411’s Impact Wrestling Report 12.22.11

Vince Russo plays this at every taping!

-By the way, I’m rolling spoiler free, I have no clue what’s happening on the show tonight.

-On tap for tonight’s show…

* Tara vs. Miss Tessmacher
* Wild Card Tag Tournament Match: Eric Young and ODB vs. Shannon Moore and Anarquia
* Wild Card Tag Tournament Match: AJ Styles and Kazarian vs. RVD and Christopher Daniels
* Best of Three Series: Tony Nese vs. Zema Ion
* Jeff Hardy and ??? vs. Bobby Roode and Bully Ray

411’s IMPACT WRESTLING REPORT 12.22.11

Championship Roll Call:
TNA WORLD TITLE: Robert Bobby Roode
TNA TV TITLE: Robbie E
TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Austin Aries
TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE: Gail Kim
TNA TAG TEAM TITLES: Crimson and Matt Morgan
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM TITLES: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne

---

Anyone else find it appropriate that Impact Wrestling follows Jail on Spike TV? Art often imitates life.

Opening video focuses on Robert Bobby Roode spitting on Dixie Carter, and Sting’s thoughts on the matter. And the overtime that pissed off anyone who actually ordered Final Resolution. All four of them. Of course Bobby Roode won, and continued what is actually some underrated character development. It all ended with Roode blasting Sting in the back with the belt, with some help from Bully Ray.

Opening Promo
You see, after TNA started Impact Wrestling with a match last week, the universe started doing really weird things. Zack Ryder won a title, and Daniel Bryan won THE title! Cats were hanging out with dogs… Ohio State hot a much less severe penalty than USC… and Chyna claimed she wasn’t an escort.

Thus, in a rare show of solidarity for Dixie Carter, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Ed Leslie, Vince Russo, Bruce Prichard, and Garett Bischoff, TNA started with a promo this week. And all was right with the world. Well, Chyna’s still an escort in denial.

Bobby Roode, accompanied by a Santa Hat wearing Bully Ray. Robert Bobby Roode loves the holidays, and hopes we all love the Christmas gifts afforded by himself and the Bully to us. You see, Roode thinks it’s good to give, not receive. Bully Ray takes the mic and makes Roode’s rather competent promo skills look like Hornswoggle’s. Ray loves giving beatings, and last week it was Season’s Beatings for Jeff Hardy & Sting. Roode refers to he & Bully as “we” and says that Sting has in fact proven that every action has a consequence. Roode calls himself a bad man who appears on both Santa’s & Sting’s naughty lists. Roode calls out TNA’s Authority Figure himself, daring him to suspend Roode…

However, it is the Antichrist of WrestlingCharasmatic Inigma himself, Jeff Hardy. Complete with CM Punk style face paint! Hardy would like everyone to calm down. Obviously he means Roode & Ray, since TNA’s fans believe in Total Nonstop Apathy. Hardy gives Roode some good advice, focus on him & not Sting. That’s actually good advice. Hardy promises to end Roode’s Selfish Generation, and informs Roode & Ray that they’re facing Hardy & a partner of his choice later tonight. Ray informs Jeff that he has no friends, and a fan offers to eam with Hardy. Hardy hugs that fan, and TNA’s lawyers run to make her sign a retroactive waiver. Ray continues to sell the fact that no one wants to be Hardy’s “partnah,” so The Icon, Sting, returns with a Jeff Hardy t-shirt and Joker paint.

Sting informs the heels that Hardy is loved worldwide, and loved by The Stinger. Tata’ (for now).

Commercial break.

Back from commercial, TNA reminds us that the Knockouts are Ho’s, and that we should visit ShopTNA.com.

Tenay & Taz announce that TNA’s unannounced main event match of Sting & Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray 7 Robert Bobby Roode will now be a Street Fight. Hey, why not! (And people say RAW is being booked on the fly!)

