’s been one year to the day that Trips tapped out to Benoit… “squealin like a pig, whinin like a baby..” HHH cuts him off, he gets it. He stands there looking off-camera, wishing so hard he could cut a promo like that.

COMMERCIAL-O:

Every man should own at least one suit. You’re gonna like the way you look, I GUARANTEE IT. Men’s Warehouse.

TRISH! Backstage interviewed by Maria. Trish says she ended Lita’s career (really?). She’s not concerned that Lita is training Christy. Trish thinks she should get Hannibal Lecter as her trainer – because Trish is going to eat Christy alive. Trish starts beating up Maria, that should totally be her gimmick. Beating up all those non-wrestling Diva broads. Maria sells the beating like she’s having an orgasm.

Flair is pumping up Snitsky. “Batista’s a BAD BOY – Are you MEAN ENOUGH..to..REALLY.. HURT ‘IM?! LACKADOOOO – NATURE BOY TO SNITSKY!” Gene is staring off camera.. at BIG DAVE BATISTA! Flair says: “You can’t take away HHH’s belt! He is the Franchise! He’s my hero and he could kill superman AND the silver surfer in a handicap match!”. Big Dave just says he’s taking the belt. He looks at Snitsky, who’s breathing heavy…

It’s TIME TO PLAY DEHR GAME – HOO HOO HUH HUH HUH!

Pick Your Poison – HHH vs. Chris Benoit: You can’t pick your friends, you can’t pick your posion, but you can pick your friend’s poison. How ironic.

This is LIVE! NEXT!

COMMERCIAL-O:

FITTY CENT got shot 9 times in Queens. Now he mumbles stuff about thugging and MAKES MONEY.

We’re back. Benoit starts cinching in the crossface early on but HHH is close to the ropes and gets breaks both times. Benoit is just pounding away on AITCH, Trips getting no offense at all. Yes, I smell a Chris job coming…

COMMERCIAL-O:

Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac rip off Meet the Parents?

Cool… Bill Shatner starring in a fake reality show on Spike TV.

We’re back! Benoit chops! WOO! HHH got some offense in over the break – an irish whip into the ring steps. ZZZZ. Benoit makes an irish whip into the buckles look like PURE HELL! HHH covers.. only two. HHHH wants a superplex, Benoit headbutts him off. FLYING HEADBUTT? No, Benoit gets crotched by HHH. Trips hits the SUPERPLEX! 1..2… Only two! Crowd knew it wasn’t over there, announcers tried to sell it like a big nearfall though. “You suck” chant. HHH sets up for the pedigree – Benoit converts to a catapult into the corner. HHH hits the buckle, does a Flair flop. Get your own spots. Chop exchange becomes… ROLLING GERMANS! Crowd counts along with them. He hits three of them. Now.. Benoit hits another, another, ANOTHER! 6 germans! Time now for the FLYING HEADBUTT – HITS IT! 1..2.. only two, crowd was WAY into that nearfall. More germans?! 7! 8! This match is good because HHH can’t drag it down with his HOSSy offense. HHH reverses a whip and Benoit takes the buckles chest-first. Both men down. Benoit is selling big time despite taking almost nothing. HHH is up first? And covers.. gets two. Benoit excapes a pedigree set-up.. INTO THE CROSSFACE! HHH rolls backward, fights out. MORE ROLLING GERMANS! 9! HHH elbows out of what would have been #10. Pedigree? No! BENOIT SHARPSHOOTER! Flair gets on the apron and Benoit releases. Ref kicks Flair out, makes him go to the back. Ref out dealing with Flair, HHH nut shot… Pedigree. Ref slides in and counts 1…2…3. Yes, yon job has been returned. They made Chris look as good as possible. Really fun match but the ending is a downer, very little crowd reaction to it.

Winner: HHH

Smackdown Rebound: Cena saves Eddie from a beating by JBL, and gives Orlando Jordan the F-U.

Later tonight: Snitsky vs. Batista

COMMERCIAL-O:

You know what it means to be the #1 STUNNA? It means you never fold. Man what the fuck does that have to do with wearing sneakers? The only Birdman I officially recognise is the ATTORNEY AT LAW.

When Harry Met Sally parody with Angle & Christy. Angle looks funny with the Billy Crystal wig and beard. Christy fakes the orgasm as Angle describes his entrance.. and the Angle Slam that he could do 4 or 5 times in a row. She’s screaming as he yells “TAP TAP TAAAPPP”!. Linda McMahon: “I’ll have what she’s having.” I have no opinion on that fake commercial.

JR and KEENG drone onnn and onnn about the Wrestlemania card. Basically we just sat through an assload of commercials.

Mohammed Hassan’s music hits and he comes out to the ramp. He makes his cartoonish heel face. “USA” chant, the pandering! THE PANDERING! Hassan says it’s a joke that he is not a part of Wrestlemania. He has not been pinned on Raw. Crowd dusts off the “WHAT?!” chant. Hassan blames the racist nature of everyone in the crowd for this. Hassan says this is not over. I think at Wrestlemania he’s going to hijack a go-cart and drive it INTO THE SIDE OF THE RING OH GOD NOOOOO.

Lita is in the back with Christy. Christy decides to stay and look after Maria. Lita’s leaving. Lita walks down the hall into.. SNITSKY. Gene says when he beats Batista, he’s going to finish what he started with Lita.

Batista vs. Gene Snitsky: AITCH and NAITCH are at ringside. Batista hits a powerslam, then Gene takes over and works on Batista’s legs. Snitsky pumphandle slam gets two. “BATISTA” chant. Batista hits some lariats and a kind of soft spinebuster. DEMON BOMB.. No, Flair runs in and hits a chop block. Ref calls for the bell.

Winner: Batista by DQ

Heel beatdown… Batista suddenly flings the goons aside, HHH bails. Snitsky, Flair and HHH have chairs and re-enter the ring… Here comes Kane down the ramp. Kane attacks Snitsky. Batista spinebusters Flair. Kane chokeslams Snitsky. Batista gives Snitsky the THUMBS DOWN SIT DOWN BATISTA BOMB, as JR calls it. Batista glares at HHH. HHH has the mic. He says he picks Batista’s poison for next week. He says Batista will face.. Kane! Batista and Kane glare at each other. The End.

Overall, if you’re big into WWE this is pretty much a tape-worthy episode. Jake The Snake, Rockers reunion, and two good matches – Edge/Shelton and HHH/Benoit.