wrestling / Video Reviews
Memphis Wrestling (5.7.1983) Review
Image Credit: Memphis Wrestling
Loading...-Originally aired May 7, 1983.
-Your hosts are Lance Russell and Dave Brown.
-Jimmy Hart comes out and gives Lance a set of headphones and a stack of records, declaring Lance Russell to be “the Casey Kasem of professional wrestling.” Oh my god, if this leads to Jimmy Hart bringing a dead dog out here and asking Lance for a dedication, I’ll shit a rainbow.
-So it turns out that Jimmy is actually saying that to complain about all the music videos that Lance keeps playing for other wrestling stars. In fact, Jimmy conveniently complains that the music videos he hates are, like, THIS one for the Rock & Roll Express (music video plays in its entirety) and this other music video for the Fabulous Ones that he just completely hates (music video plays in its entirety). And again, it highlights the difference in how the teams are presented, as the Rock & Roll Express looks like two cool guys who like to play rock music on the jukebox, while the Fabulous Ones music video has “the part of the show where your mom walks into the room and asks what the hell you’re watching” energy all through it.
-And with that, Jimmy insists that going forward, the show make more of an effort to air music videos like THIS one for the Bruise Brothers and we play another music video for them. God, how much of the Memphis roster got stuck in traffic today?
-So with all that out of the way, Jimmy insists that Lance play HIS new music video, and we get a hilarious music video from Jimmy called “Lance Russell’s Nose,” lamenting the incredibly sexy woman with Dolly Parton’s hair and Lance Russell’s nose and how it ruined the blind date. There’s one incredibly funny bridge here that’s just Jimmy making guitar sounds with his mouth while mimicking the Fabulous Ones’ strut, and it just goes on way too long, like a Family Guy gag, before finally going back to the rest of the song.
BOBBY EATON & THE LONE RANGER (with Jimmy Hart) vs. ROBERT REED & ROOSTER COGBURN
-Eaton pops Reed in the nose and whips him into position for a corner splash from Ranger. Reed just keeps taking a beating and looks like he has no idea what to do, like the time he found out that Greg was hiding a goat in the attic. Ranger finally puts him out of his misery with a legdrop.
-Off to Mid-South Coliseum for some highlights of an eight-man tag: Ranger, Eaton, Bruise Brothers going against Rock & Roll Express, Mad Dog Boyd, and Stagger Lee. All eight men end up in there for a brawl, and eventually, we have guys in the ring and guys on the floor, and finally the referee has had enough and calls for the bell, and it’s a surprise DQ win for the faces. Jimmy Hart threw a weapon into the ring, and in the middle of all the chaos, the referee actually spotted that. But he doesn’t stop the weapon from being used, and Mad Dog is bloodied.
-Mad Dog comes out, promising to bust up Jimmy Hart wherever they go, whether it’s Evansville are Louisville.
-Monday night in Mid-South Coliseum, the Grapplers are making their debut in the area. Ricky Morton comes out and explains that he wrestled them in Texas, and they were actually the reason that he needed crutches for five weeks. He and Robert are looking forward to getting revenge.
-Also on Monday night, Bill Dundee faces Dutch Mantell, Dundee’s belt vs. Dutch’s hair. Which hair? He has so much to choose from.
-Also, Andy Kaufman has put up a bounty for Jerry Lawler’s match against Colossus of Death, holy hell what a name.
-Stretcher match! Fabulous Ones vs. The Moondogs…
-And that takes us to more Mid-South footage explaining why the stipulation is necessary. Here are the Fabulous Ones against the Moondogs last week, and everybody is a bloody disgusting mess, so much so that Jerry Jarrett may be forced to replace the canvas in the next 18 years or so. Steve Keirn gets his head tangled in the ropes, and the Moondogs just choke him in that position until he passes out, so Stan Lane fights off both dogs with a chair and hurries to rescue his partner.
-We get rare words from Jackie Fargo, on tape with a very forelorn Stan Lane. Steve Keirn is in no condition to come to the Mid-South Coliseum for this match, so Jackie is coming out of retirement for one night only, and somebody is gonna get damn hurt! You can tell Jackie’s mad because he didn’t say “Pally” even once.
