Movies & TV / Columns
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Victor Crowley
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #483: Victor Crowley
The 2018 October Horrorthon: Week 5
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that is pleading with all of you, Jesus Christ, stay out of the goddamn woods because it isn’t going to end well for anyone (how many times do you have to be told this? Goddamit!), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and eighty-three, The 2018 October Horrorthon concludes with the latest entry in the Hatchet slasher movie series, Victor Crowley, which was released in August of 2017.
Victor Crowley
The first two Hatchet movies, Hatchet and Hatchet II, were pretty good slasher flicks. They were well made, funny, and gory as hell. The third movie, Hatchet III, was just awful (in fact, unlike the first two movies, part three was nothing more than mean spirited garbage). I assumed that the reason for the change in quality was that franchise creator Adam Green directed the first two movies but only wrote and produced the third one (part three was directed by BJ McDonnell). McDonnell made a technically proficient movie that certainly “looked” good, but it came off as a soulless exercise that was just boring as hell. I wasn’t interested in seeing the franchise continue at all. When Green announced that he had made a fourth Hatchet movie, in secret, and had returned to the director’s chair, I suddenly became interested in another one (I know that if McDonnell had come back I would have avoided it). I had no idea if a fourth Hatchet would be any good, I knew that it would, at least, have heart. That seems like an odd quality for a slasher movie franchise, but that’s what the first two Hatchet movies had. I didn’t think Green would jettison that for an even more sadistically violent franchise entry, to sort of outdo part three.
Well, I’m happy to say that the fourth Hatchet movie, Victor Crowley, is a return to form for the franchise. It’s funny, it’s gory, it’s insane, and it’s fun. I don’t think I’ve had as much fun with a slasher movie in quite some time.
Victor Crowley stars franchise regular Parry Shen as Andrew Yong, one of the few survivors of mass murderer Victor Crowley. Ten years after the events of the first movie, Yong has written a book about that night, I, Survivor, in order to cash in on what happened to him and, in essence, deal with what happened then and in the other two movies. Very few people approve of Yong’s attempt to “make money off of Crowley’s victims,” including his ex-wife Sabrina (Krystal Joy Brown), who hosts a talk show that Yong goes on to promote the book. During his appearance on the show it’s floated that Yong may actually be the real killer in the Crowley murders and that his book and book tour are just a big scheme to hide his crimes. We know that’s bullshit, of course, but then the general public doesn’t seem to believe in the obviously supernatural Crowley being, well, supernatural and unkillable. Victor Crowley is just a story anyway. An urban legend. A scam story to sell to tourists.
Even with plenty of detractors, Yong goes ahead with the book tour. His first stop is a disaster, as Yong is forced to deal with assholes and lunatics and one guy who wants Yong to autograph his penis (Yong signed a woman’s breasts so it’s only fair that Yong sign a fat guy’s wang, at least that’s what the fat guy believes). During this tour stop, Yong’s agent Kathleen (a hilarious Felissa Rose) gets an offer for a big TV interview that Yong just can’t pass up. Unfortunately for Yong, the interview is set to take place in the old swamp that the Crowley murders happened in. Yong doesn’t want to go back to the swamp. He vowed never to return. The interview money is just too good to pass up, though, and Yong reluctantly goes. Yong and Kathleen get on a plane to head to the swamp. It’s here that Yong finds out that Sabrina is the one producing the interview. Dealing with his ex-wife again? Goddamit, how can this situation get any worse?
Now, while all of that is going on, three friends (Chloe, Rose, and Alex, as played by Katie Booth, Laura Ortiz, and Chase Williamson) are in the midst of making a trailer to raise funds for a movie they want to make about Victor Crowley. Chloe went to Yong’s book signing and planned on pitching him the trailer to see if he wanted to appear in it, but she didn’t get the chance to do so. Pissed off at the missed opportunity, they all head to the Crowley swamp to get what footage they can. Yong or no Yong, this trailer and movie will happen.
So Chloe, Rose, and Alex head to the swamp and start setting up the shoot. One of the things Chloe wants to do is get someone reciting the old voodoo curse that summoned Crowley in the swamp. No one really knows the words, though, so they start looking for the right words on YouTube. The friends also interact with local tour guide and goofball Dillon (Dave Sheridan). Why the hell can’t they find someone who knows how to say the words?
