The SmarK RAW Rant – September 24 / 2001

The SmarK RAW Rant for September 24 2001

” It is a lovely thing to live with courage, and die leaving an everlasting fame. To be fameworthy is the most honorable of aspirations, the incentives of the best men to the greatest achievements.”
– Alexander the Great

– Your theme this week: The power of positive thinking.

– Live from Columbus, OH

– Your hosts are JR & Paul E.

– Opening match: Undertaker & Kane & Bradshaw v. The Dudley Boyz & Test. Bradshaw goes after Test to start, and clubbers him. Dudleyz pound him in the corner, but Bradshaw slams D-Von and Kane works him over. Sideslam and Kane goes up with the flying clothesline, but Test boots him down for two. Kane meets stairs outside, and people brawl in the ring. Bubba works Kane with elbows for two. Test pounds Kane in the corner, but gets powerslammed in perhaps the laziest way possible. Hot tag UT, he’s punching people, ayup. Dudleyz stop a chokeslam attempt, but Bradshaw takes out Bubba and the Poochiebomb finishes D-Von at 4:51. Kronik appears to have disappeared off the face of the earth and been erased from history at the same time. Well, life goes on. Match was slower than molasses and Undertaker going over again serves absolutely no purpose. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Stacy & Torrie argue over their men, although Stacy seems to have forgotten that she’s been with Stasiak for a month now. Stacy doesn’t see what’s so great about Tajiri, and decides to find someone tall dark and handsome to challenge him on her behalf tonight. I mean, really, is this the best they can think of for these two?

– Meanwhile, Christian arrives, singing his own entrance music. They think it’s Austin ready to make his big arrival and speech, but it’s not. The teeming millions are apparently just around the corner waiting to mob him, so he grabs a security guy and demands an escort to the dressing room. If ever a situation called for them to sign Ralphus, the ultimate bodyguard to the deluded, out of truck-driving oblivion and dust him off for the sake of cheap humor, THIS IS IT.

– Meanwhile, Shane gives the Alliance a peptalk and hypes the impending arrival of Steve Austin, who is ready to arrive any moment and give a big speech. Shane brings up the whole sore subject of the ropes last night, teasing a Delayed Dusty Finish. Tonight is apparently all about revenge, or Steph’s birthday party, depending on which sibling you’re asking. The Alliance MVP is also either RVD or Booker T, again depending on which sibling you ask. To satisfy everyone, we get RVD v. Rock for the WCW title and Angle v. Booker for the WWF title, all TONIGHT. Oh, and Austin’s big return and promo, don’t forget that.

– Tajiri v. Tazz. MIDGET MADNESS! See, it’s funny that Tazz is Stacy’s new guy, because she wanted someone TALL, and Tazz is SHORT. Oh, the hilarity. Did I mention that Steve Austin will be arriving and cutting a big promo and possibly beating up JR and stuff? Because JR & Paul sure seem to be mentioning it a lot. Big kick from Tajiri to start, and he lays in the choppage. Tazz suplexes him and works the ribs, however. Crowd dies. Lariat, but Tajiri superkicks him and hits the handspring elbow and Tarantula. Big kick, but Stacy pops up and smooches him. Tazzmission finishes at 2:15. Wow, Tajiri jobs again, great use of him. ј*

– Meanwhile, Shane gets Booker T all hyped.

– US title: Rhyno v. Jeff Hardy. Don’t forget, Steve Austin will be arriving any minute now, and he’s PISSED and is gonna break stuff and beat people up. Jeff works the arm but gets it reversed. Jeff tosses Rhyno, and follows with a rana on the floor. Back in, he walks into a spinebuster for a double KO. Jeff with a legdrop for two, but he gets suplexed. Corkscrew senton sets up the swanton, but it misses, GOAR GOAR GOAR finishes at 3:36 as Jeff tries to rebound in the corner and gets flattened. Dead match, cute finish. Ѕ*

– (WHOOSH) Meanwhile, the Hurricane consults with Storm & Ivory about the six-man tonight. Storm isn’t terribly impressed with having to activate the Hurritwin Powers before the match. (WHOOSH)

– Meanwhile, Kanyon is seeking advice for when Austin arrives all good and pissed off, and finds sage wisdom from RVD: Be cool, man. This guy should write a book.

