411’s AAA/CMLL Report 7.12.05

Hola and welcome to another fast paced edition of 411’s Lucha Libre report. This is a milestone as we’ve nearly reached a halfway point and perhaps have managed to build some sort of a audience. Still its really unknown at this point. Now I’m not the kind of guy to give out cheap plugs to myself, but I have decided to hide some buried gems in this week’s column. Cause, you know its fun. Plus feedback has been low for this column, and frankly I think that’s a bunch of crap. So I’m going to start throwing stuff at the wall and see what sticks. Its like Vince Russo booking, but its a lucha report. It’ll promise to be interesting if nothing else. Plus I’m throwing in lots of plugs for stuff, hidden.

Before I continue I must admit, while reading this Lucha Libre is important you should rush to read this BREAKING NEWS ABOUT MATT HARDY!

I kid, I kid. But I did mention that Matt working ROH was a sign he was going to the WWE, because ROH is in the WWE’s pocket. I’m right about this of course, ROH is just like ECW and they have no longer made themselves a true indpendant promotion. Its a shame really. Then again its a shame to see Matt Hardy sell his life out for a gimmick. Way to go Matt. Still Hardy promised in his “shoot” comments that he could show up ANYWHERE. Lets hope he doesn’t show up on today’s Lucha program!

Now without further adieu, lets get to tonight’s Lucha Libre action.

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7.12.05

CMLL is on the air!

Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucanero, & Averno versus Atlantis, Blue Panther & Negro Casas

I swear I’ve seen this six man pairing before. These guys go from last week’s main event, to this week’s opening bout! But whatever. Atlantis and Rey start us out, and man has this feud been running forever or what? Just give Ultimo and Rey a title shot already. Nice arm bar by Atlantis, but both men flip off each other and tag out. Ultimo unloads with chops in the corner to Negro Casas, but Casas reverses and gets some chops of his own. He dropkicks Ultimo in the knee and rolls him up for a small package. That gets the 3!

Winner of Fall #1: Atlantis, Blue Panther & Negro Casas

Well that was certainly short and uneventful. Ultimo and Atlantis are going at it now. Irish whip by Ultimo. Atlantis walks up the ropes and dropkicks Rey Bucanero and does a arm drag to Ultimo. Ultimo is quickly back on his feet and charges at Atlantis. Atlantis backdrops him, and takes out both Rey Bucanero AND Ultimo Guerrero! That’s what you get for trying to 2 on 1 Atlantis! Averno comes in and he gets kicked in the mouth. Tag to Blue Panther who comes in and unloads on Averno. Flying body press by Blue Panther. Headscissor by Panther, and he plans for a plancha but thinks better of it. Negro Casas gets tagged back in, but is quickly knocked out of the ring and Averno begins pummeling him on the outside. Inside the ring all three rudos beat on Atlantis now. After a few minutes of this its a 3 on 1 to Blue Panther! Panther tries to fight back but gets triple team powerbombed. Now Averno rolls outside and begins beating on Negro Casas. A pair of Tijuana slams, leading to two Boston crabs and the rudos win the fall!

Winner of Fall #2: Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucanero, & Averno

Wait, before we can get to the third fall…..MATT HARDY IS HERE! MATT HARDY IS HERE! OH MY GOD! He’s showed up in CMLL!!?!!

Wait nevermind, that’s just Matt’s brother Jeff. The more popular of the Hardy Boyz, but he’s not under WWE contract. We’re sorry for this false Matt Hardy alert.

Its third fall time and Negro Casas locks up a scissor sleeper to Averno. Negro and Averno are going at it hot and heavy, but Negro backdrops Averno out of the ring. Ultimo comes in and battles Negro to the apron, Negro planchas onto Averno! Ultimo is shocked, but Blue Panther attacks him. Panther shoves Ultimo out of the ring, and then suicide dives onto Ultimo! Rey Bucanero and Atlantis lock it up and Atlantis unloads like a house of fire, but wait Rey rips Atlantis mask off behind the ref’s back, and as Atlantis reaches for his mask Rey rolls him up. …1 …2 ….3! Insanity! Rey Bucanero, Averno and Ultimo Guerrero beat Atlantis and Blue Panther AGAIN!

WINNER: Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucanero, & Averno!

We’ve got to go to commercial, but if Matt Hardy should show up during the break, we’ll keep the tape machines rolling!