Wild Card Tag Tournament Match
Rob Van Dam & Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles & Kazarian
Tenay & Taz predict that AJ & Kazarian will be on the same page. We’re reminded that Abyss & Scott Steiner and Samoa Joe & Magnus have advanced. Prior to that, we were reminded that Fortune is now defunct. Apparently when Roode left they couldn’t stick together. I guess Roode really is that important! Nice chain wrestling to start as Kazarian follows Taz’s advice and grounds RVD. Taz steals WOLDWIDE! from Bruce Wirt. AJ in with RVD, nails a pretty dropkick that causes him to shake out his leg (now THAT’S selling). Van Dam stops AJ with a sweet kick, which Taz claims will knock the tasts out of your face. Daniels goes Ape-Crap on the outside. Tag to Kazarian as Mike Tenay auditions for a job with the WWE by selling Twitter. RVD sends Kazarian FLYING with amonkey flip. Seriously, he 89% across the ring. Tenay & Taz react, the Impact Zone crowd does not. Daniels has yet to tag into the match, as AJ & Kazarian appear to be a “well-oiled machine.”

RVD passes on tagging in Daniels, but he actually did it by contact, which Daniels is fast to point out. Kazarian gets the better of the Fallen Angel, hitting a Side Russian Leg Sweep for one. Kazarian hits a Fade to Black and gets the pin on Daniels.
Winners: Kazarian & AJ Styles (I forgot to time it, between 4 & 5 minutes?, **1/2)

Commercial break (is it bad that I want to see TinTin?)

X-Division Video Packages
Tony Nese video package! They should be doing these more. And with more background. Get these guys over, they deserve it! Zema Ion keeps saying pretty. He’s sick of waiting at home for opportunities. I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments.

X-Division Best of Three Series
Zema Ion (1-0) vs. Anthony Tony Nese (0-1)
Christy Hemme (the only known survivor of a dreaded Rock & Rave Infection) handles the introductions of both men, Tenay reminds us that the winner goes on to face champ Austin Aries, Kid Kash & Jesse Sorensen at Genesis. Ion starts things off fast by diving to the outside and taking Nese down.

Nese is in a must-win situation, which happens in about 99% of the time in match #2 of a best of 3. Nese comes back strong, including a springboard moonsault on Ion for two. Standing switch reversal in the ring, and Nese hits a lifted-bridging-German Suplex for two. Springboard cross body misses, and Zema is slow to capitalize. Ion to the top, but he makes a Z with his hands, allowing for a top rope ‘rana by Nese. Ion comes back with a Code Red, and that gets a replay. Ion picks up Nese after a face breaker across the knee, a nice little bit of continuity from last week. Anthony Tony Nese, of course, takes that opportunity to roll-up Ion for the three.
Winner: Anthony Tony Nese (roll-up pinfall to tie the series, I am currently downloading a stopwatch to my cell phone, ***)

Madison Rayne Backstage
Madison Rayne is interviewed backstage, and she has a huge announcement that will ensure that Impact Wrestling is never the same again. Madison Rayne has been appointed Vice President of the Knockouts Division. Rayne promises to do something we won’t want to miss, and apparently heads to the bathroom. I should make a poll to see if that’s accurate.

Commercial break.

I officially have a stopwatch on my cell phone. You can’t have the number. But you can friend me on Facebook. Seriously, I’m like a great friend to have. Just ask Tony Acero.

The Knockouts are still being sold as Ho’s for the holidays. And I just asked Santa for a Brooke Tessmacher.
I’ve been a good boy this year, Santa!

Pope Speaketh Backstage
We’re back with Pope backstage saying he’s a father to the fatherless, and a husband to the husband less, basically talking about Devon’s kids & his wife. That’s because Pope is Pimpin’, and Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy. Pope quotes Kane, The Godfather and Jim Ross, says he’s in team Double Trouble, and calls for (announces?) himself vs. Devon for Genesis. Devon interrupts so he can TESTIFY! And Pope gets scared. Devon attacks Pope for turning his family against him, which makes Eric Bischoff smile. Devon’s sons take care of business, and Pope talks more trash to Devon—calling The Sons his boys, and finally playing the race card.

