411’s WWE Smackdown Report 9.01.05

– Just a quick reminder the Smackdown recapper position in momentarily open at 411. You know you’d love the fame, money, and women that come with such a wonderful opportunity. Seriously, I go to a bar and I’m all “I write at 411mania” and they’re all “OMGSEXPLZ!” Plus I wouldn’t have to fill in and frankly I think that works out well for all of us.

– Also check out RantWars II as I’ll soon be a judge and get to pretend I’m actually better than someone by eliminating my own low self-esteem issues and insulting others.
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WWE SMACKDOWN 09.01.05

– For the final time Smackdown comes to you on Thursday night. Tonight we’re going to see Batista “IN ACTION!” I feel like I’m watching a Superstars show from 1987. We’ll also see a US Title rematch, Benoit vs Jordan, as well as Rey Rey vs Randy Orton.

– Match 1: John Heidenreich vs Joey Mercury

Both men have their respective partner in their corner. Next week on the show “that will change Friday nights” we’ll see a WWE Tag Title match between New LOD and MNM. Animal helps Heidenreich clear out the ring and then we’re underway. Mercury powers his way out of a powerslam but gets a couple of clotheslines for his effort. He flees outside the ring to regroup but Heidenreich destroys him from behind. Nitro gets involved and takes John’s attention allowing his tag team partner to take the upper hand. Heidenreich back in to meet some punches and knees followed by a standing dropkick taking him down. Mercury continues to stomp a mudhole and locks in a front facelock. The crowd chants pump big John up to his feet for a quick reverse, an elbow, and a big right hand taking Mercury down. Into the corner and a big charging clothesline… he goes again and hits a big boot to Mercury’s face. Mercury then goes off the ropes for a reversal but Animal gets involved knocking him right into a sit-down powerbomb by Heidenreich. Pin, 1-2-3, and it’s that easy.

Winner: John Heidenreich.

– After the match Nitro tries to help his beaten partner but Animal evens the odds before the two double team him. Animal gets tossed into the ropes but reverses for a double clothesline sending MNM outside the ring. Melina now wants to try her odds
but gets trapped between the two as Animal lifts her up for the Doomsday Device and Heidenreich climbs to the top. At the last second Nitro tosses John off as Mercury clears out Animal to save the day. MNM regroups outside the ring as they send Animal into the steel steps and proceed to beat down Big John and choke him on the mat. Back up and it’s a SnapShot to John as MNM celebrates and Melina blows kisses.

– Backstage the man from the network invites Stacy Keibler and Christy Hemme into his office. He wanted to apologize for breaking up the lingerie pillowfight last week. The network wants to make sure they’re cast in a positive light and to prove that he makes a match for tonight: Stacy vs Christy, one-on-one.

– COMMERCIALS.

– WWE Rewind: Randy Orton defeating Hardcore Holly with his father’s help last week.

– Cowboy Bob Orton is in the ring with a mic to introduce his son, Legend Killer Randy Orton. When he was younger his father told him that one day he would be the greatest wrestler in the world. Randy calls his father a genius and tells him he has a question for everyone in the arena. “Has anybody seen the Undertaker?” Personally, Randy hasn’t seen him. “If you truly love and respect the Undertaker you’ll go to WWE.com and place a bid on Undertaker’s new DVD which my father and I have signed personally. All the proceeds of course will go to the retirement fund of the Undertaker.” He’ll match the highest bid and he’ll do it in the ring next week where he hopes the Undertaker will accept. He then moves on to his opponent tonight: “Unlike my dad Rey isn’t much of a father.” He’ll have to lie to his son again when he goes home tonight because he’ll be falling victim to the RKO.

– COMMERCIALS.

– Chris Benoit is backstage with Josh Matthews. Benoit once again wonders what he can do in 25.5 seconds. “It just so happens we’re standing in a bathroom.” Benoit goes off camera to “take care of business” as his match with Jordan at Summerslam replays split screen. He comes back to check his time at 23.4 seconds.

– Match 2: US Title: Chris Benoit (c) vs Orlando
Jordan

As Benoit enters the ring Jordan attacks with boots to the stomach in the corner. Benoit fights back and goes for the arm laying out Jordan in the crossface and getting a tap at 23.4 seconds to exactly match his urination time.

Winner: Chris Benoit

– Batista is still “IN-ACTION” tonight! Will it be Barry Horowitz or Steve Lombardi? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out!

– COMMERCIALS.

– Match 3: Christy Hemme vs Stacy Keibler

I’m going to try my best to hide that I’m a giant loser but they are my two favorite divas. Seriously, I try not to like things like this but I’ll be damned if I don’t. The Jacksonville Jaguars at ringside seem to enjoy Stacy’s ring entrance as the bell rings, we get a handshake, and we’re underway. After about five seconds the arena goes dark and we get an appearance by Sylvain Grenier coming down the ramp. Sylvain
enters the brushes the girls off to the side as he begins his model gimmick by strutting and posing for the camera. The girls are laughing at him as he grabs a mic.

