411’s WWE Smackdown Report 12.05.08

Welcome to 411’s Smackdown Report. It’s Steve Cook again, as apparently everybody else on the 411Wrestling staff has other things to do on a Friday night. Frankly, I call bullshit on that. Does anybody actually believe that somebody would agree to marry Stephen Randle? Well, I guess he wouldn’t be the first wrestling news writer to fake a marriage…but that’s another story for another time.

Some of you have expressed outrage over the fact that I don’t rate wrestling matches. I have a simple solution for you…send a sample Smackdown Report to Larry Csonka or Ashish, because we are still looking for a permanent writer to fill this slot. That will not be me. So send in your samples and maybe you can become an Internet superduperstar just like JD Dunn, AJ Grey & Nemesis.

Video recap of last week…I don’t recap recaps, especially of something I already recapped once. OK, there’s one new thing…Vickie Guerrero announces that the WWE title will be defended at Armageddon in a triple threat match between Triple H, Jeff Hardy & Edge. But we all saw that coming a mile away.

I’m still torn on whether I like the Smackdown theme or not. What do you guys think?

Match 1: Non-Title Match
WWE Champion Edge (w/Vickie Guerrero) vs. Kung Fu Naki

I am not torn on the issue of Kung Fu Naki’s music…it is TREMENDOUS~! Naki starts off with a series of kicks, whip in the corner reversed by Edge but Naki meets him with a boot, goes to the middle rope and hits the Tornado DDT! It may have finished his opponents in WWF No Mercy, but it only gets two here. Schoolboy gets two, as does an inside cradle, but Edge hits Naki with a knee to the gut, Naki slips out of a bodyslam attempt and hits a running bulldog! Naki with a Karate Kid kick! That only gets two. Well, there goes his whole moveset. And indeed, Naki runs right into a big boot from Edge. Spear finishes it.

Winner: WWE Champion Edge

Fun little match with lots of offense for Naki, and Edge’s beard still rules. Vickie looks pleased, and she has the mike! What a masterful performance, will everyone please join her in a round of applause for the WWE Champion? Apparently not. She’s proud of Edge, he looks so great, it’s good to have him back on Smackdown, but since he had to compete tonight, it’s only fair that his opponents at Armageddon compete too. So, H & Jeff will be tag team partners in a tag team gauntlet match. Excuse her! Excuse her! The rules are simple. They have to take on one tag team after another, and the only way the match ends is when they finally lose. That doesn’t sound very fair.

The cage hangs overhead!

The WWE Rewind shows us Diva unrest from last week.

Match 2: Non-Title Match
Divas Champion Michelle McCool vs. Maria

I’ve never liked Maria’s music, but her outfit this week (and most weeks to be honest) more than makes up for it. Tieup leads to a trip by McCool, she mounts Maria and punches away, Maria rolls and it’s a CAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT~! CAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT~! The referee breaks it up, damn him. Go-behind by Maria leads to a headlock by McCool, and a headlock takeover follows. Back to their feet, off the ropes, McCool with a shoulderblock, another one followed by a legdrop gets a one count. European uppercut and an American kick by McCool, Irish whip into the corner leads to a Canadian clothesline. Shoulderblocks in the corner, Maria gets a sunset flip for a one count. McCool quickly regains control, ramming Maria’s head into the turnbuckle. Kicks and elbows in the corner…did she just chase the referee out of the corner like Undertaker still does sometimes? Draw your own conclusions, folks…Maria fires back with punches & kicks in the corner and tries the old boot choke, but McCool forces her to do the splits! Maria gets an inside cradle for one. Dropkick by McCool gets one. Hair mare followed by a rear naked choke by McCool. *Fill in your own joke here* Maria gets out with a jawbreaker. Maria misses in the corner, but McCool runs into a Maria elbow, an assisted dropkick and a clothesline! Another clothesline leads to a series of reversals, McCool misses a kick and Maria rolls her up for the three count!

Winner: Maria

Manu Bumb might not like this one, but I thought it was good for what it was. It wasn’t Awesome Kong, but then again what is? Maria is happy and McCool is in shock.

Backstage, Maria accepts congratulations from the Bellas & Colons, but McCool kicks her in the gut! That’s not very nice.

Behind Enemy Lines trailer…yay?

Big Show introduces a video of him punching Undertaker a lot and promises more of the same later tonight.

