411’s WWE Smackdown Report 11.28.08

Welcome to 411’s Smackdown Report! I’m Steve Cook, filling in once again for Scott Rutherford, who had work-related things to do tonight. Keep in mind that we are looking for somebody to regularly recap the show so Larry doesn’t have to bribe me with nude pictures of Sara Del Rey.

Survivor Series recap! I don’t recap recaps.

General Manager Vickie Guerrero is in the ring, and she introduces us to our new WWE Champion, Edge! If you’re keeping score, their marriage seems to be going well again. Big hug! Aw, that’s so sweet. I love seeing happy couples, it gives me hope for myself. The fans don’t seem nearly as happy though, the heartless bastards. Vickie promised a Triple Threat match, and that’s what she delivered thanks to the love of her life, Edge. Edge thanks her and claims he wasn’t ready to come back. He’s not even 100% healthy. But he woke up in the morning, read about what happened to Jeff Hardy, and he had to take actions into his own hands because we all know Jeff’s history. He has a history of letting people down. He doesn’t have the same gumption and tenacity that somebody like Edge has. The fans disagree, chanting “Hardy”. Everyone seems to think that the WWE Championship is the only thing Edge cares about, but that couldn’t be further from the truth because he didn’t want to let Vickie down. He did it all for her. Vickie thanks him for being her knight in shining armor and her hero and for saving her from the irresponsibility of Jeff Hardy. Excuse her! What happened to Jeff Hardy is still under investigation, but this isn’t the first time he’s screwed up. He didn’t show up for his match, he showed up late and got involved. Edge says that when Jeff screws up, he screws up really big, and here comes Jeff Hardy! Security cuts him off before he can get to the ring, and while that’s going on Triple H hits Jeff from behind and tries to get at Edge himself! Security holds them both off, but from behind Edge & Vickie here comes Vladimir Kozlov! No more games, no more triple threat, Kozlov is here to be champion and he’ll beat Edge up right now. Vickie anticipated that the three of them would want to stake a claim at Edge’s title. So she came up with a solution. Tonight there will be 3 Beat the Clock matches featuring Kozlov, H & Hardy. Whoever wins in the shortest time will face Edge for the title at Armageddon. Jeff’s match is next!

Match 1: Beat The Clock
Jeff Hardy vs. The Brian Kendrick (w/Ezekiel Jackson)

I gotta say, Jeff’s new “look” isn’t doing it for me. Throw some face paint on and now you’re different? OK then. I do enjoy Kendrick’s new jacket though, now that’s stylish. And one thing’s for sure…nobody in WWE gets higher than The Brian Kendrick. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Kendrick talks a lot of trash and does a lot of running around to elongate the match. 45 seconds in before we get any kind of action, which is a schoolboy by Hardy for two. Backslide at :51 gets 2. Small package at :56 gets 2 and Kendrick heads outside. Hardy runs outside after him, but gets cut off at the pass by Mr. Jackson. Hardy heads back in the ring and Kendrick gets back in at 1:37. Punch by Hardy, he sends Kendrick into the turnbuckle and a vertical suplex at 1:57 gets 2. Legdrop and a cover by Hardy at 2:06 gets 2. Snapmare at 2:14 gets no count. Hardy with a rear chinlock, Kendrick quickly gets out. Whip by Hardy, reverse, off the ropes, Kendrick tries a reverse monkey flip, Hardy covers into a near-fall at 2:42. Manhattan Drop by Hardy, followed by a double legdrop to the nether-regions of Kendrick. That should be a DQ, shouldn’t it? Cover gets 2 at 3:02. Kick, punch, kick, kick, whip, baaaaaaaaaaack body drop. Kendrick heads outside. He decides to talk to JR & Tazz, and Hardy takes the opportunity to attack from behind. Tosses Kendrick back into the ring, bodyslam at 4:04 gets 2. Falling bodyslam by Hardy gets 2 at 4:20. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Whip reversed by Kendrick, elbow by Hardy in the corner, Hardy goes up top and gets crotched by Kendrick. D-Von Dudley style neckbreaker by Kendrick, who taunts Hardy as we go to commercial at 5:01…