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Verdict: Very short for a trios match, but it got the point across. Atlantis & Blue Panther just can‘t seem to beat these guys, and that‘s a compelling storyline. How long can they deny them a title shot?

We’re back, and we get several views of the Lucha skanks coming to the ring with the wrestlers. For those of you horny perverts at home, I have a picture of a lucha skank somewhere in this report later.

Felino, Safari, & Volador Jr. versus Sangre Azteca, Arkangel, & Pierroth Jr.

CMLL likes to burn me out on the Trios matches, and I fully expect today to be nothing but trios matches. The first match they kept short and action packed, but can they do the same with this one? I have my doubts. Pierroth and Safari go at it with the basics, Pierroth with a nice leg tie up but Safari monkey flips him. Impressive monkey flip by Safari, and if he was in the Diva Search, clearly I’d vote for him. Felino and Sangre Azteca tagged in. Felino with a headscissor. The holding variety not the flipping one. Sangre has one of the most unique masks in all of Mexico, of course its also ugly as sin too. Sangre takes Felino down with a headlock, and grounds him for a while till Felino hip tosses his way out of it. Volador and Arkangel in now. Bumbling by these two. Hip toss into a arm drag and Arkangel tags into Pierroth. Pierroth chops him out of the ring, and Sangre planchas onto Volador! Pierroth grabs Felino and locks on a Texas Cloverleaf, while Arkangel locks on a half crab to Safari. That’s good enough for a pair of submissions, and to give the rudos the early lead.

Winners of Fall #1: Sangre Azteca, Arkangel, & Pierroth Jr

Second verse, same as the first. The rudos are slaughtering the tecnicos in the early moments of the second fall. Triple clotheslines in the corner for Volador and then Sangre frankensteiners him from the top rope. Felino starts to make a comeback but he ends up getting pummeled as well. They clubbering! Its a .1 on the Nasty Boy scale of Clubbering. Safari bounces off the ropes and does a double flipping arm drag to Pierroth and Arkangle, but Sangre Azteca kicks him in the face to stop all that. Felino does a corkscrew moonsault to angle and Pierroth, but Sangre and Safari are still going at it. Volador topes Pierroth. That’s gotta hurt! Felino then runs and dives over the rope and does a pescado to Arkangel. Sangre goes for a Tijuana slam, but Safari uses his legs for a roll into a pin. Safari pins Azteca to win this fall.

Winners of Fall #2: Felino, Safari, & Volador Jr

Impressive fast paced back and fourth matchup so far. Tied 1 to 1, and this final fall will decide it all. Arkangel pounds on the chest of Felino as the fall begins. Backelbow in the corner by Arkangel. Arkangel is wearing a chest plate, sort of like Batman. Felino snaps and gets a running clothesline then takes Arkangel to the apron and rams his chest into it repeatedly. He chases after Arkangel who takes off running. Safari and Sangre Azteca get into the ring, and Sangre begins whipping Safari’s ass again. Repeated kicks and a Irish whip, but Safari catches Sangre in the corner with a double foot to the face. Safari tries to hook in a surfboard, but before he can Pierroth comes in and dropkicks him in the face. Safari tries to pin Pierroth off a la majistral, but Pierroth rolls it into a cross arm breaker, and Safari is in trouble. He tags out to Volador, who comes in and misses a 619 and gets belly-to-belly suplexed. Felino breaks up a pin attempt, and Felino picks Pierroth up….RAZOR’S EDGE! Safari does a wild looking head scissor roll up to Arkangel, and then Volador tries to rana angel, but Arkangel catches it and slams him down. Safari dives out with a insane plancha headfirst to Sangre that knocks him into the front row seats. Volador then does a nice flying head scissors move into a DDT on Pierroth and pins him. Felino then does a reverse figure four leglock and submits Arkangel.

WINNERS: Felino, Safari, & Volador Jr!

The tecnicos celebrate and we’re going to have to head to commercial.

Verdict: Fun match. I‘d really like to see Felino and Pierroth in a singles match. They really were the highlights of this contest, and I could see a feud forming between the two. Another quick paced matchup, and I can‘t ask for much more then that.

Wait, wait I’m getting word from the back….something is going on. Don’t go to commercial yet…its MATT HARDY! He’s here!

Wait…never mind, its just a CMLL lucha skank. We’ve gotta take a commercial break, but you stare at her boobies and enjoy these commercial messages. MATTWATCH WILL CONTINUE!

