wrestling / TV Reports
411’s AAA/CMLL Report 4.25.05
REJOICE! Its week #9 of Lucha Libre on 411. I’m your host with most, the Professor, Newton Gimmick. This week we’ve got all kinds of good stuff to get to, so I won’t waste too much time with my opinions on wrestling. Though I do have a few comments on last night’s TNA PPV. Afterall, I came across like a TNA mark in the Roundtable report. But to be honest, at the time I wrote it, I was tired of people hating on TNA, when they aren’t even half as bad as Smackdown or Raw, depending on which brand you think is the weakest. They are better then ONE brand of WWE. That’s something I take to task in a whole column, so be sure to check the site for that. Also be sure when you are reading that, to scroll over the pictures, as they include thoughts from WWE & TNA talent. Anywho…
Lockdown thoughts: I thought the show was pretty solid. My girlfriend enjoyed some parts of the show that ‘hardcore fans’ wouldn’t, which lends credence to TNA having some casual fan appeal. I think they burned the cage gimmick out, but kept things fresh enough with the added gimmicks to matches to make it a fine show. With Candido’s leg snapping, blood in the opening bout, thumbtacks, and some brutal table spots….I think that parental advisory lived up to the hype. Thumbs up from me!
And then we move to just a tad bit of feedback. The Rose City Rudo sent me praise, and since I don’t get a lot of that, I figured I’d put his email up in here.
Hola! A friend of mine sent me a link to your article covering a recent AAA show. I was great! I run Portland, Oregon’s Wrestling Church; a group of guys and gals that have been getting together to watch wrestling every Sunday night on the big screen upstairs at a local bar since 2000. The three original members (Upper Glergy) have designated roles: a puro rep, a classic US rasslin rep and I bring the lucha! It has been quite a while since I’ve read any coverage that speaks of the spastic and great nuances that makes AAA and CMLL far superior to state side folding chair soap operas. Thanks again, your newest devout reader- The Rose City Rudo
No problem Rudo, and remember folks plug this column to your friends. Lucha in the states is hurting, and I need all the readers I can get. Phil Tracy also sent me a positive email, and I’m feeling froggy so I’ll put this in here too.
Just stumbled across your 4.17.05 lucha article and wanted to write in and say I loved it. Your Chris Farley “I don’t speak japanese” tribute wasn’t lost on me. Why you aren’t featured more prominently on the site is a mystery to me 🙂
I appreciate it Phil. I’m being held down by the man. I like to think of myself and Peter Kent as 411’s version of the Hollywood Blondes. We’re not supposed to be over, but we are. Soon they’ll have no choice but to acknowledge us, and by acknowledge I mean the “American Dream” Larry Csonka will job us out to his proteges. Alright, I’m just kidding, Kent obviously gets his props here at 411 and everyone at 411 has been great to me. But I’m glad you guys are liking what I do. In fact, I just got cleared to do a special 2 Part column called the Professor’s Position. So you‘ll be getting plenty of me here on 411! Of course, my junk will probably all get pushed off the top by the new columnists and you’ll read stuff like ‘The Piledriver Report’ a month after no one cares about WrestleMania anymore. But hey, I tried right? Spread your own conspiracy rumors….
Before we get ANY further, I want to post up this picture I found of Alebrije and his midget Cuije. Its a good picture, you can’t see their wings, but you kinda get the idea.
Now then, lets kick off 2 hours of AAA. It would appear that CMLL is taking a break for now, and I can only guess that they’ll get several weeks of shows in the coming months. Until then, lets enjoy the Lucha we have.
4.24.05
Bang a gong, and we’re on with two hours of the best Triple A action anywhere.
