411’s AAA/CMLL Report 5.10.05

Welcome to week #11 of Lucha Libre on 411! We continue to have lots of wild and craziness here in the land of Lucha. I’m your host, the Professor, Newton Gimmick. I’m popping up all over 411 as of late it seems, and that’s a good thing. Tonight we’ve got another two hours of AAA as CMLL continues to be AWOL. I think they show some CMLL on Sundays, so maybe one week I’ll recap that as well. I still hope that we’ll get back to the 1 hour of each format soon, but I really can’t say when.

First on a non-wrestling note…. I just wanna get this out of the way. If it becomes revealed that Fred Durst did bang Jessica Simpson, I’m going to cry. I don’t cry over much, but I’ll cry over this. Its not that Nick Lachey is any more deserving then the next guy. But, Nick Lachey appears to be a pretty cool dude. He’s like a average guy who you could go hang out, have a beer with, and not feel bad about. He’s got a decent singing voice, played his cards right and is banging one of the flyest girls on the planet. I don’t even hate Fred Durst. I actually liked everything I heard off of Limp Bizkit’s last album. In fact, a few of my favorite LB tracks of all time are on that album. Not that I bought it, I don’t buy CDs. Anyway, the point is, if Durst banged Jessica Simpson, then nothing in this world is sacred. Hopefully this is just another BS story. We all know Durst didn’t bang Britney. And any of us who saw the cell phone pics, know that Fred’s getting a lotta poontang…Anyway, don’t let it be true! I’m pulling for you Lachey!

And now some pre-show WRESTLING notes. I got a ton, and I mean a ton of feedback on my RAW versus TNA column. Between the two Battle of the Brands columns, I got more feedback then anything I’ve wrote thus far on 411. I really enjoyed the feedback, and I still stand by my opinions. I got some great counter points, but I also got some really lame counter points. Its funny, cause no one stood up for Smackdown, but when I graded RAW, the WWE-Hardcore-Marks came out of the wood work. You just can’t please those guys. However aside from some really intelligent counter points, I also got some really stupid emails. If you’ve never seen TNA, you can’t very well bash it. If you still think Jim Ross has any talent, you have no room to talk. I even had some people email me, who thought Mike Tenay was Tony Schivone. Overall though I was pleased with the columns, and shocked that TNA won both battles. The belief is, that the draft will help balance the rosters out. Its also of note to point out, that RAW & Smackdown are both hurting POST-Wrestlemania, due to having new champions, and shitty after Mania PPVs. Hopefully the draft will help things out, and I’ll try to do another analysis a few months down the road and see if things are better. But I honestly wasn’t bias at all in my opinions. I gave OJ the win over Christopher Daniels for God’s sakes. In the end though, I pissed lots of Daniels fans off, and lots of Benjamin fans off. However I’m sure if they exist, the Orlando Jordan fans love me. Anyway, thanks everyone for the support, they were fun columns to do. Be on the lookout for other Professor Position columns in the future, tackling other subjects then brand versus brand.

I’d also like to point out I had a lot of fun on Fact or Fiction. So should Ashish ever feel the need, he can call me up to be on that anytime. It was fun. Even if I didn’t get any juicy questions. I did get to put a damper on all the Shelton Benjamin love, and for that I’m thankful. Guys okay, but he’s not great….yet.

Now on with today’s SHOW!

5.09.05 AAA is on and poppin, as Konnan would say.

First up, we’ve got two hot lucha skanks in blue carrying AAA flags to the ring. I’m not sure what purpose it serves, but its fun to look at. They both have big boobs if your curious.

