The Carolina Review: WWE Judgment Day 2003

Live from Charlotte, North Carolina

Your hosts are JR and Jerry Lawler for RAW, and Michael Cole and Tazz for Smackdown!

Stone Cold comes out to the ring as the Co-General Manager of RAW. This set is really ugly, by the way. He was made GM by Linda McMahon three weeks before the PPV. Insane WHAT chants by the crowd. Austin says nothing important. He is going to sit in the crowd and drink beer and watch the matches like everyone else. They must have realized it was going to be a crappy show if they had Austin come out for a meaningless promo.

Palumbo/Stamboli/Cena vs. Benoit/Rhyno/Spanky

Cena comes out to do a rap giving props to the FBI. It’s interesting to note how Cena’s gimmick has changed from a ghetto white boy rapper to a plain, generic white boy. Spanky looks like a Lucky Charms rep. Before the bell, Spanky leaps over Benoit and Rhyno landing a senton on the FBI and Cena. They fight outside the ring until the bell is called. Back in, the fight breaks up and Cena pounds away at Spanky with forearms and boots to the midsection. Spanky fights back with an enziguri but the FBI runs in and flips Spanky into a high double slam variation. Chuck tags in Stamboli. Where was the tag to Chuck? They double team Spanky by pulling his legs apart, and then Stamboli kicks him repeatedly in the corner. Chuck distracts the ref and Cena starts cheating. Chuck tags in and floors Spanky with a fist to the face. Chuck stomps the shit out of Spanky then wraps him in a bearhug. Chucky only gets 2 for a pin and goes back to the bearhug. Spanky fights out of the bearhug but is greeted with a hard clothesline. Spanky leaps from the turnbuckle to avoid a charging Chucky and leg scissors him into Stamboli. Spanky rolls to his corner and makes the tag to Benoit! He shoves down Palumbo. Snap suplex on Cena. Rhyno leaps at Stamboli and both men fly out of the ring! Benoit clotheslines Chucky and murders Cena with a German Suplex! German suplex to Chucky! Benoit calls for it…diving headbutt on Chucky! Nunzio tries to interfere but gets GORED! Rhyno is shoved out of the ring by Chucky, Benoit shoves Chucky out, and Cena whips Benoit to his own corner. Spanky makes the tag by slapping Benoit on the back. Cena clotheslines Benoit to the mat but Spanky knocks Cena down with a flying dropkick to the back! Benoit has Cena in the Crossface. The ref doesn’t notice Nunzio’s interference on Spanky’s attempt of a Sliced Bread #2. Kiss of Death backbreaker/flying legdrop combo on Spanky gets the three!

Winners: The FBI and John Cena in 3:58 *

Analysis: This wasn’t much of a match. Spanky got the snot kicked out of him for 3 minutes, Benoit made the save, but the heels still came out on top. At that point it was a travesty that Benoit and Rhyno were at the bottom of the card. They deserved much better than 4 minutes on the opening match of a PPV. I will give credit to the ref who kept up with the legal men as this match became a tad confusing given the seven men out there (including Nunzio). It is still interesting to think Cena went from that to what he is now. Considering how short this match is, I liked the pace and intensity, so it deserves at least 1 star.

Meanwhile, Austin and Bischoff argue over hot dogs in beer in Austin’s suite. I guess they were attempting to be funny. They could have scrapped this and gave more time to the 6-man tag. Sheesh.

Members of the Carolina Panthers are at ringside. They are all probably out of the league now. Ha!

