The Top Ten 10.02.07: Commentators

Good day fine people and welcome back to another groundbreaking edition of The Top Ten. Sorry about being MIA last week, but between pulling double shifts at work and actively searching for a new apartment with the girlfriend, my life has been pretty hectic the last few weeks. Anyhows, enough about my crappy life, you guys came here for some list goodness. I apologize in advance for the lack of Reader Feedback, but my Yahoo Mail keeps freezing whenever I try to open it on my PC & only works on my PDA and as much as I love you guys, I’m not going to type out each of your emails word for word. Copy & Paste is the only way to go. I changed my email contact to my Hotmail account so hopefully that’s the link at the bottom of the page, but if it’s not, you can email me at [email protected]. This week, we’re going to look at The Top Ten Commentators this week since the word “Announcer” can be confused with a ring announcer & I know that there would be someone out there waiting to bite into my ass about that one. Although I probably wouldn’t mind. I’m into that kinky shit. LIST TIME!

The Top Ten Announcers

10) Tony Schiavone
I know what you’re probably thinking. Tony Schiavone?!? Really??? What are you smoking Jules?! And if you’re thinking of the Tony Schivione from the dying days of WCW, you’d definitely be right. But in the late 80’s and most of the 90’s, Schivione was a very capable announcer and was able to convey the story going on in the ring very well with his announcing. Schiavone was the voice that called many great WCW moments including various WarGames matches, the nWo’s Invasion, Hulk Hogan’s heel turn, and Goldberg’s title victory over Hogan. His voice was synonymous with WCW and during the high period of WCW, he was definitely a presence on the mic and was a familiar voice that helped catch all the viewers up on the shenanigans of the nWo. I know I’m going to catch flak for this one, but the man is very underrated whether you want to admit it or not.

9) JBL
The Wrestling…..GOD has only been an announcer for a little over a year, but he’s already placed himself in the upper echelon of commentators. JBL is everything that a color commentator should be. He gives praise to everybody, whether they’re a heel or a face, and even finds a way to give props to the wrestlers who he can’t personally stand. He’s humorous (especially when ragging on Cole), but also knows when to get serious and is able to bring across the intensity happening in the ring on the mic. JBL made a flawless transition from the ring to the booth and I for one hope that we continue to hear JBL on Friday Nights for many years to come.

8) Lance Russell
Lance Russell was definitely a commentator before his time as during his era, commentators tended to be very unattached to what was going on in the ring and instead just provided straight forward play-by-play as if it were a boxing match. Russell showcased emotion whenever a face was being pummeled by a hated heel and talked with the wrestlers like he was their friend rather than some anonymous commentating slug. Whenever a heel did something particularly dastardly, he would damn them and wouldn’t show any objectivity when telling the audience how despicable the act was. His easygoing demeanor and smooth deliver made him an instant favorite with fans and he was often the highlight of Memphis Championship Wrestling.

7) Gorilla Monsoon
Many people tend to crap on Gorilla Monsoon’s commentating skills, but I think that he is a vastly underrated commentator that was a perfect fit during the Hogan-era of the WWE. His constant verbal sparing with Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan made even the most horrendous match watchable just because what they were saying was so entertaining. Everytime I watch a match Monsoon was commentating on and he tells Heenan or Ventura “Will you stop!” after they say something completely ludicrous, it always makes me smile. Monsoon was synonymous with the Rock ‘N Wrestling era and I don’t think that there could have been a better commentator to illustrate the larger than life and grandiose show that wrestling had become.

6) Jerry Lawler
Lawler’s commentating nowadays leaves a lot to be desired, but there was a time when The King was heralded as the best color commentator ever and it was for good reason. He was consistently funny with witty one-liners and jokes that would make you laugh out loud. He always supported the heel, no matter how wrong they were, and would constantly threaten whoever he was broadcasting with, just to make them know he was still The King. I remember during the late 90’s, there would actually be columns online that were fully dedicated to funny quotes said by The King because he had that much material. When they turned Lawler into JR’s pal and started having him feud with some of the heel wrestlers like Muhammad Hussan and Tazz, he lost a lot of what made him so special which was that he was a full blown heel announcer. Once in a while, King will throw out a funny line that reminds me of the good ‘ol days, but it’s nothing compared to how Lawler dominated the announce booth in the 90’s.

