411’s OVW TV Report 4.17.06

Armando Alejandro Estrada greets us!

Estrada: Everybody listen..haha…to me. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Spanish Version of OVW TV. Due to the oppresive dictatorship of George W. “Butch”….has over the Estados Unidos. I have been forced to hide the assets of my adminstration here in Los Kentuckos. Therefore, I will no longer be referred to as Osammmmma *shhhhhh* from now on you can call me Armandoooooooooo Alejandrooooooooooo haha….Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada! Aka Big Lalo. I’m still accepting donations to vote for Lalo as dictator of Los Kentuckos. And maybe the whole country. Who knows. Amigos, last week on OVW TV. C.M. Punk went one on one with Titus. And during this match, Punk suffered a concussion from a brutal elbow shot from Titus. Punk still beat Titus, then after the match, the OVW Heavyweight Champion, Brent Albright attacked C.M. Punk and he whipped him like he was a horse running in the Derby of Los Kentuckos. haha. Also, the Idol, is now known Mr. Bigtime. Bigtime. So much larger than life! Hey! Mr. Bigtime, decided to hit on the girlfriend of Seth Skyfire. He had a confrontation with her. Skyfire comes out and he attacks The Idol…Mr. Bigtime only to receive an Idolizer on the floor. Then that Reality guy, The Miz, he wants to get involved, and he attacks Mr. Bigtime. All because of a woman. Hey, I’ve got a cousin down in Miami who runs what we like to call…an establishment. Haha! And he always says, a woman is not worth fighting over unless she will stay the whole hour! That’s why when I’m voted dicator of Los Kentuckos I’m legalizing prostitution!

Moving on we gotta talk about the women. We gotta talk about Beth Phoenix. Last week, Beth hit a “Beth Valley Driver” over the second rope to destroy Trinity 1..2…3! Kasey James and Roadkill are the new OVW Southern Tag Team Champions after they won the first ever Risk Factor Match. The Spirit Squad tried to invade their space just like George W tried to invade Iraq. They’re all a bunch of dummies if you ask me! And Elijah Burke tried to share an Experience with The Spirit Squad. Now, after all this commotion….

Shelley: I’m baaaaaaack.

Estrada: Haha!

Shelley: Bethy. Did you really think I was going to hide in a hospital? Did you really think that you could get rid of me? NOBODY GETS RID of me. I’m…still….here. And tonight, anytime you want. *licks her dagger* I’m….ready.

Estrada’s mouth is dangling wide open. Shelley grabs him.

Shelley: Have you…seen Beth?

Estrada: I got a heart condition. You….crazy! You need help comprende! The first thing you need to do. Go find Beth. Go find a doctor. You need lots and lots and lots and lots of help. And the third thing you need to do is remember….vote for Lalo for Dictator of Los Kentuckos! Haha! Th-Th-Th—That’s all folks!

“Let the bodies hit the floor!”

Mikey w/ The Spirit Squad vs. Elijah Burke w/ Roadkill & Kasey James

The whole freakin’ arena is filled with airhorns! Burke hiptosses Mikey into the ring and the bell rings. Burke on top of Mikey and lands several punches. Burke tries to drive off the Spirit Squad. Mikey from behind lands an elbow to Burke’s head. Mondo with some clubbing blows on Burke’s back. Irish whip by Mikey. Cartwheel and backhand spring by Mikey turns into a forearm in the corner on Burke. Burke tries to fire back but rake of the eyes by Mikey. Mikey with a snapmare. Off the ropes. Does a little dance and knee drop on Burke. Covers and gets 2! Mikey with a headlock now. Burke to his feet. Fights out of it. Burke to the ropes but Nicky on the outside grabs his foot while the ref wasn’t looking. Burke looks back pissed. Mikey from behind with some fists. Mikey sends him to the ropes. Burke hooks the ropes. Mikey charges and Burke tosses him onto the rope where Mikey straddles it. Mikey comes down and lands a punch. Mikey slams Burke’s head into the tunbuckle. Snapmare and cover gets 2. Mikey is on the middle rope. Goes for a double axehandle! Burke sticks his knee out and nails an atomic drop! Big back drop from Burke. And a fist. And another. Clotheline from Burke. Burke is calling for the experience! Spirit Squad members are on the apron. Burke takes out one. Takes out another. Poke to the eye by Mikey. Mikey charges right into an elbow from Burke. Burke leaps onto the middle rope, jumps over top of Mikey’s back and NAILS THE EXPERIENCE (X-Factor) FROM THE MIDDLE ROPE! WOW! THE COVER! 1….2….3!