#1 Contendership Women’s Battle Royal:
Lady Apache, Tiffany, Golden Girl, Faby Apache, Simply Luscious, Nikki Roxx, Estrelita, Princessa Blanca, Cinthia Moreno, Martha Villalobos, Dark Angel, Princessa Sujei, La Chola, Poly Star
So we’ve got 14 girls in this one. Can you imagine a women’s division with 14 girls? This isn’t even the entire division either, as La Hechicera is missing from last week. Martha Villalobos LOOKS a lot like Hechicera, but isn’t ruins this match. But I’ll explain that as we go on. Lady Apache is the champion, if your curious. Faby is looking as cute as ever. Nikki Roxx is a tall blonde chick, who is also pretty hot. Princessa Sujei is the girl who OWNED last week. We’ll see if she can do it again this week. Its on! Everyone goes after Lady Apache at first, but she has no problem fighting them off. Nikki Roxx and Golden Girl go at it. Before Nikki can do much damage, Lady Apache grabs Roxx by her hair and drags her to Faby Apache where they double team the blonde. Tiffany works over Simply Luscious and Princessa Blanca is making La Chola eat her boot. Chola is sporting a different outfit then last week, but I don’t know if its a improvement or not. She looks more like a woman though. Speaking of looking like a man, Estrelita looks like Amazing Red to me. Dyke much? Martha Vilalobos is doing a atomic noogie to Princessa Sujei. I guess I should get my Martha Vilalobos rant out of the way right here. This bitch is fat, and she’s not doing ANYTHING worthwhile. She’s just walking around the ring, beating on people, and NO SELLING EVERYTHING! She’s prancing around like she’s freaking Aja Kong or something, but she’s not. She could learn a thing from Hechicera from last week, who used her giant size, but still sold properly. Vilalobos isn’t selling anything from anyone, and its stupid. Hair peel out of the corner. Princess Sujei and Lady Apache lock up in the middle of the ring, both women exchanging blows. Apache gets the better of the battle. In the corner, Martha Vilalobos has Nikki Roxx cornered. Nikki looks scared, and Martha just stands there all smug. Nikki attacks, and of course Martha no sells, and beats on Roxx. That segment would have been cooler had Vilalobos actually done a cool move. Now she’s mauling Nikki Roxx’s face. That’s sort of hot, in a lesbian domination, women in prison kinda way. But remember Vilalobos is fat and fugly. But Roxx is nice. Ahem, moving on. Dark Angel gets beaten on by Lady Apache then by La Chola. Nikki Roxx eats a double team suplex from Lady Apache and Poly Star. Faby Apache drop toe holds Princessa Sueji. Tiffany with a sleeper in the corner. Chola gets choked on the bottom rope. Dark Angel beats on someone. Nikki Roxx is getting beat up some more, by EVERYONE. What is this chic a American girl or something? Her and Golden Girl seem to be channeling abuse from everyone. Maybe thats the strategy, beat up the pretty ones to make me sympathetic toward them? Chola with a front facelock on Nikki. Faby unloads with kicks to Chola’s kneecap. Cinthia Moreno going to work, and brutal superkick. Chola getting worked over in the corner, and nearly shoved out by Blanca. Here comes Faby to help out, and they dump Chola over the top. LA CHOLA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Down to unlucky 13. Bodyslam by Lady Apache on Dark Angel. Golden Girl almost gets backdropped out of the ring, and then she gets tossed between the middle ropes, and that counts as a elimination. I guess its so long as you touch the floor. GOLDEN GIRL HAS BEEN ELMINATED! Somewhere Rose Dabenroe is crying for her fallen sister. Lady Apache dropkicks Poly Star out. POLY STAR HAS BEEN ELIMINATED Martha beats on Simply Luscious. Princessa Sueji unloads with kicks to Blanca. But Dark Angel comes and helps her out. TOP ROPE DOUBLE STOMP! Martha Vilalobos barges Princessa Blanca out of the ring. PRINCESSA BLANCA HAS BEEN ELMINATED! Princessa Sueji and Lady Apache brawl it out all through the middle of the ring. Simply Luscious gets mauled in the corner by Martha Vilalobos, but only about half of it looked convincing. Simply Luscious gets stepped on by Martha. I’m really starting to hate her. YOU SUCK FATTIE! Faby dumps out Estrelita. ESTRELITA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Nikki Roxx gets dropkicked out. NIKKI ROXX HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Someone just dumped Simply Lucious! SIMPLY LUSCIOUS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Dark Angel is drop kicked out by both Apache girls! Shades of the Rock-n-Roll Express! DARK ANGEL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! Whew, these eliminations are coming fast and furious. Cinthia Moreno does a dropkick to Sueji and she just sort of rolls out of the ring. WTF? Why build Princessa Sueji up so big last week, and have her get eliminated this week by a lack luster dropkick. PRINCESSA SUEJI IS ELIMINATED! Its down to 5 girls now, if my math is correct. Cinthia Moreno wastes no time going after Faby Apache with lefts and rights. Faby goes for a powerbomb, reversed into a roll up, into a