5) Joey Styles
Many commentators have tried, and miserably failed, to call a match by themselves. Even some of the most legendary commentators in the game have stumbled when placed on the mic by themselves. Not Joey Styles. Styles was so fluent, verbose and funny on the mic when calling a match, that he didn’t need a partner. In fact, when he did have an announce partner in the latter days of the original ECW, it just felt weird and you knew that Styles didn’t need some chump trying to announce with him, he was fine all by himself. Styles was like a play-by-play man and a color commentator all rolled into one as he would call all the action in the ring, no matter how fast paced it was, and still find time to provide some side commentary about different wrestlers. Styles’ voice has been pretty much neutered in the WWE which is a shame because if Vince just gave Styles the ball and let him fly with the way he’s comfortable with commentating, I think it would add immensely to the current ECW product.

4) Jesse Ventura
When The Body made the transition from the ring to the booth, he did it so effortlessly and perfectly that many wondered why he didn’t do it even sooner. Ventura was one of the first truly heel announcers as he would get into loud disputes with whoever he was commentating with while defending whatever heinous act the heel in the match was doing. He would often berate his commentating partners and threaten them, but it was all done in good fun as everybody knew The Body would never actually touch Monsoon or Lord Alfred Hayes. The way he would try to justify a heel’s actions were often hilarious as it seemed that no matter what they did, he would find some find of loophole to defend them. For my money, the announce team of Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon are the most entertaining duo of all-time. And if you didn’t mark out whenever Jesse posed for the crowd during the early days of Wrestlemania, you have no soul.

3) Bobby Heenan
Come on. It’s Bobby Heenan, you know he would be high on this list. The man was comic gold and provided some of the greatest lines ever heard on any wrestling broadcast.
“A friend in need is a pest.”
“You don’t have to yell at me! I’m not blind!”
“If you’re poor and you do something stupid, you’re nuts. If you’re rich and do something stupid, you’re eccentric.”
“That shirt he’s wearing looks like sinus infection green.”
“Stu Hart trained all his kids; only three of them use the litter box”
“I finally know what RIP stands for. Ross Is a Pickpocket. Gimme back my wallet!”
“The Guerrero family is at home watching this wondering if the wheels are going to be stolen off their house”
And that’s just a minor portion of all the unforgettable quotes that Heenan gave us.

2) Gordon Solie
Gordon Solie has been referred to as The Dean of Wrestling announcers, The Howard Cosell of Pro Wrestling and The Walter Cronkite of Pro Wrestling. Basically, Solie is the most revered and beloved wrestling commentator of all-time. He coined the phrases “pier 6 brawl,” “crimson mask,” and “he’s not fast, he’s sudden.” His approach to calling in-ring action was very serious and he treated wrestling as if it were any other sport and called it with professionalism and respectability. Solie made wrestling seem important and seem like an affair that could be enjoyed by all types of people because the way he presented it made it seem like the premier sporting event going on in the country. Classy all the way, Gordon Solie is a name that will live forever amongst true fans of this great sport of wrestling.

1) Jim Ross
Good Ol’ JR has been a staple in the wrestling world for decades now and has commentated on some of the most famous matches in wrestling history and made some of the most famous calls ever. When Mankind got thrown off the top of the Hell In A Cell by The Undertaker, JR’s call of “As God as my witness, he is broken in half!” made the moment even that more unforgettable. His various catchphrases like, “He’s goofier than a pet ‘coon” and “He’s running like a scalded dog” have become legendary and will live forever long after JR is gone. I think if you ask any wrestling fan who they would want to call one of their matches if they ever became a wrestler, they would almost immediately say JR and I believe that is the true test because JR connects with the fans so well. No matter how many times Vince has tried to go younger and hipper with his announce team, the fans always demand JR because he reaches fans of all ages. No matter how old he gets and how many times people say he’s “slipping up”, at the end of the day there’s nobody I’d rather hear call a wrestling match than Jim Ross. Period.

