The Wrestling Bard 11.08.09: Mania Odyssey, Part VI

FUN WITH COMMENTS!size=4>color=red>
Well, the good news is that there were only one or two comments I felt weren’t worth reading. Which means I have succeeded in either shutting them up or scared them off! That was an unexpected pleasant surprise. The other unexpected pleasant surprise was the group of people who opened up about their faith while criticizing me: Warriorman, Johnson, and DJ.

I want to make a slight correction to Warriorman, which is probably a fault on my end for not being clear than a fault on your end for not understanding. What I meant to communicate was that I would not read any comment from somebody mocking me for my beliefs. You can usually figure out who’s going to do that within one line, because angry offended people lack subtlety. Or originality. It’s very repetitious and not worth my time to read or respond to.

This is the point most of you brought up. Yes, I admit that I got a bit defensive and spiteful to people because I felt they were disrespecting God, who means everything to me. Yes, I admit that the more Christian thing to do would be to turn the other cheek and pray for them (I have prayed for them even if I didn’t turn the other cheek). Yes, I know that being defensive reveals my own insecurity about my faith. Honestly, I was talking as much to myself as to everyone else, because I have to tell myself, “This is what I believe and I’m not going to let anyone make me feel inferior for it.” I’m still working on getting to the point of being “a man confidant”, since such a man is “blameless and without need for explanation”.

To DJ, I would simply like to say that I understand humility and pride as well as anyone. I am very aware that any good accomplished through me is not my doing, but God’s. I used the word because it was the only one I could think of to get it through to people that THIS IS WHO I AM, that I value things they don’t, and that I am actually quite happy, content, and far from sad. To quote Shawn Michaels, “I have a joy that is unspeakable.” Blame the English language for not having words to explain, or blame my lack of knowledge of such words, but that was the best I could do. The only other defense I can give is that I was boasting of Jesus and God, and not of my own accomplishments. (Also, I’m turning twenty next week, and I’ve been a fan since 1993-1994ish, so your math is a tad off.)

The last thing I want to say, because I can’t remember who said it; I don’t do this “religious” thing for hits. 1) I’m not religious, I have a relationship with Jesus. 2) It’s not a “work”, it’s who I really am. 3) The only thing I’ve ever done for the sake of hits was a feud with Jake Chambers. Part of me would rather have four hits and not be mocked for my faith. The braver part says, to Hell with the hits, just be real. If that means that I drive every reader away to the point where Larry has to fire me, so be it.

At any rate, what’s done is done, and now there’s a group of fellow believers that I am aware of. I pray that they will help me continue to grow, and I pray that, even if I am young, I can inspire them to be a bit more open about it. I’m not perfect, but I am real.

Now, on to the other folks…

Great Capt. Smooth, when it comes to basic interactions, I agree with you. I’m a huge supporter of Interfaith Ministries. People need to quit with hatred and cruelty, including MANY “Christians” I have the misfortune to know. “Treat others the way you want to be treated” is a universal teaching, but apparently, it stops applying when you get past the age of eight. I also like country music (REAL country music, not this stupid Taylor Swift/Rascal Flatts “Country Pop” crap), but I hope that doesn’t interfere too much.

Guest #3505, you and I are pretty much in agreement, and thank you for respecting my views. However, one thing: 1) I’m not Catholic. I’ve never attended mass, I don’t have Rosary Beads, I’ve never tasted wine, I don’t plan on having more than four children, the only saints I know are St. Patrick and Francis of Assisi, and I’ve never prayed to Mary. I consider myself non-denominational Protestant, but at a push, I line up most with Baptist tradition. If all of these denominations and such make no sense to you…well, it shouldn’t make any sense, because it’s stupid and contrary to Biblical teaching anyway. But I’m decidedly NOT Catholic or Mormon.

Radtke, old friend. Thanks for commenting on the wrestling portion! I was starting to wonder if I wrote anything about wrestling last week (yes, Warriorman, I know, don’t get the mob, it’s a joke). Yes, both brothers are starting to head towards smarts. However, consider the ages they would be: according to my writing, Johnny was six at Wrestlemania and would have been ten at Wrestlemania V. Mike is thirteen. You want a comparison, I knew wrestling was staged when I was SIX and I started liking heels when I was NINE. And no, I didn’t visit any wrestling websites; the World Wide Web was still pretty small in the 1990’s. I grew up in a “wrestling family”, with my brother, mother, and uncles all watching it when they were growing up. Johnny has an older brother and a father who are wrestling fans; the secret has to be revealed at some point.

Also, if you look closely, Johnny isn’t yet a “smark” in the sense we think of it. He still loves the babyfaces and boos the heels. But he also needs a reason to care about people and grew up watching wrestling when it was taken more seriously. We smarks often vilify “Rock ‘N Wrestling”, but really, the cartoon factor didn’t hit THAT bad until the 1990’s. If you are used to watching people like Tito Santana and Ricky Steamboat, why would you care about the Bushwhackers or the Red Rooster? As far as him starting to like “workrate”…When I was seven, my favorite wrestler was Rey Mysterio. It wasn’t because he “had good matches”. It was because he was doing all of the crazy, flippy stuff that blew my mind. I also liked Eddy and the Canadian Chrises simply because they did moves I liked. The idea of “workrate” wasn’t in my head, even if that’s what I was enjoying. So I don’t think it’s farfetched at all for a ten-eleven year old kid to appreciate the athleticism of Ricky Steamboat or the “cool” factor of Ric Flair.