OKLAHOMA ROLL! The announcers keep referencing Veronica. Is that a word women or something? I mean they just keep saying Veronica this, Veronica that. Can anyone help me out here? Is everyone’s first name Veronica? Anyway Faby runs up for a Monkey flip on Cinthia, but Cinthia tries to dump her, Faby Apache turns it into a headscissor, but they BOTH go over the top rope crashing to the floor. Aww, no Apache versus Apache match I guess. CINTHIA MORENO & FABY APACHE HAVE BOTH BEEN ELIMINATED! Down to 3. Fat ass with no talent, and Tiffany/Apache. Since Tiffany and Apache have a feud, logic says that’s our matchup. Martha works over Tiffany. Lady Apache tries to get the crowd into it. Martha wants handshakes? All three women do the Hogan-Warrior criss cross of the ropes spot. Man I miss that spot. This leads to Martha ramming Lady Apache. Tiffany and Apache beat on Vilalobos’ fat hump back. They send her to the ropes for a double clothesline, but Martha comes off with a decent cross body block, which Apache avoids and it smushes Tiffany. Superkick by Lady Apache, no sold by Martha Vilalobos. Chop by Apache. No Sold. Another chop. No Sold. Irish whip, no sold and reversed. Fat splash in the corner by RoadWarrior Vilalobos. She goes up to the top rope, and misses a big splash. Ironically, she sells that. I swear to God, Undertaker 1993 sells more then this bitch. I suppose only she can hurt herself. Double dropkick and she sssssssssssssssslllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy rolls out of the ring to be eliminated. So what, you can’t even sell a elimination? I hate you Martha Vilalobos! You are the worst wrestler ever! You are fat! You have dirty feet! You can’t sell! You aren’t talented! You didn’t do one convincing move the whole match! Please never come on my TV again! Thank you! We’re down to Tiffany and Lady Apache. MARTHA VILALOBOS IS ELIMINATED! Not sure if this makes sense seeing as how this is our title match later in the show, but whatever at least lardass is out of the ring. Scratch that, since Tiffany is the last one, non champion in the ring, we’re going to wait til later to see them fight. No sense in having them eliminate each other. Well that makes sense, but there was really no point in Lady Apache being in the match, and no reason for her to stay in until the finish anyway. We’re off to commercial!
Winner: Tiffany!
– Hot stone massage is good for your back.
– OneEarth.org tells you that saving the Earth is FUN!
– Dr.Pepper is good to drink!
Verdict: Well for a women’s battle royal it wasn’t bad. Its hard to call Battle Royals, especially when you don’t speak the language. I haven’t seen some of these girls before, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Nikki Roxx and Dark Angel again. I think I made it clear how horrible Martha Vilalobos was. She basically ruined the fun of this entire battle royal. Having Tiffany win makes sense, but having Lady Apache in it tilt he end doesn’t. Still marginal fun from the women’s division.
– First up Steven Bellah explains how Ann Coulter is a hate mongering, psychopathic bitch! But refuses to answer my email about if she has good tits….
-Next, Yours truly discusses Hypocrisy for handicap folks…
– Finally Alex Obal has the NEW Big Sexy, and of course by that, I mean Viscera!
We’re back and its time for a very special match…..
Homo Cage Match:
Sexy Libra, Rosa Blanca, Sexy Francis versus May Flowers, Polvo De Estrelas, Pimpinella Escarlotta
You know, I saw 8 cages matches last night on TNA’s PPV, and I saw some new things. I saw a blindfold cage match. A tables cage match…..but I never, and I mean NEVER thought I’d see six cross dressing homosexuals in a cage match. Considder me enlightened. And frightened. Sexy Libra sort of looks like RuPaul, but Mexican in pigtails and weighs about 112 pounds. Rosa Blanca looks like a fat guy you could hang out with in a local bar, only he’s in drag. Sexy Francis has this really long intro with fans and junk. He reminds me of something, but I’m not sure what. He has a catchy theme, and even the announcer is singing it. He reminds me of Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner for some reason. If he’d been a cross dresser that is. May Flowers still looks like a female Adrian Adonas. Polvo De Estrelas is known to this report as Gaydust, Fagdust and Clay AIkendust seeing as how he‘s wearing a silver/gold version of GOLDUST ENTIRE OUTFIT. He’s the best, but he’s not sporting his usual “Cher” theme music, and it hurts his character if you ask me. Lastly we have Pimpinella Escarlotta. Something must have happened between the last time we saw Pimpinella too, cause he’s Goldberg over here. I dunno why, or what he’s done. Who’s idea was it to put SIX, sissies in a cage? Pimpinella has some prematch antics by kissing our good friend BatRef. A old man from the crowd WANTS a kiss, and gets his wish. Ugh. Pimpinella kinds looks like a in-shape version of that guy from the Birdcage whose name escapes me at the moment. We take a commercial, cause this match can’t just START, we’ve got more dancing and prancing to get to.