We’re back and MVP is in the ring. Lately he’s been experiencing a bad run of luck. If it wasn’t for bad luck he’d have no luck at all. He lost his incentive clause! He was going to buy some nice gifts for his family but he can’t now. They took away his entrance tunnel and pyrotechnics away, but they can’t take away all the things that make him MVP. He’s going to pop somebody in the mouth that has made a habit of Hurripopping lately…

Match 3: Singles Match
MVP vs. Hurricane Helms

New music for Helms, new shorts, longer hair and a new tattoo as well. Go-behind by Helms, MVP fights out and bodyslams Helms. Headlock by MVP, off the ropes, shoulderblock by MVP. Of the ropes, Helms does the old Hurricane pose and arm drags MVP! Legdrops the arm, MVP fights back, off the ropes, forward roll and another arm drag by Helms leads to a cross-arm breaker. MVP gets to the ropes and stomps Helms. Into the corner, Helms vaults outside, but MVP boots him to the floor! Cover back in the ring gets two, MVP punches away on Helms and hits a submission hold I don’t know the name of, which is rare. Helms gets out, punches away on MVP, MVP fights back but gets clotheslined by Helms. Helms punches away, gets whipped into the turnbuckle but elbows MVP as he comes in. Helms up top, big cross-body splash! Helms seems to be setting up for the shining wizard, but meets an MVP clothesline instead. MVP goes for the Playmaker but it’s reversed into sort of a reverse Unprettier by Helms. Shining Wizard by Helms gets the victory!

Winner: Hurricane Helms

JR notes that Hurricane blew through MVP. Haw. MVP’s string of bad luck continues, and we go backstage where Jeff Hardy meets Triple H. If Hardy gets in his way, he won’t make it to Armageddon! Hardy’s sick of Triple H.

Your Smack of the Night was the finish to last week’s main event.

Match 4.1: Tag Team Gauntlet
Triple H & Jeff Hardy vs. Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder

Wow, they’re still around? Hardy & Hawkins start it, Hawkins attacks first but Hardy whips him into the corner and punches away. Whip reversed by Hawkins, Whisper in the Wind by Hardy. Hardy does not cover and opts to tag Triple H in. They have words and Ryder takes advantage by attacking Triple H. Spinebuster by H, he pauses to have words with Hardy and hits the Pedigree! H goes for the cover, but Hardy makes him get out of the way with a Swanton on Ryder! They have more words, Hawkins gets knocked out of the ring and Ryder gets pinned. A shoving match by H & Hardy gets broken up by a commercial…

Match 4.2: Tag Team Gauntlet
Triple H & Jeff Hardy vs. John Morrison & The Miz

What the hell, we don’t get to see the Mizorrison entrance? LAME. NOT COOL. TOTALLY LAME. We join the match in progress, with H working over Miz with punches and elbowblocks. Vertical suplex followed by a kneedrop gets two. H tags Hardy in, Hardy keeps the control on Miz, splashing him in the corner and it gets two. Miz punches Hardy and tags in Morrison. Kick by Morrison, he goes for a neckbreaker but Hardy reverses into a backslide for one. Arm wringer and Hardy tags H, who also works over the arm of Morrison. Armbar! Tag to Hardy, kicks to Morrison, slam by Hardy, legdrop gets 1. The legdrop’s getting no love tonight, brother. Hardy chops H into the match, whip, Miz knees H from behind, Morrison whips H but H chin crushes Morrison, knocks Miz off the apron and gets met with a twisting side kick from Morrison! Tag to Miz, he works H over with punches and Morrison does the same when the ref’s back is turned. Clothesline in the corner by Miz gets two. Tag to Morrison, double gutbuster on H. That gets 2. Resthold time! H eventually fights out, but Morrison clubs him down and tags Miz. Miz works H over with clubbing forearms and another resthold, er I mean rear chinlock. Hardy with the thumbs down…does he think he’s Batista or something? A back suplex by Triple H breaks the hold. Miz briefly regains the advantage but misses his clothesline in the corner and Hardy tags himself in! Flying clothesline to Miz, kick, facebuster suplexes for both Miz & Morrison. Clothesline to Miz followed by a basement dropkick in the corner! Cover is broken up at two by Morrison. H punches Morrison out of the ring and follows him out…Hardy reverse enziguris Miz and Miz flies into H & Morrison on the outside. Hardy takes all of them out with a dive! H takes exception to this and they start punching each other on the floor! H throws Hardy into the steps and then into the railing! Hardy throws H into the steps and they get counted out.

Winners: John Morrison & The Miz

A cadre of referees try to break the fight up, but it doesn’t go well as H clotheslines Hardy over the railing and into the crowd!

Moments ago that stuff happened. Backstage, Edge & Vickie express their joy. Vickie books a Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy match for next week. A kiss gets broken up by an enraged Jeff Hardy. Edge claims he wasn’t responsible for Hardy being taken out before Survivor Series, and points an accusing finger in Triple H’s direction. Hardy seems to buy it, because when H walks in, Hardy attacks him! Referees & security break them up and take them out of the room so Vickie & Edge can make out. Huzzah.

