The Contentious Ten 11.23.09: The Top Ten Fictional Wrestlers

Just as a side note, I had a pretty cool thing happen to me last week. I was contacted by Sirius Satellite Radio’s “The Fight Show” on Channel 98, and was asked to offer my opinion on what would happen at the Survivor Series. Since I finished this prior to Survivor Series I can’t tell you if I predicted anything correctly or not (by the way I tried to get in my Round Table predictions, but I missed the deadline). Maybe if my predictions were any good they’ll have me back.

Anyway, I decided to do something quite a bit different this week and decided to make a list of the best fictional wrestlers ever to step between the ropes of film and video game rings. Please keep in mind these are fictional characters, so I took some significant liberties with some of their histories, and wrote about them like they were real wrestlers. I felt like having some fun this week, so a lot of what I’ve written here is total bullshit, so please don’t get bent out of shape if I got some “facts” wrong, because it’s all in good fun.

The Top Ten Fictional Wrestlers

X

King
The Tekken Series

King’s story is surprisingly similar to another entry’s story on this list, except King’s is a bit darker, and there are actually two wrestlers known as King who have an intertwined history. The original King was an orphan and a drunk who engaged in street fighting for money. One night he almost died in front of a Mexican monastery, but the monks saved him. He then renounced his old ways and became a priest and set out on a mission of building his own orphanage. In order to earn the money to fund his dream he donned a jaguar mask and moonlighted as a professional wrestler. He was making some headway toward his dream, but seized an opportunity to enter the Iron Fist, or “Tekken,” Tournament. He placed third in the tournament, met his rival “Armor King” and earned enough to open his orphanage. Sadly one of the orphaned children died in his care and King fell off the wagon. He was consoled by Armor King, who convinced him to take part in the second Tekken Tournament. King didn’t fair any better the second go round and had an uneventful return to the wrestling ring to raise money for his orphanage. During this time King took to mentoring a boy that reminded him of himself and trained him in wrestling. After King’s untimely death at the hands of a great opponent named Ogre, his foster son completed his training and donned the jaguar mask and fought under the name King the Second. King ranks low on this list, not because he wasn’t a formidable wrestler, but because his history as an actual wrestler in the ring is quite limited.

IX

El Tres Mascaritas: Rikochet, The Flea, and Buena Girl
Mucha Lucha

Growing up as a part of a family of Mexican Luchadores must be hard, but imagine growing up in a whole town of Mexican Luchadores! Well that’s exactly what the three wrestlers I ranked at number nine are doing. All three hail from Luchaville, Mexico, where they attend the “Foremost World-Renowned International School of Lucha.” Although all three are still currently training together they have already made a major impact on the world of wrestling. The unofficial leader of the trio is Rikochet, who is one of the most traditional luchadores in the town. He sports a red and blue mask with a white star on his forehead, and a red singlet adorned with sequins. Rikochet’s hero El Rey heavily inspires his traditional look, and he can always be found carrying his El Rey action figure with him for extra motivation. Rikochet is heavily determined to make his mark on Lucha Libre. His closest cohort and best friend is The Flea. Outside of his costume (which looks more like a bunny rabbit than a flea), The Flea’s most distinguishing characteristic is the thin layer of dirt that covers his entire body. The Flea is the team’s master of psychological manipulation, as he constantly refers to himself in the third person (emulating The Rock, no doubt), and his grimy appearance, and lackadaisical attitude disguise how skilled he actually is. Of the three he is the one most willing to break the rules to attain victory in the ring. The final member of the team and the only female to make this week’s list is Buena Girl. She functions as the moral compass of the team and often balances out the less than moral behavior of The Flea. She is an expert on “The Code of Masked Wrestling” of “Honor, Family, Tradition, and Donuts.” Being such a goody two-shoes has its disadvantages though, and Buena Girl often rubs people the wrong way. Also, some have seen her compulsive need to be “buena” as a sign of obsessive compulsion. She also has a degree of self-doubt despite being a descendant of the Slamazons (no relation to the Glamazons). Collectively El Tres Mascaritas are an incredible team and have come up victorious in nearly all of their matches (individually and as a team), and it’s only a matter of time until they graduate and enter the AAA.

