The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Creepshow 2

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #457: Creepshow 2

Anthology April: Week 2

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that will never hitchhike, go swimming in a lake, or fuck around with anyone who has an old wooden Indian statue on their property because of this issue’s movie, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and fifty-seven, Anthology April continues with the terrific sequel Creepshow 2, which hit movie screens back in the spring on 1987.

Creepshow 2

Creepshow 2, directed by frequent George A. Romero cinematographer Michael Gornick, features three more horrific cinematic segments inspired by stories from horror master Stephen King and a screenplay by Creepshow director George A. Romero. The general consensus on Creepshow 2 is that it isn’t as good as the first one. Instead of five segments, part 2 only has three. Part 2 features what has been described as “crude” animation interludes to break up the segments. It also apparently doesn’t have the same “sheen” as the first movie (it also doesn’t have the same kind of all-star Hollywood cast that the first movie had). While I do love the first Creepshow, I have to say that I actually prefer part 2. I like that it’s shorter and faster paced, the special effects are nastier, and it’s much funnier than the first movie.

The first segment, “Old Chief Wood’nhead,” features an old married couple, Ray and Martha Spruce, played by George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour, operating a general store in the middle of a run-down desert town out west somewhere. One night, their store is attacked by three thugs (Sam Whitemoon, played by Holt McCallany, Andy Cavenaugh, played by Don Harvey, and Fatso Gribbens, played by David Holbrook). In the midst of destroying the place, stealing merchandise, and jacking Martha’s purse, thug leader Whitemoon demands Ray give up the old Indian jewels that his uncle Ben Whitemoon (Frank Salsedo) left at the store earlier in the day. Ray doesn’t want to give the jewels up as they are important to the local Indian tribe and Ray has tremendous respect for the tribe and Ben. Sam insists. But before Ray can actually give them up, Sam shoots and kills both Martha and Ray. Sam then shoots up the front of the store and the old wooden Indian statue outside. All of this violence brings the Indian statue to life, and the Old Chief Wood’nhead of the title goes on a revenge spree, taking out Sam’s gang with terrifying, brutal efficiency.

I’ll admit that this segment is a tad slow, especially when Ben Whitemoon is explaining what the old Indian jewels are all about, but when Sam shows up and robs the store the story kicks it into high gear. And when the Old Chief comes to life things get freaky damn fast. The performer inside the Old Chief costume does an outstanding job as the revenge seeking statue, and the idea of that thing coming to life still gives me the willies just thinking about.

George Kennedy is incredibly sympathetic as Ray Spruce (his old man shuffle will make you feel for him), and Holt McCallany makes Sam Whitemoon an absolute piece of shit. David Holbrook does a great job being awful, too, as Fatso Gribbens. Why the hell did he like to be called Fatso? Who would put up that kind of shit, even from a “friend?”

The second segment, “The Raft,” has four college friends driving out to a secluded lake for some swimming, weed smoking, and general fucking around. When the four friends (Deke, played by Paul Satterfield, Randy, played by Daniel Beer, Laverne, played by Jeremy Green, and Rachel, played by Pahe Hannah) get to the lake they strip to their swimsuits quickly and hit the water. As they swim out to the floating raft in the middle of the water, Randy notices a strange mass in the water, too, a mass that seems to like to eat ducks. When the friends get to the raft the strange mass sets itself up right next to them. Randy is terrified of the mass, Deke and Laverne are too busy fucking around with one another to really notice the thing, and Rachel just wants to touch it. Big fucking mistake. The mass reaches out and pulls Rachel into it, painfully consuming her. Deke and Laverne notice this, and suddenly the remaining three friends need a plan. How the hell are they going to get off the raft and back to shore without getting eaten?