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Universo 2000, Cien Caras, Mascara Ano 2000 versus Pierroth, Hijo Del Pierroth, and Hijo Del Perro Aquayo

The GRANDPA SQUAD returns! Its been a while since we’ve seen Universo 2000, Cien Caras and Mascara Ano 2000! The Grandpa Squad is back baby! Better then ever I suspect too! Before the entrances are even over Pierroth runs down to the ring and attacks. Perro Aguayo dives off the top rope with his Taskmaster double stomp, and then Hijo Del Pierroth pins Universo 2000! Now before there is anymore confusion, the Pierroth in the last match was Pierroth Jr. Pierroth Sr. is in this match, and Hijo Del Pierroth is a completely different guy. He’s a old Cuban, who we’ve covered in this report before. Anyway, they got the jump on the Grandpa Squad, beat the tar out of them and stole a quick pin and the first fall.

Winners of Fall #1: Pierroth, Hijo Del Pierroth, and Hijo Del Perro Aguayo

Wait its him! MATT HARDY IS HERE!

Matt Hardy has just showed up and he’s attacking Kane circa 2003! Oh My God! He’s getting revenge for Kane sleeping with Lita! But shouldn’t he go after Edge? I don’t know, but Hardy is here and he’s choking the life out of Kane! Security is here, and they’ve chased Hardy off. What MORE could happen? We’ll find out after this commercial break!

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Alright ladies and gentlemen we’re back for the second fall. Pierroth, Hijo Del Pierroth, and Hijo Del Perro Aguayo stole the first fall away just as Matt Hardy appeared. Its time for the second fall, and things are getting underway quick! Its a wild brawl with everyone chopping and punching each other all around the arena. Pierroth pounds on Cien Caras in the corner. On the other side of the ring Hijo Del Pierroth, and Hijo Del Perro Aguayo go to work on Universo 2000! Hijo Del Pierroth is slapping the back of Universo and then he backdrops him. They send him to the ropes again and this time Perro Aguayo dropkicks him in the chest. The Grandpa squad starts making a comeback as Cien pulls Pierroth out of the ring and begins kicking him in the chest. In the ring Universo 2000 Irish whips Hijo del Pierroth and clotheslines him in the corner. Mascara Ano 2000 chases Perro Aguayo up to the entrance ramp. All three members of the Grandpa squad grab a arm or a leg of Hijo Del Pierroth and begin twisting and yanking until he has no choice but to submit! The Grandpa Squad pick up the second fall!

Winners of Fall #2: Universo 2000,Cien Caras, Mascara Ano 2000

Third and final fall. The action is very slow, as the combined ages of all these men is 3000. Universo and Mascara have the number 2000 in their name, because that’s how old they are. Seriously Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair could beat these guys in a race anyday. Hijo del Pierroth has lost his belt, what else is new? Universo 2000, Cien Caras, Mascara Ano 2000 beat Hijo del Pierroth with his own belt. There is no way if you are reading this at home you can keep up with all these names. The Grandpa Squad are now all three beating on Perro Aguayo. Pierroth tries to get into the ring, but they knock him off the apron. Finally Pierroth does get into the ring, and he chops Mascara Ano but that’s not going to get it done. He gets triple teamed by Universo 2000, Cien Caras, Mascara Ano 2000 until he’s tossed from the top rope. All three men beat on Pierroth and send him out of the ring. Universo 2000 does a suicide dive onto Pierroth! Here comes Perro Sr! He runs into the ring and attacks Cien Caras! Perro Sr! Perro Sr! Its madness as all sorts of people from CMLL start running in, and we have a huge boring brawl. Universo 2000, Cien Caras, Mascara Ano 2000 win by DQ!

WINNERS: Universo 2000, Cien Caras, Mascara Ano 2000 !

Perro Sr. grabs a mic and starts rambling on. Perro Sr. has got to be 100 years old. Well that was certainly boring. Here comes Matt Hardy again!

Matt Hardy attacks a monkey. TWIST OF FATE! MY GOD!!!!!! Security is out here to chase Matt Hardy off again. He really is making Edge & Lita’s life a living hell. He’s the loose cannon Matt Hardy! You never know where he’ll be!

Verdict: Crap. I hate Hijo Del Pierroth, and I hate the entire Grandpa Squad. I‘m not sure if either has EVER been in a good match. I‘m not ashamed to ruin the contest with lame Matt Hardy jokes.