Eric Young & ODB (Not) On A Date
We see Eric Young & ODB eating at what appears to be the Rain Forest Café, and ODB classes up the program by referring to her boobs and saying the waitress needs a wax. ODB gargles while Young tries to sell the match, until he decides to attack the waiter. But the waiter escapes! ODB sounds like an adolescent boy in a normal setting. And does that while saying she should be treated like a lady.

Madison Rayne makes me smile and is up next! I’m starting to like recapping Impact, I might do it every week!

Commercial break (I love that Stewey is voicing over a Sonic commercial!).

Madison Rayne In-Ring Promo
Madison Rayne is on her way to the ring. Taz puts more effort into describing her outfit than anything else he’s done all show. Madison calls out Tara & Miss Tessmacher, presumably to give them their well-deserved Knockout Tag Team Championship rematch, right?

Tenay says he & Taz are out of the loop and Taz laughs in a manner that makes me believe that was a shoot comment. Rayne drives home the point that she’s Executive VP of the Knockouts, which Tenay didn’t know (he wasn’t watching Rayne backstage, apparently). Rayne got a promotion to Executive VP during the break, by the way. TNT’s matching outfits make Rayne want to throw up. They don’t make me want to do that, Madison. Rayne would be really good at this job without the screeching. And she inherited Karen’s “Shut Up!” Madison books Tara vs. Tessmacher, and Rayne herself is the referee.

Madison throws us to commercial, in a very effective manner.

Commercial break.

Tara vs. Brooke Tessmacher
Special referee: Madison Rayne
Apparently Tara & Tessmacher stood around doing nothing for an entire break. Good for those fans sitting behind Tessmacher. Swift camera work as Tessmacher is pushed back to the ropes, and Madison screams “One! Two! …” As we get reversal mania from TNT. She threatens to fire both girls if they don’t fight, and Tara looks like she’s considering the offer.

TNT “lock horns” and Madison is still pissed. Karen Jarrett at Bound For Glory thinks Madison is taking away from this match. Madison smacks Tessmacher, making her think it’s Tara. Tessmacher tries to convey emotion, but really just makes a kissing motion towards me. Brooke kicks Tara in the back, and Madison yells “Oooohhh, that really hurt, didn’t it!” in Tara’s face. I smiled again. This isn’t good, but she’s still better than Karen. Taz & Tenay are horrible on this match.

Tara & Tessmacher get all attitude era on us and start pulling hair, and Brooke takes control. However, one reversal leads to a Widow’s Peak–that Brooke escapes. Tessmacher goes up as Madison claps. Brooke with a cross body and Madison does an anti-Bret Hart with the count, allowing Tara to kick out. Both women goare down, and Madison takes forever to make the ten count. Tara seemingly reminds Brooke that she’s turning on her, making me think that Brooke forgot the script. Madison yells for them to “hit somebody,” so they both hit Madison! TNT celebrates as we apparently have no winner here.
Winner: No contest (6:30, zero stars…hey, it didn’t go negative!)

Sting & Jeff Hardy act all Hogan & Leslie Backstage
Sting and Jeff Hardy put each other over backstage, where Sting says that Hardy got into the business because of him, and that “boils his rod.” Sting calls himself a Hardy mark as we hear Tenay push the AJ/Kazarian-RVD/Daniels match on the monitor. Sting references the sphincter muscle, and Hardy likes that. Hogan & Beefcake were gay?

Commercial Break. (what the hell was that Buy.xxx commercial about?)

More Eric Young Shenanigans
Eric Young is now in the kitchen, scoring a 5:2 bad to good joke ratio. That’s not really that bad.

James Storm comes out to the ring! It’s about to get real in the Impact Zone! Well, fake-real.