– Lance Storm, Hurricane & Ivory v. Big Show, Spike Dudley & Molly Holly. Nice tights there, Spike. Stick with fatigues. Hurricane decides to try a test of super-strength against Big Show, and that goes about as you’d expect it. Ivory tries with Show, same deal. Molly gets a Northern Lights suplex on her for two, but Ivory drops a knee for two. Molly rollup gets two, but Storm comes in…and gets held back by Hurricane. Spike comes in to clean house, but gets superkicked by Storm and killed in general. Hurricane dons his CLOAK OF POWER, but screws up a bodypress and gets two anyway. Spike headscissors him, hot tag Show. He takes care of business, but Ivory goes low. Show shrugs them off, and cannonballs Molly onto Storm for the pin at 4:19. Good use of Storm’s talents there. Match was oddly sloppy, too, but decent for what it was. * You have to think that for all the TV time they’re giving to Hurricane, they either have to fish or cut bait with the character – either make him into an actual threat to justify the push, or turn him into a comedy figure and keep him in the openers. Pushing a joke figure up the ranks doesn’t really help anyone.

– Meanwhile, Shane goes spaztic on Earl Hebner, and shows him the videotape of the World title match. Hebner admits his mistake, but the decision stands. He swears on his children’s heads not to screw Booker over tonight. Oh, wait, sorry, I’m thinking of someone else there.

– WWF title match: Kurt Angle v. Booker T. The beginning of Hour Two seems like kind of an ignominious position for the WWF title match, but it’s their show. Angle grabs a quick suplex for two, but walks into an elbow for two. Rollup gets two, but the Book grabs a headlock. Angle takes him down and goes for the anklelock, but Booker makes the ropes. Enzuigiri turns the tide, as he keeps hammering Angle’s bed neck, and gets two off a sidekick. Kneedrop to the neck freaks out JR. Choking follows. Booker hits the chinlock until Angle fights back, but Angle walks into the flying forearm for two. Chops are laid in like grease on Pizza Hut. Slugfest and Angle overpowers Booker, and a belly-to-belly and german suplex get two. Angle Slam is reversed, and the ref is bumped. Axe kick and Booker grabs the belt, Angle gets KO’d for two, and I think there was one guy in Wisconsin who actually bought that as a near fall. Bookend is reversed to a Northern Lights suplex for two, but Booker comes back with the SPINAROONI. Axe kick misses, anklelock doesn’t and gets the submission at 8:57. Slow start, but the psychology worked well. **3/4 If they’re trying to build to Austin-Angle III, I think that’s a bad idea, though, because Angle isn’t over enough to justify a third PPV main event in a row against the same guy. I think they’d be better off blowing it off on Smackdown with Austin winning the belt back and building to Austin-RVD instead.

– Meanwhile, Kanyon hits on Lita. She makes fun of his speech impediment to shoot him down. What a bitch. Especially since Matt Hardy barely even speaks English.

– Intercontinental title: Christian v. Chris Jericho. Christian tries to do a solo 5-second pose, but Jericho interrupts. Lethargic pop for Chris tonight, but he seems mightily pissed. Have we mentioned that Steve Austin will be here tonight to take revenge on those who wronged him? Because he will, you know. Jericho takes out his aggression on Christian, and even JR notices. Missile dropkick and he lays in the chops, but gets backbreakered and choked. Chops from Christian as he embraces his Canadian heritage, and a backbreaker gets two. Jericho hotshots and hits the forearm, but the Lionsault misses and Christian bails. Baseball slide follows him out, but he grabs the bell for the DQ at 2:38. Cheap finish. One-man conchairto misses and Jericho puts him in the walls to vent more anger. Match was nothing special. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, X-Pac ruins William Regal’s nice chair with his odor, which Regal quickly notices and bitches him out until a match is made for later tonight.