Luzbel, Dance Boy and Drabek versus Fuego Latino, Pony and Muerte Fantastico

Well this is a bunch of guys I’ve never heard of. Not that, that is anything new. They both came out to old 80’s rock songs, and that’s gotta count for something. Though I’m not sure what. Fuego Latino seems to be channeling Mr.J.L from 90’s WCW, at least outfit wise. We’re in the six sided ring, for those who tabulate that sort of thing at home. Muerte and Drabek start us off with some basics, keylocks and that sort of thing. Drabek gets a la majistral and that gets a quick 2 count. Muerte Fantastico taking some beatings, but hits a NICE armbar suplex. Pony comes in, and he’s fat. Dance Boy is half his size, and tags in for his team. They do some flippy stuff. Dance Boy makes short work of Pony using his speed to hit some back elbows, and a sloppy arm drag, and a sloppy headscissor. Back brain kick sends Pony out of the ring. Dance Boy tags out to Fuego. Luzbel comes in and tries to take out Fuego, but Fuego is all over him. NICE rana by Fuego. Then a top rope Dragon-rana by Fuego. He tags out to Muerte who ends up on the losing end of some offense from Drabek. Muerte catches him with a crappy looking rana, and tags out. Dance Boy and hefty Pony square up again. Another set of tags. Double team powerbomb by Dance Boy and Drabek on Muerte. Then a triple team inverted powerbomb. Fuego comes in to help things out, but gets sent into the air and comes crashing down on his stomach. Flying lariat on Dance Boy by Drabek. Pony with a F-U on Mueret and then completely misses a middle rope senton, but it ‘connects’. Luzbel with a Superfly Splash. The rudos are in control! Muerte makes a comeback and takes out all three rudos. Muerte Fantastico with a very cool suicide senton through the middle ropes. Drabek does a tope, Pony does a plancha from the top rope. Dance Boy does a flying cross body from the top rope. Dance Boy’s didn’t look very pretty either. Fuego builds up to his big plancha. Fuego tries to do tope, but he jets into the top rope! HAHAHAHA! He totally messes it up, gets caught up in the ropes and just falls over. He basically powerbombed himself on the apron. The fans are all over him too. Meanwhile in the ring Dance Boy with a shin dropkick, into a la majistral cradle….1 ….2 Kickout. The ref took forever on the pin. Clearly this is a heel ref. Luzbel power bombs Pony and the ref counts super fast, but Pony gets out at 2.999999! Pony with a very cool small package, but another slow ref count makes it 2. Pony is pissed! He gets ANOTHER pin, but this time the ref ignores it to argue with other rudos outside. Luzbel then fakes getting a low blow and the referee calls for the bell. Total BS.

Winners: Luzbel, Dance Boy and Drabek

– Kicking and Screaming! Its got Soccer, so you should do see it!
– Ingles Sin Barreas teaches you to speak English. So jump the border, and already know the language!

We’re back, and we get replays of the action. Even replays of the blown plancha from Fuego. The fake-out low blow gets a few camera views, and its clear that he wasn’t lowblowed at all.

Verdict: Pretty crappy match. I was going to say Fuego was the one to watch in the future, but then he totally blew the plancha spot. I’ve never quite seen a screw up like that in Lucha. The rudos didn’t do much to impress either. This match was just all sorts of wrong pieces in the wrong places. Sorta like Chris Masters wrestling. Good thing I’m not doing stars this week.

As we head BACK to commercial we get a preview of Taka battling someone. Hey is he wearing shorts?

– AmeriKash wants to give you a credit card! LLAME YA!
– Planeta Sur tells you all about animals. Its the Mexican WILD KINGDOM!
– Bridgette Jones 2 on PPV! In Spanish!

We’re back and here comes Mini-Psicosis with deluxe Psicosis. I’m told that this isn’t the original Psicosis, but he’s a much better imposter then La Parka. Here comes Mascarita Sagrada! Now here comes Abismo Negro and Mini-Abismo Negro! Abismo shoots out the fire! I love the Abismo Negros! Mini-Abismo Negro has a title of some sort, so assume its the midget title. Last but not least, here comes Octagon and his mini counterpart…Octagoncito! He’s hella over!

