411’s WWE Smackdown Report 08.18.05

That’s right, I’m back. It’s your party host, Stephen Randle, and not satisfied with just watching this week’s Smackdown live, and providing 411 with the spoilers, I also had to horn in and do the show recap for all of you as well. Don’t you feel lucky.

A reminder, this job of 411 Smackdown recapper could be yours if the price is right, and also if you send your submissions to Larry Csonka as soon as possible. Just a couple guidelines, as always, this is the play-by-play report, not a rant style recap. Therefore, you’ll be expected to provide as much information as possible about the matches, promos, and backstage segments. But feel free to add your own personal touches as well. Also, we want someone reliable, not someone who thinks this might be a cool thing to do, then gets bored two months later. That aside, it’s 7 pm EDT (God bless The Score in Canada), so let’s start the show.

The Score would like to remind you that the following program contains material that may be unsuitable for some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

We are live on tape from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, just a stone’s throw away from my current location.
Your hosts, as usual, are “The Voice of Smackdown” Michael Cole and Tazz.

Your opening recap video for the week is Chapter 3 of Eddie’s Bedtime Story, where Dominick is taken away by Child Services until Eddie and Rey can solve their differences.

Roll the opening montage. Animal’s in it, as is the now LOD-ized version of Heidenreich, so don’t expect them to go anywhere soon.

Your main event tonight is Chris Benoit vs Randy Orton, in a rematch from last year’s Summerslam, but first, Eddie’s on his way to the ring.

And we’ve got a ladder set up in the ring, as it’s time for another Eddie Guerrero “spotlight promo”. Last week, Rey called Eddie out in front of his son, and challenged him for custody, and then had the audacity to call Eddie a chicken(censored to protect the children). Well, Eddie says there’s only one way to settle this, and that has to be a ladder match. Fortunately, Teddy Long already made it one last week sometime, according to WWE.com. Eddie is supremely confident that the one to pull down Dominick’s custody papers is himself, because he loves his son. He’s lived with the truth all his life, but Rey has spent Dominick’s entire life lying to him, denying him the privilege of being a Guerrero. In life, the truth always comes out, and it always prevails over lies, and Eddie is going to climb the ladder, not to hurt Rey or get revenge, but for every father who loves their son. For his father Gory, for his brothers, and for his son Dominick Guerrero, who will be the greatest Guerrero of all. Eddie climbs atop the ladder during this part of the speech, and perches on top. Eddie encourages Dominick to smile and not be scared, because this Sunday, he’ll be coming home with Papi. Cole and Tazz question Eddie’s honesty. But…Eddie wouldn’t lie to us, would he?

Coming up next, Booker T and Sharmell face Joey Mercury and Melina.

– Commercials –

Jillian Hall does the intro for MNM, while Cole and Tazz make jokes about her mole. Apparently Melina is now the most dominant female in WWE history. Ooh, Steph’s not going to be pleased about that.

Booker T and Sharmell vs Joey Mercury and Melina (w/Jillian Hall and Johnny Nitro)