We’re 7:32 into the match as we come back, Kendrick working over Hardy with a neck vice. During the commercial Kendrick leveled Hardy with a Tajiri style kick. Hardy eventually works out of the neck vice, and turns it into an inside cradle for two at 8:16. Kendrick sends Hardy head first into the middle turnbuckle and chokes him on the ropes. Kendrick steps on Hardy’s throat, picks him up and puts him in a modified Camel Clutch. MAKE HIM HUMBLE~! It kinda looks like he’s going for a seated Cobra Clutch, actually. In any event, Hardy fights out of it, rising up and ramming Kendrick into the turnbuckles. Kendrick charges Hardy and Hardy Stun Guns him off the top rope. Hardy picks Kendrick up, crotches him up top, and puts him in the Tree of Joey Lawrence. Basement dropkick knocks Kendrick out of it. Cover gets a 2 count at 10:41. Kick and a reverse sit-out suplex that has a name I can’t think of right now gets 2 at 11:10. Kick, Kendrick fights out of the Twist of Fate, forearm by Hardy, Whisper in the Wind, and Kendrick gets his foot on the ropes at 11:44. Mr. Jackson tries to comfort Kendrick and gets dropkicked for his troubles. Reverse power bomb followed by a Swanton Bomb finishes Kendrick off at 12:13!

Winner: Jeff Hardy

Good match right there, and that’s as much of a rating as you’ll ever get out of me. We find out that Kozlov will be facing Matt Hardy while Triple H gets Shelton Benjamin.

Backstage, Eve (w/boobs) is with Matt Hardy. Matt says Jeff’s had his problems and he claims that Edge & Vickie were behind what happened to Jeff on Sunday. He’ll do anything in his power to make sure Jeff gets his title shot.

At Survivor Series some stuff happened with Undertaker, Big Show and a casket. JR & Tazz tell us that next week we’ll see Undertaker vs. Big Show in a steel cage, which is already hanging above the ring. We get to see a possible preview thanks to the Smackdown vs. Raw video game. Somehow I doubt Show will take a bump off the top of the cage in real life.

Match 2: 6-Diva Tag Team Match
Brie Bella, Nikki Bella & Divas Champion Michelle McCool vs. Maryse, Natalya & Victoria

Lots of turquoise for the faces. Michelle & Victoria start things off, Michelle gets the early advantage with arm drags, and she tags in…let’s go with Nikki Bella, who monkey flips Victoria. Tag to Brie (I guess) and they do the old Rock & Roll Express move. It gets 2. Victoria lifts Brie up, Brie reverses into a sunset flip for 2, she goes for a flying mare but Victoria just lets her drop to the mat. Tag to Natalya, who vertical suplexes Brie for two. Mexican surfboard, shades of Bryan Danielson! JR guesses the one in the ring is Nikki, but I think its Brie because I keep hearing somebody in the corner yell Brie’s name. Tag to Victoria, who executes the Spider’s Web for a two count. Tag to Maryse, who pulls Brie’s hair and hits a poorly executed Stroke for a one-count. Take that, Jarrett! Michelle ducks a Maryse shot but Maryse does manage to knock Nikki off the apron onto the floor. Brie with a chin breaker, and she makes it to the corner and tags in Michelle! She runs by Maryse and dropkicks Natalya off the apron. Clothesline and dropkicks to Maryse, a flipping neckbreaker gets 2 before Victoria breaks it up. One of the Bellas spears Victoria, I think it’s Nikki because that’s probably Brie selling in the corner. Michelle rolls up Maryse, but the referee is distracted by the fight between Nikki & Victoria. Michelle knocks them both out of the ring, but Maryse gets her with a clothesline. A hard slap knocks Brie off the apron, Maryse tries a DDT, Michelle gets out, Brie back in tries to clothesline Maryse but Maryse ducks and Michelle takes the clothesline! Maryse covers for a three count while Brie gets tripped from behind.

Winners: Maryse, Natalya & Victoria

Michelle is none too happy with the Bellas after the match, and, as the kids say, bitches them out. Maria tries to intervene, telling her to calm down but Michelle pushes her down to the mat! Angst among the Divas! When did Maria get red hair?

We see DX’s WWE Shopzone commercial from Raw again. I gotta tell ya, I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those basketball jerseys. And neither will Kelly Kelly, it seems.