James Storm promo
James Storm informs Kurt Angle that he’s easy to find. He’s either in the Impact Zone, or at the bar. So he spends three & a half weeks straight at the bar? The Redneck Jesus says it’s no mystery that Kurt Angle “handed me my butt” and has pieces of Storm’s face on his hand. Storm says that Angle controlled three quarters, but got Tim Tebow’d in the fourth!

YES!

Making Todd Fritz proud. (Thank you TecmoBowl.org!)

Storm says he got the job done, and Angle appears on the screen, in Tennessee, at Storm’s favorite local watering hole. Angle makes a joke that even Eric Young wouldn’t appreciate, and the locals aren’t happy with him at all. Angle say she was coming for James, and there’s a full house in the bar. Angle says sorry about the bar’s damn luck, and we’re not sure why.

Backstage, Shannon Moore informs us that he don’t have no strategy, as he teams with Anarquia. There wasn’t enough there for a proper heading.

Commercial Break.

Backstage with Bully Ray & Robert Roode
Bully Ray & Robert Bobby Roode talk backstage, and the main event appropriately gets more selling during the show. I give TNA some credit for that. And Bully Ray makes one hell of a hype man for the World Champ! Somebody’s going through a table.

Wild Card Tag Tournament Match
Eric Young & ODB vs. Shannon Moore and Anarquia (thankfully with Rosita & Sarita)
More WCW booking as Anarquia teams with the man who held the tattoo needle. If he doesn’t immediately pull a knife on him, this makes no sense. Tenay asks why he’s trying to be serious, and Taz doesn’t know why. Because serious sounds better than bored? Tenay then calls Taz a “big bush guy.” Yep.

Eric Young guides Anarquia through some chain wrestling, and Shannon Moore tags himself in. Taz & Tenay debate calling this match a mixed tag, and Young tries to wrestle Sarita outside. She is the most talented wrestler out there at the moment. Young FINALLY gets back into the ring (Why wasn’t he counted out, Earl?), and Earl not surprisingly puts his hands on a woman. Bodyslam by Anarquia as Taz wonders is ODB being Young’s partner is a disadvantage. Um, Taz? She’s the toughest person in the match!

Near-fall on Young by Shannon Moore, and he gets tagged back out while holding Young in a cravat. Young tags in ODB and we have an epic bodyslam from Anarquia on ODB. Moore gets mad at Anarquia for this, and then walks off like a real man. ODB lays a whoopin’ onto Anarquia, proving to me that Moore simply didn’t want to face her. ODB slams Anarquia (in a manner reminiscent of Hogan slamming Andre at WrestleMania 3, by the way), Young comes off the top with an elbow, ODB hits a low blow and pins Anarquia.
Winners: Eric Young & ODB (ODB low blow pinfall on Anarquia, 4:49, ** including a bonus half star as it was in-fact somewhat entertaining).

Tenay & Taz inform us that our main event streetfight… is… NEXT!

Commercial break. (Wrangler Jeans now come U-shaped, which sounds very uncomfortable…)

Matt Morgan & Crimson Backstage Promo
They don’t know why anyone wants to face them, as one is undefeated and the other is the champion of India. Morgan says they’ll face anyone, from any company or any country. So he basically negates the importance of the entire tournament. All Eric Young & ODB needed to do was ask. Maybe Hassan & Daivari could have asked? Possibly The Briscoes? (#DemBoys). What about Generation Me?

Kurt Angle in a Tennessee bar
Kurt Angle wreaks havoc on a Nashville bar—that was “packed” according to Angle, but really had about 12 patrons. Angle is a one man wrecking crew, lining up victims as really stereotypical music plays in the background. And we finally have a bleep, three quarters of the way into the show. And another. And a third. Angle wishes the bar & Storm a Merry Christmas, promising to bring hell to Genesis. He got back together with Rhaka Khan?