This is the segment that should have started off the movie. It has the best pacing, the best interaction amongst the characters (Zeke is the jock asshole that everyone wants to be, Laverne is the hot babe girlfriend of Zeke, Randy is the nerdy guy that wants to be like Zeke and bang Laverne, and Rachel is the nerdy girl that happens to be Randy’s girlfriend who is pissed that Randy won’t pay attention to her), and its monster is goddamn scary as hell. Yes, it looks like a giant floating garbage bag, but when it jumps into action things get disgusting fast. Being consumed by that thing really does look painful.

And speaking of painful, check out the scene where Zeke gets pulled through the top of the raft. Look at the way Zeke’s leg snaps up as he’s pulled into the abyss.

And then there’s the ending. When Randy manages to swim back to shore and assumes that he “beat” the monster, the story should be over. It isn’t. The monster shoots up into the air like a giant ocean wave and comes crashing down on Randy. This happens in like three seconds. It’s a jump scare that still, to this day, gets to me.

I love this segment. Again, this is the segment that should have started off the movie.

The final segment, “The Hitchhiker,” has bored, rich housewife Annie Lansing (Lois Chiles) trying to get back home late at night from a sex session with her boyfriend (David Beecroft) before her husband. In the midst of driving and not really paying attention to the road, Annie hits and kills a hitchhiker (Tom Wright). Instead of seeing if the hitchhiker is okay and alive and getting help, Annie decides to drive off and act like nothing happened. While driving away, Annie talks herself through a plan that would explain the damage to the car, but before she can execute that plan the hitchhiker shows up behind her. The hitchhiker isn’t exactly alive, though. Instead, he’s become this super persistent sort of zombie that wants to tell Annie, “Thanks for the ride, lady.” The hitchhiker just won’t give up, and the vehicular carnage and stunt work escalates. The final image of the chunked up hitchhiker attacking Annie in her garage will give you nightmares.

“The Hitchhiker” is phenomenal on just about every level. Again, the vehicular carnage and the stunt work done by Tom Wright is amazing to behold, and the way the story plays out is hilarious. No matter what poor Annie does to that hitchhiker, that hitchhiker just won’t give up. Wright should have received some sort of special acting award for his performance. And Lois Chiles is terrific as Annie. The way she tries to convince herself that what she’s doing is the right thing is fun to watch. I love how, after she destroys her car trying to destroy the hitchhiker, she tries to convince herself that what she just did must have been a dream. Because of course it was. And be on the lookout for Stephen King as a truck driver. It’s cool to see him acting again, and he manages to get in a few good lines.

The wraparound story involves both live action segments and animated segments. The first live action sections see a kid (Billy, as played by Domenick John) looking to get the latest edition of the “Creepshow” comic book from the fucked up looking Creep (Tom Savini). You can’t really tell that Savini is playing the Creep, but he does do a nice job being creepy (ha) under heavy makeup. Although I do wonder if anyone, even a messed up kid like Billy, would ever go near a guy that looks like the Creep. I know I wouldn’t.

The animated segments show the Creep, voiced by Joe Silver, introducing all of the segments, and Billy being chased by bullies after going to the post office to pick up a package of Venus fly traps that he sent away for. The animation isn’t the cleanest looking, isn’t what one would call smooth, but it does have a certain character to it that makes it fit in nicely with the rest of the movie. And I have to say I love it when Billy brings the bullies to a vacant lot where the bullies are then eaten by gigantic Venus fly traps (those plants “like meat,” after all). The fat bully’s terrified face is a thing of beauty as the plant taps him in its mouth.

The final live action segment shows Savini’s Creep in the back of a truck, throwing out issues of the “Creepshow” comic as the truck drives off down the road. It’s a great way to end the movie because it promises that there are always more stories to tell and there are more fucked up small towns to deliver the comic book to. It’s just too bad that we didn’t get a proper part three while Romero was still alive.

I’m still getting through the Creepshow 2 Blu-ray from the fine folks at Arrow Video, a home video release that horror movie nerds should absolutely have. I still need to listen to the Gornick commentary track, which, I’m hoping, will offer up some info as to why Creepshow 2 is the only movie he directed. Creepshow 2 shows that Gornick had the eye for directing, and he should have been given another chance beyond the TV shows he directed. Why did he stop?

