411’s WWE Raw Report 08.15.05

BACKGROUND MATERIAL

Csonka has your TNA Sacrifice wrap.

Randle has the Wrestling News Experience.

Ari has your ROH news and results.

Csonka takes up the noble cause of rescuing Velocity. Fried has your report.

Csonka also has Hogan Knows Best (Brian Knobs!) and Experience.

JP Prag defends Goldberg.

Hogan! Angle! How could you possibly miss tonight’s show? Oh, right, football. Let’s do this!

411’s WWE RAW REPORT 08.15.05

We’re live from Montrйal, Quйbec, and we open cold with Shawn Michaels walking out in a suit to a fairly healthy round of boos. He’s got the smirk going. Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler & Jonathan Coachman are your hosts, and there are a million Hogan signs in the crowd.

“Who’s your daddy, Montrйal?”

[“You screwed Bret!”]

“Well, since all of you have been so respectful to me, I would like to return in kind. Mee-mee-mee-bee O Canada” [BOOS!] “How I hate this place / O Canada / I’m gonna kick Hulk Hogan right in the face. Alright, I’ll admit, I’ll admit, I’m no singer –” [“HOGAN!”] “– but what I am is the showstopper, the headliner, the main event, the i-con of the WWE, yours truly, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.” [BOO!] “Hulk Hogan, at Summerslam, I promise, no better yet, I guarantee” — [“You screwed Bret!” / “Asshole!”] — “I guarantee, Hulk Hogan, at Summerslam, I will give you and the WWE fans something to remember. And of course, all of you here in Montrйal know that I am all about –” [“Asshole!”] –“You know I’m all about giving you memories. Survivor Series, 1997.” [BOO!] “I handed Canada’s own Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart” [BOO!] “his most miserable defeat.” [“WE WANT BRET!”] “You want Bret?” [“YES!”] “You’re not gonna get Bret, because I screwed Bret. I did it once, and I’d do it again.” [BOO!] “If Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart had any guts, and he’d walk down that aisle tonight, step into this ring, and look me eye-to-eye like a man, I’d say, ‘Hitman, I screwed ya once, and I’ll screw you again.’ Because Bret ‘the–‘”

BRET HART‘s music hits! Shawn does the I-seen-a-ghost face. Nobody emerges from the back, though, and Shawn starts dancing in the ring. Hey! He was just yanking our chain. What a douche. [BOO!] “Got your hopes up just a little bit, didn’t I?” [JR: “Damn him!”] “You will never, and I mean ever, hear or see Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart inside a WWE Ring again. Hulk Hogan, I did it to Bret Hart, and at Summerslam, I’m gonna do it to you. You see, what all these Montrйal Canadiens despise about the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels, is that I’m everything they wish they could be. I come out here with my live microphone, and I do what I want, when I want to do it. Let’s face it, Hulk Hogan: It’s the same thing that you don’t like about me. I’m unlike everybody you’ve ever had to deal with. Oh, at Summerslam, brother, whatchagonnado, brother, whatchagonnado, brother –“

Hulk Hogan‘s music hits again… and he gets an enormous pop. But wait! Hulk’s not there, either. Shawn was just pulling our leg again. Shawn: “Oh my. Now. Now. C’mon, now, the first time, sure, maybe I’m cruel. The second time, all you do is show the entire world that Montrйal is everything I ever said it was. You Canucks are not the sharpest knives in the drawer.” [“We want Bret!”] “You don’t like me very much, do ya? I know, I know, nothing would thrill you more than to have one of your heroes like Bret the Hitman Hart or Hulk Hogan come down that aisle and just give me, aw, just give me what for. Well guess what? It isn’t gonna happen. And I’ll tell ya why. One, nobody in this industry can touch me. And two, your heroes like Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart and Hulk Hogan, they’re not even here yet. They’re such big WWE superstars that their limos don’t bring them to the show until it’s already in progress.” [LOUD Goodbye Song from the Montrйal faithful.] Shawn sits down in the ring and adjusts his tie, waiting for the crowd to quiet down. He removes the tie.

