411’s WWE Velocity Report 06.21.03

SMACK DOWN AND OUT
I’ve been quite remiss in my SmackDown watching the past few weeks. The plus side of that, however, is that all tonight’s recaps are brand new to me! And it’s my first time seeing the Bashem Brothers, but that may not be a good thing…

VELOCITY #57
Josh and The Cat. Funaki and John Cena. Shannon and Crash. Me and You. All matches made in heaven. Or on TV…

MATCH #1: FUNAKI v. JOHN CENA
Referee: Mike Sparks
I guess this is in response to Funaki making fun of Cena by rapping a few weeks ago on SmackDown. So businesslike is Cena that he doesn’t even rap for us tonight. Oh, I take that back.

“Yo. I dominate Saturday nights. From the second I hit the green screen. So wearing thongs and phony Afros on Confidential with Mean Gene. Hospitals are packed with wrestling fans. They getting’ Saturday night fever. I’m scared of getting’ mad cow. That’s why all I eat is beaver. And yo, I’m the best thing you can see on weekends. Josh, you was scarin’ me backstage, doin’ them naked deep knee bends. (to Funaki) Yo, yo, yo. You stole my style last week. That’s the reason I got hot, bro. I’m the best poetic genius since Leapin’ Lanny Poffo. I’m so over the top I’m giving censors fits. So forget the match; lets go to Hooters so I can see some ____.”

Cena offers Funaki his hand to shake. Funaki takes it. Cena tries a short arm clothesline but Funaki ducks. Quick rights to the face from Funaki. Reversed Irish whip by Cena. Mexican head scissors by Funaki. What makes them Mexican, Josh? Irish whip by Funaki and he tries a drop kick but Cena holds on to the ropes. Cena misses and elbow drop. Kick to the gut by Funaki. Reversed whip to the corner by Cena. Funaki hops up and out but Cena catches him over his shoulders. Funaki slides down his back. Back elbow from Cena. Lariat from Cena. Cena means business—his shirt came off! Stomps by Cena. Cena starts yelling to Funaki, “You can’t see me!” What? Funaki pulls himself up. Punches by Funaki. Reversed whip by Cena. Cena ducks a flying cross body. Delayed vertical suplex by Cena into a cover. 2-count on Funaki. Sleeper by Cena. Funaki slowly works up to his feet and into a jaw breaker. Bulldog by Funaki. Punches by Funaki. Reversed whip to the corner by Cena and he charges. Funaki gets his feet up. Jumping, swinging DDT from the second rope by Funaki. 2-count on Cena. Punches by Funaki. Funaki tries for a crucifix. Cena powers Funaki up into a fireman’s carry position and hits the FU for the pin.

WINNER: John Cena (3:32)

In the back, Orlando Jordan is seen shadow boxing. He’s next.

Extreme Blast Of The Night: Rhyno faces off against and loses to Benoit again, for yet another SmackDown belt tournament.

Velocity is brought to us by The Hulk’s Truth about Nike Basketball.

MATCH #2: A-TRAIN v. ORLANDO JORDAN
Referee: Brian Hebner
A-Train starts off by throwing chairs into the ring before Jordan is even introduced. Maybe he’s jealous of Jordan’s haircut?

Jordan ducks a clothesline. They lock up. Armbar by Jordan. Are those three posts under Albert’s bottom lip new? A-Train forces Jordan back into the corner. He rears back for a punch but Hebner grabs his closed fist. Two forearms to the face by Jordan and he rams A-Train’s head into the turnbuckle. Headbutt by A-Train. Whip by A-Train. Back body drop by A-Train but Jordan lands on his feet. Two clothesline by Jordan but A-Train stays on his feet. A-Train misses a bicycle kick. Shoulder block by A-Train. A-Train throws Jordan into the corner and unloads on him. Clubbing blows to the back by A-Train. Running splash by A-Train. 2-count on Jordan. Knee to the gut from A-Train. Jordan comes back with punches until A-Train hits another high knee. Bear hug by A-Train. Man, it looks like Albert is just standing there, hugging him. Creepy! Jordan finds his inner strength and claps A-Train’s ears to break the hold. Jordan kisses A-Train’s head. Sorry, bites his head, not kisses. Drop kick by Jordan. Jordan backs up to the corner. A-Train charges. Jordan gets his feet up. A-Train charges again. Drop toe by Jordan. Forearms to the back by Jordan. Enziguri by Jordan. Reversed whip to the ropes by A-Train. Jordan ducks a clothesline and hits a flurry of body blows. A-Train swings wildly and misses each time. More punches by Jordan. A-Train sets up the Derailer but Jordan hits a drop kick in the middle of the move. Jordan goes to the top rope for a flying cross body. 2-count on A-Train. Jordan hits a series of more punches to the face. A-Train simply grabs a fist, kicks Jordan in the gut and hits the Train Wreck for the pin.

WINNER: A-Train (4:47)

A kick ass Ultimo Dragon promo airs!

RECAP of Zach Gowan with Sable. Suddenly I’m glad I missed this on Thursday. And SHE’S Vince & Steph’s favorite character?!?