The special effects from Ed French, Howard Berger, and Greg Nicotero are all top notch stuff (even the floating garbage bag). The “Old Chief Wood’nhead” segment should have been gorier (I wanted to see the Chief actually scalp Sam), but I do have to commend the people behind the shotgun blast into the side of Martha’s body. Watch how the blood in Martha’s body shows through her dress. Freaky as hell.

And the music is brilliant, especially the new “Creepshow” theme. Composter Les Reed did a great job with it.

I’m also a fan of the way the Creep introduces each segment. It helps set up the next segment and gives the movie more personality. I didn’t like the way the first Creepshow just moved on to the next segment. Having a host is the right way to go.

I think it’s high time that Creepshow 2 get the respect that it deserves. It’s a terrific follow up to a classic horror anthology and actually manages to outdo the original. I love this movie. Please, if you’ve never seen it, check it out, and if you haven’t seen it in a while, check it out again. It’s way better than you remember it. Get that Arrow Video Blu-ray.

See Creepshow 2. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 15 (I’m including the animated segment, too)

Undead bodies: 1, 2 if you count the wooden Indian statue.

Explosions: None.

Nudity?: Yes.

Doobage: Creepy old man dropping off comic books, sudden animation, a cool opening titles sequence, feeding meat to a giant lizard, an old desert town in the middle of nowhere, an old wooden Indian statue, a nagging but loving wife, old Indian bullshit, a bag full of old Indian jewelry, a violent robbery, shit getting destroyed for no reason, photo machine hooey, pinball machine hooey, shotgun to the side, shotgun blast to the gut, barfing, more random destruction, a wooden statue that decides to come alive, war paint hooey, a wicked scream, multiple arrows to the body, bloody death by tomahawk, wall breaking, off screen scalping, four friends going to the lake, super cold water, a wooden raft, a giant mass floating in the water that also seems to be able to eat ducks, dope smoking, strange mass touching, oily monster vines, full body eating, more barfing, threats, monster mass pulling a guy through the wood raft, serious leg breaking, spending the night on the raft, body heat sharing, unwanted kissing, unwanted breast touching, unwanted stomach kissing, face eating, a person being turned into a skeleton, frenzied swimming, a leaping wave of strange monster mass, burping, asshole bullies picking on a kid reading a comic book while riding his bike, Venus fly trap destruction, testicle kicking, after sex nudity, bullshit about wind up clocks being better than digital clocks, cigarette smoking, losing control of the car, hitchhiker killing, classical music on the radio, a dead person that just won’t stay dead, hand a wrist crushing, dead guy hanging onto the side of a moving car, tree hitting, hand shooting, bullet through the face, backing over a dead body, an insane stunt where a guy hangs onto the front of a car as it drives down a hill, more tree hitting, a seriously damaged Mercedes Benz, snow, garage hooey, a dead body that looks like walking pizza, strangulation, a seriously fucked up cartoon, bully eating, and an ending that suggests there are always more stories to tell.

Kim Richards?: Big time.

Gratuitous: Tom Savini in heavy makeup, live action that moves into animation, George Kennedy, George Kennedy singing “Jimmy Crack Corn” while trying to paint an old wooden Indian, whatever the hell language the Indians speak, attempted one upsmanship on what to stick into George Kennedy’s mouth, a fat guy eating licorice, an Indian wanting to be a movie star, a “Creepshow” comic book on sale in George Kennedy’s store, and old wooden Indian statue that comes alive to seek revenge, the Cisco Kid on TV, an Iron Maiden poster, weed smoking, talk of how it’s s cold the men’s testicles will turn into ice cubes, a strange floating mass that looks like a giant garbage bag, asshole wearing a speedo, attempted rape, a “No Swimming” sign covered up by trees, a fat kid with spurs, talking while driving, distracted driving, car phone hooey, Stephen King as a truck driver, a dead body that just won’t stay dead, escalating vehicular carnage, animated bully comeuppance, and an ending that suggests there are always more stories to tell.