Scott Steiner/Test vs. La Resistance

La Resistance made their debut three weeks earlier by lashing out against Steiner’s hatred of the French. If you haven’t seen the debate between Chris Nowinski and Steiner on RAW, you need to see it NOW. Pure brilliance. La Resistance comes out to the ring and tells us “our government encourages hatred.” They have a point. Dupree beats on Test. They exchange slaps. Test stomps away at Dupree and tosses him over for a back body drop. Steiner tags in and beats the shit out of Dupree in the corner. He clotheslines Greiner off the apron for trying to interfere. Steiner hits Dupree then Grenier with clotheslines. Steiner does his push-up routine instead of going for the pin. Dupree whips Steiner to the ropes. Grenier knees him in the back. Dupree takes advantage and drapes Steiner on the ropes. Steiner falls to the outside. Grenier beats on Steiner on the outside and rolls him back in. Pin attempt only gets 2. Grenier tags in and they hit a double suplex for 2. Steiner fights out of a chinlock. Steiner charges but gets knocked to the canvas with a boot. Flying clothesline only gets 2. Steiner blocks a flying axehandle and Grenier is suplexed for his efforts. Both men tag out. Test hits clotheslines on Grenier and Dupree. Sidewalk slam on Dupree. Dupree nails a running clothesline on Dupree in the corner. In a botched moment Test clotheslines Grenier while Grenier kicks him at the same time. Dupree fights out of a pumphandle slam so Test kills Grenier with a clothesline. Full-nelson slam gets 2 after Dupree breaks it up. Dupree takes care of Steiner on the outside. Test runs at Greiner but he pulls the ref in his way. Grenier gets 2 with his feet on the ropes. Sort of a clusterfuck as La Resistance and Test battle. Steiner back in and tosses Grenier with a suplex. Steiner boots Dupree out of the ring. Test gets the Pump-Handle slam but Steiner is too busy bitching at the ref for some reason. Test argues with the ref but gets dropkicked into Stacy Keibler! Steiner catches her on the outside. Greiner rolls up the distracted Test for 2. Steiner tags in and hits a Flatliner type maneuver then a clothesline on Grenier. Test accidentally kills Steiner with a boot to the face. They clear out Test then flapjack Steiner to the mat for 3!

Winner: La Resistance at 6:25 1/2*

Analysis: So they booked La Resistance to go over because Test and Scott Steiner are distracted over a woman AND they booked Scott Steiner and Test to eventually feud? No wonder I wasn’t watching WWE in 2003. If I ever have to see Test hit another clothesline I will punch myself in the neck. The Frenchmen should have gone over with all the attention on them rather than on the Kiebler angle.

Mr. America runs into reporter Gregory Helms. Helms knows Mr. America is really coughcoughHulkHogancoughcough. Mr. American knows Helms is really the Hurricane. I know this entire segment reeks of lame.

Josh Matthews interviews Eddie Guerrero. He brings Tajiri in as his tag partner against Team Angle tonight. Tajiri says “We lie, cheat, we steal esaeee.” Awesome.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Team Angle (Charlie Haas/Shelton Benjamin) © vs. Eddie Guerrero/Tajiri

This is a ladder match. Shelton throws Eddie into the ladder while Haas and Tajiri do battle in the ring. Tajiri hits a spinning heel kick. Team Angle double team Tajiri. Eddie back in and Shelton tosses Eddie onto Charlie’s knee for a sick gutbuster. Team Angle goes for a ladder. Tajiri has other plans and barely makes it over the top rope onto Haas on the floor. Eddie does the same but Shelton blocks him. Team Angle climb up the ladder but Tajiri knocks them down with his handspring elbows. Eddie joins the fracas. Eddie and Tajiri sliding kick the ladder into Benjamin on the floor. They do the same with the ladder to Charlie’s crotch in the corner. Ouch. Cole says: “These ladders can be used as a weapon.” Wow, as if we didn’t know that already. Eddie and Tajiri stack Haas between a pair of ladders. Eddie slingshots into a tope con hilo on the ladder. Tajiri climbs the ladder but Shelton pulls him to the mat. Looks like Tajiri busted his face on the way down. Eddie dropkicks Shelton off the ladder. Eddie tries to whip Shelton into a ladder set up in the corner but gets powerslammed onto the ladder for his efforts. Shelton slams Tajiri to the mat. Haas sends Tajiri face first into a ladder leaning against the ropes. Haas sets it level to the mat and Shelton leapfrogs from the top of the ladder ass first on Tajiri. Nice spot. Haas climbs the ladder but Eddie shoves it over sending Haas flying out of the ring. Eddie back in and drives the ladder into Shelton’s gut. Eddie gets reverse Irish whipped into the ladder in the corner. Tajiri lamely kicks the ladder into Shelton and Haas. Tajiri kicks the crap out of Team Angle then drives the ladder into the gut of both men. Clothesline with the ladder into Team Angle. Tajiri sloppily kicks the ladder into Benjamin on the outside. Tajiri applies the Tarantula to Haas but Shelton breaks it up with a ladder shot to the back. Team Angle take control of Eddie. Haas grabs a ladder but Shelton gets monkey flipped right onto it. Shelton had to run a little to hit the ladder, though. Eddie backdrops Shelton from the ring. Eddie climbs up the ladder and continuously fights off Team Angle. Frogsplash from the top of the ladder onto Benjamin! Haas and Eddie both reach the top of the ladder but Eddie leaps over Haas and sends him crashing to the mat with a sunset powerbomb! Eddie climbs the ladder to grab the belts but pesky Shelton tries to stop it. Tajiri climbs the ladder and sprays Shelton with his green mist. Eddie grabs the titles and gets the victory!