Match 3: Beat The Clock
Vladimir Kozlov vs. ECW Champion Matt Hardy

The Hurripop tells us that Hurricane Helms will be making his return next week on Smackdown. We get the clock running backwards now, in case you’re scoring at home (or even if you’re alone, which you probably are if you’re watching Smackdown at home on a Friday night like me). Hardy seems reluctant to tie up with Kozlov, and it becomes evident that his strategy is not to win, just to survive. A tie up results in Kozlov pushing Hardy into the corner and the referee breaking it up. “Hardy!” says the fans in attendance. More stalling from Hardy here. This is going to be a long match, isn’t it? Hardy catches Kozlov with a punch, Kozlov misses a counterpunch and Hardy runs away. Kick by Hardy and a headlock. Hardy holds on to the headlock, Kozlov tries a back suplex but Hardy counters into a headlock takeover. Kozlov keeps trying to roll over into a pin, but Hardy maintains the advantage. Kozlov gets it to a standing position, whips Hardy off the ropes, but Hardy bails to the floor. 9:30 left on the clock…yikes. Hardy continues to run around outside the ring. 9 minutes left and Kozlov gets a takedown on Hardy, Hardy grabs the ropes and the ref breaks it. Kozlov with a go-behind, and he maintains the waistlock while getting some near-falls on Hardy. Hardy fights out with some elbow strikes, off the ropes and a hard shoulderblock by Kozlov. Kozlov raises his arms while Hardy rolls outside the ring, proving that he’s as dumb as he looks. Kozlov decides to chase Hardy, and Hardy does the old “run in the ring and attack your follower when he gets under the ropes” trick. Punches by Hardy, but Kozlov locks his arms and does some hard headbutts. Big boot sends Matt into the corner, and we hit a commercial with 6:56 left…

3:38 left as we come back. A belly to belly suplex by Kozlov gets a 2 count with 3:26 remaining. Kozlov mounts Hardy and punches away. 1 count at 3:10 remaining. Front chancery by Kozlov, and a “backbreaker” gets 2 with 2:44 remaining. Hardy fights back, off the ropes, he tries a cross body block but Kozlov catches him and hits the Last Call for a two count with 2:19 remaining. Kozlov keeps him on the mat and gets another near-fall at 2:07. Kozlov places Hardy up top and headbutts his lower back. Last Call off the bottom rope, it gets 2 as Hardy grabs the bottom rope with 1:31 left. Kozlov his a powerslam for two at 1:11 left. Another near-fall at 1:02, and frankly Kozlov isn’t doing enough to beat the clock with this offense. Hardy wiggles out of a powerslam attempt, and hits a Side Effect. Kozlov is out of it and Hardy kicks him out of the ring. He gets back in with 20 seconds left, Hardy tries a Twist of Fate, Kozlov pushes him off and Hardy flies out of the ring! Kozlov tries to get him back in, but Matt shrugs him off and Kozlov loses to the clock!

Winner: The Clock

Play Matt’s music! We go backstage, where Jeff Hardy celebrates for a second before being interrupted by Triple H. Staredown! Commercial!

Match 4: Tag Team Match
Jesse & Festus vs. The Miz & John Morrison

They ring the bell and Festus goes nuts. I like this whole “going crazy at the bell” gimmick better when Delirious does it. One has to wonder why Jesse insists on starting the match when it’s obvious that Festus can’t go more than a few minutes at that pace without blowing up. Shouldn’t he just let the big guy go? Anyway, it’s Jesse & Miz to start things. Headlock by Miz, Jesse fights out with punches, off the ropes, kick by Miz, he runs into an elbowblock by Jesse, cover gets 1. Miz throws Jesse throat first into the middle rope, he works him over and does a cool over the top rope thing he does in all his matches I’ve never seen. Tag to Morrison, Miz catapults Jesse into a forearm, then Morrison with an elbowdrop on Jesse. Morrison stands on Jesse’s throat, then Miz chokes Jesse while the referee discusses Barack Obama’s cabinet selections with Morrison. Double gutbuster by Miz & Morrison & Miz covers for a two count. Miz with blows to Jesse’s face and then a variation of a cravate. Jesse fights out, but Miz responds with clubbing forearms. Jesse blocks a vertical suplex attempt and hits a twisting suplex of his own. Tags to Morrison & Festus, who goes crazy on Morrison with some punches. Splash in the corner, then a flying shoulderblock by Festus. Miz gets knocked off the apron, and Morrison, who has rolled to the floor, decides to ring the bell. Festus reverts into his normal catatonic state while Jesse clotheslines Morrison on the floor. Jesse rolls Morrison back into the ring and rings the bell, sending Festus back into Crazytown. Big boot by Festus and a throat thrust to Morrison, off the ropes and a big flapjack by Festus. Miz attacks Jesse from behind and rings the bell, causing Festus’s offense to cease & desist. Miz & Morrison attack Jesse while Festus stands in the ring, and the referee decides to disqualify them!