Mini-Psicosis versus Mascarita Sagrada versus Mini-Abismo Negro versus Octagoncito

Talk about your double vision! We’ve got 4 minature versions of 4 large wrestlers. Anyone remember Mini-Vader, and Mini-Mankind? Ahh, those were the days. The rule here is, the two men who lose (This is single elimination) will have to fight down the line sometime, in a MASK VERSUS MASK MATCH! So basically you don’t want to be eliminated in this match. Also, the big versions of everyone are sent to the back. So if I call someone Abismo, or Psicosis, and don’t say MINI, that still means we’re talking about the MINIS. Unless I not that original recipe wrestlers are back out. Mini-Abismo and Mini-Psicosis could be regular wrestlers. Hell that could apply for Octagoncito too. Mini-Abismo starts us off with Octagoncito. Actually I take that back, everyone is in the ring. Mini-Psicosis is beating on Mascarita, while Octagoncito is taking a whipping from Mini-Abismo. Mini-Abismo unties part of Octagoncito’s mask while Mini-Psicosis chokes Mascarita on the middle rope. Octagoncito springs off the ropes, but gets tossed head first into the turnbuckle corner by Mini-Psicosis! Octagoncito and Mascarita sent off the ropes, but they make a comeback and get a rana/facejam on the rudos! Dropkick by Mascarita Sagrada to Mini-Psicosis. Abismo and Psicosis start slapping each other. Mini Psicosis and Mini Abismo start fighting each other. Mini-Psicosis misses a moonsault. Mini-Abismo super kicks him. The fans chant for him. Mini Abismo flips over Mini Psicosis, and sunset flips him. Mini-Psicosis kicks him in the head. DDT! Mini Abismo just PLANTED him. He misses a pair of lariats, and they COLLIDE mid-ring. Octagoncito and Mascarita toss them out of the ring. Octagoncito does some flips, but Mascarita catches him with a dropkick. Then off the top rope with a flying sideways headbutt on Octagoncito. Octagoncito with a armdrag, and then a series of flips and pin attempts. Octagoncito chops Mascarita! Mascarita replies with one of his own! Octagoncito charges, but Mascarita Sagrada locks him in the cross arm breaker. CODE RED! SHADES OF SGT.CRAIG PITBULL PITTMAN! Octagoncito tags out, and in comes Abismo. He catches a plancha from Mascarita and turns it into a backroll press. That gets a 2! BRUTAL submission half by Abismo on Mascarita, but I can’t explain it. Psicosis breaks that up, and he and Abismo lock it up again. Snap Suplex by Mini Psicosis! Octagoncito sneaks in and hits a TKO into a driver. Octagoncito with a standing moonsault, but the pin is broke up by Abismo. Octagoncito with a Finley Roll, and then a springboard moonsault. But again Mini Abismo breaks it up. Mini Abismo tosses Psicosis, and in comes Mascarita! Mascarita takes control, then off the top rope…DRAGON-RANA by Mascarita to the OUTSIDE! In the ring Mini Psicosis and Octagoncito battle it out. Octagoncito with a arm drag that sends Psicosis out of the ring. Octagoncito then with a INSANE vaulting plancha onto Mini-Psicosis, turns Mini-Psicosis inside out! Octagoncito is a dare devil! Octagoncito back into the ring, he dives off the top and hits a rana on Abismo! He moonsaults onto Abismo and gets powerslammed. Mini Abismo goes up top. DIVING SENTON! MISSES! Octagoncito arbar pin, gets 2! Octagoncito kicks and punches to Mini Abismo. But Mini Abismo flips behind Octagoncito and hits GERMAN SUPLEX! Holds the bridge for a pin! …1 …2 …3! Octagoncito has been eliminated! Psicosis comes in and hits a school boy on Abismo, but Negro kicks out. Mascarita comes in and tries his hand with the larger foes. Psicosis and Abismo double team Mascarita Sagrada. Mascarita dodges some attacks and then takes Psicosis down. Psicosis tosses Abismo out of the ring with a monkey flip. Mascarita Sagrada and Psicosis fight it out, but Abismo tries to get back into the ring. Mascarita Sagrada takes him out. Mascarita Sagrada prepares for a huge plancha, but Mini Psicosis knocks him down! Deluxe Psicosis comes running down the aisle with a chair. He waits and hides til the time is right then he gets in the ring with a steel chair, and meaning to hit Mascarita with it, but he ducks and he hits Mini Psicosis instead. Octagoncito comes into the ring and dropkicks the chair into Big Psicosis face, but he ends up getting hit over the head with the chair for his trouble. In the meanwhile, Mascarita goes over and moonsaults onto Mini Psicosis. …1 …2 …3! Mini Psicosis and Octagoncito will meet later for the mask vs mask match. Octagon chases off Psicosis deluxe.