Winner and NEW WWE Tag Team Champions: Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri at 14:20 ***

Analysis: I thought this was a good contest. For a ladder match it was your usual standard fare, give a few spots. At first I thought the pacing was a little off, as these four men should have been mercilessly flying at each other. I then realized how good of a job they were selling getting beaten by a ladder (and each other). It was a solid affair that deserves no less than three stars as it was great, but not excellent. I would have also put Team Angle over and given them a longer run, but I guess they were just setting up for Chavo’s return.

Austin derides Bischoff in his skybox for “drinking beer like a sissy.” In a skybox. Yeah.

Roddy interrupts Chris Jericho’s interview for ripping off Piper’s Pit. They banter on what they are both going to do tonight. The whole thing was heatless and a tool to kill time.

Ross and King discuss the history of the Intercontinental Championship. They are bringing the title back since it was sitting around in Stamford since October of 2002. They show clips of Austin and Rock fighting for the title back when it used to mean something.

Battle Royal for the Intercontinental Championship

Your participants: Val Venis (Bringing this gimmick back again after being Chief Morley. To me, it never gets old.), Chris Jericho (Who should have been battling for the WWE title again at this point), Goldust (Why?), Lance Storm (Awesome!), Rob Van Dam (Gets a big pop.), Christian (He looks so much better with short hair in 2008.), Test (GOD why?), Kane (Looking awesome with the mask.), and Booker T (Big pop for Booker!).
Kane and RVD go at it to begin. Kane boots RVD to the mat and everyone else rushes over to wail away at Kane. Kane powers out, knocking everyone backwards. He takes turn decking numerous wrestlers then tosses Lance Storm out. Eh, someone has to go. Venis implant DDTs RVD to the mat. Everyone goes after Kane again. This time he gets tossed out. Well, that was short. Kane gets pissed and slides back in the ring to dish out punishment to everyone in his sight. Chokeslam to Val Venis, Test, and RVD. Booker T eliminates Test while Kane leaves. Goldust eliminates Val Venis. RVD is almost eliminated but clings to the ropes on the apron. Jericho finishes the job with a springboard dropkick. Goldust works over Jericho while Booker works over Christian. Christian charges at Goldust but he leaps off the second rope, knocking Christian to the canvas. Jericho missile dropkicks Goldust. Vitamin C double-team Goldust but he counters with a running bulldog. Goldie hits the Shattered Dreams on both Jericho and Christian. Booker T does his Spinaroonie but Goldust takes advantage and attempts to throw Booker out. Booker ends up throwing Goldie out, however. Vitamin C double-team Booker. Booker tries to fight back over and over but Vitamin C keeps taking control. Jericho goes for a Lionsault but is tossed out by Christian to the shock of Jericho. Booker hits a spinning heel kick and slapjack. Christian counters Booker’s kick and drops him hair first. Christian goes for a running dropkick but Booker moves. Christian nails the referee with the dropkick. Christian gets eliminated with a superkick. Wait, the ref is still out! Christian nails Patterson and steals the title. He KO’s Booker with the belt and eliminates him for the victory.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Christian at 11:50 *

Analysis: There are many problems to this battle royal. I refuse to name them all. If you are bringing a championship back that you want the fans to take seriously, even including a nice video package to show the history of the title, why end the battle royal with a Dusty finish? Why not have the ending go clean? If they were trying to make the ending somewhat dramatic, it failed. It made Booker T look like a loser again, which is something they did a lot back in those days. I did like how everyone went after Kane early, which was a logical course of action to take. The ending and the quick eliminations pulled this battle royal down dramatically, though, and as far as battle royals go, it was standard except for the bullshit finish.

Bikini Contest: These events are pointless on a Pay-Per-View, and I don’t care to go over it. If you must know, however, Sable wins and they do a terrible job of making out.

In the skybox, Austin tricks Bischoff into eating some jalapenos. Good times were had by all. Bleh.