It’s at this point that Yong’s plane flies over the swamp, one of the plane’s engines explodes, and the plane starts descending into the swamp. At the same time, a body from the encroaching plane hits the ground right in front of the three friends. And as all of that is happening, a YouTube video finally pops up with the right words.
Oh shit. The right words? In the swamp? Victor Crowley is coming back!
And, yes, that’s exactly what happens. Victor Crowley comes back, and all bloody hell breaks loose. Yong’s plane crash clearly won’t be the worst thing to happen to anyone in the general vicinity of the old swamp.
I was surprised at how long it took Victory Crowley, once again played by the legendary Kane Hodder, to show up in the main story. We do see Crowley at the very beginning of the movie in a flashback scene where he dismembers a young couple who made the mistake of going to the old swamp back in 1964, but he doesn’t become a big deal to the main cast until about halfway through the movie. We know that he’s coming and that when he does show up he’s going to start doing nasty shit, but the anticipation of his arrival is almost as good as any ridiculously gory kill scene. And when Crowley does, finally, show up, the tension kicks in because who the heck is going to die first? And how are they going to die? And who the heck will survive? Will anyone survive?
The scenes on the crashed plane are terrific, as the survivors of the crash have to deal with both internal threats (the plane is taking on water and Casey, played by the always wonderful Tiffany Shepis, is trapped under a broken seat and can’t get out. If the others on the plane can’t get Casey out from under the chair she will eventually drown) and external threats (Victor Crowley is just outside). Yong tells everyone to stay on the plane no matter what, but most of them want to get out of the wreckage, Victor Crowley or no Victor Crowley. Some of the survivors do heed Yong’s advice, others don’t. At the same time, the three friends try to help the survivors when Victor Crowley isn’t around. When Crowley is around, though, they get on the plane, too. What the hell else are they going to do?
I enjoyed how, even in the face of certain death, Yong still doesn’t get any respect from anyone. He’s treated like crap even when it’s obvious he knows what he’s talking about when it comes to Victor Crowley. Did Yong embellish his story a bit for his book? Yes, he admits it, but the majority of what he tells about Crowley and dealing with Crowley is essentially true. Crowley is really hard to kill, and even then, is Crowley really dead or just waiting to be resurrected again to continue on doing the same thing again and again?
The kill scenes are all inventive and disgusting, just as they should be. They’re also so ridiculous that you can’t take what’s happening seriously. One of the female characters attacked by Crowley has her arm ripped off and then shoved up her vagina and through her mouth. Disgusting? Absolutely. But how can you take it seriously? It’s insane. There’s also a great looking bit where Crowley decapitates a character using a hammer. How often do you see that happening?
And then there’s the awesome final death sequence, which, I’m assuming, is one of the main reasons the movie has a plane crash in it (well, besides having a static set like the crashed plane in order to save money on locations). If there’s an engine that still works in a movie like Victor Crowley, you know that someone is going through that motherfucker. I think you’ll be surprised at how many people actually go through it.
Green, wisely, keeps the movie at a lean 83 minutes and doesn’t waste time. There’s either a laugh, a scare, a bit of tension, or a gory as hell death scene. There are no wasted moments. That’s how you make a successful slasher movie. Keep it moving and keep it lean. Don’t waste time. And Victor Crowley is a successful slasher movie.
The cast is phenomenal. Parry Shen, who spent the first three movies as a supporting character, shows that he can carry a movie as the lead and does a great job as Andrew Yong. He’s not a perfect person, but he’s also a person who has experienced horrendous things and survived. He’s been damaged by Victor Crowley. How he keeps his head up despite the daily onslaught of lies and innuendo made against him sure is a wonder. And, no, I don’t blame him for freaking out on the crashed plane and demanding no one get off. Yong knows what happens when Victor Crowley shows up. It will be interesting to see how his character progresses through any future sequels.
