411’s WWE Velocity Report 04.26.03

VELOCITY #49
Backstage, Matt Hardy preaches the merits of Mattitude to MFer Shannon Moore and Moore-on Crash Holly. Crash seems to be reading the Book of Mattitude, “Exist 2 Inspire,” but is in actuality just looking at the pictures. Matt says it’s easy to learn; it’s just simple Mattmatics. Thus a new catch phrase is born. Or, catchword, anyway. Take it away Josh and Ernest!

MATCH #1: BRIAN KENDRICK v. SHANNON MOORE (w/ CRASH)
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris

Crash holds onto the Book of Mattitude as the Bible that it is. Brian and Shannon face off. Headlock by Shannon. Kendrick tries to send him off the ropes but Shannon keeps the headlock on tight. Nice job with the opening move rest hold, fellas. Kendrick shoots Shannon to the ropes successfully this time. Moore comes back with a shoulder block. Moore goes back to the ropes and rolls over Kendrick’s back. Arm drag by Moore. Moore tries for it again, but Kendrick spins out of the way. Deep arm drag by Kendrick. And another, into an armbar. Shannon works to his feet but Brian has the arm bar locked in tight. Shannon tries to spin away and makes it to the ropes to break the hold. Collar and elbow tie up. Knee to the gut by Moore followed by pounding on the back. Face to the turnbuckle by Moore and stomping in the corner. Reversed whip to the opposite corner by Kendrick. Moore flips over the turnbuckle, out of the way of a charging Kendrick. Kendrick elbows Moore off the apron. Kendrick dives off the apron but Moore lands a drop kick to the gut. Back in the ring Moore gets a 2-count. Back suplex by Moore followed by head punches. Moore repeatedly rams Kendrick into the corner. Rear chin lock by Moore. Kendrick elbows out but Moore throws him down by his hair. They trade forearms to the head in the corner. Irish whip by Moore. Kendrick ducks a clothesline and comes back with a flying elbow. Whip by Kendrick into a drop kick. Back body drop by Kendrick. Sidekick by Kendrick. Next Kendrick does A) a jump, spin-around kick, B) a climb-up enziguri or C) a shining wizard? Who knows? We each called it one of those. I’d go with shining wizard, but one of you intelligent readers wrote in to tell me the difference between a shining wizard and an enziguri and I never got it, so I’m probably wrong. Something to do with where the kick makes contact in relation to the head, I think. 2-count on Moore. Kendrick runs Moore to the corner and charges. Moore gets an elbow up. Dr. Teeth by Kendrick. For the record that’s an under hook reverse neck-breaker that rams the opponent’s face into his knee. Cover by Kendrick but Crash puts Shannon’s foot on the ropes. Crash argues with Jimmy K. Kendrick ducks a clothesline and hits Sliced Bread #2 by running up Crash for the flip-over.

WINNER: Brian Kendrick (4:52)

RECAP: Sable Invitational Bikini Contest from SmackDown! Says Tazz, “That lollipop’s getting a lot of action tonight.”

MATCH #2: MATT HARDY, VERSION 1.0 (w/ SHANNON & CRASH) v. FUNAKI
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Referee: Mike Sparks
Matt is dominant at putt-putt golf. Matt has over 46 million Mattitude followers.

Collar and elbow. Arm drag by Matt. Matt hangs the “V1” to the crowd. Schoolboy by Funaki for a quick 2-count. Drop kick by Funaki. Crash and Shannon both yell, in unison, that Funaki’s cheating. Matt backs up to the corner. Funaki catches a Matt kick, spins him around and delivers a chop. Irish whip by Funaki but he telegraphs his move and Matt hits a boot to the gut. Drop toe by Funaki into the sit out drop kick to the face. 2-count on Matt. Funaki goes to the ropes but Shannon grabs his leg allowing Matt to attack from behind. Reality Check by Matt for a 2-count. Top rope choke by Matt. Sparks pulls Matt off allowing both Crash and Shannon to attack Funaki from the apron. Leg slide across the back from Matt. Crash and Shannon argue on the outside about who did more damage to Funaki. That distracts Matt allowing a roll-up by Funaki for a 2-count. Whip to the ropes by Funaki into a sleeper. Matt Ricochets out and into a cover for a 2-count. Whip to the ropes by Matt followed by a back elbow and a leg drop. 2-count on Funaki. Full nelson by Matt. Funaki elbows out. Reversed whip to the corner by Matt. Funaki climbs to the second rope. Matt goes for a splash mountain sit out power bomb but Funaki reverses it into a DDT for a 2-count. Matt charges at Funaki but hits an empty corner. Bulldog by Funaki. Crash distracts Funaki allowing Matt to hit the Side Effect for a 2-count. Matt calls for a Twist of Fate but Funaki sends him to the ropes and hits an enziguri. Not a shining wizard. 2-count on Matt. Matt lands a back body drop on Funaki but that sends Funaki over the top rope onto Crash and Shannon. Top rope guillotine by Funaki and he climbs to the top rope. Funaki goes for a double axe handle but Matt counters with the Twist of Fate.

WINNER and STILL CHAMPION: Matt Hardy, V1 (4:37)

Shannon and Crash lift Matt onto their shoulders but put him down complaining that he’s too heavy and their backs hurt.