– Kate del Castillo reminds us that Telefe Internacional is a great show thats only available on Direct TV Para Todos!
– Get the HBO & Cinemax dual pack!
– ACCION! Soccer, its futbol de Mexicano!
We’re back, and this match is a dance off? Okay probably not, but man are we getting some serious stalling here. I wonder if Gordon Solie could call this match and make it sound exciting. Anyone remember Crowbar’s dead on Solie impersonations from Nitro? Ahh, those were the days. Crowbar was cool. So was his backstory. Daphne and David Flair, just passed a gas station, and there was Crowbar. Wanna come along? Okay! Only Russo could come up with some so stupid, and so genius at the same time. This match is FINALLY started, and Pimpinella is trying to escape, but Sexy Libra is bitch slapping him! Sexy Francis and Sexy Libra with the banned in 40 states DOUBLE BITCH SLAP! Pimipinella with a SHOVE! Oh its on now Girlfriend! Pimpi and Francis exchanging slaps! MY GAWD THE INTENSITY! Gaydust tries to run away and climb out of the cage, but Libra smacks his ass, and then Rosa Blanca grabs his balls. HAHAH! He grabbed his BALLS! Okay, it wasn’t funny. Who booked this? May Flowers tries to escape, but gets yanked in by Sexy Francis. Pimpinella seems to forget who is partners are and does a armbar to May Flowers. Well in a match THIS intense, I can’t blame him for being confused. No actual moves have been done yet, as the armbar was the first ‘hold’ of the match. Sexy Libra with gloryhole stomps on May in the turnbuckle corner. Francis is about to escape, but Pimpinella has a boot. Sexy Libra comes over and slaps Francis ass repeatedly to pull him back in. I thought they were on a team? Everyone seems really confused. Though none of them are as confused as me. I’m calling a 6 way cage match between Mexican transvestites, couldn’t get much worse. May Flowers almost escapes, but Rosa Blanca pulls him down and he gets hung up in the ropes. The crowd erupts in laughter. Gee must be something lost in the translation. Sexy Francis with the BRAIN CLAW on Pimpinella! SHADES OF BARON VON RASCHKE! Glad I got to use that line. Pimpi and Sexy Francis exchanging slaps and hair pulls on the canvas. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! I think Francis nose is slightly bleeding. Which I mean, just shows you the intensity of this fight. Those aren’t your Daddy’s bitch slaps. Pimpinella with a CLOTHESLINE on Sexy Francis! More chops and slaps. The commentators think this match is REALLY funny. I think its funny too, but not ‘hah hah funny’. Gaydust does a dropkick. Rosa Blanca does a fat guy corner smush on Sexy Libra, Fruitdust and May Flowers. Sexy Libra has had enough, he takes off out of the cage. Scoop slam and senton in the ring by Queerdust. May Flowers and Fairydust with a DOUBLE BIG BOOT on Sexy Francis in the ring. Sexy Libra is taunting the fans. WHEN WILL THE HURTING STOP! May Flowers and Gaydust have a mis-communication, and begin arguing. BITCH SLAP! In the madness Sexy Francis nearly gets out of the ring. But everyone goes after him. Everyone but Goldust 2.0! As they rush to pull Francis down, Fruitbootydust climbs out of the cage. Wait, her stops at the top of the cage to STRIKE A POSE! Now he climbs out. The other 4 ‘brawl’ in the ring. Rosa Blanca escapes, but makes a loooooong ordeal out of it, pretending that he crotched himself on the cage. Pimpinella holds down Sexy Francis so, May Flowers can escape. Flowers tells Pimpi thats a bad idea, and he tells Pimpi that he’ll hold Francis down. He does, while Pimp starts to escape, but May Flowers tries to escape himself. May get s out, but Pimp gets caught by Francis. Pimp and Francis fight. Hair peel by Sexy Francis on Pimpinella. Pimp gets rammed into the cage. Sexy Francis missile dropkick. Elbow drop, and Sexy Francis ESCAPES! Somehow, Pimpi gets busted open the HARD way, showing the barbarous nature of this match. We’ve just got to commercial after that one!