VIII

Bonesaw McGraw
Spider-Man

At one time Bonesaw McGraw (reportedly no relation to Dr. Phil McGraw despite the similar beards and receding hairlines) was one of the fiercest wrestlers pro wrestling has ever known. He was beyond ripped, had a beard like Grizzly Adams, and went through opponents like a …well, a hot bone-saw through butter. His offensive arsenal consisted of him simply pulverizing opponents with devastating slams, clotheslines, and simply tossing them out of the ring. His favorite move to put the finishing touches on his victims was a Randy Savage style Flying Elbow Drop. He was so powerful and successful that he willingly and frequently participated in gauntlet match type exhibitions, where a number of lower ranked wrestlers would each take their turn trying to, not necessarily win, but simply survive three minutes in the ring with him. Needless to say Bonesaw, wiped the floor with most of them, and his in ring dominance resulted in a huge, almost cult like fan following. His fans would constantly chant his name and things like “Kill Him.” The fans seemed unfazed at McGraw’s willingness to frequently break the rules and use a vast array of weapons, most of which were handed to him by one of his several valets who taunted wrestlers as they came to the ring. Bonesaw, himself was not above taunting, frequently telling the crowd that “Bonesaw is ready [for his next victim, no doubt].” Things were going really well for Bonesaw until one day during one of his gauntlet matches he was pitted against a newcomer known only as Spider-Man. Bonesaw thought he’d have an easy time against the puny twirp, especially when the cage was lowered, but the Spider-Man proved to be surprisingly fast and deceptively strong. Bonesaw underestimated him and was devastatingly monkey-flipped into the side of the cage and knocked unconscious. After his defeat to Spider-Man, Bonesaw was never the same, his fan following diminished, he lost his confidence, and decided to try other ventures, including a brief foray into hip-hop music and voice work for animation.

VII

Kin Corn Karn
NES Pro Wrestling

One of Korea’s greatest contributions to the world of wrestling is Kin Corn Karn. Supposedly descended from Korean and Mongolian royalty Karn was a Taekwondo and Karate expert and an incredibly tactical competitor in the Video Wrestling Association in the mid 1980s. Karn was fairly well built, standing 6′ 1″ and weighing 280 pounds, and sported a Fu Manchu style moustache and goatee, and could most frequently be seen wearing purple tights. He’s also know for shouting his name in time with the referee’s three count. Two of Karn’s specialties were his lightning fast jumping “Karate” Kick, and his even more impressive Mongolian Chop, where he would leap into the air and unleash a downward chop onto the heads of his opponents, frequently rendering them unconscious. His other trademark moves were his high knee (which was an obvious inspiration to Triple H) and his piledriver. During his tenure in the VWA, Kin Corn Karn feuded extensively with Mexico’s Starman, and the USA’s own King Slender, but had his most brutal and personal feud with Japan’s Fighter Hayabusa. Apparently Hayabusa was under the impression that Karn killed his cousin Ryu’s father in a ninja duel to the death, but Karn maintained his innocence. After a brutal yearlong feud where Karn was vilified his innocence was verified when Ken Hayabusa revealed himself to actually be alive, he then subsequently died. The feud left an impression on Karn who went a little crazy after taking countless of Fighter Hayabusa’s Back Brain Kicks. This craziness actually benefited Karn who enjoyed a brief reign as the VWA World Champion. While champion he became the only man to defeat the Video Wrestling Federation World Champion The Great Puma to unify the Titles. However his victory was later overturned when it was exposed that Kin Corn Karn had illegally had a handful of Puma’s tights. Shortly after being disgracefully stripped of his title he lost the VWA Title to his former tag team partner the Amazon. He resumed his feud with Hayabusa, but had his career cut short when Hayabusa Back Brain Kicked him twelve times in one match.

VI

Nacho
Nacho Libre

Another luchador makes this weeks list. Nacho is unusual amongst the usually secretive luchadores because his personal history is as well documented as his in ring history. Ignacio (Nacho for short), an orphan was taken in by the monastery (boy, this sounds familiar), and at a very early age was attracted to the world of lucha libre, and often got in trouble for his obsession, because wrestling was forbidden at the monastery. As an adult, Nacho (a monk and a cook for the monastery/orphanage) was mugged one day after purchasing a large bag of tortilla chips for the kids. Fed up at the lack of money, respect, and because he wanted to impress a nun Nacho decided to follow his dream and become a luchador. To this end Nacho hunted down the thief who stole the chips and guilted him into becoming his tag team partner. Nacho simply kept the short version of his name, but the thief, Steven, chose the name Esqueleto. Nacho then created a mask to conceal his new profession from the monastic order. Needless to say, with out any formal training Nacho and Esqueleto were pretty awful in the ring and lost almost every match they had. After losing match after match the duo decided to try and speak with Ramses, the then reigning Lucha Champion, and Nacho’s idol. However, Ramses was very rude to the duo and had them thrown out. This prompted Nacho and Esqueleto to enter a battle royal where the winner would receive a title shot against Ramses. Like all of their previous matches the duo lost, but Nacho at least came in second place. This turned out to be just as good as a victory because the man who won the battle royal suffered a foot injury a few days later, making Nacho the number one contender. In his match with Ramses, the champion humiliated Nacho by removing his mask, but Nacho kept wrestling (as his identity was revealed a few days earlier) and was inspired by the appearance of the orphans and the nun he loved, and went on to win the match and the title after he leaped from the top rope and hit a cross-body block, pinning him outside of the ring in a falls count anywhere match. Nacho continued to wrestle for several years, and even inked a brief deal with World Wrestling Entertainment, and was a member of the SmackDown brand for about a month during the summer of 2006. Unfortunately an injury and a contract dispute prevented Nacho from making any appearances. However, a Nacho look-a-like named Macho (who sounded very similar to previous entry Bonesaw McGraw) appeared on ECW during that time period. Currently Nacho is retired and is still working at the monastery, it’s rumored that he is pursuing his other dream of starting the greatest band in the world.