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Time for our main event. Have you found any hidden links in this column? I hope note. That would be devious to hide cheap plugs in the column. Anyway, Dr. Wagner Jr. makes a short entrance with a hottie by his side. Then Shocker makes his entrance with a lucha skank, Kenmonito dressed as Robin, YES KENMONITO DRESSED LIKE ROBIN, and Shocker is wearing the mask from Gladiator. You know, the Steve Austin “UNLEASH HELL” mask. This is insane! If Shocker wore half this shit in TNA he’d be the most popular wrestler on the planet! This is for the Copa Junior tournament, this is the final, and this huge trophy is at ringside for the winner. This should be good.

Gran Final to the Copa Junior:
Shocker versus Dr. Wagner Jr.

Handshake before the bell, and both men go to their separate corners awaiting the ref to start the match. Shocker also has weird face paint on. Collar and elbow lockup and Dr. Wagner wins and pushes Shocker to the turnbuckle. Clean break, and Dr. Wagner styles and profiles. We get clips of who these men beat to get here. Shocker with a quick takedown on Dr. Wagner. Shocker floats over into a headlock, then rolls Dr. Wagner into a pin. He only gets a 1 count, as Dr. Wagner will not be beaten so easily. Side headlock by Dr. Wagner but Shocker sends him to the ropes, and Dr. Wagner hits a HUGE shoulderblock that causes Shocker to 360! Dr. Wagner misses a elbow drop, and Shocker drops 2 into the kidneys of Dr. Wagner which draws some boos from the crowd. Dr. Wagner grabs Shocker, flips him over and locks in a face buster submission hold. Dr. Wagner twists it and is kicking Shocker in the neck, and Shocker has no choice but to submit!

Winner of Fall #1: Dr. Wagner

Its time for the second fall, and Dr. Wagner is feeling good. Shocker knows he’s got to make a comeback and quick. The second round ring card girl is HOT to trot. Dr. Wagner with a arm wringer and he twists it back into the same submission that caused Shocker to submit! Shocker manages to get his foot on the bottom rope, and barely saves himself in this match. Dr. Wagner clotheslines Shocker in the corner. Another corner lariat, and a bulldog by Dr. Wagner! Shocker kicks out at 2! Shocker is hurting here, and Dr. Wagner is getting just a little full of himself. Kenmonito is on the apron jumping up and down trying to get Shocker to get back into it. Shocker ducks a clothesline and nails two arm drags followed by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Dr. Wagner tries to escape, but Shocker turns on a inverted Scorpion deathlock, that starts to fall apart. Shocker modifies it to a half crab, and Dr. Wagner gives up.