Winners: Sexy Libra, Rosa Blanca, Sexy Francis!
– Galavision has all the best DEPORTES! Soccer! Boxing! Lucha! Golf! ALL OF IT!
– 411wrestling.com has the best coverage of Lucha Libre ANYWHERE!
– Ingles sin Barreras teaches you to learn English easily.
We’re back, and we get footage of the celebration of the homos. I have NO fucking idea how Pimpi got busted open. Apparently Pimpinella’s hair was on the line as well. He cuts a heart felt promo, about something. Sexy Francis cuts out 1 tiny lock of his hair. And then all the rainbow flag boys hold teach other’s hands high, and head to the back. Presumably for the biggest, gayest, scariest, orgy EVER!
Verdict: MY EYES! MY EYES! That’s 15 minutes of my life I’ll NEVER get back again. There is nothing to compare this to. This is like the Mass Transit incident, The Barbarian’s shoot video, Ted Danson’s hairpiece, and Jesus versus Santa Claus from Southpark all rolled up into one. ITS THAT GOOD! ************ Stars! You simply MUST see this match!
Earlier today…. Someone who looks like Carlito Cool was thrown out of the building.
AAA Women’s Title Match
Tiffany versus Lady Apache
Apache is the champion, and of course Tiffany attacked her last week, as well as winning the #1 Contendership in the battle royal earlier tonight. Both girls are trying to get the fans behind them, as we have no referee. Carlito Cool wanders to ringside, and shows the commentators that he has a ticket. Wait, it appears Carlito goes by the name Athor in AAA. (Note, Athor is NOT Carlito Carabean Cool, this is a running gag. Its Newton Gimmick’s poor attempt at wit.) Tiffany and Calrito hug. Lady Apache gives him a piece of her mind! Carlito shows her his ticket! He bought a ticket! He can be there! He pulls out a BIRTHDAY CAKE, from the Guardrail! It’s Tiffany’s BIRTHDAY! She’s two apparently. They play some music, and encourage the crowd to sing to Tiffany. Its a little cake. Not even a sheet. I’m reminded of that time it was HBK’s birthday, and Sunny brought him out a cake only to have the Smoking Gunns jump him, but then he got the better of them and shoved Sunny into the cake. And she was all slippery, and mmmm cake covered…. ERRRRRRR……Back to the action! The girls get in the ring, but there is no ref still. This goes on for SEVERAL minutes. Lady Apache looks PISSED! I would be too if I couldn’t get a ref for my title match, and then Carlito bust in on it, and then my opponent had a surprise birthday party. Still no ref, and its time for COMMERCIALS!
– Planeta Sur Esta Noceh 11pm!
– Tornea Closrua 2005 is more Soccer, and I guess its a tournament final?
– Hasta El Limite, features and I kid you not..SNAILS! Miercoles at 9pm, 8 ct
– Order Spongebob Squarepants on PPV! Is it just me, or is Spongebob basically Ren & Stimpy underwater?
We’re back, and we still have no referee. Finally a referee runs out, and he gets introduced as Raul Salazar! Tiffany is apparently his friend, as they share a big hug before the match. I smell collusion! Raul is a cool name, and I’m reminded of Raul Julia, who not only played Gomez Adams, but was really starting to break out as a good actor, when he died a untimely death. Yup. Tiffany and Salazar share a high five. Lady Apache is NOT happy. The whistle sounds (yes they use a WHISTLE in Lucha) and Tiffany sends Apache to the ropes, she picks her up for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Apache turns it into a cross body for a pin. Salazar takes his time going over to count, as if it mattered. She actually gets a TWO, off a slow count, and the first move of the match. That defeats all sorts of match logic there. Chop to Tiffany and irish whips her into the turnbuckle corner, reversal and Apache comes out of the turnbuckle with a cool headscissors. Tiffany back up, but Lady Apache springboards off the middle rope into a dropkick on Tiffany! Reversal sequence of the ropes, and Lady Apache gets a backslide. Salazar goes down for the pin fall. ……………………………..1 (Grows beard) ……………………….2 (Shaves Beard) ………………………………….Kickout! Yes folks, Salazar appears to be in cahoots with Tiffany! Tiffany gets out of a sunset flip and does a dropkick. Neither of these girls are overly HOT per say, but there is something about athletic women in tight ass spandex that does something for me. I’m just saying. Standing switch, into