Best lines: “There. That ain’t too bad. That ain’t too bad at all,” “Well, there are worst things to inherit than good intentions,” “You’re too good to these people, Ray,” “Benjamin, there’s no way in hell I’m going to take these things away from your people,” “Keep them safe. I’ll guard them with my life,” “Oh, this is good country, Martha. It will come back to life one day,” “Shut up, white eyes. Shut the fuck up,” “Why didn’t you ask us to leave, prune face?,” “Over here, lady!,” “Look at this,” “Hey! One more step and blam!,” “Let’s go, fat stuff. We’ve got some money that needs spending,” “There ain’t no dust in Hollywood!,” “We leave tonight!,” “Loco!,” “You’ll regret double crossing me, Cisco,” “Now, may your spirit rest, old warrior,” “Creepshow is not a funny paper. And this is not a toy,” “Still here, kiddies?,” “I feel the need, the need for weed!,” “You’re actually gonna do it, swim out to the raft?,” “Come on, it’s not so bad once you’re in,” “You think it’s cold now, wait until you get out!,” “Don’t tip the raft! Don’t tip the raft, baby!,” “Randy, have you gone crazy?,” “It looked like it was going after the girls,” “Mucho ecological, Pancho, much ecological,” “Then what is it, Randy? What is it?,” “Help! It hurts! It hurts!,” “Hey, what is that shit, Pancho?,” “I’m tired, Laverne,” “I’m cold. Me, too,” “I beat you! Whatever you are, I beat you!,” “Well, kiddies, that was slick, huh?,” “What are you going to do with this, plant it and grow more pansies like yourself?,” “I want his ass!,” “Something must be wrong with your alarm clock,” “You charge by the orgasm,” “I’ve got a good attorney. My husband. And I don’t want to lose him,” “I went to get laid, George,” “Hey, buddy! What the fuck happened?,” “Looks like a black guy, huh?,” “Hey, what’s happening? What’s happening? A guy got creamed, that’s what’s happening. Happens all the time,” “I can always turn myself in if I find out that I can’t live with it,” “How ya doing, lady? Thanks, thanks for the ride,” “Thanks for the ride, lady!,” “I got you! I got you!,” “Who is he? Who the hell is he? Christ!,” “That’ll cost you, Mrs. Lansing,” “I hit a tree. I hit a tree, that’s all. The whole thing was a dream. There was no hitchhiker. There was nobody at all. Oh, Jesus,” “You are one screwed up broad, Mrs. Lansing,” “There’s a lesson for you, kiddies. Never pick up a hitchhikers… on the hood of your car!,” and “It’s time for this boogeyman to boogie!.”

Rating: 8.5/10.0

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Things to Watch Out For This Week

–Braven: Jason Momoa stars in this action thriller about a badass logger that has to protect his family from some violent scumbags, one of who is played by the great Garrett Dillahunt. Stephen Lang is also apparently in it. The reviews for this movie, at least the ones that I’ve seen, have been mixed, but I think it’s good that Momoa is out there making these lowish budget action movies. The world could always use more of them. And, heck, what the heck is he Momoa going to do if Aquaman fails? It’s not like there’s going to be another Justice League movie anytime soon. Yeah, he’s the new Crow, but do we really need that movie, either? I’d much rather see stuff like Braven. Anyone out there see this?

–Proud Mary: I missed this action drama starring the gorgeous Taraji P. Henson as hit woman in Boston when it was in theatres, so I have no idea if the scathing reviews for it are justified, I thought it looked interesting and am annoyed that I didn’t make more of an effort to check it out. Neal McDonough and Roger Murtaugh hisself, Danny Glover, are also in it in some capacity. Very rentable at the moment. Anyone out there see this?

