Cross The Line – TNA Impact Analysis 07.31.08

Welcome one and all to the column that dares you to Cross The Line. Without further adieu, let’s get this show on the road.

Cold open and we’re in the Pimped out locker room with Booker T and the always-sensual Sharmell. Booker proposes that Joe join him in a tour of the SIX SIDES OF STEEL then invites a close personal friend to join him at the Pay-per-view. JB inquires if this friend is Sting. Booker merely smiles, asks for more champagne and dismisses the peasant.

We get the opening video; only it’s done using footage from the upcoming TNA Impact video game.

We waste little time and move on to our first match of the evening.

Match 1: No. 1 Contenders’ Tag Team Bout – Beer Money Inc. (w/Jackie) vs. Instant War(w/seperate entrances – Rhino and Christian Cage)

So, I’ve been wondering, are Jackie and James supposed to be together? She’s awfully touchy feeling with him. They are definitely pimping this game with the inclusion in the entrance videos. The faces make their entrances while Mike and Don shill Hard Justice.

Rhino and Roode start us off and Rhino just runs through him. Roode’s attempt at a hip toss merits him a clothesline. Tags Christian and they plant Roode with a tandem hip toss. Cage continues the assault briefly and tags Rhino back in. Roode cheap shots Rhino, and tags out to Storm, so Rhino beats the piss out of him and tags Christian back in. Christian and Storm duke it out and Christian attempts a tornado reverse DDT, but Storm blocks and possibly goes for one of his on, but Christian pulls him from the top rope into a Diamond Cutter! Feel the bang Cowboy. Roode back in and he and Christian exchange chops and punches. Christian knocks Roode to the floor, then from the backdrops Roode from the apron, over the top rope onto Storm. Christian fights with them on the floor for a minute but Storm spits Beer in his eyes and slams him into the steel guardrail. While Christian recovers, let’s watch some…

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*Yep, pretty sure I’m going to go see Pineapple Express
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*TNA Presents the Best of the Bloodiest Scars and Stitches. May have to check that out.

Back to action And Beer Money hit the tandem suplex complete with tandem “Yeah” taunt. Christian set up top but blocks a corner charge with the less impressive standard tornado DDT. Remember Chavo back in WCW? That run up the ropes tornado DDT was sweet. Wonder why no one does that anymore? Anyway, Rhino steamrolls over Beer Money. Roode rakes the eyes but gets his spine busted. Storm in and gets hit with a reverse DDT courtesy of Christian. Cage feeling froggy, but Brother Ray is out and he dives on him instead. Devine out to get killed and despite newly acquire ken-pore stick, Storm is Gored inside out. Roode pulls Hebner out of the ring. Rhino is not pleased. Devon out to attack Rhino from behind, but Christian is back and they double-team Devon until Christian decides to drop kick through the middle rope and nail Ray in the face. Jackie, like the girl she is, pulls Rhino’s hair, but Christian is all, “oh no you didn’t” and pulls her to the floor. Roode takes out Christian from behind. Jackie masterfully distracts Hebner with her boobs I think as Rhino relives weeks past by falling victim to a 3D. Storm gets the pin and the win for his team.

Winners: Beer Money Inc.That was a fun opener. A little too much interference for my sake, but it sets up another match for the PPV. Speaking of which…

Cage calls out Team 3D and challenges them to a New Jersey Street Fight. Play that man’s music!

To The Back: Lauren is with Rock and Rave Infection. Christy tries to accept a nonexistent Grammy. Rave loves whatever city they’re in. Rock is just creepy. Christy sold her soul for Rock and Roll and now must live the gimmick. Heh, she could have a doughnut for a head. Christy sings. Eat your heart out Jillian.

