411’s WWE Heat Report 01.20.08

Hey guys and gals, I’m Scott, and this is 411’s ALL-NEW, ALL-DIFFERENT WWE Heat Report.

I’ve always prided myself on writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net, and part of being the best is continually striving to improve. So recently I was proud to debut a completely new format for the Heat Report. The most dramatic change was a drastic reduction in the length of the play-by-play. I loved writing in-depth, detailed reports of each match, but I completely understand that most readers would rather just get right to the highlights. So from now on I’m going to be presenting a more condensed Overview of each match in order to give you a clear view of the main events while skipping over some of the more minor details. However, in order to compensate for the abbreviated length of the Overview, I’m also going to be adding a Background, Analysis, and Rating for each match. The Background will provide a brief review of the recent events in the careers of each of the wrestlers involved in the match while the Analysis and Rating will allow me to give you my opinion on the quality and future implications of the match. Finally, I’ll still include the Result, Length, and Best Spot in order to continue to provide the most complete coverage possible. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

Match 1: DH Smith vs. Santino Marella

Background: The British Bullpuppy made his Heat debut four weeks ago with a victory over Charlie Haas. That loss evidently sent Haas over the deep end, and the newly bat shit Haas will be in action later in this episode. Anyway, Smith defeated jobber David Owen two weeks ago on Heat and bested jobber Greg Cardona last week on Heat. Smith looks to remain undefeated on Heat and continues to try to earn himself some air time on Raw. Santino Marella is a tool. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And you know it’s true. He’s got a bad haircut, and he’s bumpin’ uglies with Maria. That’s more than enough to make me hate him. However, Marella did defeat Brian Kendrick last week on Heat and then qualified for the Royal Rumble along with his partner Carlito by winning a tag team match at a Raw brand house show in Tallahassee, Florida on January 12.

Overview: Smith takes control early with a standing side headlock into a headlock takedown before kicking out of a head scissors by Marella. Smith gets another headlock takedown before kicking out of another head scissors by Marella. Ooh, it’s like déjà vu or something. Marella finds a standing side headlock before purposely over-selling a shoulder block from Smith just to buy some time. Smith catches Marella with another headlock takedown for a one count before blocking a head scissors and getting another one count. Smith scores with a running shoulder block for a one count followed by another headlock takedown for another one count. Smith gets another running shoulder block and a modified belly-to-back suplex for a two count. Smith goes back to the headlock takedown for a one count and then a two count, but Marella breaks the hold and runs the ropes before eating a standing drop kick from Smith for a two count.

Smith misses a standing drop kick, and Marella takes control for the first time in the match with a series of kicks and forearm shots to Smith’s back. Marella hits a back breaker for a two count and then locks in a Camel Clutch. Smith begins to fight out of the hold, so Marella gives him a few more kicks and forearm shots to the back before once again locking in the Camel Clutch. Smith finally fights back and counters into an Electric Chair Drop before hitting a running forearm smash, a running clothesline, and a standing drop kick. Smith whips Marella to the ropes and goes for a big back body drop, but Marella counters and once again works over Smith’s back. Marella hits the ropes and charges at Smith, but Smith catches him with a Power Slam for a two count. Smith whips Marella to the corner and charges after him, but Marella slides out of the way and then catches Smith with a swinging neck breaker for the three count.

Analysis: This was certainly a basic, no-frills match, but that’s really what both of these guys need at this point in their careers. It was great to see them get a decent amount of time so that they could both gain some experience in a slightly longer match. Marella needs to pick up some more wins like this after spending most of 2007 doing a lot of talking and very little actual wrestling. This was also Smith’s first loss on Heat, but that was bound to happen eventually. The most important thing for Smith at this point is gaining experience in the ring regardless of whether he wins the match or not.

Result: Santino Marella defeats DH Smith with a swinging neck breaker.
Length: 7:31
Best Spot: Smith’s modified belly-to-back suplex
Rating: *½

Match 2: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan & Super Crazy vs. The Highlanders

Background: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan & Super Crazy have been feuding with The Highlanders for almost three months. The Highlanders defeated Duggan & Crazy on the November 2, 2007 episode of Heat, but Duggan & Crazy gained a small measure of revenge when they teamed up with “Hardcore” Holly & Cody Rhodes to defeat the Highlanders and their partners Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch on the November 26, 2007 episode of Raw. However, the Highlanders struck back and picked up a win over Duggan & Crazy on the December 21, 2007 episode of Heat. Duggan & Crazy will be looking to even up the score with a win over the Highlanders in this match. And on a side note, where did my life go so horribly wrong that I can actually recount the entire history of the Duggan / Crazy / Highlanders feud?

Overview: It’s Crazy and Rory to start, but Rory takes control early, traps Crazy in the corner, and makes the tag to Robbie. Robbie whips Crazy to the ropes, but Crazy catches him with a crucifix pin for a one count. Crazy takes control with a hip toss and an arm drag into an arm bar followed by an arm wringer and a tag to Duggan. Duggan pounds away on Robbie’s shoulder and slams his shoulder into the top turnbuckle before making the tag to Crazy. Robbie eats a double back elbow shot which drops him for a two count before Crazy scores with a monkey flip. Crazy heads up to the second rope, but Rory distracts him long enough for Robbie to get back to his feet and yank Crazy down to the mat. Robbie makes the tag and Rory goes to work on Crazy’s shoulder before wrapping Crazy’s arm around the middle rope to further damage his shoulder. Rory distracts the referee as Robbie drops down from the ring apron and wrenches Crazy’s shoulder over the middle rope. That allows Rory to get a two count before making the tag to Robbie.