– Meanwhile, now Raven seeks advice from RVD, who suggests a more positive outlook for the gloomy Raven. I have a very, very bad feeling about where this is going to lead, and anyone who’s followed Raven’s career can probably guess the same thing, too. If it IS what I think, it’ll be funny for about two weeks and then he’ll just be jobbing again, so I hope they don’t try it.

– Matt Hardy v. Kanyon. Matt attacks to start, moonsault press gets two. Kanyon hotshots him and goes to Lita, but gets slapped. Why is Kanyon all of a sudden a leering pervert out of nowhere? Do we need ANOTHER comedy figure in the Alliance? Back in, he gets a neckbreaker and neckdrop for two. Matt rolls him up for two as Kanyon shakes his moneymaker at Lita. Well, that’s pleasant. Legsweep and Matt goes up and gets the yodelling legdrop. Kanyon bails and Lita ranas him. Back in, Twist of Fate is blocked and Matt accidentally collides with Lita, who had no business being on the apron anyway, and the Flatliner finishes at 4:05. Okay but flat. *

– Meanwhile, DDP sends in a tape to announce his impending return, and apparently he has a more positive outlook too, in fact one that the more cynical type might assume would foretell a change to a motivational speaker gimmick. That’s one damn creepy smile, though.

– The Rock cuts his usual awesome promo, promising birthday spankings for Stephanie, and he even sings her a personalized version of Happy Birthday which should actually cost the WWF a few bucks in royalties.

– X-Pac v. William Regal. Heel heat for both, oddly enough. Wrestling sequence to start, and Regal pounds him on the mat. X-Pac spinkicks him and chokes away. Suplex gets two. Regal comes back but gets clotheslined for two. Broncobuster, but Regal gets the neckbreaker for the pin at 2:27. Just filler, and not particularly necessary filler at that. Ѕ* But fear not, because with only about 15 minutes left in the show, Austin has to be getting here sometime, right? I mean, they keep cutting back to the parking garage to show his parking spot, so they’re building to SOMETHING, right?

– WCW title match: The Rock v. Rob Van Dam. The birthday girl joins us at ringside, apparently with two birthday cakes hidden down her blouse for later consumption. Rock works a headlock and they face off. Rock Bottom is blocked and Rob dumps him. They brawl and Rock gets suplexed onto the railing and guillotined. Back in, flying sidekick gets two for Rob. Rock suplexes him for two, majastral cradle gets two. Rob trips him and hits the rolling splash for two. Back out, Rob abuses the announce table, but gets backdropped onto it. Good thing he prepped it in advance. Back in, Rock gets the spinebuster for two, but a blind charge misses. Rob misses the moonsault, but Steph slaps Rock and Rob gets two. Rock lays the smackdown and a DDT sets up the Sharpshooter. Rock breaks again to go after Steph and he drags her in, nearly dislodging the funbags a couple of times, but Rob clocks him and goes up. Steph shoves the ref around, however, right into the ropes, crotching Rob by accident, and Rock Bottom finishes at 8:18. Decent match, but there wasn’t actually much going on for the most part. **1/4

– By the way, Austin never did arrive. I’ve heard of fashionably late, but this is ridiculous…

The Bottom Line: Pretty much a nothing show, as there was no real momentum coming off the PPV and this show came across like something written on a napkin two hours beforehand. They desperately need some longterm direction before the new shows debut in the fall because most of this stuff is going nowhere fast and even Rock is losing the ratings touch. And what was the point of the bait-and-switch with Austin the whole show?

Nothing to see this week, move right along…