This week’s Lucha Links are brought to you by the sexiest man in all of Mexico…SUPER PORKY!color>

Porky is saying something, and I know what it is. But do you? Special points for whoever emails me first with the right answer. Or if you don’t know the right answer, make something funny up! What is Super Porky saying?? The best answers will be printed in this column next week! Anyway here’s Porky’s favorite links for this week…

– Larry Csonka has the line of the week with “Squash is not only a vegetable, but an important wrestling tool as well.” in this column here!
– Peter Kent has a good explanation on why Hogan is more over then any other wrestler ever.
– Don Bishop has one of those columns I hate, in which he says Hulk Hogan killed WCW. Gee and I thought Hogan was the one who turned the company around and made it make money for the first time…ever.
– And yours truly calls Mick Foley a fat turd, and no one objected! Be sure to read that here!
– Last but not least…Pamela Anderson has a BLOG! Whoooooo! Oh and Pam is still hot. If you don’t think so, you are clearly a homo. Net nerdz who are ‘above’ Pam piss me off.

We’re back, and its verdict time on the midget match…

Verdict: A really fun match. Its amazing what there minis can do. Had this match not been under the strange rules, it’d easily been a better match then anything we’ve seen on RAW or IMPACT in the last week. Unfortunately, since this match was only 2 eliminations, it doesn’t get as high a rating. But these minis are really talented, and this match was off the charts in terms of excitement. I’d be interested in seeing Octagoncito fight Mini Abismo sometime in the future.

– Call Americated to get 10 cent calls to anywhere in the US!
– Kissimee Florida is cooler then you think it is! Go there for your next vacation!
– VISITFLORIDA.com would like you to go to Florida, but not necessarily Kissimee.
– If you are being illegally prostituted in Mexico, call 1-888-3737-888….well that’s certainly interesting.

We’re back, and its time for some more AAA action! Here comes the BLACK FAMILY! Cuervo, Ozz, & Scoria look as creepy as ever. Their opponents? The Barrio Boys! Last time the Barrios were called Dynamic Dudes, but NOW they seem to be channeling 3 Count. Which I guess depending on who you are, could be a good thing.

Cuervo, Ozz and Scoria versus Decnis, Alan and Billy Boy

I’m not a huge fan of either of these teams, but none of them are terrible either. Lot of stalling to start. Alan and Ozz do some very weak ground work, and then do a bunch of pointless flips. Decnis comes in, and he and Alan get rid of all of the Black Family. Decnis with a highly convoluted spot that sees him using the Black Family against each other. Scoria comes back in and gets a cool handspring dropkick, and then the Black Family take charge again. Getting ahold of Decnis the Black Family give him a mean powerbomb. Alan and Billy Boy come in and clear that Black Family out. They do a cool flapjack on Scoria. Ozz and Cuervo come back in and send Billy Boy into the ropes and do a double dropkick. Ozz then comes off the top with a guillotine legdrop on Billy Boy. Decnis and Alan come back in and send Ozz out of the ring. Springboard corkscrew plancha on Ozz. The Black Family come back in and we’ve got a 2 on 2 brawl. Inverted powerbomb by Scoria. Scoria and Cuervo lock Decnis and Alan in a cool pair of submissions, but that gets broken up by Billy Boy. Alan kicks Cuervo out of the ring. The Barrio Boys clear the ring and then do a pair of twisting corkscrew planchas over the top rope. Scoria kills Alan with a Asai Moonsault. This action is hard to call, they are just ALL OVER the freaking place. Cuervo gets a sharpshooter on Billy, but Decnis breaks it up. Decnis with a spinning torture rack hold on Scoria, but that gets broken up. Alan with a HUGE back kick, into a surfboard pin, but Ozz breaks that up at the last second. Ozz locks on a double underhook submission, but Billy Boy breaks that up. Ozz clobbers him with chops and kicks. Bolly Boy battles back, and all three Black Family members try and take out the Barrio Boys but the Barrios get TRIPLE DROPKICKS! Here comes Mr. Aguila, Charly Manson and Athor, and they’ve got steel chairs! They hide at ringside, as as the Black Family get sent out of the ring, all three Barrio’s head for planchas…BUT Mr. Aguila, Charly Manson & Athor WHACK them in the head with chairs. Ouch. The ref finally calls for the bell, as the Black Family do some beatings in the ring. We head to commercial!