Winner: No Contest?

– Sylvain tells the girls they should learn something from his entrance. “You call yourselves divas?” He makes a Kirstie Alley reference which all but kills the crowd as thankfully Hardcore Holly makes his way down to respond. Holly tells him to carry his little happy ass back where he came from. He’s like every other male in this audience and he’s here to watch these two “hot girls get it on.” Sylvain touches Holly’s shoulder and that sends him out of the ring and back up the ramp as Holly’s music plays. He invites the girls back in for a group huge and we go to….

– COMMERCIALS.

– Teddy Long is backstage with our network executive running down next week’s card. LOD vs MNM, Batista vs JBL. Mr. Executive tells Teddy that Batista/JBL next week will be a bullrope match for the World Title. Teddy said that’s a great idea but Mr. Executive can’t take all of the credit, it was JBL’s idea. They want to make sure he’s all rested up week so they’re giving him the night off. I’m sorry, I know this is a recap but this guy might very well be the worst actor in the entire world. Teddy knows Mr. Executive just wants this to be a team effort so he’s made a match himself for next Friday’s show… Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio Jr. inside of a steel cage.

– TAFKA Captain Charisma shows up at the announcers table for some play-by-play and tells the guys he has a broken nose.

– Match 4: Booker T vs Ken Kennedy

Christian gives a great confused face when Cole says Sharmell is a former Miss Black USA. Kennedy enters and demands a mic as he insults the ring announcer and makes his own introductions. Booker doesn’t seem to enjoy Mr. Kennedy’s intros and attacks before he can finish. Booker goes nuts with lefts and right that send Kennedy down in the corner. Booker sends him into the ropes for an elbow to the mouth followed by a scoop slam. Big chop, Irish whip reversed but Booker answers back with a big kick. 1-2, no. Chop, chop, body drop by Booker T. 1-2, no. Booker misses a punch and Kennedy hits a beautiful spinning kick to the head and stomps a mudhole in the corner. Some shots to the back in the corner send Book on all fours
as he celebrates in the center. Head to the turnbuckle as Christian discusses the exact medical definitions of his broken nose with Cole and Tazz. Punch by Book, another punch, but a knee to the stomach by Kennedy send him down. Book responds with more chops but gets his Irish whip reversed and catches a knee to the gut. I’ve never seen so many chops, knees to the stomach, and shots to the back in my life. Kennedy lays Booker on the ropes and lands many shots to the face followed by ANOTHER KNEE! A CHOP! Booker reverses however and hits his big
kick… and both men are down. Booker with a sick uppercut, A CHOP, but misses a clothesline and Booker with a cross body, 1-2, no. Booker calls out to the crowd and hits another spinkick. Irish whip #47 in the match is reversed with kick to the stomach #86. Kennedy charges but Booker lands a nice spinebuster sending them both to the mat again. Book gets up first and does a Spinarooni followed by a big kick to the jaw. As Booker climbs to the top Sharmell walks over the announce table and starts trashing TAFKA Captain Charisma for leaving her man in the ring last week. Booker stares over a second too long as Kennedy hops up and delivers a big punch followed by a super Samoan Roll… 1-2-3.

Winner: Ken Kennedy

– Still to come tonight, Mysterio vs Orton.

– COMMERCIALS.

– Match 5: Simon Dean vs Batista

Eh, Barry Horowitz/Simon Dean, same thing. Dean grabs a mic but I hate Bucci more than any other “performer” so we’ll just pretend he didn’t. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing him dress up like a less important Buddy Rose and not get nearly as over. Batista’s music interrupts and he’d like a word before they begin. Batista tells him he’d love to try his product as he opens it up and sniffs it. He takes a nice big swallow or two … or three… or four… and flexes his manbreasts. He says he feels bigger and stronger and….. more aggressive. CLOTHESLINE! Elbows to the gut in the corner followed by a huge spinebuster. He stumbles around the ring as if he’s out of energy before going into Dean’s bag and taking a couple more big swigs. He’s back and shaking the ropes while Dean lays on the ground. Batista Bomb in the center of the ring as he goes back to the corner to grab another drink. He poses with it as he stands on Dean for the 1-2-3.

Winner: Batista

– COMMERCIALS.

– If you haven’t seen it check out:
http://www.fwaonlineplus.co.uk/mm/med/monstermoment8med.wmv for maybe the coolest looking finisher ever…. about halfway through. You’ll know it.

– Match 6: William Regal and Paul Burchill vs Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki

The little guys charge the ring and we’re underway. Scotty and Funaki clean the ring and head outside to followup. Scotty tosses Regal back in the ring and we’re ready for action… Scotty out to Funaki who hits an elbow to the head. Regal back with a knee and a tag to Burchill. Funaki with a monkey flip but misses a charge into the corner and then gets slammed into another. Tag to Regal who goes to work on the
face with knees. Funaki tries to make the tag but Regal nails a slam and chokes him with his knee in the corner. Tag to Burchill who lands some knees and makes the cover, 1-2, no. Into the ropes, clothesline, 1-2, no. Burchill with a huge European uppercut and then back into the corner for Regal. Funaki gets away for a tag to Scotty who attacks both men taking them down. Funaki back to help as Scotty takes out Regal in one corner and hits a double backbody drop. Regal cheap shots Scotty which allows Burchill to hit a sick shoulderbreaker and then an armbar for a quick tapout.