Roddy and Sean O’ Haire discuss Piper’s match with Mr. America. Vinnie Mac joins the conversation and gives a pep talk of sorts for Piper. He says they are finally going to reveal Mr. America as Hulk Hogan. Who came up with this crap?

Roddy Piper vs. Mr. America

O’Haire looked pretty cool back then. He could have been emo like the Age of the Fall. Ha! Piper looks like my old high college biology teacher. Hogan calls Zach Gowen out. Sean and Piper double team HOGAN. O’Haire is forced out by the ref. Piper kicks around Hogan. He distracts the ref so O’Haire can get a few shots in. Hogan fights back and pounds away at Piper in the corner. O’Haire trips up Hogan but Hogan fights back on the outside, making O’Haire look like a tool. Piper actually jumps from the apron to weakly slap Hogan on the back. Piper takes Hogan’s belt and slaps it across the back of Hogan. Hogan does the NO-SELL OF DOOM and returns the favor to Piper. O’Haire drops Hogan throat-first across the top rope which enables Piper to lock in the worst sleeper I have ever seen this side of WCW Worldwide. Hogan fights out of the sleeper and HULKS UP, doing the NO-SELL OF DOOM to every bit of offense Piper can muster. Punch, punch, big boot, and out comes McMahon to start more pointless shit. He hands O’Haire a steel pipe. Piper can’t even apply a FULL full nelson to Hogan. Of course, Hogan avoids the steel pipe. Piper is sent sprawling and so is O’Haire. Legdrop gets Hogan the three.

Winner: Hog-Wait, Mr. America at 4:45 -***

Analysis: What is there to say? Two over fifty year old men unsuccessfully trying to wrestle, run and breathe. What I personally find disgusting is the flab on Piper. Eww. The less said about this the better. Moving on.

HHH walks backstage and runs into Stephanie McMahon. She looks homely and worried. He looks like doesn’t give a damn. He will be banging her sooner or later, anyway.

World Heavyweight Championship: Kevin Nash vs. HHH

This feud came about when Nash returned. He didn’t like the fact that his two buddies, HHH and Shawn Michaels, hated each other. Nash chose Michaels. HHH took exception to that so his cronies (Flair and Jericho) helped beat up Nash. That led to a Backlash 6-man tag where Nash was beaten with the sledgehammer of DOOM. Nash and HHH beat the hell out of each other on Raw. HBK comes out before Nash because he is in his corner. Flair gets a big pop in his hometown of Charlotte, looking mighty dapper in a suit. Nash runs after HHH in the aisle. They fight. Flair tries to help HHH but Michaels spoils his fun. The two fight to the back. What is the point of even bringing them out with entrances if they aren’t even going to last a minute? Nash beats on HHH and whips him into the steel stairs. Nash uses knees in the corner then hits a back bodydrop. After a brief exchange of blows outside, Nash hits a big boot on the inside. Bodyslam and elbow drops waste HHH. He hits another freakin’ elbow. HHH tosses the ref aside but Nash likes referees and clotheslines HHH. HHH finally gets some offense in with the spinning neckbreaker. He tries to whip Nash to a corner but Nash reverse into the running clothesline of repeatedness! Nash won’t stop punching HHH on the mat so Hebner pulls him up by the hair! Go Earl! Nash ducks a clothesline and the Earl is now out of commission. HHH kicks Nash in the balls. HHH removes a turnbuckle bad but Nash won’t have any of that. Sidewalk slam by Nash! Nash elbows HHH in the corner then hits another freaking big boot. I hate to say it but I think Test is a better wrestler than Kevin Nash. God. Nash tries to throw HHH on the exposed turnbuckle. HHH counters and it’s Nash who hits the steel ring head first. Earl is knocked out again. HHH gets the Pedigree for 2-wait, what? Oh right, Nash is part of the Clique. HHH goes for another Pedigree but is tossed outside for his efforts. HHH grabs the Sledgehammer but Earl argues against the usage of such an object. HHH doesn’t care and whacks Earl with the tool for the DQ. The crowd shits on the finish. Nash hits another fucking big boot and a Jackknife Powerbomb for revenge. What a crock of shit.

Winner: Kevin Nash by DQ at 7:45 -*

Analysis: There is no redeeming value in watching this match. None. The pacing was terribly slow, Nash has no offensive moves besides punching, kicking and elbows, and Flair and Michaels were out there for a minute? The booking is atrocious, horrendous and the in ring action is even worse. At least let HHH get in some offense so we don’t have to see Nash drop a million elbows and clotheslines.