Booker and Mercury start, and we’re under the “men fight men, and women fight women” rules tonight. Lockup, and Booker gets a quick shoulderblock, then a hiptoss, and chops Mercury down for good measure. Powerslam and a kneedrop by Booker, but Mercury elbows out of a Bookend. Booker settles for a straight kick instead, and Mercury tags Melina. So Sharmell comes in, and the women fight over a lockup. Sharmell gets backed intoa corner, but reverses a whip, then slams Melina headfirst into the buckle. Another hard whip into the opposite corner, and more head meets turnbuckle. Sharmell grabs a wristlock, but Melina kicks her to break and tags Mercury. Sharmell rakes his eyes and tags booker, who ducks a couple haymakers and pokes Mercury in the eyes. Booker chops away at Mercury, then hits the Harlem Sidekick for two. Clothesline by Mercury turns the tide, and a deliberate neckbreaker leads to a chinlock. Booker fights out, but Mercury elbows him in the face to stop that. Another neckbreaker try is blocked, and Booker hits a flapjack and several clotheslines. Scissors Kick, and Booker gets a Spinarooni, but rather than, you know, cover Mercury and win, he forces Mercury to tag Melina, then drags her over to Sharmell and tags her in. Clothesline by Sharmell gets two. Melina gets a reverse elbow, but Sharmell maintains control with a bodypress for two. Sharmell telegraphs a back body drop, and Melina starts choking her in the centre of the ring. Melina starts clobbering Sharmell with axehandles to the back, then ties her up in the ropes and applies a bodyscissors. That was unique. Melina blocks a tag attempt, but turns to mock Booker, and Sharmell goes low. Sharmell…um…kind of piefaces Melina down, but Mercury breaks up the pin, and Booker comes in and cleans house. Booker heads out after Mercury and Nitro, while in the ring, Jillian trips Sharmell coming off the ropes, and Melina gets the pin, using the ropes, while Mercury prevents Booker from making the save.

Winners: Mercury and Melina by rope-assisted pinfall at 9:34

– Commercials –

It’s a recap of the finish of the match that just ended. I just told you what happened! It’s written five lines above this!

Backstage, Sharmell is visibly frustrated, because Booker apparently didn’t have her back last match. She supports him 24/7, but when she gets her butt kicked, he’s nowhere to be found. Booker tries to explain, but Sharmell continues to berate him, telling him he needs to step up, and fast, because she’s sick of this mess.

Further backstage, Chris Benoit is warming up, and Orlando Jordan stops by and attempts to impress upon Benoit the nature of his quick hands, feet, and other attributes, in regards to their United States title rematch at SummerSlam. Jordan even offers up a demonstration. Ali he ain’t. Benoit laughs, then tells Jordan that he’s going to tap out at SummerSlam. Jordan appears intimidated.

Even further backstage, Animal pumps Heidenreich up, and says it’s gut check time. Animal tells him he’s just like Hawk, because he’s got heart, and that’s why they’re tag champs. He asks Heidenreich if he’s ready for the final step of being part of LOD, then presents him with his own pair of spiked shoulderpads.

– Commercials –

Candice Michelle comes out does the intro for the new Legion of Doom. Cole and Tazz suggest she become the permanent ring announcer. God forbid.

Legion of Doom vs two jobbers

Candice did mention their names, but she was so quiet and sort of slurred her words, so I couldn’t make them out.

LOD attacks before the bell rings, and Heidenreich flattens one jobber with a clothesline, then a powerslam. He orders Jobber A to tag, then forces him over to the corner, and brings in his partner the hard way. Heidenreich with a lifting chokehold, then slams Jobber B down. Tag to Animal, who hits a big boot. Heidenreich tags back in, and they whip Jobber B into the corner hard. Then they whip him across the ring, and take turns hitting charging clotheslines. Powerslam by Animal as Heidenreich deals with Jobber A, and the Doomsday Device finishes.

Winners: Legion of Doom by Doomsday Device at 2:06

Backstage, this is Funaki, with JBL. We get a recap of JBL attacking Batista with a chair during his match against Christian. JBL reuses his line about Batista having a million dollar body and a nickel brain, then guarantees victory. Because the last time he fought a no-rules match for a title turned out so well, but we’ll gloss over that, because he does the same. Then JBL decides he might like to have a No Holds Barred match with Funaki tonight. Well, that’s just not fair.

– Commercials –

Backstage, Orlando Jordan accompanies JBL to his limo to head to the ring.

Further backstage, Steve Romero interviews Randy Orton. Orton doesn’t see the point of fighting Benoit, since a year ago he beat him to win the World title, because it was his destiny. I assume that losing the title a month later and completely blowing his push was also part of that destiny. And now his destiny is to destroy the Undertaker’s legacy. Of course, that was his destiny at WrestleMania 21, and I seem to recal that he lost. You can’t stop the destiny of Randy Orton. Unless you do. Then you can.