a back elbow by Apache. She grabs Tiffany up…FISHERMAN SUPLEX! SHADES OF MR.PERFECT CURT HENNIG! She holds it for a pin, but that sneaky Salazar takes his time counting the pin. ………………………………1 (Pope Benedict XVI dies, he was 79) ………………………………………2 (Pope John Paul George & Ringo I is crowned to the Papacy) …………………….KICKOUT! Damn you Raul Salazar! you are just too slick! Tiffany chops Lady Apache! Sends her to the ropes. BK BOMB! She goes to the ropes, but Lady Apache drop toe holds her. Lady Apache locks on a Mexican Surfboard! Tiffany won’t give up! Lady Apache turns it into a pin. Raul Salazar is in position for the count. ……………………………………………………..1 (Star Wars Episode III comes out, and it sucks) ……………………………………..2 (Star Wars Episode 7 comes out, it too sucks) ……………….2 1/2 (Jar-Jar Binks the Series is picked up by UPN, surprisingly it doesn’t suck) ………………….2 and a little more (Jar-Jar’s show is cancelled, but Enterprise fans unite to save it. They fail, and all jump off a bridge in Tulsa, Ok.) ….KICKOUT! My god how does Tiffany do it! They’re really hammering home Raul Salazar being a heel referee here. Tiffany boots Apache in the mid section. Lady Apache from the top rope with a flipping sunset flip. Oh joy. ………………1 (It is now Tuesday) …………2 (Welcome to Smackdown!) ……….KICKOUT! This time Raul Salazar jumps up after the pin, and KICKS Lady Apache. Jesus, what the hell? Apache doesn’t like that one bit, and slaps Raul across the face. Tiffany dropkicks her out of the ring. They brawl on the outside. Raul Salazar holds Lady Apache, and Tiffany goes to bust her Birthday cake on the face of Apache, but Lady Apache move and Raul Salazar gets BLASTED with the B-day cake. Salazar is covered in cake. Well its no Sunny. Back in the ring, Lady Apache off the top rope with a missile dropkick to Tiffany. Lady Apache goes back up top to finish Tiffany off, but Carlito Cool sneaks out and crotches her on the top rope. Well thanks for that Athor, now go back to PBS! Tiffany off the top with a crucifix flip bomb on Lady Apache. Raul Salazar rolls in for the pin,123!
Winner and NEW Champion: Tiffany!
Hit the Roy Orbison! ‘Pretty Woman’ plays, as Tiffany, Raul Salazar and Athor celebrate. The rest of the faces come out to console Lady Apache. Replay of the finish. The heels hug Tiffany as they celebrate their ‘victory’. Lady Apache is PISSED! Can’t blame her there.
Verdict: Ugh. I’m all for a heel ref like Salazar, but this was just over the top. Every move Apache did, had Tiffany pinned for a 100 count. Too much stalling for a shitty match. I realize the point of this match, but it was just so poorly executed. Lady Apache was ridiculously screwed, and this wasn’t even worth covering. The match was marginally entertaining at best.
Interview with Tiffany, from later in the week. She’s talking shit, and claiming she won the title cause of her beauty, superior skill, and fine latina booty. Fair enough.
– Gas-X BEATS the bloat, antacids DON’T! ….AKA…Gas-X over Bloat 12:35 by Submission.
– En Casa De Lucy is Mexico’s version of Martha Stewart Living, and I’M NOT KIDDING!
– Vincent Fernandez on CD, order now and get this cool poster!
We’re back, and we get clips of ‘PUMA’ Jerry Estrada being wheeled out in a wheelchair, by some group of guys dressed like KISS. No Demon in sight though.
Clips of some award show. Luchador of the Year goes to La Parka. This is in 2001, so I assume this is LA Park. Then we get clips of 2002 and again La Parka wins the Luchador of the Year award. I assume this is still LA Park. Oddly enough this show seems to be like the Mexican Emmys or something, cause there are NO other wrestlers there. 2003 and Luchador of the Year goes to LA PARKA! I think this is the new La Parka here as he sounds totally different and Antonio Pena is by his side. Now we show 2004, and if you guessed La Parka wins Luchador of the Year then you deserve a cookie! This is CLEARLY the new La Parka here. As he really hams it up, and flirts with a girl and pretends to be La Parka, even though he isn’t. Now we get clips of a press conference with La Parka, Tiffany, Antonio Pena and a few others from the awards show. Nothing of note here, but Gaby Ramierez is cute, and La Parka looks weird in a suit and tie. Why did La Parka win Luchador of the Year when he was only the same guy for a few years?
