2002 / 52 HcraM – TnaR WAR KramS EhT

The SmarK RAW Rant – March 25 2002

– Live from Penn State.

– Your hosts are JR & Lawler, who both appear to have evil goatees. Huh. Funny how I never noticed that until now.

– Linda McMahon (who also has a goatee) lays out the rules of the draft.

– Opening match: The Unstoppable Force v. The Immovable Object. Albert Einstein appears to be doing color commentary. I thought he was dead? And since when do abstract concepts fight on RAW? Anyway, they kind of mash together in the center of the ring for a couple of minutes before all of time and space collapse in itself at 1:53. DUD Amazingly, despite the universe ending, the show still goes on. Geez, can’t the WWF ever adhere to their own stipulations?

– Meanwhile, Flair & Arn plot out their draft picks. Arn seems to have shaved his beard off and grown his hair out. Huh. Vince also plots things out in his room, and he seems to be wearing a Bret Hart t-shirt. Weird.

– Vince comes out for his first pick, and stops to give out some money to the people in the front row first. He appears to be carrying a sheet of paper marked “Booking Ideas from People Not Related To Me – Highest Priority”. His #1 draft pick: Saba Simba. Wow, didn’t see that coming. A little screen follows showing his vitals and a little note saying “Absolutely not Tony Atlas.” Vince reminds Saba that he won’t stand for any cheating or non-scientific wrestling holds in his promotion, and of course Simba agrees. The crowd starts a new chant for Vince: “You are a nice guy.” Well, this is weird.

– And now it’s time for Flair’s #1 pick, as he counters with: Captain Redneck Dick Murdoch. I thought he was dead? Man this is a weird show.

– Meanwhile, Olympic Gold Medalist Iron Sheik is upset with Vince for not picking him #1.

– Ben Stone & Paul Robinette v. Jack McCoy & Claire Kincaid. Well, this one had potential but degenerated fast, as Jack & Claire spent the whole match arguing over whether they were having sex or not, while Stone went insane and started beating up fans at ringside and yelling about a conspiracy hatched by Janet Reno. Robinette wins by forfeit at 2:09, but his flatfro turns on him and demands a match at Backlash. Who booked this shit? Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Sheik reads off all the gold medals he won in wrestling from 1908 until the 2002 Winter Olympics (even though there’s not actually wrestling in the Winter Olympics), so Vince capitulates and makes him his #2 pick.

– Flair is out for pick #2: Dutch Mantell, Dead-Eye Dick and Black Bart – The Desperadoes. Three guys with one pick?

– Vince is upset at that development (and who wouldn’t be?) so he counters in bold fashion – with Stan Hansen as his #3 pick. Sheik admires the strategy – this way, the Desperadoes will NEVER find Hansen. This IS just like a game of chess.

– Meanwhile, the Desperadoes confront Flair and ask him if he knows where Stan Hansen got to. Nope, but he does know that his #3 pick is the Big Red Machine himself – Nikita Koloff! I thought he was a preacher in North Carolina? Man, this is the worst roster ever.

– Science v. Religion. Science is squashing Religion all the way, until Religion suddenly calls for a Holy War and God comes down to smite Science at 2:40. I hate deus ex machina endings. ј*

– Vince makes his #4 selection: “Made in the USA” Lex Luger.

– Flair’s up with his #4 selection: Sting. It seems to be the young, facepainted Sting, too. Apparently the bookers are getting so arrogant that they think they can just flaunt the laws of physics and not get called on it. Where’s Einstein when you need him? Oh, yeah, he died in the first match.

– Vince’s #5 selection: Tekno Team 2000. Since when are they the tag team champions? Man, I must have missed a house show update or something. It seems weird that the WWF champion can jump from show to show but the tag champs are drafted, but then I’m still trying to wrap my head around the universe ending in the first match.

– Roe v. Wade. This was mainly their lawyers arguing the rules before an appeals judge for 5 minutes, until the whole thing was distracted by a riot in the stands and the whole thing ended up as a double-DQ at 5:06. What an abortion. -*

– Meanwhile, Vince & Flair get in each other’s faces. Flair takes Shaska Whatley, so Vince counters with Kona Crush. Now it gets serious, as Flair takes Big Bubba Rogers, and Vince counters with Mantaur. Flair seems upset at himself for missing that last one. Man, Smackdown is obviously getting the A-list talent here.

– Id v. Superego. Ego is special guest referee, trying to maintain order. Superego tries to wrestle a scientific match, but Id keeps pulling a foreign object out of its tights until finally Ego calls for the DQ at 1:50. Id snaps and beats the crap out of both of them. It turns out that the object was just a cigar.

– Meanwhile, Vince does the unthinkable, taking Bill Mulkey, while Flair takes Randy Mulkey. The Mulkey Boyz, split up? Could this be the end of Mulkeymania?

– Man v. Superman. Friedrich Nietzsche is YOUR special referee. God is doing color commentary. Superman is laying a beating on Man, but Nietzsche keeps yelling at God about how he’s dead. God takes a swing at Nietzsche with a steel chair, hits Superman by mistake, and Man gets the pin at 1:23. DUD

– Vince comes out for his #8 selection, with which he picks that hot new sensation, The Warlord, and his manager Slick. Flair reminds him that it’s HIS pick, so HE takes Warlord, and Slick seems to be looking more like Baby Doll. This is like a bad acid trip. So Vince instead takes The World’s Strongest Man, Dino Bravo. An enraged Flair counters with Barry Windham and his Power of the Claw. Vince takes rookie sensation Rocky Maivia, and Flair’s final pick is Precious. And she has an evil goatee. Worst Draft Ever.

– Did I mention that I love Gedo and think that Rock-Hogan was a ****1/2 classic?

The Top Line:

What the hell is going on? A nice Vince McMahon? Bizarre matches? Evil goatees everywhere? Oh no…I’m trapped in the MIRROR UNIVERSE!

Well, at least it makes for a more entertaining show than the crap we got on Monday instead.