The Name on the Marquee: Smoky Mountain Wrestling (1.8.1994)

-Skipping January 1, which was a year-in-review special.

-Originally aired January 8, 1994.

-Your hosts are Bob Caudle & Dutch Mantell. SMW General Manager Sandy Scott comes out to officially rule that the finish to the last Beat the Champ TV Title match was stupid, so he orders a new one.

ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS vs MASKY & MULLET
-Ring announcer’s intros are removed and I don’t recognize either jobber, so we’re calling them Masky and Mullet, because those nicknames account for about 90% of the Jobber section on the SMW payroll.

-Ricky locks up with Masky and shoulderblocks him down. Hiptoss follows, and in comes Robert for a double elbow. Mullet tags in while Dutch busts on WVU fans for being crybabies, which is fine. Clothesline by Ricky gets two. Robert puts the boots to Mullet, and he’s had enough. Masky runs right into a gutshot and a kneelift, and double dropkicks finish.

-Rock & Roll Express has officially been granted a rematch from the Survivor Series. They promise that they’re about to become six-time SMW Tag Team Champions. You know, if you boys aren’t going to hang onto those belts and taking care of them, I don’t see why you should keep getting them back.

MASK vs HAIR: THE BULLET vs DICK MURDOCH (with Jim Cornette)
-Joined in progress from Christmas Chaos, and it’s Corny’s hair on the line. Cornette breaks a sleeper attempt and tosses his racquet in the ring behind the referee’s back. Bullet no-sells the racquet from Murdoch and goes nuts on him with headbutts and chops. Cornette tries interfering again, which gives Murdoch a choice opening to pull out some brass knuckles. That’s enough to knock out The Bullet, and Cornette keeps his hair.

-Bullet somberly takes a knee and unmasks while Jim Cornette and Dick Murdoch bring chairs into the ring to sit back and enjoy the show. Bullet removes the mask…but he’s wearing a second mask. He gives Cornette and Murdoch right hands, and then takes off.

MASK vs HAIR REMATCH: THE BULLET vs DICK MURDOCH (with Jim Cornette)
-Joined in progress from the following night, and I’m kinda shocked that someone with Jim Cornette’s mentality is showing this because they do almost note-for-note the same finish; sleeper, no-sold tennis shot, brass knuckles…but this time Bullet kicks out at two. Cornette heads to the top rope, but Bullet grabs him before he comes off and rocket-launches him onto Murdoch, who gets pinned easily after the impact.

-We get words from The Bullet, wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt. Bullet talks about how SMW has been dragged down the sewer ever since Cornette took over even though he got impeached immediately.

-The Barbourville Rumble is coming later this month! Good to have friends in high places, eh?

HEAVENLY BODIES (SMW Tag Team Champions, with Jim Cornette) vs CHRIS KANYON & ROCK REGAL
-Cornette sits in on commentary to explain that the big excuse for the Rock & Roll Express is that they didn’t know that the WWF doesn’t have a top rope DQ rule and there was a point in their Survivor Series match where they thought the math was over.

-Regal takes a hard slam and tags out quickly. Pritchard connects with a high kick on Kanyon, and the moonsault finishes.

-We go to Christmas Chaos, the Homecoming match between the Bodies and the Furnas Brothers. Illegal football helmet shot knocks all of the charisma out of Doug’s brother and leaves him lying for the three count.

-Cornette says the Bodies’ motto is “Have talent, will travel” because they’ve traveled to every promotion and taken on every team in the past two years. He spins the Survivor Series nicely, calling the Boston Garden crowd the largest crowd ever in history to watch an SMW match. It was also the largest crowd ever to witness four Doinks in a single match, so congratulations on getting to share that trophy, Jim.

DOWN AND DIRTY WITH DUTCH
-Dutch introduces himself as Conan O’Brien and dates this episode precisely by saying “I don’t know how I got the job.” That first year of Conan is really fascinating stuff if you have a chance to watch it on YouTube or anywhere else. Conan, with material written with what was, in hindsight, one of the strongest writing staffs ever assembled for a comedy show (Robert Smigel, Bob Odenkirk, and Louie C.K.) and the “We don’t know what we’re doing” vibes are palpable.