Winners: The Barrio Boys: Decnis, Alan and Billy Boy

– Graciasmama.com says you should A La Venta Ya!
– ANOTHER Kicking & Screaming commercial. They seriously think this has cross over appeal.
– ACCION! Its all the best Mexican sports, ya heard?

Verdict: I tend to hate Black Family matches, not because they aren’t good, but because they just brawl the whole time. This match followed that formula to the T, as we never had a actual match. Just non-stop action. I enjoy a good spot fest now and again, but this just wasn’t the night for me to enjoy this. Decent spots, but the DQ finish just kills any chance this had of being a stand out match.

We’re back and Charly Manson rambles something. Then he says LLL is Numero Uno! Well even I can understand that. Though the guys who emailed me and didn’t know RAW is designed to sell PPVs, probably wouldn’t.

We get some replays of the high spots in the match. Some good stuff in there, but they just couldn’t find a way to complete a match with it. Plus some of that stuff is just so convoluted. Suspension of disbelief and all, but jeesh. We also get a shot of the ugliest fan in the ugliest jacket, that he’s went nuts with the Bedazzler with! This guy makes “Tye-Dye Guy” look sane. Speaking of which, does Tye Dye guy read this site? If anyone knows Tye Dye Guy, have him email me. I saw him at RAW last week, but he wasn’t wearing his pattened shirt or carrying his sign. I’ve always wondered how he gets such great seats at so many shows. He should have a website or something. Ugh, more commercials and I’m not recapping them.

Now its time for some AAA in JAPAN! Arturo welcomes us to the International portion of the show. Then he has a interview with Charly Manson from Japan. Man Japan looks so cool. However Charly Manson sticks out like a sore thumb. Now lets get to some action from JAPAN!

We’re in a 4 sided ring again, as always for Japan. Intocable has the longest most ridiculously gay entrance, where he lets Japanese girls rub in his ass, and then basically rapes a fat chick. bouncing her on his hips and such. You don’t get entrances like that in the states, and for good reason. Zorro is out next, and he gives a rose to a Japanese cutie. Heavy Metal is out next, and he comes out to “Rainbow in the Dark” which instantly makes Heavy Metal cooler in my book. They are doing battle with LOS VIPERS! Psicosis, Histeria, & Mosco!

Intocable, El Zorro and Heavy Metal versus Psicosis, Histeria, and Mosco de la Merced