“Now that you understand who’s running this show, I’ll continue. Hulk Hogan, the second thing I despise about you is what I despise about Bret Hart. You stood for some moral fiber that in your real life did not exist. Yet you stood in judgement of me. And you, Hulk Hogan, well, you’d stand for just about anything. There isn’t a realistic bone in your body. Hulk Hogan, you’re the biggest star in WWE history. And at Summerslam, I want you to bring your big star, I want you to bring your boa, I want you to have your sunglasses on, and your chin held high. [“Shut the fuck up!”] “Nice language. Do you teach your children the same talk? You do. Yet every one of you Montrйal Canadien men do nothing but stand there and talk it while I walk it.” Shawn removes his shirt and mocks the crowd yapping. “Hulk Hogan, at Summerslam, you’re one move from your star being snuffed out. You don’t believe me? Just ask Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart.”

Shawn leaves the ring and heads up the ramp. Play Shawn’s music! This was an awesome promo, and Shawn played off the crowd perfectly.

Promised for Tonight:
– Hulk Hogan vs Kurt Angle
– John Cena vs Chris Jericho & Carlito

Ad Break.

Match #1: The Heart Throbs (no entrance) vs The Big Show

Big Show gets a huge pop. He loves it. This crowd is ELECTRIC! Is this Referee Chris Kay‘s Raw debut? Romeo starts to start. He backs off, then walks up to Show, who overpowers him. Antonio tries the same thing, and it doesn’t work. So the Throbs stalk Show and attack at the same time, but they just run into each other with a double noggin knocker. Show shoves Romeo away. Antonio charges with a forearm to the head. No sale, and he walks into a hard slap to the chest, and he does the comic sell. Same thing for Romeo. Show gets Antonio in the corner, shushes the crowd, and then NAILS him with the slap to the chest to a loud pop. Same deal for Romeo. Show gets a military press to Romeo, but Antonio chop blocks him, and Romeo dropkicks the knee. Romeo kicks the knee in the corner, but Show shoves him away. Antonio tries the same trick, and Romeo comes from behind to blatantly rake the eyes. Kay dutifully counts to five, and Romeo lets go at four. Romeo wrenches one leg around the second rope as Antonio keeps the pounding coming. But Show knocks Romeo out of the ring. Antonio walks into a boot. Romeo heads in and gets slammed. Show clotheslines Antonio. He headbutts Romeo into the corner, whips Antonio nito him, and avalanches both. Then he hits both with a double backdrop. Goozle pose! Crowd is LOVING Show. Both Throbs walk into the GOOZLE — DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! It gets three.

Winner: The Big Show via pinfall (3:31)

Show heads up the ramp and we go straight to an…

Ad Break.

Eugene Dinsmore & Christy Hemme are here for the Eugene invitational. “Che – che – J’aime beau – beau – j’aime beaucoup MONTREAL!” MASSIVE pop. “Yes this third ever Eugene invitational Gold Medal Invitational! The hometown hero speaks he talks French better than me COME ON DOWN!”

RENE DUPREE! Isn’t he from Paris now? He still has the ridiculous facial hair and the awesome robe.

Match #2: Eugene Dinsmore (w/ Christy Hemme) vs Renй Duprйe
Eugene Gold Medal Invitational

Kurt Angle runs in and attacks Renй before the match.

No Contest (0:09)

Angle beats on Eugene in the ring. OLYMPIC SLAM! JR even calls it that. Huzzah. Angle gets the mic, and he’s pissed. “You think it’s funny, huh? A special person running around with my Olympic gold medal. The very same gold medal I won with a broken damn neck. You think it’s funny, Eugene, huh? You and all these idiots here in Montrйal. My whole life’s work, this is one big joke, isn’t it? Let me tell you something, Eugene. The joke is over. Because tonight, I’m gonna take your hero Hulk Hogan and I’m gonna kick his ass.”

Angle pulls Eugene’s hair and screams at him that he wants him to see that Angle “You’ll see why I am the most vicious sonofabitch in the WWE.” Angle is awesome. Angle walks up the ramp, and Eugene’s confused as Referee Jack Doan attends to him.

Speaking of bullying, last week, Chad Patton was forced to wrestle Chris Jericho by Eric Bischoff. He lost. John Cena saved him from the post-match beatdown.

Ad Break.