Street Fight
Bully Ray & TNA World Champion Robert Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy & The Authority Figure Icon Sting
Jeremy Borash handles the not-super-special ring announcing (denying me of a “ripping off Bruce Buffer” complaint) as all four men slowly make their way to the ring. Very slowly. Like killing time slowly. Seriously, Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker would have started AND be to the commercial break by now.

We have a pier-6 brawl to start, and that makes me happy. I hate when hardcore stipulation matches start with chain wrestling. Sting & Ray are paired off, as are Roode & Hardy, making this hard to recap. But I can tell you that Sting & Ray are on the outside, with Sting having the advantage. Inside, Roode is working over Hardy. We go split screen, which does help the viewer. Sting introduces some plunger. Hardy sends Roode outside, and he & Sting stand tall in the ring. Hardy & Sting launch themselves over the top (!) onto the heel combo. Yes Sting did that.

Commercial break. (Lesnar vs. Overeem is going to kick some major ass.)

We return with Sting & Ray fighting on the ramp, with Hardy & Roode holding up the guard rail. Hardy throws Roode shoulder first into the steps, as Ray takes control over Sting. Outside of the dives, this has really been two singles matches happening simultaneously. An idea that some indie fed will now try to steal.

Roode reverses fortune on Hardy (no pun intended), and Taz references acting skills. Ray has Sting in trouble in the ring (really, they’re in the ring!) as Roode maintains control outside. Tenay says the complexion of the match has changes, an obvious shoot comment on Michael Jackson. Too soon?

Around 10 minutes in, and Sting inexplicably hits a superplex on Bully Ray, and Taz likens it to suplexing a Fiat. Ray has LOST weight, Taz. YOU have gained weight. They finally trade dance partners, and Bully Ray chokes Jeff Hardy with a chain. Bobby Roode turns the kendo stick into Ron Garvin’s boot, and Sting into a Garvin-opposed jobber. But Sting comes back, briefly, before missing a Stinger splash.

Robert Bobby Roode has gone back outside to Jeff Hardy, and Sting gets suplexed onto a trash can by Bully Ray. Taz is now watching another match on his phone via YouTube, one with the Bushwhackers in it. Sting is a house-a-fire, but eats a Double R Spinebuster. Hardy takes the offense on Roode, until Bully Ray cuts him off. The Impact Zone thinks Bully sucks, which shows that they know.

Roode and Ray set-up a table, giving Sting plenty of time to contemplate retirement. And Hardy to contemplate pain killers. Too soon? Sting saves Hardy by moving the table out of the way before Hardy gets suplexed through it, and Sting finally hits the Stinger Splash! Sting has Roode locked in the Scorpion Death Lock, and it appears that Bully Ray tapped out. The first real incident of TNA making the ref incompetent of the broadcast, which usually happens during the opener.

We introduce another table into this match, which is now over 17 minutes in length. Taz says they better get moving, since they don’t have ReAction to rely on for a long overrun. Hardy thinks about hitting a Swanton on Roode through a table, but opts for a splash instead. He must have had visions of Mr. Anderson & Bound For Glory while he was up there. Taz & Tenay sell the fact that Hardy pinned the champ as we head towards Hardy’s title shot at Genesis.
Winners: Jeff Hardy & Sting (Hardy splash on Roode through a table, 18:37, ***)

Sting & Hardy celebrate as Tenay wishes everyone Happy Holidays & a very Merry Christmas. And I wish the same to you!

Spike TV then follows up Impact Wrestling with The Stranger, starring WWE Hall of Famer “Stone Cold” Steve Austin! Good night everybody! Thanks for reading!

What Did You Think About Tonight’s IMPACT Wrestling?

Follow the ‘Mania on Twitter!

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma
http://www.twitter.com/gregdemarcoshow – that’s me!

Friday night at 10 PM eastern, join Larry Csonka and Steve Cook!

The Young Bucks join Greg DeMarco and Patrick O’Dowd!