FLASH INFORMATION! So says AAA. Something about Heavy Metal. He doesn’t like Antonio Pena. I guess this is a announcement that he’s leaving. But where is he going? CMLL? Is this a angle? Must be, cause otherwise AAA would just find someone who looks like him and call that guy Heavy Metal, and then pretend we won’t notice the difference.
– ‘Shall we Dance’ on PPV!
– ACCION! Its all the best sports, wrapped into one!
– That STAR WARS, M&M’s commercial OWNS!
– HOWEVER, James Earl Jones voice doing the Verizon Wireless DSL commercials, creeps me out.
We’re back and its time for a really in depth Black Family video. I gotta admit that’s pretty creepy.
Ozz, Scoria, & Cuervo versus Decnis, Alan, & Billy Boy
Ozz, Scoria and Cuervo are the Black Family. The other guys appear to be AAA’s version of the Dynamic Dudes, as they get a video package of them carrying skate boards and being ‘hip’. They are known as the Barrio Boys, and we’ve covered them before. However they are in full Dynamic Dudes feel tonight. Suddenly we’re in a 4 sided ring, so I’m guessing this is from another taping. Actually this looks to be from Japan from a few weeks back. The Dynamic Dudes wear white, and the Black Family wears black. “Mexico” chant from the crowd. That makes no sense on so many levels. Interesting that these Dynamic Dudes carry the skate boards, but can’t seem to RIDE them. History is destined to repeat itself. The Black Family are also representing LLL. And we’re on! The Black Family jump the Barrio Boys from the start. Ozz and Scoria do dual standing moonsaults on Alan. But WAIT, comeback by the Dynamic ones. Dropkick into a sloppy 619! Chock one up for the good guys! Literally. Now the Black Family take advantage. Scoria with a fireman’s carry into a camel clutch by Ozz! Billy Boy comes in, and gets dropkicked in the knees. Cuervo runs in and gets put on the top rope. ALAN WITH A TOP ROPE HURRICARANA! Sloppy Headscissor by Scoria on Decnis. This is using the crappy, random brawling trios formula. Since, I’m the PROFESSOR and all, its time for some Lucha Libre Factoids, seeing as how this match isn’t exciting me anyway. The hurricarana is named after Hurricane Ramirez. Scott Steiner did not invent the move, it is generally believed to have originated in Mexico. Though no one is sure who or where. Rana has become the term for the move most commonly used nowadays. Also, in trios matches, there are usually 2 referees. Generally, one is a heel referee and one is a face referee.
rudo (rue-dough): a heel (bad guy).
tecnico (tek-knee-ko): a face (good guy).
plancha (plahn-cha, plahn rhymes with lawn): a flying crossbody, generally delivered from the top rope.
tope (toe-pay): literally “butt” or “stopper”. In its wrestling sense, normally used to describe a headfirst dive into a standing opponent.
senton (sen-ton, sen rhymes with when, ton rhymes with lawn): a splash, only the back hits instead of the chest.
hurricarana (hurri-ka-rahna): A variation of a head scissor takedown, also known as the Frankensteiner.