-We go back to Christmas Chaos one more time for highlights of the SMW Title triple threat match. It’s elimination rules, and Chris Candido sneaks out to give Tracy Smothers a brainbuster on the floor, which gives Lee the chance to pin him and get him out of there. Superman comeback from a battered and bloody Dirty White Boy follows, but Tammy Fytch blinds him with hairspray, and Lee rolls him up and pins him. Post-match, Tammy Fytch attacks Dirty White Girl with her loaded purse, but Tracy Smothers does the gentlemanly thing and comes to the rescue with a chivalrous ass-kicking.

-Tracy applies a figure four at one point, but Tammy and her purse put a stop to that. Smothers is left lying, but DWB makes it back to his feet and clears Lee out of the ring with a chairshot. He checks on White Girl without acknowledging Smothers, though, so his loyalties are the same.

-Brian Lee is here to brag about how great he is, but Dirty White Boy comes to the ring with a referee following close behind and points out that both of them are in the building at the same time and hey, there’s a ring here, so let’s have a match, why not?

“Prime Time” BRIAN LEE (Champion, with Tammy Fytch) vs DIRTY WHITE BOY (with Dirty White Girl)
-DWB goes to town on him with a hundred punches while I wait for the commentators to make it clear whether or not this is a title match. Dutch finally rescues me by explicitly saying this is non-title.

-DWB falls victim to a neckbreaker and Lee goes to work with chokes and turnbuckle shots. Talks about how Dirty White Girl is embarrassed by how much prettier she got after Tammy finally put some make up on her, while Lee stays on DWB with more and more right hands. Corner charge misses but Lee blocks the big comeback with a thumb to the eye, and he accidentally clotheslines the referee. DWB bounces right up and chokeslams Lee, and Dirty White Girl crawls in to count the three herself so her man can at least get the moral victory.

-Tammy runs in and KOs the Dirtywhites with her purse. Brian Lee holds up DWB so Tammy can take more free shots, but DWB snatches the purse right out of her hand in mid-swing and clears the ring with it.

-We go to Christmas Chaos, where the Moondogs get a victory over the Bruise Brothers in a street fight, and the post-match brawl goes all the way back to the locker room. Nice touch, as the guy at the hard camera is so committed to capturing the action that he uproots it and hauls it backstage to follow the brawl. The backstage brawl actually looks ridiculous, with Rubbermaid trash cans being the only weapons that actually make contact, and any weapon more extreme than that misses by a mile every time.

-Jim Cornette reads a ruling from the SMW board of directors. He says that one member of the board, who by the way is currently enjoying a cruise in the Bahamas, ruled that the Bruise Brothers instigated the brawl and are now suspended for six weeks.

-A Dirty White Boy music video.

-Weirdly prescient house show from Tracy Smothers, who’s hyping a match against Chris Candido. He says Candido is spreading a bunch of false rumors about Tracy Smothers being an alias, and that he’s actually an Italian guy from Pennsylvania; Smothers promises that he’s not Italian, and he’ll never set foot in Pennsylvania.

BEAT THE CHAMP TV TITLE: “Wild Eyed Southern Boy” TRACY SMOTHERS (Champion) vs “Suicide Blonde” CHRIS CANDIDO (WWA Champion)
-Candido gets shoved out to the floor and stalls for a bit. Back in, they slug it out and Smothers slams Candido for two. Dutch is trying to articulate a point about why Candido has an advantage in this match, and he trips over his words so badly that the post-production crew puts a chyron on screen busting on him for being so incoherent.

-Candido misses a butt splash from the top and both men are left lying. Smothers makes it to his feet first and goes to work with fists. Backdrop and an elbow by Smothers. Smothers looks to finish, but Candido looks his wristbands with something and they do the Macho Man finish, with Candido connecting in mid-suplex to land on top for the three-count to take the TV Title.

6.2

The final score: review Average

The 411

All the Christmas Chaos stuff was fun, and it all made sense. Brian Lee and Dirty White Boy is starting to show signs of wear. It's kind of the same thing as when Tim Horner was chasing DWB the previous year. Once DWB gets enough chances at the title, it's like "Well, if you deserved it, you would have won it by now." So I'm hoping we're getting close to the end of this thing.