-Jimmy Hart and the Moondogs are here to remind Jackie that the last time he left the Mid-South Coliseum, it was draped across the back of a golf cart, and this Monday night will be no different!
MOONDOGS (with Jimmy Hart) vs. CRAIG CARSON & JIM JAMESON
-Rex slams Jameson, Spot adds a backbreaker. Carson tags in and takes his beating, and the decapitator ends it.
-Back to Mid-South Coliseum, with Jerry Lawler in a handicap match against Andy Kaufman and Colossus of Death (Duke Myers wearing a really creepy rubber mask). Andy is naturally content to just stay on the apron and let Duke do all the work. Colossus no-sells everything Lawler tries and then just heaves the King across the ring.
-Andy Kaufman adds some shots while Lawler is defenseless, but suddenly LAWLER GETS MAD. It’s a flurry of right hands by the King, and Andy actually starts to run away and has to be talked into staying by Jimmy Hart. Lawler tries to finish with a fist drop but misses. You knew it wasn’t serious yet because the strap was still up.
-Suplex by Colossus, but Andy Kaufman bungles an attempted double-team and gets Colossus tangled in the ropes Andre-style. And with Colossus helpless and Jimmy Hart focused on untangling him, Lawler just freely kicks the shit out of Andy Kaufman and it looks like he’s going for another piledriver, but Colossus gets free just in time to stop Lawler from doing that. Andy Kaufman escapes from harm, but Lawler says says the hell with it and piledrives Colossus instead, costing himself the match by DQ. Colossus is actually fairly unscathed by that, though, walking away under his own power almost immediately.
-Lance Russell talks to Andy in the locker room afterward, and Andy cuts a promo with a wad of tissue in his mouth and his teeth clenched to simulate a swollen jaw. He wants Lawler to kiss his feet after the next time they meet in the ring.
-Live in the studio, Lance tries to call Andy Kaufman on the phone for further comments but keeps getting a busy signal. That was a weird waste of two minutes.
-Jerry Lawler is in the studio, offering a rebuttal to, I guess, the promo that Andy was GOING to cut. Andy is putting up $5,000 if Colossus can injure him in a singles match on Monday night.
-Lance Russell finally gets Andy Kaufman on the phone and Andy says x-rays confirmed his jaw isn’t broken, so Lawler isn’t even tough enough to break a TV star’s jaw. Lawler comes back out and grabs the phone to threaten Kaufman, but Kaufman has a pretty sound retort: Lawler just plain gave up! The match ended with Lawler doing an explicitly illegal move, so he didn’t even try to win, AND Colossus got up and walked away immediately. Can’t really argue with that.
-We go to the Whip-on-a-Pole match in the Mid-South Coliseum. Dundee actually gets the whip first, but Dutch blinds him with powder, steals the whip, and whips the shit out of Dundee. Actually whipping him, not the weird handle-first shots that they kept doing on TV.
-Dueling promos; Dutch promises that he has more tricks up his sleeve, while Dundee recounts his own experience losing his hair in a match and tells Dutch how embarrassing it is to have it mentioned by every fan you meet for months afterward.
-Jim Cornette is here with the Galaxians. Jim is upset that Steve O isn’t here because he had a gift to give Steve-O as a piece offering: a 38-foot yacht! And it’s a little toy boat with 38 doll feet glued to it. Also, Cornette went to the electronics store in Warsaw, Poland and bought an electronic calculator, which is a simple Bic pen with an extension cord coming out of it. Can’t wait to see Wayne Brady giving these to losers in the coming year.
-Cornette is very surprised to learn that Steve O is actually in the building this week, and Steve O approaches one of the jobbers in the Expiration of Time match and asks if he wants to sit this one out…which means…
EXPIRATION OF TIME: THE GALAXIANS (with Jim Cornette) vs. KING COBRA & STEVE O
-Fall 1: Steve O tries to start but the Galaxians basically hide from him. Galaxians work over Cobra. Cobra bodypresses a Galaxian for two. Double-teaming by the Galaxians until Steve O fights off the ne’er-do-wells. Galaxians have cut the ring in half, though, so the Galaxians keep beating on him until he finally escapes for the hot tag, but the hot tag to Steve O pretty well coincides with TV time running out, so we don’t get a finish. Cornette takes a bump off the apron to give the fans something, though. Good for him.