JBL (w/Orlando Jordan) vs Funaki – No Holds Barred

JBL backs Funaki into the corner and begins clubbing him down. That goes on for a bit, then JBL hits Funaki with a short-arm clothesline, and drops three eblows. Last Call by JBL, and he pulls Funaki to the outside and slams his head into the steps. JBL steals the timekeeper’s belt and starts whipping Funaki repeatedly. This also goes on for a bit. JBL slams Funaki’s head into the announce table, then bodyslams him onto it and chokes him with a camera wire. JBL drags Funaki up and clotheslines him on the floor, then drops another elbow. Funaki gets whipped into the steps, and JBL starts taunting him, then tosses him back in the ring. JBL goes for a chair, and clobbers Funaki with it, but here comes Batista. He ducks a chairshot and JBL takes a spinebuster. Batista grabs the chair and hits JBL across the back. JBL rolls out the ring and up the rampway, and we’ve got a no-contest.

Winner: No Contest at roughly 5:00 (no bell)

Batista grabs a mic and guarantees that his million dollar body and five cent brain are going to kick JBL’s ass. Dude, you just totally burned yourself.

– Commercials –

Rey Mysterio vs Simon Dean

Simon cuts a promo on the way to the ring, where he offers Rey half off his patented Simon System family pack, due to the shrinking number of people in Rey’s family.

Rey attacks and hits consecutive dropkicks, then mounts Dean in the corner and swings away, going well past ten. The ref pulls him away, and on return, Dean gets a get for the advantage. Rey tries for his fancy bulldog, but Dean slams him face-first into the turnbuckle. Dean drops some elbows, and a backbreaker gets two. Dean continues to hit Rey with punches and knees, and applies a Torture Rack while choking Rey with his own arm. Rey escapes and hits a springboard crossbody for two. Rey dropkicks Dean’s knee and drops a leg. Dean makes a comeback, but Rey armdrags him into the 619, and Drops the Dime for the victory.

Winner: Rey Mysterio by Dropping the Dime at 3:50

Raw Rebound, as Shawn Michaels pisses off Montreal multiple times. All references to Bret Hart, however, are absent, choosing to focus on Hogan instead. Probably a good idea, since he’s actually fighting Hogan on Sunday. Also, we see the end of Hogan-Angle, and Jerry Lawler should NOT be marking out for the Hogan finishing sequence. This is the one wrestler that needs a heel commentator mocking him while he wrestles.

Up next, it’s the Peep Show, with no announced guest.

– Commercials –

And like I said, it’s time for the Peep Show. Christian is out, and that is NOT crowd sweetening you hear. When they love ya, they really love ya, sez Captain Charisma, and this week, it’s the biggest Peep Show ever, as he interviews a huge, huge Superstar, the man that last week, beat Batista’s (won’t somebody think of the children?) and came out unscathed, the hometown hero, Christian.

The Mexicools’ music hits, and they ride out on their mowers. They enter the ring and start messing with the set as Christian goes ballistic. This continues to loud “Christian” chants, as Super Crazy destroys Christian’s inflatable chair. Christian asks how you say “(please, think of the children!) beating” in Mexican, and gets swarmed by the Mexicools. He fights back in vain, but gets destroyed. I wish I could say I was shocked, but like I said on Tuesday night, why, yes, we ARE in Christian’s hometown, why did you ask? Super Crazy hits a moonsault, Psicosis a top-rope legdrop, and Juventud finishes with a splash off the couch. Remember, they’re not Mexicans, they’re Mexicools. On a side note, this seriously killed the live crowd on Tuesday, who spent most of the previous commercial break chanting “We Want Christian”. Good job, WWE.