V

Jimmy King
Ready to Rumble

Another King makes it on the list, and unlike the list’s previous King, Jimmy has a well-documented wrestling career. Jimmy King (who played up the royalty gimmick) was a beloved WCW World Heavyweight Champion who fell victim to one of the biggest screwjobs in wrestling history. While he was wrestling Diamond Dallas Page for the WCW Title on Nitro, Page, as instructed by WCW Promoter Titus Sinclair, stopped pulling his punches and viciously attacked the champion, letting him know that he was being screwed. Even though King amounted a bit of a comeback DDP’s goons ran out and attacked the champion, ultimately defeating him. After being screwed over and humiliated King left wrestling and wallowed in his own self-pity until two doofuses, Gordie Boggs, and Sean Dawkins tracked him down and convinced him to return to the ring. Eventually the trio made it to an arena where WCW was performing, and King attacked DDP in the ring, prompting Sinclair to book a match between the two he thought King had no chance of winning, a Triple Steel Cage Match. Instead of participating in the usual match build up, King, who knew he was in for the, very real, fight of his life decided to find a trainer. However, no sooner did he get underway with his training two WCW goons: Sid and Perry Saturn, attacked his trainer and put him in the hospital. By the time the big match rolled around King was ready to rumble with DDP, but was at a distinct disadvantage because DDP had a number of other wrestlers come to the ring to help him, including King’s son. A number of Kings allies came to help, but couldn’t get inside the cage until King’s new buddy Gordie crashed through it with a motorcycle. Eventually King and Page made it to the top of the third cage, but King was thrown off by Page, who was in turn knocked back down by Sting. The two once again made it to the very top of the structure and King retrieved the belt after slamming DDP through the other lower cage tiers. After his victory King announced that he would be tag teaming with his new friend Gordie Boggs who would go on to win the WCW Title himself while wrestling under a different name.

Oh Yeah! This is almost exactly like a real WCW match from 2000

IV

Mike Haggar
The Final Fight and Saturday Night Slam Masters Series

Long before Jesse “The Body” Ventura was elected Mayor of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, former pro-wrestler Mike “The Uncivil Servant” Haggar, was the mayor of the much larger Metro City. Haggar made a name for himself while wrestling in the CWA (Capcom Wrestling Association), a federation of several regional promotions that banded together to declare one Undisputed World Champion, not unlike the NWA. While in the CWA Haggar had some major feuds most notably against his former pupil Gunloc, who had made several advances toward his daughter Jessica. Haggar also helped train the Soviet wrestler Biff Slamkovich, who in turn introduced Haggar to The Glorious Soviet People’s Wrestling Union Champion Zangief. While the two initially seemed to hit it off, both Haggar and Zangief’s fierce nationalism kept the two from becoming close friends, and in a match in Leningrad Zangief defeated Haggar with Haggar’s own spinning lariat. Later the two would have a rematch in Metro City, and Haggar defeated Zangief with Zangief’s own Spinning Piledriver. While this rivalry was going on the CWA Champion Victor Ortega suddenly disappeared. In the confusion a rival promotion, the BWA started to move in, so a round-robin tournament was held to determine the new champion. Haggar came in third in the tournament. When Ortega returned there was another tournament held, but Haggar didn’t fair any better, and shortly thereafter retired from the ring, and entered politics. Once elected mayor of Metro City, Haggar’s tough stance on crime resulted in the kidnapping of his daughter by the Mad Gear Gang. However, he and two of his buddies took on the gang by themselves and rescued her. He has since spent his time trying to personally clean the streets of Metro City using his wrestling skills.