Felissa Rose is hilarious as Yong’s agent Kathleen. She’s brash, sort of sweet, and attentive to Yong’s need as her client, but she isn’t that attentive. She hasn’t read his book, and you get the sense that if she could get a bigger name client she would drop Yong in a hot second. It’s funny how Kathleen can sleep through major turbulence in the air and sleep through a plane crash. Kathleen also has a box full of drugs. How does she keep track of all of them? Kathleen has the best death scene in the movie.
Dave Sheridan is a hoot as Dillon, the swamp tour guide that ends up stuck in the middle of the new Victor Crowley attack. He’s clueless but resourceful at the same time, and he is the kind of guy you want to back you up if and when you find yourself hunted by a supernatural killer. As the ending of the movie shows, he’s willing to do just about anything to keep his friends safe. Anything.
Krystal Joy Brown does a good job as Sabrina, Yong’s ex-wife and talk show host. She hates Yong but is willing to use him to further her own talk show career. And she never lets up on her hatred of her ex-husband, even with Victor Crowley breathing down her neck. That’s some commitment. Brown is a funny actress, too, and, hopefully this movie leads to more funny parts for her.
Tiffany Shepis does a wonderful job as Casey, one of Sabrina’s TV crew who ends up getting stuck under a broken seat after the plane crashes. It’s sad as hell watching her slowly succumb to the rising tide of the swamp. No one can help her. And when she announces something personally important, it makes her eventual death that much more depressing. The world and life really do suck sometimes. I hope Casey has a twin sister that can show up in a sequel. I want to see Tiffany Shepis kick Victor Crowley’s ass. And Brian Quinn does a great job as Casey’s boyfriend Austin. He’s a dumbass, in a way, but you can’t help but like him anyway.
Laura Ortiz is awesome as Rose, a special make-up effects artist who is friends with Chloe and Alex. She doesn’t seem like a lead character, but when the Victor Crowley shit goes down she becomes one. It’s also funny how she has no problem being naked in front of her friends for no real reason beyond she’s just okay with it. “They’re just boobs, Chloe” should be a character T-shirt.
Katie Booth, as Chloe, seems like the movie’s female lead character as a budding low budget moviemaker who wants to meet with Yong. As the movie progresses, though, she’s actually a supporting character at best. Still, she’s a smart young woman who could have been a decent moviemaker if she hadn’t been attacked in the swamp by Victor Crowley.
And then there’s Kane Hodder as the resurrected, supernatural killer Victor Crowley. Crowley is an unstoppable buzz saw when he’s activated, and he’s terrifying when he starts ripping people to pieces. How do you stop him? Can you stop him? After the way this movie ends, it will be interesting to see how the killer is brought back again. How the hell can this guy be stopped?
I absolutely loved Victor Crowley. It’s funny, gory, and has tons of heart. It’s also a return to form for the Hatchet franchise. Hopefully, Adam Green continues to make Hatchet movies. He knows what he’s doing, and when it comes to Victor Crowley, he’s the only one I want giving that monster direction.
See Victor Crowley. See it, see it, goddamn see it!
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: 14
Explosions: Yes.
Nudity?: Yes. Briefly. It’s nice.
Doobage: People on a boat in a swamp in 1964, runny snot, a very gross kiss, moaning off in the distance, decapitation, axe through the back of the head with eye popping, bloody finger removal, multiple bloody stumps, talk show hooey, boobs, a book signing event, boob signing, attempted penis signing, a big box of pills, a swamp tour, voodoo curse hooey, a plane incident with person getting sucked out of plane, exploding engine, plane crash hooey, a floating book, two very dead pilots, attempted evacuation, motion sensors, a room full of killer relics, hammer through the eye, decapitation via hammer, face smashed through a window, bait, scalping, bloody arm removal, severed arm up through the vagina and out the mouth, serious head stomping, drowning, an emotional breakdown, multiple dead phones, saw city, tree and shrubbery cutting, flare gun hooey, head breaking, yet another decapitation, flare gun to the face, a terrible hatchet throw, plane engine massacre, and a big surprise at the end.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous: A sick joke about Patsy Cline, Kane Hodder, Victor Crowley’s backstory, a question about movie trailers, Felissa Rose, sign defacement, attempted cock signing, a big box of pills, Joe Lynch and Adam Green as airplane pilots, Tiffany Shepis, drawn out pilot announcements, Victor Crowley merchandise, head shots, talk of Staten Island, Tony Tod, using a person as bait, hatchet throwing at a tear, and a big surprise at the end.