Match 2: Six Man Tag Bout – Rock and Rave Infection (w/Christy, Guitars, and possible undiagnosed venereal diseases) vs. Curry Man (w/ Pimp Cane and Pimp Hat); Shark Boy(w/Leather Vest) and Black Machismo(w/Val)

Heels take advantage before the bell. Jay turns the tides quickly and drop kicks Devine to the outside and takes him out with a dive. Rave eats the Thez press but Sharkey eats boot. Curry man takes out Lance then dances with Christy and it is glorious! Or it was until Rave hit a Christopher Daniels-like STO. Whatever happened to the guy? Rock and Rave with the double elbows to the Sultan of Spice. Devine with a corner knee and the shades of Harley Race jumping knee. Rave tags back in and they run the ropes and. Curry puts Rave down with the clothesline. Tag to Machismo who cleans house. Rave is on the receiving end of the Vintage~! Hip toss/cart wheel/drop kick combo. Machismo up top, but Rock shoves him off. The Spicy one chops away at Rock, but gets goozled. Sharky in and he gets a hand around the throat as well. In a nifty spot, the both kick him as they go up. Curry Man elevates Sharky onto the Rock and Rave guys while Devine does his inverted curb stomp thing to Machismo. Devine Intervention blocked and Devine jobs to the Lethal Combo.

Winners: Shark Boy, Curry Man, and Black Machismo Decent little encounter. Parts of the match seemed a bit off, but nothing horrible.

Post match Machismo is on bended knee and he notices that Val’s ring is mysteriously gone. Machismo slips back to being Jay as his anger bubbles over. Riveting stuff here. Okay, maybe not riveting, but it’s something. Jay figures Val never wanted to marry him in the first place. Well you guys did only go on three cheap ass dates. She only said yes because that’s what chicks do on TV.

To the Back: JB with Lance something or another; who calls Sharky a fish guy. Super Eric is here and drops the insider info by calling JB the Spin Cyclist. Super Eric is saddened by Val and Machismo’s break up. But he has a plan. Save the ring, save the love. Not sure if that’s goofy enough for me to care.

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*Yes, my soul still burns. Must possess Soul Calibur IV.

*Hmm…appreciate the effort, but that Bound For Glory video did look pretty cable access like. Nice gangster suits though.

Back from the Break and To the Back: Joe prays. That’s right he prays; prays! He has to pray just to make it today. Joe wants Sting and Booker at the same time…in the SIX SIDES OF STEEL

Video PackageRecap of things that happened a couple of weeks ago. Let’s get a close up of that long, hard, ebony wood..

Don is convinced Sting is in on this, which confirms for any sane individual that he’s not. Oh My God! Fake Sting!!! That’s it.

To the Back: Because it’s been so longs since we last saw Joe, JB is with him and Nash in the locker room. Joe’s angry again. He knows it was Sting. Nash is calm and collected; wants to make a plan. The Joker told me not to trust people with plans. Joe should just…do.

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*Why must every commercial break taunt me so? I get it; Soul Calibur IV will own what’s left of my soul.

*I’m still so very much in love with Michelle Yeoh. Mummy 3 looks like it could be fun.

We’re back and the classical styling of “Can You Dig it Sucka” welcome us from the break. Booker is looking every bit a champion with the smoking jacket and World Title. That is one ugly dude giving Booker a thumbs down. SIX SIDES OF STEEL w/ weapons. Booker promises the lights won’t go out and I can help but think that Joe may be afraid of the dark. Joe coming through the crowd. Joe says that if Booker wants him inside the cage, he, being Joe, will beat him, that being Booker. Wait, huh? He’s a punk because he doesn’t have back up? That’s new. Well, let’s not ponder that. “Joe’s gonna kill” you chants. This can’t end well. Nash is out holding the cage door in place as Booker tries to back out. Joe with the Bossman Stick. Sharmell tries to save her man and Nash carries Sharmell away. Joe is too busy staring at her ass and the bat drops from the heavens (shades of my first column) and Booker whacks Joe.

Video Package Abdul Bashir criticizes America. It’s our fault that our country is in trouble. History repeats itself. Can’t argue with him there.

Conflicted AJ provides our transition to the commercial break.

Back. AJ’s yelling too. Why all the yelling man? AJ and the people want to know what’s going on with Sting. AJ wants to believe there are reasons for his action. Sting chants? Who do they think he is, HBK? AJ thinks Sting is guilty. AJ calls him a coward, and like Marty McFly, that’s the trigger. Light outs, lights on and Crazy Man Angle with the Angle Slam. Another Angle Slam. Angle begs AJ to get up. In iconic, classic baby face fashion, AJ pulls up on Angle’s tights. Angle finishes the trifecta of Angle Slams. Yes, let’s take a look at something we just saw.