Winner of Fall #2: Shocker

This final fall must decide who is the Copa Junior tourney winner. Shocker and Dr. Wagner begin exchanging chops. Shocker with a big left hook, but misses a big boot and Dr. Wagner turns it into a dragon screw legwhip as Kenmonito watches on. Dr. Wagner dropkicks Shocker to the entrance ramp. Dr. Wagner with a big forearm and suplexes Shocker back into the ring. Wait no, Dr. Wagner gets reversed and Shocker suplexes Dr. Wagner from the apron onto the hard steel entrance ramp. BRUTAL! Shocker tries a clothesline, but Dr. Wagner tries to backflip him over the ropes, Shocker holds it and arm drags Dr. Wagner out of the ring. Shocker into the ring and lightning quick out of the ring with a BEAUTIFUL flip dive to Dr. Wagner! Shocker gets in the ring, but doesn’t get a moment to celebrate as Dr. Wagner lariats him down with authority. Dr. Wagner goes for another but Shocker dropkicks him down, and climbs to the top rope. FLYING ELBOW SMASH! SHADES OF MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE! ….1 …..2 That gets a 2 count, but Dr. Wagner kicks out. Shocker climbs up to the top rope for another, but Dr. Wagner cuts him off and nails a European uppercut to him on the top rope. Dr. Wagner with a superplex from the top. …1 …2 ….KICKOUT by Shocker! Both men are sweating heavily as this epic contest for the finals continues. Dr. Wagner with a double underhook into a sitout powerbomb. Beautiful butterfly powerbomb not seen since the hey-day of Scott Steiner. Dr. Wagner puts the boots to a hurting Shocker, while Kenmonito gets the crowd behind Shocker. Dr. Wagner picks Shocker up for a Ultimo Dragon-style running powerbomb, but at the last second Shocker hurricaranas out of it! Shocker back to his feet, as Dr. Wagner stumbles to his. SPEAR BY SHOCKER! ….1 ……2 ….KICKOUT AT THE LAST SECOND! What a matchup between these two lucha veterans. Shocker is wondering what it will take. The fans are split between Shocker and Dr. Wagner chants. Shocker with a big chop, but he misses a charge and Dr. Wagner gets a rollup. …1 …2 Shocker gets his hand on the bottom rope. Both men are wore out. HUGE slap to the back by Dr. Wagner. Dr. Wagner goes for a roll up, but Shocker rolls through and nails a big boot! Shocker goes for a figure four but Dr. Wagner kicks him right i the face. Out that’d make Tajiri cringe. Dr. Wagner applies a Mexican surfboard to the legs of Shocker, then rolls back into a perfect Mexican surfboard. Shocker shows great strength and escapes. Stomping Dr. Wagner and locking in a STF to Dr. Wagner! Dr. Wagner is in the middle of the ring, nowhere to go as Shocker wrenches it in. Dr. Wagner crawls towards the ropes, but Shocker won’t let him reach them. Dr. Wagner crawls some more, and GETS THE ROPE! Shocker breaks the hold and Dr. Wagner nails a short arm clothesline. PIN! …1 …2 …shoulder up by Shocker. Dr. Wagner nails a German suplex release. Both men are weary to their feet. Dr. Wagner goes for a scoop slam, but Shocker gets out of it and nails a MICHINOKU DRIVER! Dr. Wagner is seeing stars as Shocker goes for the figure four leglock again, but Dr. Wagner has the presence of mind to grab him and gets the small package. …1 …2 ……kickout at 2 1/2! Shocker blocks a clothesline and rolls through it with a twisting roll up. …1 ….2 ….3! Shocker beats Dr. Wagner! What a matchup. A hot chick, some officials and Kenmonito are in the ring for Shocker as he is presented the Copa Junior trophy. Dr. Wagner and Shocker shake hands and hug.

WINNER: SHOCKER!

All kinds of kids get int he ring and celebrate with Shocker, putting him up on their shoulders and parading him around. Dr. Wagner gets the mic and he’s glad that Shocker won, but he wants another match. They both have titles, and the way he sees it, they should fight to unify the titles. Shocker gets the mic, and agrees he and Dr. Wagner are great champions. He beat Dr. Wagner today to win the tournament, and if Dr. Wagner wants another match, he can have one. Dr. Wagner is happy, and they celebrate agreeing to tear the house down again at a future date.

Verdict: Great match. This played to both men‘s strengths and is easily the best match I‘ve seen Shocker in. Dr. Wagner and Shocker really took it to the limit, and went back and fourth tit for tat, with great moves. I really like it when the Lucha slows down enough to make each move count. This was that kind of match, with plenty of near falls and a hot start to finish.

Well I guess that does it for our show…wait Matt Hardy is back! Oh my god…he’s with EDGE! Its gonna be a brawl! A blood bath….wait….they are hugging! OH MY GOD WE’VE BEEN SWERVED! They are really friends! Its all fake! Oh the humanity!

Matt Hardy and Edge are really friends! Its all a work! Here comes Lita! How will Hardy react! OH NO! Lita is getting into the ring with Hardy! This is the first time we’ve seen Lita and Hardy together in the same ring since Kane’s wedding…..

He’s kissing her! Noooooooooooo! Matt Hardy & Lita are back together! MY GOD! The taste of Edge’s cock must be in Hardy’s mouth by now! Hardy has cock mouth! Matt is swaping spit with the woman who sucked Edge’s troll penis!

They look petrified by the taste!

I really don’t know what to say! Edge, Lita and Matt Hardy are all working on this together. The mystery has been solved. I would have never expected this. I thought Matt Hardy had balls. I thought Matt was going to be anywhere and everywhere bad mouthing Edge and Lita. I thought Matt Hardy was going to tear up the independent scene. But instead it appears Matt has went back to the WWE to turn his real life drama into a angle. Now Matt Hardy has cock mouth. What a sad display. The misery…the horror….the lameness……We’re out of time. We’ve got to go….

Final Thoughts: This was perhaps my most insane Lucha Libre column ever. But really, why not have some fun at the expense of this ridiculous Hardy drama. As for the CMLL show itself, well the main event was awesome. The rest of the show was average, and aside from the Grandpa Squad match all the action was good. Now send me some feedback fuckers!