III

Thunderlips
Rocky III

In the early 1980s few professional wrestlers were bigger or more powerful than “The Mountain of Molten Lust” Thunderlips. However, unfortunately for Thunderlips he would be overshadowed by other even more popular wrestlers just years after reaching his zenith. Like most wrestlers Thunderlips wasn’t successful right off the bat and wrestled several years as Theodore “Lucky” Lipschitz. It wasn’t until a promoter realized what a stupid name that was for a 300 pound muscle bound freak and changed his name to Thunderlips and played up his real-life luck with the ladies and was given a fairly controversial pimp gimmick. He wore a big white fedora trimmed in red with big feathers sticking out of it, and a shiny red cape with a giant puffy set of silver lips on the back. Additionally several women accompanied him every time he made his way to the ring (a gimmick copied by other wrestlers like Bonesaw). Almost overnight Thunderlips went from a jobber to a main event player, and in early 1981 Thunderlips captured the World Championship. Thunderlips went on a reign of terror, pulverizing his opponents. His biggest claim to fame, however, was not a match with another wrestler, but a match with then World Boxing Champion Rocky Balboa. Like Antonio Inoki before him, Thunderlips sought to bring mainstream respect to the often-derided sport of pro-wrestling, and knew if he went toe to toe with a boxing legend (like Inoki did with Muhammad Ali) it would help to re-legitimize the sport. The match itself was a classic as Thunderlips dominated the first half, tossing the much smaller Rocky all over the ring, and at one point, literally threw him into the crowd. It was at that point that Rocky managed to get his boxing gloves off and unleashed a flurry of bare-knuckle blows, but Thunderlips wouldn’t go down. One of Balboa’s corner-men even got involved and smashed a chair over the back of Thunderlips, but the match ended in a double disqualification as Thunderlips was choking out Balboa at the time. Thunderlips enjoyed further mainstream success after the match, but his national exposure inspired many imitators including one Terry Bollea, who would go on to become Hulk Hogan. Thunderlips, would eventually lose the title to the Iranian National the Ayatollah, who would then lose the belt to another man inspired by the Thunderlips character: Randy “The Ram” Robinson.

Sorry, I couldn’t find a clip of this with out music.

II

Zangief
The Street Fighter Series

Due to the fact that several of the Soviet files on “The Red Cyclone” Zangief are still classified much of his history is still a mystery. What we do know is that in the early 1980s Zangief rose to fame by literally wrestling bears, by obliterating every wrestler in his path, and by innovating the Spinning Piledriver. Zangief was a Soviet patriot, and soon became a flag bearer for the Soviet values of industriousness, iron strength, and Soviet pride. After rapidly rising through the ranks Zangief earned a title shot at a transitional “foreign menace” champion known as “Cowboy” Yankee Washington Hippie, a fat, lazy, and morally corrupt “American.” Needless to say Zangief destroyed him in a matter of minutes and captured The Glorious Soviet People’s Wrestling Union World Championship. Shortly after his title victory he had a well-documented feud with Mike Haggar (as discussed earlier). Zangief remained virtually undefeated for many years and became a national hero, so much so that he was tapped by the Soviet government to enter into a number of underground street fighting tournaments aimed at uncovering the threat of a radical terrorist organization known as Shadowloo. In order to keep his cover Zangief began cheating and had himself kicked out of wrestling in disgrace. He faired well in the tournaments and gathered the necessary information needed. This brought him in tight with then Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev. After the fall of the Soviet Union Zangief found himself unable to part with his love for Communism and the Soviet values that were drilled into his head as a child, and he still claims to represent the hammer and sickle, even now, twenty years after the regime’s collapse.

It’s so nice of Zangief to mentor the Mucha Lucha Kids. Wait a minute, that bulge in Zangief’s tights is totally inappropriate!

I

Randy “The Ram” Robinson
The Wrestler

Number one on my list this week is none other than the former World Champion Randy “The Ram” Robinson. Robinson’s is a sad story that is all too familiar when it comes to wrestlers from the 1970s and 80s. He was a huge star in the 80s and reached the pinnacle of his career when he defeated the Ayatollah for the World Championship in Madison Square Garden. After several successful years Robinson’s body started to breakdown, and he retired from full time competition. Having partied too hard during his prime, Robinson saved no money and was forced to return to the ring to compete in several small independent promotions, and to take a job at a grocery store. His humiliation was furthered by the fact that despite having been famous he pushed away all of his loved ones, and his closest friend was a middle-aged stripper named Pam/Cassidy. As the twentieth anniversary of his match with the Ayatollah drew near a Ring of Honor promoter who wanted to stage a rematch between the two approached Robinson who agreed to the deal. Robinson continued to moonlight as a wrestler and battled in a brutal hardcore match with Necro Butcher. After the match Robinson suffered a heart attack and underwent heart surgery. After his brush with death Robinson called off his big rematch with the Ayatollah. Robinson tried to make several meaningful personal connections, first with Pam and then with his daughter, but after failing with both of them he decided the only thing left in his life that gave him any purpose were his fans. As a result he rescheduled his big match. He met up with the Ayatollah and the two had a surprisingly good match. As the match reached it’s climax Randy climbed the turnbuckle to deliver his patented double-elbow, known as the Ram Jam, leaped off, and