Poll Results

So last time, I asked you guys what was your favorite Free TV match of all-time. The results are in, and the winner in a close race with 16% of the vote is:

Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat (Clash Of Champions 6)

Well everytime I do these lists, you guys seem to agree with my #1 pick. Which is kind of ironic since I get a ton of email telling me how I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Guess I’m not so bad after all. And here comes the influx of hate mail.

Random Thoughts Of A Disturbed Wrestling Fan

-Holy crap, did you see that SWANK Shooting Star Press that Paul London hit Shelton Benjamin with off the apron last night on Raw? See, THAT’S the shit that they need to allow London and Kendrick to do to get over with the crowd. You know why The Hardys are so unbelievably over with the crowd now? Because of all the insane shit they did when they were younger. Now, they don’t have to do anything even half as insane because the fans love them just because of all their past exploits. You have London and Kendrick who are able and WILLING to do all the insane moves in the world and the ‘E keeps restraining them. I hope that sweet SSP was a sign of Vince letting the reigns off of these guys and not London acting out in defiance because I don’t want to see him released anytime soon. Notice how the crowd couldn’t give two shits about London when he started the match, but were cheering loudly for him after he did that insane move? That was like Jeff Hardy before the No Mercy ladder match in ’99.

-I loved the wedding 2 weeks ago on Friday Night Smackdown between Kristal and Teddy Long, it was fun and cheesy (in a good way). Hornswoggle reeking havoc was awesome, Jagged Edge singing was a nice touch, The Ying Yang Twins seemed like they were both high and drunk (which they probably were), Bruce Bruce is always great to see, and anytime I see an appearance from The Godfather (complete with the HOOOOOOO Train) I’m a happy man. Teddy’s collapse at the end did kind of leave a sour taste in my mouth as I pray to God that they don’t do an Al Wilson on him because I’ve enjoyed Teddy in his GM role for the past few years and with all the recent wrestler related deaths, I don’t think it’s too smart of a move to have one of your on-screen characters die. I must say that Teddy’s collapse was one of the most unintentionally funny things I’ve seen on TV this year. The expression on his face went from joy, to concern, to happiness, to contention, to “Oh-Shit-I’m-Falling-On-The-Floor.”

-It’s funny how the 20-second Save_Us.222 snippet from Raw last week had more people talking than anything that happened on the actual show. Everybody has been trying to decipher the messages shown in the clip and theories have abounded that it could be anything from the return of Chris Jericho or Sid Vicious or The Hart Foundation or Edge or an early promo for Cyber Sunday. I pray to God that it is signaling the return of Jericho because I would love to see Y2J come out to a thunderous ovation while proclaiming that he’s come back to save the WWE. Yea, that would be awesome.

-Dammit, I’m starting to like the new ECW theme song. Manson’s version is still better, though.

-Am I weird because I actually want to see a Tommy Dreamer/CM Punk match at No Mercy? I think those two could have an excellent Extreme Rules Match in Punk’s hometown and I think it would put a feather in Punk’s cap if he would beat the master of extreme at his own game. But alas, they are probably just going to make Elijah win the chase and job to Punk AGAIN. Because that’s what puts the asses in the seats.

-After watching Balls Of Fury last weekend and watching the Halo 3 special on Sci-Fi last week, my teenage crush on Aisha Tyler has officially been renewed. Ohh if I could only have 2, maybe 3 minutes alone with Ms. Tyler. That’s all I would need. But alas, she was scooped up by some white dude. Dammit, why does whitey always seem to scoop up all the fine pieces of dark chocolate sexiness like this:

Come on Aisha, come back to the brothas. You know what they say: Once you go black, you’ll have a 10-inch penis inside of you. See, it doesn’t even need to rhyme baby.