Winner- Elijah Burke

Here comes the Spirit Squad with the attack. Roadkill and Kasey James in too! Roadkill and james clearing out the Spirit Squad! Nicky is trapped in the middle. Punch by Roadkill. Staggers over to James. Punch by James. Another by Roadkill. Another by James! Burke joins in. Elbow by Burke. James with a spinebuster. Roadkill is going up top! He’s still got his belt on! TO THE TOP ROPE! BIG SPLASH WITH THE BELT ON! Kenny has the microphone!

Kenny: This is it. This is it! I’m tired of all you guys. Especially you Roadkill. I got a problem with you. We’ve got a plan and you destroy. Week after week. So tonight, I’m going to show you why you’re nothin but a fat Amish pig, and why Ken Doane is the man! Doane in the ring and slaps the taste out of Roadkills mouth. Roadkill with a bunch of punches and knocks Doane out of the ring!

Sosay is in the ring with the mic after the break.

Sosay: Beth Phoenix showed that no woman could even hope to compete against her. Last week, Beth Phoenix destroyed Trinity. Last week, Beth Phoenix showed once again she is the most horrible…..dominant……..female…athlete that OVW has ever seen! Well….this week. I’m going to handle Beth’s lightwork. So Shelley, since you already made your revolting presence….

Here comes Shelley to the ring!

Sosay vs. Shelley

Sosay tries to kick her but Shelley catches her leg. Shelley brings it out and causes Sosay to do the splits! Shelley mounts her and lands one fist after another. Sosay FOLDS HER UP IN A SUBMISSION! HER FEET ARE NEARLY TOUCHING HER HEAD!!! Beth Phoenix is here and is clapping! Sosay from behind nails Shelley. Shelley is hung up over the bottom rope. Sosay holds Shelley’s face near Beth’s. Beth whispers somethin and Shelley tries to take a swing. Sosay has her in a chokehold. Shelley is up on her feet with Sosay on her back. Electric chair by Shelley. Shelley looks pissed. Shelley slams Sosay’s head down on the mat. Shelley beats Sosay’s head into the mat. Shelley is beckoning Sosay. Goozle! Back heel trip by sosay! Shelley choking Sosay! Ref is counting! She won’t let up! Ref calls for the bell!

Winner by DQ- Sosay

The refs come out to try and get Shelley off Sosay.

Miz: Yo what’s up it’s The Miz! You’re watching Miz TV! Hooray! Miz fits check it out. It’s the Miz versus…Mr….Bigtime. *That sounds guy* I agree man thank you very much. Mr. Bigtime has a little attitude problem. Last week when I had a match with Seth Skyfire, he not only interrupts my match for the TV Title, he then starts insulting Seth’s cute little girlfriend. I mean this girl’s a cool girl. I like her a lot. She is sssssssssssmokin! So obviously Mr. Big Time isn’t too good with the ladies.

Skyfire: Sorry to interrupt Miz TV I just want to say, I really appreciate you watching my back last week. I took that..

Miz: Yeah I saw that man. That Idolizer was brutal! And then when “Mr. Bigtime” stood he, he looked at your girl and I didn’t know what he was going to do so I had to step in. You know I got you and your girl’s back.

Skyfire: Yeahh….why don’t you keep my girl’s back out of this, but thank you. I appreciate it.

Miz: No I wasn’t saying…I mean, if you want to say, you were pretty lucky I was there. Who knows what would have happened.

Skyfire: I appreciate it. How about we leave it at that?

Miz: No problem.

*Skyfire walks off…but comes back again.*

Skyfire: Miz…um…you really think….a girl like her…not going to do your little Miz thing to her. Not going to take her back to your Miz cage?

Miz: Where are you going with this? She’s a hot girl. You…You…let me ask you something. If I wanted your girl, what makes you think you could stop me from getting her? *Awkward Silence* I think this edition of Miz TV is over.

Skyfire: Hoooorah. I like your little hand gesture. Keep it up.

“Just Chad” (Chad Toland) vs. Mickey Batts

Chad shoves him. Bell rings. They lock up. Chad shoves him to the turnbuckle. Chad has him in the corner. Goes for a punch. Somersault by Batts. Chad sends Batts to the ropes. Lifts him up. Batts tries to lock in a move but Chad drops him and kicks him in the lower back. Batts chops back to his feet. Chad with a big right hand. Chad lifts Batts on his shoulder. Batts squirms out of it. Shoves Chad to the ropes. Chad charges at Batts. Batts ducks under. Spinning heel kick from Batts! Batts with Chad. Boot to the gut by Chad. Chad lifts Batts up and drops him across the top rope. Chad with some stomps. Chad grabbing his hair from behind and ladning some nasty blows. Chad lifts up Batts! F-5 by Chad on Batts! HERE COMES TANK! HE’S GOT DARK HAIR NOW!! THE REFS ARE HERE AND TRYING TO KEEP TANK FROM CHAD! THE REFS TACKLE HIM TO THE GROUND! CHAD IS TAUNTING TANK! THE REFS TAKE TANK BACK! Chad rolls back into the ring and keeps taunting Chad. Batts charges and ducks a clotheline. Flips over Chad into a pin! 1..2..3!