Winners (by disqualification): Jesse & Festus

Miz & Morrison hit Jesse some more, then turn their attention to Festus. Miz raises Festus’ hand to his head and forms the shape of an L. LOSER! The bell rings and Festus goes crazy for a second before the bell rings again. This high comedy continues as Morrison keeps ringing the bell for their amusement and Miz decides to act like Festus. Jesse gets knocked out with the ring bell. The bell accidentally rings while Miz & Morrison celebrate, & Festus clotheslines them both and runs them out of the ring. Play Biscuits & Gravy! I’m sure everybody on the Internet will claim this was the most hilarious thing ever, but I didn’t think too much of it.

Last Sunday at Survivor Series some stuff happened, and then on Raw other stuff happened.

Backstage, Mr. Kennedy plugs his movie and introduces Triple H. Triple H congratulates Kennedy on his return in that back-handed way only Triple H can do. Kennedy asks H if he can beat Jeff Hardy’s time, and if so, why. The whole world wants to know if H can beat Shelton in 12:13? Watch him. Edge, he’ll see you at Armageddon. So now Kennedy’s a backstage interviewer? If I were Eve or another backstage interviewer I’d be concerned about my job security. Also, if I were Eve I would date this fascinating fellow named Steve Cook, but that’s another story for another time…

Match 5: Beat The Clock
Triple H vs. U.S. Champion Shelton Benjamin

As Tazz & JR have pointed out multiple times tonight, Shelton has defeated Triple H before. As a matter of fact, I can tell you that the first time Shelton beat Triple H was on the March 29, 2004 edition of Raw, which was in Cincinnati, Ohio. And I can tell you that because I was in the sixth row on the floor leading the cheers for Young Shelton Benjamin. Good times. H goes for a Pedigree right away but Shelton ducks out of it. Headlock by Shelton, off the ropes, elbowblock by H, he goes for the Pedigree again but Shelton rolls outside this time. Shelton stays outside for a bit and starts talking to the referee, so Triple H goes out and attacks from behind! He rams Shelton’s head into the ring post. Back into the ring, Shelton comes right back and punches and kicks H. Whip into the corner, H charges out and clotheslines Shelton! H tries another Pedigree, Shelton backdrops him out of it but H holds on for a sunset flip and gets a 2 count with 10:40 left. H puts Shelton in a crossface, but Shelton doesn’t submit so H lets him out and re-applies it in the middle of the ring. Shelton is able to reach the ropes with 9:46 left. Shelton onto the apron, H tries to suplex him back in but Shelton reverses it into a neckbreaker! We go to a commercial with 9:15 left…

We have 5:39 to go as we come back, and Shelton has H in a rear chinlock. H fights out of it, whips Shelton off the ropes and tries for a backdrop, but Shelton reverses it into an awesome DDT! A two count on Triple H with 4:52 left to go. Shelton punches away on H and hits another rear chinlock. Back to their feet, Shelton knees H and tries for a neckbreaker, but H shoves him into the corner and hits a Northern Lariat! Back up, Shelton elbows H, off the ropes, high knee by Triple H. Punch, Shelton reverses the whip, but gets met with a chin crusher by Triple H. Two count with 3:27 left. Shelton rolls outside and seems to be heading for higher ground, so H follows, turns him around and throws him into the guardrail! Back into the ring they go with 3 minutes left, or maybe not as Shelton rolls out by the announce table. H throws Shelton over the table as Tazz ducks out of the way & JR just sits there. He claims he’s stuck, which reminds me of the story of how Winnie the Pooh got stuck in the rabbit hole. Anyway, H throws Shelton back over the table and back into the ring. Shelton goes out the other side, and H rams his head into the ring steps! Back in the ring, Shelton goes off the ropes and runs into a spinebuster! H goes for the Pedigree, Shelton backdrops him out of it! One minute to go, Shelton holds on to the ropes for his life as H tries to pull him off. H pulls him off, but Shelton wipes out the referee in the process! Shelton goes for a punch, misses, H kicks him and hits the Pedigree with 32 seconds left! He’s got him covered, but the referee is still recovering…H tries to slap the ref out of it and covers Shelton again, the ref crawls over, and wouldn’t you know it, his three count coincides with the buzzer!

Winner: Triple H

Another referee comes out and argues with the referee. We see a replay and it’s pretty dead-on. Then we get a replay of the finish of the Hardy match next to the finish of this match and it’s pretty equal there too. The ring announcer announces that H & Hardy’s matches ended at the same exact time: 12:13. Jeff Hardy comes down to the ring and has a conversation with Triple H that we can’t hear. So who will Edge face at Armageddon? As we fade to black, we’re not entirely sure…

But I’m sure we’ll find out next week! And we’ve also got a cage match and the return of Hurricane Helms then, so join Scott Rutherford or whoever else might be here next week, won’t you?