Thanks to those jalapeno peppers, Bischoff pukes in the skybox and becomes drenched in beer. Austin is having a good time. I am not.

WWE Women’s Championship Fatal Four Way Match: Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline vs. Victoria vs. Jazz ©

Jazz is one ugly bitch. They all battle to start. Jazz and Vickie try to whip Trish and Jackie into each other but the reverse occurs. Jazz and Trish get technical in the ring. Victoria drags Trish out of the ring leaving Jazz and Jackie to battle. Jackie hits a suplex for 2 but Vickie breaks the pin. Vickie hits a fireman’s carry into a sidewalk slam but Jazz breaks up the count. Jazz manhandles Vickie and Jackie. Trish comes back into the ring and hits a charging clothesline for 2. Jazz locks Trish in an STF while Jackie has Vickie in a one-legged Boston Crab. Trish reaches the ropes so Jazz kicks Jackie out the ring and applies the STF to Vickie. Trish breaks it up with a dropkick. Jazz hits a chinbreaker on Trish. Trish fights back with a kick thingy that gets only 2. Everyone back in now and Trish hits her headstand hurricanranas on Jazz and Vickie. Trish tries her springboard bulldog but is brutally tossed to the floor. Ouch. Jackie reverses Vickie’s powerbomb something or other into a bridging suplex for 2, thanks to Jazz who breaks up the count. Jazz plants Jackie with the DDT for 3.

Winner: Jazz at 4:50 *

Analysis: It was a sloppy but innocent affair. It deserves at least one star for effort. I am not a big fan of WWE women’s wrestling anyway.

WWE Title Stretcher Match: Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

First man to put their opponent in a stretcher and roll them across the yellow line is the winner. Am I watching Wild and Crazy Kids? Show comes out with his on stretcher. Show attacks Lesnar with the stretcher in the ring but Lesnar ducks and ends up with the stretcher. He beats Show with it and then clotheslines him out of the ring with the orange EMT equipment. On the outside, the two trade punches until Lesnar shoves Show into the stretcher set up against the ringpost. Brock rams the stretcher cart into Big Show’s face. Now unlike the stretcher shots themselves, that looked like it hurt. Show tosses Lesnar on the cart gut first. Show grabs the stretcher AKA a silly plastic board and slams it over Lesnar’s back. Show chokeslams Lesnar then places the plastic board under Lesnar’s body. LEGDROP OF DOOM! Show clotheslines Lesnar off the cart on the outside. They beat on each other more but Lesnar gets the advantage with the camera cable choke! Lesnar drags Show onto the cart with the cable still wrapped around his neck. He tries to pull Show towards the yellow line but the cable causes both men to go flying. Ouch. Lesnar does a pull-up on the stage and kicks Show away. He then SPEARS Show down the aisle. Lesnar hits a bodyslam onto the cart but Show just bounces off. They play tug of war with the stretcher. Show wins as Lesnar is forced into the ring apron. Show looks so winded. Lesnar knocks Show off the ring apron onto another cart. Lesnar walks to the back. What? Ohhh, he brings out Rey to get revenge for the evil doings from a couple weeks earlier. That doesn’t matter because Show murders Rey with a clothesline. Lesnar is back, driving a FORKLIFT? Wow. He dives from the forklift onto Show in a hell of an athletic spot! Lesnar is pissed! Spear into the corner is followed by a vertical suplex and an FU more than an F5. Lesnar rolls Show onto the forklift and drives him across the yellow line for the win. That was a sports-entertainment finish right there.

Winner: Brock Lesnar at 15:30 **

Analysis: This could have been much worse. If Brock hadn’t fired up towards the end of the match we are looking at only one star. Show, as fat and out of shape as he was, totally killed this contest. And why did we need Rey out there? Lesnar should have destroyed Show in around 7-8 minutes and called it a day. As much as the lack of workrate bogged this match down I enjoyed the punishment dished out by both men.

The 411: Do not buy this DVD. If you MUST watch a match from this DVD, find the Guerrero/Tajiri/Team Angle ladder match. Other than that, this was a terrible show filled with over the hill "talent" and worthless booking. Avoid.
Final Score:  2.0   [ Very Bad ]