– Commercials –

Backstage, Josh Matthews asks Rey if he saw Eddie Guerrero when he beat down Simon Dean. Rey says no, he doesn’t see Eddie, but he feels his presence everywhere, because he can’t be with his son. Everything that has happened is Eddie’s fault, and he may be Dominick’s biological father, but Rey is his family, they raised Dominick, and after Sunday, he will be coming home with his real father, and that’s Rey.

Time for the final SummerSlam rundown, and here’s the matches you’ll see this Sunday:

Rey Mysterio vs Eddie Guerrero – Ladder Match for Custody of Dominick
The Undertaker vs Randy Orton
Chris Benoit vs Orlando Jordan – United States Championship
Batista vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship – No Holds Barred
John Cena vs Chris Jericho – WWE Championship
Eugene vs Kurt Angle – No Time Limit for Angle’s Medal
Matt Hardy vs Edge
Hulk Hogan vs Shawn Michaels

– Commercials –

Chris Benoit vs Randy Orton

We’re joined in progess, as Orton has a headlock applied. Benoit wristlocks out, then armdrags Orton. Armwringer by Benoit, but Orton gets a fireman’s carry for one, then applies another headlock. Benoit fights up and grabs an armbar, but Orton punches to break. Benoit goes for a Sharpshooter, but Orton twists out and we go to…another headlock. Benoit gets out relatively quickly, but Orton gets a shoulderblock. Benoit hits a couple armdrags and bars the arm again. Orton pushes him to the ropes to force a break, then kicks him low and we go….back to the headlock. You’d think joining in progress, they would have cut a couple of these. Benoit hits a back suplex to break. Chops from Benoit, but Orton gets a thumb to the eye and slams Benoit’s head into the turnbuckles. Benoit blocks and returns the favour, then chops Orton down for two. More chops, but Orton comes back with an uppercut. Benoit ducks a clothesline and goes for the Sharpshooter again, but Orton won’t turn over and pulls him down for a one-count. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter a third time, but Orton makes the ropes fairly easily and rolls out of the ring for the obvious commercial break.

– Commercials –

We return to Orton clubbing Benoit down. Benoit hangs onto the ropes to prevent a dropkick, and locks on the Sharpshooter. Orton makes the ropes (after many exaggerated facial gestures), then posts Benoit’s shoulder. Orton pulls Benoit up so he hangs off the ropes, and hits a DDT. That gets two, as Benoit puts his foot on the rope. Orton pulls him away from the ropes and tries again, but that also gets two. A kneedrop also gets two, so Orton starts beating Benoit on the chest with forearms. Orton drags Benoit to the centre of the ring, but that only gets one. And we go to…wait for it…a headlock. Orton rakes the eye while holding the move this time, so it’s a little different. Benoit fights up again, and chops away. Orton goes low, but blows a gutwrench lift into a backbreaker, tries it again, getting Benoit all the way up this time, blows it again and has to put him down, shrugs, and hits a DDT for two. Benoit gets back up and resumes chopping, but gets clotheslined down for two. And more chops from Benoit, but Orton whips him hard into the buckle. However, Orton falls during the move, and Benoit headbutts him on the way down, and we have a ten-count situation. Both men are up at eight, and they trade punches, and Benoit gets a couple knockdowns and a kneelift, then drops an elbow for two. Benoit keeps chopping, but Orton reverses him into the buckle. RKO attempt is countered into Rolling Germans, and Benoit goes up top. Flying Headbutt hits, as Orlando Jordan runs in. Benoit knocks him off the apron, but turns around into an RKO.

Winner: Randy Orton by RKO at 14:17 aired

Final aired headlock count was five, so they did cut one, since I counted six on Tuesday. I don’t do match ratings, but that match was spectacularly dull, and was worse live.

Post-match, the lights go out, and the Undertaker appears in the ring and chokeslams Orton. He leaves the ring, and Orton has a goofy grin on his face as Smackdown goes off the air.