Slam of the Week: Rikishi’s Stink Face attempt on Roddy Piper from SmackDown!

MATCH #3: JAMIE NOBLE (w/ NIDIA) v. SEAN EVANS
Referee: Brian Hebner
Sean Evans is the guy who lost to Rodney Mack on RAW.

They circle. Single leg takedown by Noble but Evans kicks him off. Lock up. Head lock by Evans. Hip toss by Evans, still with the headlock. Arm bar escape by Noble but Evans counters with a hammerlock. Noble elbows out, hits the ropes and comes back with a shoulder block. Back and forth across the ropes. Evans catches Noble in what looks to be a spine buster but he turns it into a slingshot. Roll up by Evans for a 2-count. Back slide by Evans for a 2-count. High knee by Noble and he rams Evans into the corner. Evans gets a foot up and reverses it. Reversed Irish whip by Noble and he charges, right into an Evans back elbow. Nidia grabs Evans’s foot allowing Noble to knee him in the back. Back suplex by Noble for a 2-count. Looked like Evans landed on his head. Noble pounds on Evans. Short arm clothesline by Noble followed by a leg drop. 2-count on Evans. Snap mare by Noble into a rear chin lock. Eventually Sean Evans spins out of it and hits a neck breaker on Noble. Punches by Evans. Chop by Noble. Pancake by Evans. Clothesline by Evans. Punches in the corner by Evans. Chop by Evans. Duck under whip by Moore into an enziguri by Evans. 2-count on Noble. Evans sets up a power bomb but Noble lands on his feet and hits a DDT. Noble doesn’t release his grip, rather he wraps his legs around Evans and squeezes, still holding the head and neck. Josh calls it a jujitsu-like hold. Whatever it is, Evans taps out.

WINNER: Jamie Noble (4:02)

RECAP: Sable, Rey, Rhyno and Dawn Marie support our troops.

RECAP: A-Train v. Brock from SmackDown! With John Cena on commentary, “What’s up with Chioda, dawg? Way outta position!”

WWE Rewind: Shelton Benjamin using the tights to pin Chavo on SmackDown!

MATCH #4: CHARLIE HAAS v. EDDIE GUERRERO
Referee: Mike Chioda

They circle. Eddie offers to shake hands. Instead he pokes Charlie’s eye and kicks him into the corner. Eddie is a flurry of blurred fists. Seriously, really fast punches. European uppercut by Eddie. Snap mare into a headlock by Eddie. Charlie reverses and gets a standing headlock. Eddie sends him to the ropes. Charlie comes back with a shoulder block. Charlie goes back to the ropes. Leap frog by Eddie followed by a drop kick. Another European uppercut and chops in the corner by Eddie. Reversed whip by Charlie into a back body drop. Charlie sends Eddie into the corner and hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Eddie rolls out of the ring. Charlie follows to the outside and pounds on Eddie. Charlie rams Eddie’s back into the ring post. Charlie rolls Eddie back into the ring and stomps on him. Josh really sells how Charlie is trying to hurt Eddie for tomorrow’s match, as if this were really happening live on Saturday night, rather than being taped on Tuesday. Whip to the corner by Charlie followed by a belly-to-belly release suplex. 2-count on Eddie. Bow and arrow by Charlie. More stomps by Charlie. Second rope choke by Charlie. In the corner they trade punches and kicks. Snap suplex by Charlie for a 2-count. Camel clutch by Charlie. Eddie works up to his feet and hits a back suplex. Charlie ducks a clothesline and hit a release German suplex. And now the straps come down! Charlie locks in the Haas of Pain. Eddie works over to the ropes to break the hold. Stomps by Haas. Charlie pulls Eddie to the center of the ring. Eddie hits a drop toe hold and locks in the El Paso Lasso, but the Haas of Pain has done it’s damage to his lower back and he can’t keep the Lasso on. Suplex by Haas. 2-count on Eddie. Back breaker by Haas. Haas stretches the back. Eddie head scissors out and sends Haas out of the ring. A group of young kids start a “You suck!” chant at Haas. Eddie takes this time to recover as Charlie makes his way back into the ring. Charlie charges but Eddie moves out of the corner. Punches by Eddie. Irish whip by Eddie into a back body drop and then a clothesline. Another clothesline by Eddie. Trio of vertical suplexes by Eddie. 2-count on Haas. Reversed whip to the corner by Charlie. Back elbow by Eddie. Power slam by Charlie for a 2-count. Reversed whip to the corner by Eddie and he charges. Back body by Charlie but Eddie lands on the apron. Hangman’s neck breaker on the top rope by Eddie and he climbs up. Frog splash by Eddie.

WINNER: Eddie Guerrero (7:32)

-360 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Jazz beat Ivory to retain the Women’s Championship
2. Faarooq & Big Valbowski beat Godfather and Test
3. Chavo Guerrero beat the Hurricane
4. Lance Storm and Hugh Morrus went to a double count out

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
There was plenty more to mention last week but I didn’t want to take the emphasis off my parents. So, Happy Birthday, belated and otherwise, to Michael Lee, Christopher Mitten, Danielle Schmidt, Tracy Kelly and Lora Bruggeman. And Happy Anniversary to Michael and Carolina Wall. Whew!

OUT
Next week: the Backlash backlash!