Match 5: Non-Title Match
ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. Chavo Guerrero

Some nifty chain wrestling to start things, Hardy gains the advantage with a clothesline and then an elbowdrop. Cover gets two, clothesline in the corner and a bulldog by Hardy gets one. Chavo fights back with a back suplex and stomps away on Hardy, punches in the corner by Chavo, Hardy fights back and rams Chavo’s head into the turnbuckle. Bodyslam, and “Now we go there!” leads to the yodeling elbow to the back of the head for two. Nice dropkick by Chavo gets two. They exchange punches, Hardy baaaaaaaaack body drops Chavo, but here comes Vladimir Kozlov with a big boot! Ring the bell!

Winner: Matt Hardy (DQ)

Kozlov tosses Chavo out of the ring and turns his attention to Hardy. Battering ram headbutt, Kozlov ties Hardy up in the ropes and begins to punch & kick away! Big headbutt and Hardy’s out. Here come the referees! Hardy needs some medical attention, but on a lighter note, the Khali Kiss Cam is next! Khali drinks some mouthwash and says it doesn’t taste bad.

DX pimps the Elimination Chamber playset. Shawn Michaels complaining about putting it together is pretty funny.

Khali Kiss Cam!

The Great Khali sports the world’s largest Santa hat as he walks out with Ranjin Singh, who is wearing an elf hat and carrying some mistletoe. Singh notes we are right in the heart of the holiday season, and it’s an American tradition to kiss under the mistletoe. So it’s time for a special holiday edition of the Kiss Cam! Various couples kiss each other as I contemplate chugging the rest of my bourbon. I settle for a beer instead. Khali enjoys all the kissing, but there’s still more to come. WHO WANTS TO KISS THE PUNJABI PLAYBOY? We see some possible candidates, but Singh cuts the music and tells Khali that it’s the season of giving. He wants to give Khali a very special present…Santa’s Little Helper! No, not the Simpsons’ dog, its Eve (w/boobs)! Tazz’s statement that this wouldn’t be good has been refuted. Khali is down with it. Singh leads JR, Tazz & the crowd in a “Khali” chant as Khali kisses Christmas Eve! Singh wishes us a Happy Holidays and reminds us that the Great Khali says “Make love, not war”. Let’s hope his fellow Indians feel the same way…

Lower the cage!

Match 6: Steel Cage Match
The Big Show vs. The Undertaker

Slobberknocker potential? You betcha! Tieup, Show pushes Taker into the corner and punches away, whip and a side slam by Show. Headbutt, kicks, punches in the corner as the fans chant “Undertaker”. A big vertical suplex quiets them down. Show goes to the middle rope…misses a Vader Bomb! Well, he might have got some of it, but not quite all of it. Undertaker fights back now, Big Show caught between the ropes and the cage and taking a beating with clotheslines and punches. Taker runs into a Show elbow and Show rams him into the cage. As we come back from commercial, Show is punching Taker in the corner…he rams Taker into the cage again and clotheslines him down to the mat. Cover gets two. Taker gets rammed into the cage again and clotheslined again. Finally, Taker ducks a clothesline and punches away on Big Show. It’s a slugfest as they punch back and forth. Taker in the corner boots an oncoming Show, and a flying clothesline by Undertaker! Legdrop gets two! Two big clotheslines in the corner by Taker, and it’s the Old School ropewalk, or not, as Taker gets crotched up top. Superplex by Big Show! Cover gets a close two count. Undertaker sits up, but Show kicks him back down. Show teases a top rope move, but Undertaker sits up! Show tries to get out, Taker follows him up, they fight on the top rope while I think about how just about any other wrestling ring in the world probably couldn’t handle that much weight on the top rope. Show gets knocked off! Taker goes to the top of the cage, but then has a change of heart…he does the throat slash and heads back down to the ring…with an elbowdrop that misses! Show covers for a two count. Both men go for the chokeslam, Show gets it momentarily but Taker reverses it into a DDT! Cover gets two! Undertaker tries a chokeslam, but Show breaks out and hits one of his own! Two count! Taker punches Show off of him. Show goes for his big right hand, but Taker hits a couple of his own instead. Off the ropes, Taker runs right into a big punch! Taker sits up as Show takes too long to take advantage. Show puts Taker in the choke again, but Taker turns it into the Death Valley Vice Hell’s Gate! Big Show taps!

Winner: The Undertaker

I thought the match ended really well, but started out really slow. Luckily people only remember the finish, so you’ll probably see a bunch of people talking about how awesome it was. I’d put it in the high three star range if I was into that kind of thing, but some people might go up to four. I dunno.

Taker strikes his pose as Smackdown goes off the air!

Next Week: Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy and a bunch of other stuff. Join us then, won’t you?