To the Back The Beautiful People badmouth the masked men. Angelina asks Sharky if the mermaids won’t take his money anymore. Sharky retorts that the moment he needs to pay for it will be the same time Angelina’s flapjacks perk on their own. Oh Snap! Burn, burn, mutha flippin’ burn. Sharky says if they don’t cough up the ring, he’s performing full body cavity searches. Curry Man apologizes for his angry friend and suggests that the sooner the Beautiful People hand over the ring, the sooner he can get some action, action, action. This man is gold! Sharky warns that if they were holding out on him, he’ll be back to stomp fishing holes in their asses or basses or whatever it is he does. Curry pokes his head back in and asks if the ladies want to see how delicious he tastes. Forget Shelton Benjamin! Curry Man is the Gold Standard! Velvet Sky says she’s ready, and that “she’s ready. Who’s she? We’ll find out after these commercials. Holla!

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To the Back Rhaka Khan stands there looking pretty. Yeah, I said looking pretty. Petey with the Arnold impression and the bad mouth on Creed. Who has Creed beat? Petey is the Wizard of the Washboard and the definition of Definition.

Match 3: Non-title X-Division Bout Creed vs. ©Petey Williams

Finally, another match. Why the hell is Hermie hear talking about whomever he’s talking about? Must try to ignore.

Petey starts us off with a waist lock take down. Rhaka approves. They run the ropes a bit and Creed puts a stop to that with some dancing jabs, a split, and haymaker. USA chants and it makes sense for a change. Creed nearly overshoots Petey on a cross body. The man has some hops. A whole lot of nothing as they take turns whipping each other around the ring. Petey finally hits his swank slingshot rana. Sling shot code breaker and Petey shows off the guns. Petey dominating here, but Creed fights back. Drop kick puts Petey down. Clothesline in the corner and Creed follows up with a leaping clothesline in the center of the ring. He hoists Petey up in a fireman’s carry but Petey squirms free. Creed dances for Rhaka then sidesteps a charging Petey into her. No! KHAAAAN!!! Creed gets a close two off the Fireman Carry Diamond Cutter. He then counters the Destroyer into a roll up for the win.

Winner: Consequences CreedThey did a good enough job that I’m curious as to what they might do given more time. Creed still strikes me as a bit iffy. Kind of like Kofi in that they both can jump high and move fast, but would benefit from slowing down a bit.

To the Back:Salinas and her boobs inform the Prince Justice League that they’re on the wrong side of the tracks. Shark calls her Chica and throws a toothpick at her. Okay, maybe not, but he does call her a chica and compares her hood to Sesame Street. The linguistic master Curry Man tries to diffuse the situation. Blat, blat! is the international language. Homicide suggests they leave. Before the fish can fly, Super Eric says he has a lead.

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*Rock me sexy Jesus!

*Harrison Ford getting his chest waxed is so manly in its manliness.

To the Back: Lauren is with an angry AJ. Sting is behind the madness. Angle didn’t appear by magic. AJ doesn’t believe in magic, which simultaneously kills Tinker Bell and makes Ronald McDonald a sad clown. AJ wants Kurt in a last man standing match.

Don, Mike, and Cornette run down the card:

Tag Titles: Beer Money Inc. vs. ©LAX
X Division Title: Consequences Creed vs. Petey Williams
Black Tie Brawl and Chain Match: Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt
Last Man Standing: AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle.
Six Sides of Steel w/Weapons – World Title: Booker T vs. ©Samoa Joe

Corny runs his mouth a bit about Sting and we kick it off to Karen.

Karen’s Angle After another under whelming segment, Kaz announces his decision to walk away and thanks every wrestler, management, and the fans. So Kaz is going to find himself. Okie dokie. Good look. Maybe he’ll find his first name while he’s gone. We get some post interview shenanigans with Tomko who acts all scary and makes Karen scream bloody murder before turning the camera off.

To The Back Lauren and Kevin talk about Sting. Joe looks like he’s going to cry the promise to break Sting.

Match 4: “The Blue Print” Matt Morgan vs. Sal Rinauro

Hey I heard of that guy. And hey, another squash. Yippee. Tenay finally acknowledges the game footage. The game drops in September. Matt toys with the much, much smaller guy and I have to wonder what the point of this particular squash is. Hellavator ends it.

Winner: Matt MorganNext.