Best lines: “I was comfy,” “Dammit, Sue, come on!,” “Isn’t this where the boy died on Halloween?,” “He is so hot. I want to have fifteen babies with him,” “Rose! They’re just boobs, Chloe,” “I think I just got gonorrhea from the shower,” “Murderer! I was exonerated!,” “I’m from Baton Rouge. And I’m Chinese! Are you sure?,” “You… are going to burn… in hell!,” “What’s your problem? Just sign my cock!,” “I’m telling everyone on the Facebook that you’re a homophobe!,” “Over my dead body am I going back. For any amount of money,” “I get migraines when I do stuff,” “A blowjob would have been a lot less painful,” “I have a dick,” “Hey, you know, YouTube is an excellent resource for black magic and occult rituals,” “Acting. You know what they say. It’s all hurry up and wait,” “He’s dead. No shit! He just fell out of the fucking sky!,” “Hey! You’re that guy!,” “I’m not gonna let you drown,” “You are going to stop yelling and get back on the fucking plane right now or I’m going to kill you, do you understand me?,” “Oh, come the fuck on!,” “And he has a knife!,” “Is this even working?,” “You fucking asshole. The window is open right there,” “My pills! Where are my pills?,” “Fix your wig,” “I don’t… have a dick,” “Glam metal sucked in the eighties and it sucks now,” “Shut up, Dylan!,” “YouTube brought Victor Crowley back from the dead? Do you ever hear yourself?,” “I had a YouTube channel,” “Motherfucker!,” “Of all the motherfuckers I could have been in a plane crash with! Fuck me!,” “Hey! I got the engine going!,” “Hey, where’s Rose and that terrible woman you married?,” “Uh, maybe no more one liners?,” “I would have had your babies,” and “I been waiting for you, motherfucker!”
Rating: 9.0/10.0
**
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!
Please check out and “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which is here. There’s stuff there now! Midnight trailers! 3 AM Joe Bob! And more!
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!
**
Things to Watch Out For This Week
–Mandy: This, of course, is the new Nicolas Cage movie that’s getting all sorts of buzz for being batshit insane. I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s something that’s been on my radar since I first heard about it. Because, yes, it looks goddamn insane. The two hour running time concerns me because what the hell happens in this movie that it needs two hours to happen? Still, this is a definite must see. Get it on home video, or check it out on the horror streaming service Shudder, which is Mandy’s exclusive streaming provider. Anyone out there see Mandy yet? Is it awesome? Is it insane? Is it way too damn long?
–Dragnet: This awesome send up/continuation of the classic cop show is a personal favorite. Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks make for a great team as Detective Sgt. Joe Friday and Pep Streebek (that’s one of the greatest character names of all time. I’ve always wanted to meet Tom Hanks and call him Streebek just to see what he would say). And Christopher Plummer is sleazy as hell as the villainous Reverend Worley. My favorite performances belong to Dabney Coleman as the pornographer Jerry Caesar and to Jack O’Halloran as “Muzz, Emil, Emil Muzz!” There are so many great lines and moments in this movie. It’s a damn shame it didn’t turn into a movie franchise, because I would have loved to see another Friday/Streebek adventure. This Shout! Factory Collector’s Edition is a little short on special features (there’s an interview with Alexandra Paul and a commentary track from some pop culture historian guy named Russell Dyball. Why the heck couldn’t Aykroyd do a track?) but having the movie on an easily available Blu-ray is the most important thing. Who else out there loves Dragnet?
Silent Rage: This Chuck Norris classic is on Blu-ray exclusively at Walmart, at least this “VHS edition” packaging version is available exclusively at Walmart. There are no real special features to speak of on this Blu-ray (I think there’s a trailer on it), but, really, just having the movie on a readily available Blu-ray is the most important thing. Because this flick, which has Chuck Norris taking on an unstoppable killer, is just awesome and may even be Chuck’s best movie. And check out that packaging! If you’ve never seen Silent Rage, this is your chance. Go to your local Walmart, see if it’s there, and pick it up. It’s very, very worth it.