Winner- Mickey Batts

Mr. Bigtime is here! (Idol Stevens)

Stevens: This is a shoutout to all the Miz-fits out there. Your reality TV here is about to finally make it. He’s about to cross over to the mainstream. He’s about to get the public relations opportunity of a lifetime. Because Mike Mizanian, Mr. Real World. Mr. Tough Enough. Mr. Reality TV is about to get a taste of what it’s like, when you come in to the big time.

Mr. Bigtime vs. The Miz

Miz walks over to Skyfire’s girlfriend! HE KISSES HER! SHE’S HOLDING HIS HEAD AND KISSING HIM BACK!!! HE TRIES TO PULL AWAY BUT SHE BRINGS HIM BACK AND WRAPS A LEG AROUND HIM AND THEY KISS SOME MORE! HERE COMES SKYFIRE TO THE RING! BIGTIME CATCHES HIM AND STARTS BEATING HIM IN THE RING! MIZ IS STILL MAKING OUT WITH SKYFIRE’S GIRLFRIEND! SKYFIRE WITH A JAWBREAKER AND A MATRIX DROPKICK! NOW HE LOOKS OVER AT MIZ AND HIS GIRLFRIEND! SKYFIRE IS GOING UP TOP! FLYING BODY PRESS ON MIZ AND HE’S BEATING THE HELL OUT OF MIZ! NOW SKYFIRE’S YELLING AT HIS GIRLFRIEND! SHE SMILES AND PLAYS IT OFF! BIGTIME FROM BEHIND! IDOLIZER ON THE OUTSIDE ON SKYFIRE! BIGTIME IS LAUGHING!

And yes….his theme song for all those who miss the Wrestlemania theme is…Big Time.

Moe “The Mug” Sexton vs. Boris Alexiev

Boris is in OVW! His manager puts his mouthpiece in. Here’s the bell. Boris dives but Sexton moves. Sexton jumps over Boris. Sexton a boxer tries to land some punches. Boris reverses and grabs onto his leg. Sexton is flopping around the ring and reaches the ropes. Boris is right on him. Sexton goes for a haymaker. Armdrag by Boris. Boris with a front face lock. Keylock by Boris. Boris has a shoulder submission in the center of the ring! Sexton taps!

Winner- Boris Alexiev

Robbie Dawber is chasing down C.M. Punk in the back.

Dawber: The Rob-goblin needs this scoop!

Punk just scares at Dawber. A very long stare. He starts to grin. Dawber is intimidated as Punk just walks off.

Punk walks into his lockerroom only to find Da Beast!

Punk: You gotta be kidding me. Is this some kind of a joke? It’s not one big goof, it’s another.

Beast: I’m sorry are you looking for somebody….Punk?

Punk: Yeah, I’m looking for the champ. Albright…Gunner…whatever he’s calling himself now.

Albright from behind beats the hell out of Punk! Beast yelling Get Em Champ! Look at the champ!

Albright: What do you say Beast, is it white boy day today?

Beast: Nah I don’t think it’s White Boy Day Today.

Low blow from Punk takes out both Albright and Beast! Punk’s got the strap! He’s beating the hell out of Beast! He beats the hell out of Albright! Back and forth! Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice on Albright! Albright’s tapping!! Here comes the refs and Chet The Jet to break it up!

Punk: Your challenge….has been accepted….champ! And remember….you….just….got….Punked!

Kenny w/ The Spirit Squad vs. Roadkill w/ Elijah Burke & Kasey James

Roadkill runs to the ring and Kenny starts stomping. Roadkill shoves Kenny to the corner and starts headbutting. Roadkill with a couple jabs and a big right hand knocks Kenny to the roads. Burke tosses him back in. Roadkill from behind with another job. Roadkill sends him to the ropes. Big back drop. Kenny begs off in the corner. Big boot by Kenny and a fist to the chin. Kenny tries to slam his head into the turnbuckle. No luck. Roadkill slams his head into the ropes and Kenny slingshots off the turnbuckle. Cover gets 2. Kenny with a jab to the gut. Doesn’t bother him. Another big shot from Roadkill knocks him outside. James puts him back in. Scoop slam by Roadkill. Big splash by Roadkill! Roadkill with some clubbing blows after the 2 count. Kenny punching back. Doesn’t affect Roadkill. Roadkill chopping him down in the corner. STINKFACE BY ROADKILL! Roadkill with Kenny. A knee to the gut by Kenny. Kenny goes for a suplex but Roadkill blocks it. Big suplex by Roadkill on Kenny! Covers 1..2…No!