-My awesome girlfriend bought me Halo 3 and after hours of playing it, I’ve come to the realization that A) I suck horribly and B) There are people out there who I am convinced do nothing but play this game all day. I mean like 24/7. Like they only stop to piss, shit and take a nap in their Cheetos-littered recliner. Because they are just insanely good. Like one dude killed 9 people in 30 seconds. How is that even possible? That’s like one person every 3 seconds. I’m gonna have to take a week off work and get my Halo game up. And that’s officially the dorkiest sentence I’ve said this decade.

-The Fall TV Season has officially started and I’m pretty pumped for it (how loserly does that sound?). Heroes is back baby and it immediately started with a cliffhanger. That’s why I love that show so damn much, it always keeps you wanting more. Chuck is a blast as is Reaper because both of them are able to combine action and humor seamlessly. I don’t know why so many people are shitting all over The Bionic Woman, I thought the debut episode was pretty damn good. It wasn’t a blowaway show or anything, but it definitely was good enough not to garner all the crap it’s been getting. Add on How I Met Your Mother, Family Guy, Dexter, Boston Legal, The Office, My Name Is Earl, Scrubs, 30 Rock, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Everybody Hates Chris, and various other great shows and my DVR is in heaven.

-I caught the ROH PPV Driven over the weekend and let me just say this: Pay-Per-View of the Year HANDS DOWN! Every match was awesome, even the squash matches. The opening match rivaled the MITB Wrestlemania match as the best opener this year, The Briscoes vs. Steen and Generico was insane, Sydal and Castagnoli had one of the best matches under 10 minutes that I’ve ever seen, and the main event between Danielson and McGuiness is all it’s been hyped up to be and more. I wouldn’t call it the Match Of The Year like many people have, but I will say that it’s definitely in the Top Three. Fantastic PPV, I’ll have a full review of it in next week’s column.

Drive-By Pimpin’

Check out all these great columns by my 411 brethren:

-Andy Clark’s “Shimmy”
-Ari’s “Column Of Honor”
-Sean, Alex and David’s “Triple Threat”
-Bayani’s “Truth B Told”
-Weyer’s “Shining The Spotlight”
-Byers’ “Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People”
-Larry and Geoff’s “4R’s”
-Fact Or Fiction
-Sat and Uncle Trunx’s “High Road/Low Road”
-Phill Feltham’s “Quick Talkdown”
-Sarnecky’s “Piledriver Report”
-Slimmer’s News Report
-Hidden Highlights
-Carapola’s “That Was Then” and “Friendly Competition”
-The Fink’s Payload
-Gamble’s “Just ‘Spose”
-Cook’s “Ask 411”
-Wilcox’s “Thoughts From The Top Rope”
-Meehan’s “Meethinks”
-Sforcina’s “Evolution Schematic”
-Prag’s “In Defense Of?.”
-Wrestlers of the Week
-Randle’s “Wrestling News Experience”
-Linkous’ “Why I Love Wrestling”
-Double M’s Rasslin Report
-News To Start Your Weekend
-Dunn’s Rawtopsy, Smackdown Breakdown, & ECW eXperience
-Your News, Larry’s Views
-Zac Calhoun’s “The Ripple Effect”
-Joe Estee’s “Keys To The Game”
-Halden’s “You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why”
-Buy……OR SELL!!

And don’t forget about the new guys:

-Chris Lansdell “The Way I C It”
-Alex Barcham’s “Hitting Below The Beltway”
-T.G. Corke’s “The Seventh Dimension”
-Magnus Donaldson’s “Cut To The Crap”
-Tim Haught’s “Pro Wrestling Pundit”
-William Bumgarner’s “What Were They Thinking?”
-Jarrod Westerfield’s “Viral Dose Of Reality”

The Sign-Off

That’s all I got for you this week folks. But get your ass back here next week when the topic will be The Top Ten Bret Hart matches. So many options, so little time.