–Deep Silence: This is the tenth book in the Joe Ledger series by Jonathan Maberry and it has hero Ledger and his Department of Military Sciences strike team, Echo Team, facing off against terrorists with technology that can induce earthquakes and set off dormant volcanoes. If you’ve read any of the previous Ledger books, you’ll know that it will involve top notch action, comedy, and weird as hell science. I’m currently reading the sixth Ledger book, Code Zero, so I have a few books to go before I get to Deep Silence, but I’m definitely going to buy it anyway and “add it to the pile” and leave it there until I’m ready for it. Author Maberry has a great series here, and it’s only a matter of time before it gets the big or small screen treatment. It’s too good a series not to be a major cinematic/TV franchise. Hollywood needs to get on top of this immediately! Any Joe Ledger fans out there?
–Buffalo Dreams Fantastic Film Festival 2018: This year’s Buffalo Dreams is shaping up to be, once again, a badass and top notch film festival, with 103 movies, both feature length and short, over 7 days at the Dipson Theatres’ Eastern Hills Cinema in the Eastern Hills Mall in Williamsville, New York, November 2nd-November 8th. Check out the fest’s official Facebook page here for the full schedule and list of movies screening. I will be there for most of the first two days, at least that’s the plan at the moment. If you’re in the area, be sure to check it out.
**
Do you like Cult TV?
The 1970’s TV thriller Kolchak: The Night Stalker is first up! Check out what I think about the show with the links below!
Issue #1
Issue #2
Issue #3
Issue #4
**
B-Movie News
–A new Robert “Bronzi” Kovacs movie is coming!: Yes, the guy who really, really, really looks like Charles Bronson, who recently kicked major ass in the low budget action flick Death Kiss (check out my review of that here), is set to star in a new action flick called Escape from Death Block 13. Directed by Gary Jones, Death Block 13 is all about a guy who ends up in a prison for some reason and then some bad shit happens. That, as far as I can tell, is the movie’s plot. We don’t have a trailer quite yet, but we do have an awesome poster for the movie, which I saw over at the Action Elite. I mean, how do you not want to see that movie?
If and when there’s a trailer for Escape from Death Block 13, you can bet your ass that The Gratuitous B-Movie Column will run it. If this movie is set to hit in 2019, well, 2019 can’t get here fast enough for me.
After checking out the new poster, be sure to check out Death Kiss. It’s available on iTunes. Long live Robert “Bronzi” Kovacs!
**
Check out my Widow’s Point set visit report!
**
Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!
**
Next week: The Why Halloween (2018) Sucks Special Edition!
**
Next Issue: The Debt Collector with Scott Adkins!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmK4FcUYax0&t=30s
**
Interviews
david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Shahin Sean Solimon
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Shahin Sean Solimon (2)
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin
Dylan Reynolds
Paul Kyriazi(2)
Lincoln Bevers
Nassasin Nuri
Hannah Janssen
Harry Mok
Daniel Roebuck
Sage Croft
Stephen van Vuuren
Cheryl Wheeler Sanders
Eric Jacobus (2)
David William No
Nicholas Verdi
Luke LaFontaine (2)
Roger Yuan
Dominik Starck
Tamas Nadas
Tyler Savage
Robert McGinley
Tim Gouran
Billy Ray Brewton
Leo Scherman
Harley Di Nardo
Jino Kang(2)
Alexander Nevsky (3)
Steve Latshaw
Rick Hurst
Douglas Burke
**
**
Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
Happy Halloween!
Victor Crowley
Parry Shen– Andrew Yong
Laura Ortiz– Rose
Dave Sheridan– Dillon
Krystal Joy Brown– Sabrina
Felissa Rose– Kathleen
Brian Quinn– Austin
Tiffany Shepis– Casey
Chase Williamson– Alex
Katie Booth– Chloe
Kane Hodder– Victor Crowley
Directed by Adam Green
Screenplay by Adam Green
Distributed by Dark Sky Films
Unrated
Runtime– 83 minutes
Buy it here