The diva search finale will come in two instalments. The prospective divas are greeted by Coach at the top of the ramp. They have all shown that they deserve to be here. Coach runs down what each of them has done to make it this far. Coach masters the swerve, lowering the microphone four times before eliminating Elisabeth. Shockingly, we’re down to Ashley and Leyla. You can still vote if you’re so inclined.

JR & King introduce a really good video package, even by WWE standards, of the Edge/Matt feud. They call it a love story gone horribly wrong.

Eric Bischoff tells Chris Jericho that Summerslam is going to be great, and it’s going to be evern greater when Jericho beats Cena. Carlito is there, too. Jericho tells him that they have to beat down Cena real good tonight. Bischoff’s one step ahead: he’s got a plan to get Cena booed out of the building. Tonight, he’s going to walk out with Carlito and Jericho for their handicap match, and they’re gonna be… CANADIAN! Jericho’s from Western Canada, and Carlito’s from “Southern” Canada, so they agree with the plan. Jericho calls him “Carlito Canadian Cool.” Bischoff wraps them in the flag, and Carlito takes a bite of his apple and says, “That’s cool, eh?” BIG pop for that, and I know they had the best intentions possible for this segment and it was really good but it might just backfire…

Ad Break.

Get it poppin’ at Summerslam this Sunday

Eric Bischoff walks out, waving the flag, and his charges walk out for our first-hour main event.

Match #3: Chris Jericho & Carlito Canadian Cool (w/ Eric Bischoff) vs John Cena

Cena and Hulk Hogan will present at the “Teen Choice Awards” tomorrow. Cena still gets the monster pop, so forget my little worried comment at the end of the last segment. Jericho starts, but Cena stalks him, so he tags Carlito in. [Sign: Carlito is God] They lock up. Cena gets a headlock. Carlito fights it. [“Cena!”] Carlito sends Cena into the ropes, but he eats a shoulderblock. Cena rakes the eyes and gets a punch against the ropes. Lots of signs for Carlito tonight. Cena beats on Angle with kicks in the corner. Jericho tries to sneak in with an attack, intercepted by Referee Jack Doan, but Cena stupidly attacks him anyway, and Carlito gets the edge back. Cena punches, but Carlito uses the kneelift. Carlito gets a whip. Cena ducks a clothesline and gets a flying forearm. Cena gets a whip and a backdrop. Then he hiptosses Jericho in. Why? Carlito starts to bail. Cena clotheslines both heels. He clotheslines Jericho out, and Carlito gets dumped as well. Bischoff helps his guys recover from the outside as Cena poses from the turnbuckle. And that means… Ad Break! (2:22)

Ad Break ends (5:27)

During the break, Bischoff pulled Cena out of the ring after Cena slammed Jericho. Jericho took advantage with a baseball slide and battered Cena on the outside. Jericho then held Cena in place for a shot from Bischoff. We’re back, and Jericho is legao. He’s distracting Doan while Carlito chokes Cena. Jericho gets a bodyslam and hits a running elbowdrop. Jericho goes to the mounted punches and slams Cena’s head into the mat repeatedly. He stands on the throat and tags in Carlito. Carlito gets a kick, a forearm to the back, and some mounted punches from the back. Carlito tries a suplex, but Cena reverses and gets a vertical suplex of his own. Carlito struggles to Jericho and tags him in. Jericho chokes Cena on the second rope for a cout of four. Then he does his happy dance and hits Rodeo of TEXAS (the running choke onto the second rope.) Cena fights back with punches. Jericho counters with chops, and it’s a slugfest. Jericho rakes the eyes, and Cena bails to the corner. Jericho gets a whip into the corner and a clothesline. Jericho drags Cena over to the heel corner and tags in Carlito. Carlito unleashes a vicious series of stomps. Carlito softens Cena up and hits his neckbreaker as Jericho applauds. Carlito doesn’t cover. Instead he goes to mounted punches. Then he covers, for TWO. He covers again, for TWO. I love Montrйal. Carlito gets a chinlock. Cena fights back with a kneelift. He runs the ropes… right into a spinebuster. Carlito covers again? It gets TWO. Jericho tags in and heads up as Cena regains his feet. Jericho gets a flying missile dropkick as Bischoff waves the flag to the fans and Jericho covers for TWO. Jericho stands on Cena, choking him on the bottom rope. Then he does it again. Jericho distracts Doan, and Carlito spits the apple in Cena’s face as his throat is hanging on the bottom rope! Then Carlito distracts Doan, allowing Jericho to stand on Cena and let Bischoff get his slaps in. Jericho wins a slugfest with another rake of the eyes and tags in Carlito. Carlito hits the DDT! He covers… for TWO. Carlito tags in Jericho. JR smartly puts over the pressure the referee’s under right now. Jericho trash-talks Cena in the corner as Bischoff helps Carlito wipe his ass with the Canadian flag. Jericho whips Cena into the corner, but he walks into a boot. But wait… Y2J STINGER! Jericho tries the Walls… but Cena blocks it and kicks Jericho back into Carlito, knocking Carlito off the apron. And Doan smartly notes that that constitutes a legal tag. [“Cena!”] Both heels hit the ring, and Cena floors both heels with clotheslines! Hiptoss to Carlito. Protobomb to Carlito. He lines up the five-knuckle shuffle. Jericho runs in, but Cena dodges his attack and lines up the FU. Carlito breaks it up, and Jericho rolls away and out of the ring. Carlito walks into an FU! Jericho is no help as Doan counts the three.