–Gone are the Days: This low budget western has an all-star cast, with Lance Henriksen, Tom Berenger, and Machete hisself, Danny Trejo. The trailer seems to suggest that it’s more drama than badass western, as star Henriksen’s character seems to be going through some stuff (the man loves his alcohol, it seems). I bet he gives a terrific performance, and if it isn’t terrific it will no doubt be watchable. So that’s cool. And there does appear to be some action in it, so it has that going for it, too. Rentable.

–Full Moon High: The fine folks at Shout!/Scream Factory are set to release this classic horror comedy from the early 1980’s, written and directed by the great Larry Cohen. The Blu-ray will have a commentary track with Cohen, which is sure to be worth the price of the disc. I haven’t seen this movie in years and, after checking out the movie’s imdb page, it has an amazing cast. Adam Arkin stars, along with Roz Kelly, Ed McMahon, Bill “Coach Graham Lubbock” Kirchenbauer, Alan Arkin, Pat Morita, and Demond Wilson (fucking Lamont!). Scream Factory is kicking ass lately, isn’t it?

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Ash vs. Evil Dead is back!

Check out my reviews for the third season below!

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7

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B-Movie News

–The Martial Arts Kid 2 Kickstarter has begun!: The Martial Arts Kid 2: Payback, the sequel to the family action comedy The Martial Arts Kid featuring action movie and martial arts legends Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Cynthia Rothrock, has just started a Kickstarter campaign. This campaign is meant to wrap up the funds for the upcoming production and is a great way to ensure that the sequel is bigger and better than the first one.

Go check out the movie’s Kickstarter page here and see what it’s all about. The video testimonial from Wilson and Rothrock is also worth a watch as it explains what the essence of The Martial Arts Kid is all about. Oh, and be sure to check out my interviews with Payback stars Mathew Ziff and Brandon Tyler Russell for even more info about this movie.

–First The First Purge trailer released… and Marisa Tomei is in it!: Holy crap, did anyone see that happening? Did Universal or Blumhouse announce who was going to be in The Purge prequel at any point during production of the movie? I don’t remember reading anything. And now, with the debut of the first official trailer for The First Purge, we find out that Oscar winner Marisa Tomei is in it, and her character is basically the creator of “The Purge.”

At the same time, this Purge seems like it’s going to be the most political of the franchise, which is odd considering the last one took place during an election year in The Purge universe and was called Election Year.

I love The Purge movies. I’ve been a fan since the beginning and can’t wait for this one to come out. July 4th can’t get here fast enough for me.

Anyone else out there stoked about The First Purge and the presence of Marisa Tomei?

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Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!

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Next Issue: Anthology April continues with Hi-8 (Horror Independent 8)!

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Interviews

david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin
Dylan Reynolds
Paul Kyriazi(2)
Lincoln Bevers

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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.

B-movies rule. Always remember that.

Creepshow 2

“Old Chief Wood’nhead”

George Kennedy– Ray Spruce
Dorothy Lamour– Martha Spruce
Frank Salsedo– Ben Whitemoon
Holt McCallany– Sam Whitemoon
David Holbrook– Fatso Gribbens
Don Harvey– Andy Cavenaugh
Dan Kamin– Old Chief Wood’nhead

“The Raft”

Paul Satterfield– Deke
Daniel Beer– Randy
Jeremy Green– Laverne
Page Hannah– Rachel

“The Hitchhiker”

Lois Chiles– Annie Lansing
Tom Wright– The Hitchhiker
Richard Parks– George Lansing
Stephen King– Truck Driver
David Beercroft– Annie’s lover

“Wraparound”

Tom Savini– The Creep
Domenick John– Billy
Joe Silver– The Creep (voice- animated sections)

Directed by Michael Gornick
Screenplay by George A. Romero, based on stories by Stephen King

Distributed by New World Pictures, New World Video, Starmaker Entertainment, Anchor Bay Entertainment, Image Entertainment, and Arrow Video

Rated R for graphic violence, language, some nudity and drug use.
Runtime– 92 minutes

Buy it here