wrestling / Columns

The One-Liner Review: WWE Elimination Chamber 2017

February 13, 2017 | Posted by Mike Hammerlock

The IWC is filled with snowflake ratings and recaps for big WWE events … but that’s a lot of work. This isn’t one of those columns. What follows is one line (or so) about every wrestler or team who worked WWE’s Elimination Chamber event. These are the stray thoughts and pointless musings that filled one lazy man’s mind while watching the event.

Carmella – Worst kickoff show panel member ever. Nothing but shrill and annoying. Didn’t say one useful thing. James Ellsworth became my personal hero when he whisked her off to the sky box.

Curt Hawkins – Started a feud with a tweet, which is an increasingly legitimate way to amp up tension. We may yet see a tweet start an actual war.

Mojo Rawley – Mojo hulked up! He also got a pop from a pre-show match. I am hype. You are hype. We are all hype. HYPE!

David Otunga – Apparently did not get the memo that Mickie James has been wrestling for the past seven years.

Mickie James – Whatever happened to the guy in the gimp mask she used to hang out with? I mean, I’ve seen pictures …

Becky Lynch – Second straight WWE pay-per-view where a women’s match kicks off the show and a female gets the job of popping the crowd. You can’t give that job to Apollo Crews. Everyone would go home.

Kalisto and Apollo Crews – Ladies and gentleman, I believe we have a tag team, but the “Thank you, Ziggler” chant from the arena indicates they may not be a face team.

Dolph Ziggler – In danger of breaking Wade Barrett’s record for storylines that never go anywhere.

Rhyno – Looks more like Ram Man every day.

Heath Slater – Deserves a singles run in 2017. He can call himself the One-Man Nexus.

Breezango – I feel like their gimmick would go over big in Chikara. In fact, somebody book these guys vs. Los Ice Creams.

The Vaudevillains – What they need is better access to tanning beds. I feel lack of pigment is holding them back.

The Usos – What they should be angry about is their heel turn has gone nowhere.

Jason Jordan – Suddenly developed t-rex arms when Chad Gable tried to escape his heat segment.

Chad Gable – He’s so Karate Kid. They need to hire Ralph Macchio to play his mentor at some point in the future.

The Ascension – Come on, you didn’t think they’d win, did you? Charlie Brown wouldn’t even kick that football.

David Otunga 2.0 – Declares that Nikki is going to attempt to out-wrestle Natalya just as Nikki unleashes the dreaded face slap.

Natalya – Gets stuck with all these dumpy girl storylines – jealous of everyone’s looks, farting, Khali romance angle – even though she’s objectively hot. I mean, I suspect Tyson Kidd is a happy man.

Nikki Bella – Is dressed like an ABA cheerleader. Go San Diego Conquistadors.

Carmella 2.0 – Stop asking her questions when she has nothing to say.

Luke Harper – Needs to cut promos like he’s doing the old Onion bit Ask a Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child. “Laws no, can’t trust no one if they ain’t got no beard. That’s what the old man with the candy would tell me whens he asked me to carry his bodies down to the swamp. Them boys never had no beards. Maybe if’n I beat Randy Orton I get me some o’ them licorice whips.”

Randy Orton – Damned if that match didn’t build into something. It’s like after three years of crummy booking they’ve got to remind people he’s really good.

Alexa Bliss – Is working over Naomi’s hair. I suppose that’s mean girl ring psychology. Missed an opportunity during her in-match tantrum to declare, “But I pulled her hair!”

Naomi – If she learned Asuka’s ass-based offense, she’d be unstoppable. Can’t wait for her WrestleMania entrance. I reiterate my call the WWE to recruit Major Lazer for that gig.

Baron Corbin – He’s the Lone Wolf, just like Lenny from Laverne & Shirley.

Dean Ambrose – I love the way the refs rolled Ambrose out of the chamber like dung beetles moving a turd.

The Miz – The heat between Miz and Daniel Bryan has gotten so hot (Miz trolled Bryan with YES! kicks) that it’s half-convinced me AmDrag is coming back. I mean, that’s got to pay off at some point.

John Cena – The quest for #17 starts now. It should happen, but it should only happen at a WrestleMania, and it probably won’t be this one.

AJ Styles – He did about a dozen outrageous things in that match. A pox upon the family McMahon if they don’t give him a real showcase match at WrestleMania. Shane McMahon doesn’t count.

Bray Wyatt – I hope they realize Bray Wyatt is the face in the WrestleMania match against Randy Orton. He’ll be fueled by 70,000 fireflies.