Winners: Regal and Burchill

– COMMERCIALS.

– Eddie Guerrero in a vignette backstage behind a steel cage wall…. which is pretty impressive considering Teddy Long just made the match a few minutes ago. Eddie said when his wife pushed that ladder at Summerslam she wasn’t just pushing the
ladder to save Rey’s family… because when he looked into her eyes he realized that Rey had gained his family and he had lost his. “I lost my kids, I lost my wife, (Mexican), I lost everything!” He said it’s not Rey’s fault, it’s his own. He said he had Rey beat at Summerslam but he wanted to make him suffer. He made the mistake of giving him a chance…. and he won’t make that mistake again. “How can you beat something, how can you beat someone…. when he’s already lost everything.” Very nice promo.

– COMMERCIALS.

– Match 7: Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio Jr.

Orton begins by looking at his father and showing that Rey only comes up to his chest. Orton starts with shots to the back and then tosses him hard over the
top rope. Orton follows onto the apron and then tosses Rey back in. Irish whip, elbow to the mouth… he looks out at the crowd mocking Rey and tells him he shouldn’t be in the same ring with him. After an Irish whip Rey catches Orton in a tilt-a-whirl headscissors… when he gets back up Rey knocks him outside and poses on the middle turnbuckle. Orton back in getting punched in the face… into the corner where Rey lands 12 big punches and Orton stumbles. Irish whip by Rey who ducks under Orton’s legs and then gets kicked in the stomach and tossed HARD
outside by Randy.

– COMMERCIALS.

We’re back with Orton having Rey in a rearchoke in the middle of the ring. He wears Rey down to his knees and then to his stomach… the ref is checking to see if he quits and then notices the choke and breaks it up. Orton pulls down the kneepad and hits a knee to the face on the mat. Rey is struggling on the ground as Orton taunts him while slapping him in the back of the head. “You’re as big as my ten year old brother” while he kicks him down into that corner. Rey jumps up with a kick to the stomach, kick to the leg, right hand, right hand, kick to the knee and Orton goes
down. Orton back in charge with a HUGE atomic drop sending Rey into the corner as Orton chokes him into the middle rope. Huge uppercut before Orton drags him to the center, 1-2, no. Another front facelock/choke as the ref gets a close look. The ref tries to break it up but Orton keeps spinning around the ring keeping his back to him. Rey tries to fight out but Orton tosses him head first into the mat hard. He picks his head up and scrapes it off of his knee back down into the corner before standing on his face. Orton picks him up, goes for a delayed vertical suplex, but gets reversed into a small package… 1-2-no. Orton back up but Mysterio hits a bulldog as both men are down and the ref is counting. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7- Mysterio covers, 1-2-2.5-NO. Mysterio shoots off the ropes but Orton counters with a big dropkick to the chest, 1-2, no. 1-2, no. Man, that never works. 1-2, no. Orton
complains and stares down the ref before stomping down on Rey’s chest. Orton slowly climbs to the second rope and readies for the elbow… Rey gets his legs up! Randy holds his face and stumbles down into perfect position for a 6-1-9 on the middle rope. Randy back up first but misses a clothesline and gets kicked hard in the knee. Chop, chop, punch, off the ropes and a cross body, 1-2-no. Nice combo by Rey. Orton grabs him and hits a huge forearm uppercut on Rey, 1-2-no. Rey recovers and jumps up on the apron hitting a Whoopie Cushion/Big Josh splash… 1-2, no. Rey back up and off the ropes slamming Randy’s head to the canvas. Pin, 1-2-, no. Rey stalks Orton into the corner but Randy grabs his head and tosses him against the middle turnbuckle. Randy Orton stalks up motioning for him to stand up but Rey jumps up with a boot to the face. He charges but gets kicked in the stomach… goes for the hurricanrana but Orton fights and eventually gets tossed onto the middle rope. Rey hits a nice 6-1-9 but is down outside on the ring apron. He slowly climbs and as he jumps on the ropes Bob Orton grabs his leg. He tries again after kicking him off but is caught in the mid-air and hit in the groin with an uppercut from Orton. Orton picks him up and sits him on the top rope …. SUPER RKO!! 1-2-3! Awesome.

Winner: Randy Orton

– Bob Orton gets in the ring and raises his son’s arm. FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN NEXT WEEK! OMG OMG!

– World Heavyweight Title Bullrope Match: Batista (c)
vs JBL
– WWE Tag Team Titles: New LOD (c) vs MNM
– Cage Match: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio Jr.
– The Undertaker confronts Randy Orton

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