Winner: John Cena via pinfall (14:43)

Post-match, Jericho DRILLS Cena with a chair, and JR speculates that Cena might have been concussed.

Y’know, if I’m Jericho, I don’t attack, to avoid the Curse of the Hard-Sell Raw. If his opponent gets the last word in before the PPV, that means Jericho wins. Doesn’t anybody KNOW that?

Ad Break.

Jonathan Coachman is in the ring, and he welcomes Ashley & Leyla, the prospective divas. This is our last chance for people to vote. Coach introduces a video recap of the diva search.

Coach compares this comparison to WWE: you never know what’s gonna happen, and ultimately, it’s all about the fans. Ha! Ha! Coach: “To the Titantron!” We get a drumroll, and it’s a picture of Ashley. They hug. Ashley celebrates in the ring and accepts the oversized cheque and contract. “Oh my God! Thank you so much, you guys rule! You guys rule! I owe you so big. Thank you! Thank you to all of you.”

Coach asks what’s next for her. “I’m going to Summerslam, baby!”

I guess this confirms the winning diva search strategy, in case they do it yet again next year.

Ad Break.

Match #4: Edge (w/ Lita) vs Val Venis

Edge attacks before the bell and brutalizes Val in the corner with stomps. Then he blatantly chokes him on the bottom turnbuckle as Lita taunts Val. Val gets a clothesline out of there, and another, and throws some lefts and chops against the ropes, followed by a Russian leg sweep. Val grinds over Edge as Edge looks confused. Val throws some mounted punches. They head outside, and Val unloads two chops on the ramp. But Edge reverses a whip into the ring apron, and Edge gets the momentum back. Edge gets a whip into the corner. [“Slut!”] Val flops. Edge gets a whip and a backdrop. Edge mocks the V-1 thing and gets a kneedrop into a bow and arrow. Edge uses some choking, followed by a suplex. Edge goes to some choking. Val tries a back suplex, but Edge blocks and gets the Edge-O-Matic. Edge gets Val into the corner… but runs into a knee! “Vigilant” Mike Chioda ensures that it wasn’t a low blow. Edge runs the ropes… SPEAR! Edge stands over Val and ponders what to do next. He heads to the legs and teases the Sharpshooter, which draws big boos. But he gets the Edgucator instead, and Val fights it for a while before tapping out.

Backstage, Rob Conway walks in on Stacy Keibler preparing for a match, and walks between her and the mirror. He finds out that she already has a man — The Hurricane — whom Conway calls a green-haired freak. Hurricane tells Conway chicks dig superheroes, not super… zeroes. Snap. Off they go. Conway mentions the zero body fat thing a few seconds too late. I guess we have a match!

Ad Break.