Crazy scurries across the ring and tries to tag Duggan, but Robbie catches him and hits a hammer lock scoop slam. Robbie connects with a double ax-handle shot to Crazy’s shoulder for a two count before going to work with a volley of mounted punches. Robbie makes the tag to Rory, and Rory punts Crazy’s shoulder into next week for another two count. Rory applies a modified arm bar and just manages to prevent Crazy from making the tag to Duggan after Crazy fights back. Crazy desperately kicks Rory away to create some distance, and Rory accidentally knocks Robbie off the ring apron as he falls backwards. That finally gives Crazy the time he needs to make the tag to Duggan, and Duggan rushes the ring with two running clotheslines and a scoop slam to Rory. Robbie begins to climb into the ring to aid his partner, but Duggan knocks him out of the ring and back down to the arena floor. Duggan connects with the Three Point Stance Clothesline but then tags Crazy instead of going for the pin, so Crazy hits a standing moonsault and gets the three count.

Analysis: The match was passable at best, but the finish was just plain bad. Duggan hit his trademark Three Point Stance Clothesline, and he should have gone for the cover. It made virtually no sense for him to make the tag to Crazy, especially given the fact that Crazy went on to get the three count mere seconds later. Despite the fact that Duggan & Crazy did win the match, that late tag really killed the momentum of Duggan’s comeback. The bottom line is that it’s almost always better to go for the cover after hitting a big finisher. There are some exceptions to that rule, such as when Matt Hardy tags in Jeff Hardy after hitting the Twist of Fate. But that only works because Jeff’s Swanton Bomb pops the crowd more than the Matt’s Twist of Fate. That trick just doesn’t work when the crowd doesn’t really care about either teammate’s finisher as is the case with Duggan’s Three Point Stance Clothesline and Crazy’s standing moonsault. Anyway, Duggan & Crazy now own two wins over the Highlanders, and the Highlanders now own two wins over Duggan & Crazy. And thus both teams can continue to go nowhere fast.

Result: Super Crazy defeats Rory McAllister with a standing moonsault.
Length: 5:50
Best Spot: Robbie’s hammer lock scoop slam
Rating: *¼

Match 3: Brian Kendrick vs. Charlie Haas

Background: Brian Kendrick and Charlie Haas are like two sides of the same coin. Both men are tag team specialists who have been trying their hand in singles matches as of late. Their methods, however, couldn’t be more different. Kendrick has continued to rely on the speed, agility, and high-flying offense that have defined him throughout his career. He seems confident that the skills he employed to find success in tag team matches will serve him equally well in singles matches. On the other hand, Charlie Haas has distanced himself from his technically sound background and, um, you know… lost his fucking mind. He’s developed the alarming habit of donning a lucha mask during the course of his matches and seems to adopt a new persona while wearing the mask. That boy is just one night with a sleazy paparazzo away from Britney-esque levels of insanity. There’s a good chance that, if Haas does not seek immediate psychiatric treatment, then within the next year the world will be subjected to Sean Waltman’s newest cinematic masterpiece, “Haas of Ill Repute.” And at that point Haas will just have to release a bad rap album and piss off a group of Young Republicans in order to become the craziest professional wrestler of all time. Except maybe for the Iron Sheik, who will forever be both totally insane AND totally awesome. HUMBLED!

Overview: Haas takes control early with a standing side head lock and a running shoulder block, but Kendrick fights back with a hip toss and an arm drag into an arm bar. Haas regains control and goes for a big back body drop, but Kendrick counters, sweeps the legs, and gets a one count. Kendrick connects with a swank head scissors takedown and Haas rolls out of the ring to catch a breather as we head to commercial. When we return from the break we find Haas emerging from under the ring wearing his Lucha Mask of Doom. Lucha Charlie makes me cry. So does the ending of Steel Magnolias, but I digress. Haas slides back into the ring, and Kendrick seems confused by the fact that he’s no longer the craziest guy in the ring. Kendrick goes for a roll-up off the ropes, but Haas rolls through into a roll-up of his own for a two count. Haas scores with a standing drop kick followed by a snap-mare takedown and a STIFF kick to the back for a two count. Haas locks in a bow-and-arrow submission, but Haas fights out of the hold and goes to work with a series of kicks to the back of Haas’ leg. Haas ducks an enzuigiri and hits a scoop slam followed by a rolling leg drop and a rolling senton for a two count. Haas goes for a powerbomb, but Kendrick strips off Haas’ mask and lands on his feet. Haas is visibly shaken by the unmasking, and Kendrick seizes the opportunity to hit Sliced Break #2 for the three count.

Analysis: Seven weeks ago, Paul London and Charlie Haas put on what I consider to be the best match in the history of online Heat. Brian Kendrick and Charlie Haas probably could have put on an equally entertaining match if they had been given the opportunity, but the deck was stacked against them in this case. They were given just over four minutes (including a commercial), and for the life of me I can’t figure out why the main even was given less time than either of the two preceding matches. Then, of course, there’s the fact that Haas is now saddled with a gimmick that makes the Eugene character look workable. Look, I understand the desire for Haas to develop some sort of personality. But having a guy who’s not all that naturally charismatic try to pull off a comedy-based character is just pointless. Haas was never going to be at the top of the promotion in his previous incarnation as a master ring technician, but at least he was able to put on entertaining matches and play to his strengths. Now he’s just stuck floundering around at the bottom of the card looking like a moron, and that’s a true waste of a man who could be playing a key role in either the Intercontinental or Tag Team divisions if given the chance.

Result: Brian Kendrick defeats Charlie Haas with Sliced Bread #2.
Length: 4:11 (including commercial)
Best Spot: Kendrick’s head scissors takedown
Rating: ¾*

Okay kids, that’s it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I’ll see you back here next weekend.