Backstage, Matt Hardy V1 asks the Basham Brothers to teach Shannon and Crash a lesson tonight. Shaniqua steps in and says she wants to take Matt to the next level. He says no thanks because he’s got Mattitude.

Burn Of The Night: Last Ride on Nunzio by The Undertaker and the return of the APA. Jeez, Bradshaw, what happened to your face?? Oh, just a haircut.

MATCH #3: MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0 v. PAUL LONDON
Referee: Mike Chioda
Matt digs tortilla soup. Matt has wrestled on 4 continents. London is the 2003 Super Eight Champion.

They circle. Logan goes to sweep a leg but Matt dodges. Lock up. Matt forces London to the corner. They break. Arm drag by Matt and celebrates to the crowd. They circle again. Lock up again. Armbar by London. Reversal by Matt. Head scissors by London to escape, and he gets a 1-count as well. Matt tries a clothesline but London counters with a schoolboy roll-up for a quick 2-count. They face off. Matt distracts London and hits a cheap punch to the face. Elbows in the corner by Matt. Forearms to the head by London. Matt catches a kick and flips the leg up. London flips and lands on his feet. Side Effect by Matt. Top rope choke by Matt. Second rope leg across the back by Matt and a cover. 2-count on London. Whip to the ropes and back elbow by Matt. Leg drop by Matt and his jimmy-legs. Neat-o airplane spin neck breaker by Matt for a 2-count. Standing surfboard with a leg to the head by Matt. London powers to his feet and escapes with a jumping back kick to the gut. Spinning heel kick by London. Second rope springboard forearm by London for a 2-count. German suplex by Matt but London lands on his feet and comes back with a drop kick. Matt staggers to the corner. London chargers. Back body drop by Matt but London lands on his feet on the apron. Springboard second rope moonsault by London for another 2-count. Reversed whip by Matt and he throws London over the top rope. London holds onto the rope and gets up on the apron. Guillotine by London and he goes to the top rope. Shooting star press by London but Matt moves. Twist of Fate by Matt. Rather than go for the pin, Matt hits a second Twist of Fate for the pin.

WINNER: V1 (5:21)

I’ve seen London wrestle before and he’s damn impressive. Sign this boy!

MATCH #4: BASHAM BROTHERS (w/ SHANIQUA) v. SHANNON MOORE & CRASH
Referee: Mike Chioda pulling double duty here tonight.

Crash tells Doug that if he reads the Hardyz book, he can become a winner like Crash and Shannon. Doug takes the book and gives it to Danny. Danny gives it to Shaniqua. Shaniqua rips it up. Doug attacks Crash from behind. Forearm to the head from Doug. Duck under whip into a back elbow by Crash. Irish whip by Crash into a clothesline. Shannon tags in. Double team whip. Drop toe by Crash and a leg drop by Shannon. 2-count on Doug. Armbar by Shannon. High knee by Doug and he tags in Danny. Armdrag by Shannon into an armbar. Crash tags in. Top rope punch to the head by Crash. Armbar by Crash and he jerks the shoulder. Double team by the Bashams as Shannon tries to run in but is stopped by Chioda. Double back suplex and a double kip up by the Bashams. Doug is back in. Stomps and a cover by Doug for a 2-count. Danny tags in and they double team whip Crash across the ring to the corner. Huge “go, Crash, go.” Chant for some reason. Snap mare by Danny into a rear chin lock. Crash powers up and elbows out. Danny clubs him back down. Quick roll-up by Crash but Shaniqua gets on the apron, distracting Chioda. Doug comes in and reverses the roll-up. Shannon runs in and re-reverses it. Chioda sees Shannon and that lets Doug come in to stomp on Crash. Doug stays in. Scoop slam by Doug. Second rope elbow drop by Doug for a 2-count. Danny tags back in. Kicks by Danny. Forearm by Danny. Scoop slam by Danny and he tags Doug in. Doug tries a second rope splash but Crash gets his foot up. Danny and Shannon each get the tag. Shannon ducks a Danny clothesline and clotheslines Doug. Shannon drop kicks Danny. Spinning heel kick on Doug. Reversed Irish whip by Danny and he charges. Shannon gets both feet up. Halo by Shannon and he covers but Doug makes the save. Double team back suplex by the Bashams but Shannon lands on his feet and hits a double drop kick. Shannon throws Doug out of the ring. Crash baseball slides out after him but Shaniqua pulls Doug away. Crash hits the barrier hard. Danny sets Shannon up in a side Russian leg sweep. Doug hits a running clothesline to finish it. Chioda is out of position but he finally makes the count.

WINNERS: The Basham Bros. (4:27)

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week on Velocity #5, Michael Cole and Al Snow hosted…
1. Randy Orton beating OVW wrestler Rob Conway
2. Chavo Guerrero beating Albert with a roll-up
3. Tajiri beating Hugh Morrus with the Buzzsaw kick
4. Reverend D-Von (w/ Deacon Batista) beating Faarooq

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
W. DAL BUSH is back on Confidential this week. Find out why so many WWE Superstars put monosodium glutamate in their food. Or which ones love the Michael Shenker Group.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Jack Randich and Earl Geier both have Birthdays this week. One of them turns 50.

OUT
Be seeing you.