Headbutt by Roadkill. Roadkill sends him for the ride. Sunset flip by Kenny. Roadkill gets his balance. Goes to sit on him but Kenny moves out of the way. Kenny to the ropes and dropkick gets 2! Kenny with an elbow drop to the neck. Covers again to get 2! Kenny stomping on Roadkill. Kenny stomps him and kicks him to the outside. The Spirit Squad stomping on Roadkill but heres comes James and Burke to hold them at bay. Kenny with a baseball slide knocks Roadkill back to the outside where the standoff is still going on. Kenny with a rake of the eyes. Kenny with a shoulder into the gut in the corner. And another. And another. Kenny backs off to taunt the crowd. Roadkill charges out of the corner and nails a clotheline! And another! The cover 1…2…No!

Roadkill sends Kenny to the ropes. Puts his head down. Kick by Kenny. Clotheline by Kenny and the cover gets 2! Headlock now by Kenny. Roadkill works his way to his feet. Elbows to the gut. Kenny going for a body slam! He’s too heavy! Roadkill lands on top of him. The cover 1…2..No! Roadkill goes for a leg drop. Nobody home. Kenny with a running stomp on Roadkill’s chest. Kenny with a kick to the ribs. Kenny choking Roadkill with his own suspenders! Kenny with some more fists. Clubbing blows by Kenny! Kenny with a little dance and an elbow drop off the ropes gets 2! Kenny with another headlock. Roadkill to his feet again. Belly to belly suplex by Roadkill! The cover 1..2…No! Kenny in the turnbuckle! Roadkill calling for a charge! Nobody home! Kenny rolls him up from behind! 1…2…No! Just barely!

Kenny goes back to the headlock. Roadkill back to his feet again. He’s got Kenny on his back. Squishes Kenny into the turnbuckle. Kenny holds on for another sleeper. Irish whip by Roadkill. Charges! Stinger Splash! Another Irish Whip. Another big splash! To the ropes! Spear by Roadkill! The cover 1…2..NO! He kicked out! Roadkill going for a suplex. Kenny shoves him to the corner. Irish Whip by Roadkill. Reversed by Kenny. Reversed again by Roadkill. Roadkill charges and runs right into a knee. Kenny is on the middle! He jumps! ROADKILL CATCHES HIM WITH A SIDEWALK SLAM! 1…2…NO!!!!

Roadkill setting up for another suplex. Kenny reverses out of it into a DDT! 1..2…NO!Kenny is going up top! Time for that top rope leg drop! NOBODY HOME! Roadkill is up. Scoops Kenny and big fallaway slam on Kenny. Mikey is up and Roadkill catches him. Roadkill to the middle ropes. Goes for a splash but Kenny moves! The Spirit Squad and Kasey James and Elijah Burke brawl on the outside! Spirit Squad with the advantage. Kenny on his feet goes for a clotheline. Ducks under it. Roadkill lifts up Kenny and hits what looks like the F-U! BUT KENNY’S FEET KNOCKED THE REFEREE OUT AS HE SPUN HIM AROUND! ROADKILL WITH THE COVER! NOBODY TO COUNT! SPIRIT SQUAD HAS JAMES AND BURKE DOWN ON THE OUTSIDE! ROADKILL NOTICES AND POINTS UP TOP! HERE COMES THE SPIRIT SQUAD! IT’S 4-ON-1! HERE’S THE MEGAPHONE TO THE HEAD! JOHNNY SENDS HIM TO THE ROPES! SPINNING WHEEL KICK! FAMEASSER BY NICKY! THEY PULL KENNY ON ROADKILL! MIKEY WAKES THE REF! 1……..2……….NO!!!!! HE KICKED OUT!!!!

Both men are down! Here comes Burke! And James. They are taking out The Spirit Squad! Doane to a knee. Roadkill to a knee. Ref still kind of out of it. Roadkill takes off the suspenders. Kenny isnt watching! Roadkill goes for an F-U again. Kenny reverses out of it! Kenny goes for an RKO! ROADKILL SHOVES HIM TO THE ROPES AND BLOCKS IT! KENNY OFF THE ROPES! F-U! THE REF IS UP! 1…2….3!

Winner- Roadkill

Da Beast is back.

Beast: Yeah…I know everybody is looking forward to Punk. The champ. But Punk…look over your shoulder. Cuz now, you have a 6’7 300 pound…mad mother fucker *they bleep it of course* coming after you. Who holds a knockout record of 26 consecutive knockouts in a row. So Punk, wherever you go. I’ll be there. With the champ, I’ll be here. At the restaurant with your little girlfriend. I’ll be there. When you’re grocery shopping. I’ll be there. No matter where you go. I’ll be there Punk. Cuz now…not dealing with no character…..not with Da Beast. You’re dealing with the H-N-I-C…..The Head N**** (Bleep again) In Charge. And his name. Is Shad Gasbard.