I’m starting to get the feeling that we won’t be seeing Juvi, Taka and the others mentioned last week. Despite a advertisement EARLIER in the show for that match. Perhaps next week. Lot of stalling to start. Heavy Metal and Histeria lock up first, Heavy with a arm drag. Histeria gets out of it, and they stare each other down. Leg trip by Histeria. He turns that into a leg bar. COBRA CLUTCH by Heavy Metal to get out of that. Now Heavy locks a legbar on Histeria, but that gets reversed. Heavy with a double cross arm drag. More arm work sequences, until the Vipers have enough and all bum rush the ring knocking the tecnicos off the apron. They triple team Heavy Metal. Then they beat on Inocable, and steal Zorro’s kendo stick. Zorro gets dropkicked. Heavy Metal back in and he gets the Mamalukes finishing move. Anyone remember the name of that? Piscosis hits the TKO on Intocable. There is some wierd audio here, where they seemed to have overdubbed the crowd. Its like watching Smackdown! But I can’t comprehend why they would do that, unless they are trying to make the Japanese crowd sound more excited then they are. Histeria gets a very cool baseball slide Patriot missile off the apron onto Intocable. Zorro in the ring and he gets triple teamed. Mosco with a tilt-a-whirl sideslam on Zorro. Heavy Metal comes in and eats a TRIPLE BIG BOOT! The Vipers try to beat on Heavy some more, but he gets a flying back elbow that takes two of them down. Then he snap mares Histeria, and dropkicks him. Mosco and Heavy lock up, but that doesn’t lead to anywhere. Heavy Metal tries to unmask Mosco! Zorro comes in and Histeria trips him up on the ropes. Histeria MISSES a Stinger splash, and honestly kills himself in the process. That piece of trash Arturo is SINGING again. Why must this guy sing during the matches? What kind of commentator does that shit? Anyway he’s still probably better then JR. Intocable in, and he dances to entice, or taunt Psicosis. Psicosis wants none of that, and Intocable takes him down with a series of arm drags. Intocable knocks him out of the ring and does a swanton plancha. Heavy Metal and Mosco lock up, and Mosco slips under Heavy Metal’s legs and LOSES his mask! Mosco grabs it and puts it back on, but that shoulda been a DQ. The Vipers get back into the ring and Intocable UNMASKS Mosco again! Guess he’s been unmasked before or something I dunno. But its in plain view of the referee. Zorro canes his bare head, and then Intocable does a crazy dive into the crowd. Heavy Metal is beating on Mosco. Heavy Metal with a press slam on Mosco! Then Heavy Metal cradles up Mosco, and that gets a 3 count! Mosco looks upset, he was unmasked and all.

Winners: Intocable, Zorro and Heavy Metal!

– ACCION! Its all your favorite sports wrapped into ONE!
– Los Reporteros get to the scoops before you can even think about what has happened!
– `Shall we Dance’ on PPV!
– Vincent Fernandez on CD, order now and get this cool poster!
– CRASH has Latino in it, we swear!

We’re back and Mosco is going nuts. He attacks the Vipers, and then he gets beat up. They double backdrop him. Psicosis and Histeria pummel him with forearms. LOW BLOW ON MOSCO! Histeria puts him in a head vice. Psicosis gets a steel chair and WHACKS Mosco over the back with it. Here comes Zorro and Heavy Metal back out, and they send the Vipers to the back. They ask Mosco to change his ways, and he gets a standing ovation….I suppose.

Verdict: Nothing terribly wrong with this match, but it seemed short and rushed. Nothing very fancy either. Just okay, and not main event worthy if you ask me.

We get clips of Taka Michinoku, and then some scenes of Intocable doing some insane dives. I presume this is a advertisement for NEXT WEEK, but they also hyped this stuff last week and didn’t show it tonight. We’re out of time….

Final Thoughts: Nothing to write home about this week. In fact, there seemed to be a TON of commercials this week. I’m not sure how they can have 15-20 minute matches one week without taking one commercial, and then this week take a commercial pretty much every 5 minutes. Interestingly enough, the MINIS match was the best match this week. A trend I see all too often with AAA. I think that’s because they don’t overbook the Minis. I’m really tiring of the LLL/AAA feud, and the lame DQ wins. Why fight for 10 minutes to have a pointless DQ? It boggles the mind. Thumbs down from me for this week, but if you like exciting midget wrestling, then check out that 4 way as it was wicked. Until next time, I’ll see you around. Feel free to hit me up with some feedback on ANY of my columns that are up now. I respond to every email I get, so I’ll be more then willing to discuss my views on things. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you in 7!