Match #5: Rob Conway vs The Hurricane (w/ Stacy Keibler)

Conway attacks before the bell and unloads the rights. He gets a back suplex and quickly covers by the ropes… for two. Conway goes straight to a particularly intense chinlock. Conway gets a whip, but Hurricane gets a running schoolboy for two. Conway gets a dropkick and slaps Hurricane’s head just because. Conway whips Hurricane into the corner, then boots him out of the ring. Stacy looks over Hurricane. Conway shoos her away and then uses a shoulder thrust to drive Hurricane into the security wall. Hurricane gets a running jumping swinging neckbreaker. It gets two. He covers again for two. And again for TWO. There we go. Conway gets some mounted punches. He asks the crowd who the man is, then uses an over-the-shoulder chinlock. Hurricane escapes and initiates a slugfest, but Conway kicks him. He runs into a hiptoss and a dropkick, though, and Hurricane’s rolling. Whip… backdrop! Hurricane gets a rnuning clothesline and slaps his knee to remind Conway to duck signal the Shining Wizard. Ducked! Conway hits the EGO TRIP(?) and heads up top. FLYING ELBOW! One… two… three!

Winner: Rob Conway via pinfall (4:05)

And he did it the Con-Way. He heads up the ramp.

Ad Break.

Summerslam Card
– Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio (“Custody of Dominick Ladder Match”)
– Orlando Jordan vs Chris Benoit (United States Championship)
– Undertaker vs Randy Orton
– Batista vs John Bradshaw Layfield (World Heavyweight Championship)
– John Cena vs Chris Jericho (WWE Championship)
– Edge vs Matt Hardy
– Eugene Dinsmore vs Kurt Angle (no time limit, for Angle’s gold medal)
– Hulk Hogan vs Shawn Michaels

Kurt Angle is here! [“YOU SUCK!”] Hogan! Angle! Next!

Ad Break.

Match #6: Kurt Angle vs Hulk Hogan

Hulk gets a RIDICULOUS, GODLY pop, and the crowd eats up the pre-match posedown. Some guy’s got a Hollywood Hogan tattoo. That’s cool. The crowd LOVES Hulk. Angle’s mannerisms on the outside during all of this are awesome. [Sign: Sportscentre is next – YES!] Angle attacks before the bell, but Hogan intercepts him, beats on him with rights, backs him in the corner, puts the shades and the bandana on him… WINDMILL PUNCH! Angle bails to the outside, so Hogan follows him out. Hogan gets a whip into the ringpost. Hogan heads in to break the count. Hogan puts Angle headfirst into the steel ringsteps. Hogan continues to beat on Angle on the outside and whips him into the ringpost. Hogan breaks “Vigilant” Mike Chioda‘s count again. Crowd keeps chanting for the Hulkster. But back in, Angle intercepts Hogan and stomps away. Chioda pleads with Angle to ease up. Angle sends Hogan headfirst into the corner, and it’s sold, so Angle interprets that as a good sign and unloads the rights. Those get sold too, so Angle knows he’s not Hulking up and uses the Lesnar shoulder thrust. Back suplex! Hogan staggers back to his feet, so Angle chokes him on the second rope. Angle gets some punches to the back of the head in the corner. Snapmare, and Angle gets a chinlock. Hulk is in trouble. Chioda raises the arm twice but not thrice, and Hogan gets to his fet! He elbows out. Whip… Hulk gets a sleeper! Angle reverses to back suplex #2. Angle covers for TWO. Angle stalks Hogan and jumps to indicate that he means it. OLYMPIC SLAM! One… two… NO! HE’S HULKING UP! Angle removes the straps. The punches do nothing — Hogan points — YOU! Right! Right! Right! Whip… BOOT! Hogan asks the crowd whether to do the legdrop. He takes about 30 seconds cupping his ear. Runs the ropes… Shawn Michaels intercepts him before we can see what would have happened.

Winner: Hulk Hogan via disqualification (6:08)

Shawn clotheslines Hulk, kips up, and tunes up the band out of the corner… but stops short of the superkick. Double-leg takedown — oh no. SHARPSHOOTER! Ha. Ha. Chioda pleads with Michaels to break it, but he won’t let go. Shawn taunts the crowd. [“We want Bret!”]

No Bret.

And we’re out. Enjoy Summerslam and I’ll see you next week.