Morgan calls out Tomko and talks about Tomko wearing Angle’s ass for a hat. Tomko comes down to the ring, removes the shirt and they go at it until security breaks it up. Tomko sneaks back in. Okay, that Hellavator was impressive. Back to Japan with ye! Why the squash match was need is beyond me.

To the Back JB with Prince Justice League and video footage. Sonjay stole the ring. Sharky disses The King of Spice. Super Eric admonishes Sharky’s language. They’ll be back same Prince Justice channel, same Prince Justice time. Curry man is making these segments awesome.

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*Ice Cube in an uplifting film about a girl leading a football team to the state finals reminds me of the time I destroyed a girl in middle school. Good times, good times. Like Luda said, put on a skirt if you want to step on this field and not get hurt.

We’re back and JB is with Team 3D and Beer Money. Ray is singing. Beer Money and Team 3D are now the best of friends. Beer Money are scumbags just like them. Jackie’s got a little scumbag in her as well. That’s disgusting. Team 3D is the hardest of hardcore. Tila Tequila would like to have a word with you. Big eight-man tag match announced for next week. There will be clubbering, plundah, and tables. Testify then be Sorry about your damn luck. Ray gets all ominous with threats of glass tables.

Rough Cuts: Another step down in quality as they don’t really reveal much about Taylor. Matt Morgan’s and Gail Kim’s remain quality stuff. This wasn’t bad, just not up to theirs. Though, that Bill Demot appearance seemed random as hell, and essential paints Taylor as no laughing matter. ODB offers her two cents as well.

Match 5: Main Event – Knock Outs Tag Team Match – The Beautiful People (w/beautiful asses and video of Velvet’s losses) vs. Gail Kim and ©Taylor Wild

That chick they did the close up on was cute. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but I really wish they’d come up with a better name for the freakin’ champ other than “Upset Queen.”

Wild and Velvet start it off. Velvet fakes a tag and attacks from behind. That’s good heeling right there. Velvet bails and tags in Angelina. Forearm exchange. Side headlock by Taylor leads to some rope running and a nice arm drag from the champ. Gail tags in and executes a Japanese arm drag. Angelina blocks the necktie neck breaker, but not the drop kick. Gail goes for her lucha arm drag, but stops to kick Velvet in the face. Velvet still manages to pull her to the floor and send us to the commercial.

But first, let’s follow Joe into the rafters.

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Main Event Continued Angelina takes it to Gail. Angelina lifts Gail from the mat by her hair and slams her down. She repeats it and the crowd wants Taylor. Heel double team in the corner and the crowd still wants Taylor. Gail fights back with the Code Breaker. Tag to Taylor and she is a blaze with baby face fire. Tilt-a-whirl back breaker for Angelina, Northern lights on Velvet. It’s a Donna Brook as all four are going at it. Angelina with that awesomely stiff kick of hers that puts Taylor down. Taylor manages to kick out because she’s the champ. Interesting finishing sequence with Taylor fighting to sunset flip Velvet and possibly kicking Angelina. Gail drop kick both Beautiful People, leading to Velvet getting sunset slipped for the three.

Winners: Gail Kim and Taylor WildVelvet dragged this down a bit, and it felt short. Nothing horrible, but could have been much better.

The Beautiful People attack after the bell. Gail fights back, but Awesome Kong is back to kill bitches dead. She’s swatting them away like flies. ODB chants as Gail takes the Awesome Bomb. There’s one for Taylor. ODB drunkenly ambles out for a confrontation. Roxxi out with a chair to possibly reclaim one of her feuds. Tracy Brooks and her boobs stand proudly at the top of the ramp. The battle lines are drawn.

That image just isn’t good enough to end the show on, so let’s check on Joe. Look at the little birdie. So, either Raven (Scott Levy), Raven (Teen Titan) or the ghost of Brandon Lee is behind all these mysterious attacks. That’s our show!

Show analysis: Eh, not as good as last weeks. Because it has been asked, I will implement my own rating. Which will be symbolized by a line and how close Don West comes to crossing it. The further away Don West is from the line, the better the show. Once he crosses it however, the show sucked. Fortunately Don was a full step away from the line. So while not a homerun, the show wasn’t terrible.

That’s it folks. Time to hit the sack. Hope you guys enjoy the read. Remember, when in doubt, Cross The Line.