Back to the match! The Dynamic Dudes do a flipping doubleteam facebuster to Ozz. But here comes Scoria and Cuervo to break up the fun. All three Black Family members pound on Alan. They send him into the ropes, and lift him high into the air and do a face jam combined with a ace crusher. SHADES OF JOHNNY ACE! There is a joke about the Dynamic Dudes, the Ace Crusher, and Johnny Ace in there somewhere, but I can’t find it. Alan rolls to the outside to seek comfort in the loving arms of Decnis, but Scoria does a corkscrew tope on Alan! Decnis and Billy Boy come in on the other side, but get clubbered upon entrance to the ring. Cuervo does a catapult into a Ozz dropkick on Billy Boy. Superkick sends Billy out of the ring. Ozz with a middle rope suicide dive onto Billy Boy. Decnis to the top rope. “COWABUNGA!“ Flying cross body block to Cuervo. Cuervo takes him down with some sort of face slam thing. Spinning TKO by Decnis. Decnis goes off the ropes, but Cuervo takes him down and locks him in the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! Decnis refuses to tap. He knows that just wouldn’t be cool “Dude!” Decnis makes it to the ropes, and gets pounded on. Billy Boy pulls Cuervo out of the ring, and in comes Scoria. He charges at Decnis, but gets tilt-a-whirl back breakered for his troubles. Decnis has a Jesus fish on his shirt. I’m sure that means something, but I never understood the whole Jesus/Fish connection anyway. My spot in hell just got warmer. All three Dynamic Dudes in now. Triple Team springing face buster by the only team that still has California Games in their Nintendo! Billy Boy kicks Scoria in the back of the head, and then Alan runs and TRIES to do the old Curt Hennig neck snap, but completely whiffs on it, and slides out of the ring. I think the Dynamic Dudes, must have been smoking some Dynamic Hash prematch. They send Scoria out of the ring. Cuervo in with Alan now. Headscissor by Alan. Ozz sneaks in and he gets arm dragged. Ozz puts Alan on the top, but Alan comes off with a twisting rana! Ozz off the ropes, gets caught with a enziguri in the back of the head and goes flying outside. Scoria in, and dropkicks Alan. Decnis in, and does some flips and then arm drags Scoria. Sends him out of the ring. Decnis sends all the Black Family out of the ring, and does the Barrio Boys dance. I long for the days of 3 Count. Who’d thought that 3 Count would be LEAGUES above anything WWE could do with Shane Helms & Shannon Moore? Score one for WCW! Billy Boy in, and hits a highly contrived swinging arm drag takedown on Ozz. Another 45 flips, jumps and springboards leads to….can you guess it? A arm drag. Seriously guys, learn to wrestle. Flipping around in 32 1/2 directions leading to a arm drag does NOT make you a good wrestler. All of the Dynamic Dudes are celebrating in the ring. Decnis and Alan get out their trusty skateboard and flip Billy Boy over the top rope into a hurricarana on Cuervo outside! “BODACIOUS!” Ozz in from behind and dropkicks Decnis out of the ring. Alan hip tosses Ozz out and then bounces off the ropes and does a WICKED 360 corkscrew tope onto him. “HANG TEN DUDE!” Scoria misses a spin wheel kick on Decnis inside the ring. Standing switch, into the F-5 by Scoria. That gets a 2 1/2! Scoria frustrated picks Decnis up and hits a backdrop driver. Scoria goes to the top rope. He MISSES a twisting moonsault! Scoria tries for a crucifix pin, but Decnis starts spinning him around in circles in the crucifix position. And Scoria…gives up? “BOGUS AND GNARLY!” Seriously, that was a fag move to submit to.
Winners: THE DYNAMIC DUDES!
– Now That’s What I Call Music 18 features a remix of Jessie’s Girl apparently. Anyway they advertise it here. It also features other shitty artists like Chingy, and Gwen Stefani!
– Never a Taco Bell commercial on this. Perhaps that’s just a stereotype?
We’re back and Barrio Boys shake hands with the Black Family. Aww, ain’t that just the sweetest thing.
Verdict: Blah. That’s about all I got to say about that. The Black Family, continue to be decent, and the Dynamic dudes are about the same. Nothing special, poor finish, lots of boring brawling, and over dramatic arm drags. BLAH I tell you, BLAH!
More clips of various things that happened in Japan. Or in Spanish as it says on the marquee…..EN JAPON!
Two girls who look like silver Xena come out. With their leader, a lady painted silver. She’s carrying a rubber sword, and has a paper mache helmet. There is some weird music in ENGLISH, that says stuff about Evil gates, and how we are supposed to fight. Umm…Is this out main event? I’m just asking….The Xena girls are kinda cute. I hate to bring up GWAR again, but the silver chic is sorta reminding me of that. Only to a lesser extent. They continue to do shitty dances, and that’s that.
One of the announcer’s is outside and says that’s it. Okay then!
Final Thoughts: Worst AAA show I’ve seen yet. Not ONE good match the entire show. The best thing on this show was the Battle Royal. The Women’s title match sucked do to the booking. The Gay cage match was ridiculous, and a complete waste of time. The 6 Man main event was sloppy at best. Nearly HALF of this show was pointless clips of junk. La Parka’s 48 Award victories comes to mind. Good thing there was no CMLL this week, because I’ve seen better wrestling on the Spice channel. As for me, that’s it. As always you can drop me a email, as I love getting feedback. Good or bad. Also feel free to send me any corrections, and as always you know where I’ll be….See you in 7!