To kid, you’re wrong. NWA is not > than WWF. NWA >>>>> WWF, especially in 1989. Flair, Steamboat, Sting, Terry Funk, Muta, Luger, Windham…such a great year. That said, I hate Muta in Japan. Despise him. Loathe him. The guy has invented more ways to stall than Taz has invented ways to suplex people. But when he was young and in the U.S., Muta was pretty great.

PYLON BREAK!size=4>color=gold>

It is April 1, 1990. George H.W. Bush is in his second term as U.S. President. The San Francisco 49ers defeated the Broncos 55-10 to win the twenty-fourth Super Bowl. Driving Miss Daisy won best picture at the Academy Awards. In the World Wrestling Federation, tension between the two biggest stars in the company has reached its zenith: tonight, Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior battles WWF Champion Hulk Hogan. There is a real “big match” feel in the Sullivan Household tonight; Johnny is backing the Warrior, while Mike is backing Hogan. The clock ticks ever closer to what is sure to be a showdown of epic proportions.

Johnny’s life has been pretty stable and comfortable, with one major change. After hearing Jim Ross talk about Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat’s years as amateur wrestlers, Johnny decided to start it up. It was nothing like pro wrestling; they wrestled on mats, and more importantly, it was definitely real. But Johnny fell in love with it, and was a natural, ending the season with more wins than losses. It wasn’t a big accomplishment yet, but he had found a new hobby to devote himself to.

One of the reasons Johnny is pulling for Warrior is the similarity with another of his favorite wrestlers: Sting. For the last year, Johnny has expanded his wrestling tastes to include the NWA/WCW show. And really, he has enjoyed it more than the WWF. He has enjoyed the deeply personal rivalry between Ric Flair and Terry Funk. He fondly remembers watching Funk say, “I quit!” at the Clash of the Champions. He enjoys watching his all-time favorite wrestler Ricky Steamboat, and is enamored by Sting, a charismatic wrestler with face-paint. Meanwhile, the WWF brought in “Zeus” from Hulk Hogan’s movie, “No Holds Barred” and Randy Savage had become “The Macho King” and was beaten up by a Buster Douglass on Saturday Night’s Main Event. So the epic showdown couldn’t have come at a better time for Johnny. Finally, finally something interesting is happening.

Sadly, the show starts off reminding Johnny of why he didn’t like WWF as more. Rick “The Model” Martel defeats Koko B. Ware in short order. Johnny had only really cared about him when he teamed with Tito Santana, and he hated him when he left him to beaten last year. But if he wasn’t in the ring with Tito, Johnny just doesn’t care about him. Fortunately, the next match reminds him of what he loved about the WWF. Demolition were looking to get their World Tag Team
Titles back from the Colossal Connection, the formidable duo of Andre the Giant and Haku. The brawl goes back and forth until Haku misses a kick that nails Andre and traps him in the ropes, allowing Demolition to hit their finish and win the match. Bobby Heenan starts to berate Andre, but Andre finally has enough and beats them both. For Johnny, it is a moment of jubilation. For over three years, he has hated Andre for turning on Hogan. But at this moment, Johnny remembers watching Andre slam Big John Studd, remembers being in the arena when he won a battle royal at Wrestlemania 2. He remembers the awed respect. And it’s as if the last three years never happened. Andre rides back to the locker room, with the ocean of people cheering for him.

But Johnny would not be without a giant, ruthless monster for long. Having cut back on his WWF watching, he is unfamiliar with Earthquake. While not as big as Andre, this beast of a man is faster and more energetic. And judging by his second Earthquake Splash on an already defeated Hercules, he’s even more ruthless.

The next match does more to prove that Johnny’s tastes have changed than anything. Last year, Johnny rooted for the Blue Blazer to defeat the cocky, arrogant Mr. Perfect, while his brother Mike cheered him on. Now, Johnny was starting to be entertained by the swagger, which reminded him of Flair. He also enjoys watching him get beat up, because he bounces around like a pinball. And this is what he enjoys most about his match with Brutus Beefcake. Neither he nor Mike cheers for Perfect now, but they instead laugh at his antics.

Then, for the first time since Funk put a plastic bag around Flair in an attempt to suffocate him, Johnny was truly shocked by wrestling. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper appears for an interview, with half of his body painted black. The obvious racial tones cause Johnny and Mike to gawk, first at Piper and then at each other. No words are spoken, but this often happened between the two brothers; sometimes, nothing had to be said. They watch in stunned silence as Piper and Bad News Brown brawl to the back.

A very quick win by The Hart Foundation over the Bolsheviks breaks the silence though. “What’s the point of having the match on the show if it’s not even going to last thirty seconds?” screams Johnny, who was a huge fan of the Hart Foundation and was upset that they didn’t wrestle longer. “What about King Kong Bundy at the first Wrestlemania?” says Mike. “That’s different, I didn’t like Bundy,” counters Johnny. “The Foundation are a great team, like the Steiners or The Rock & Roll Express. I wanted to see them wrestle.” “Well geez, it’s nothing to get upset over man.”

Johnny’s mood lifts considerably when Tito Santana comes to the ring. As all of Johnny’s favorites do, Tito makes him forget that wrestling is staged, and Johnny cheers for Tito the same way he did when he was seven and eight. And just like when he was seven and eight, his cheers are in vain, as the much larger Barbarian hits a devastating clothesline from the top rope to put him away. Still, Johnny finds this temporary belief to be very satisfying.

Unfortunately, the next match brings him back into reality violently. He watches Randy Savage, once a beloved hero, get embarrassingly beaten by the jolly, fat Dusty Rhodes. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he watches Sherri get beat up. That’s usually satisfying, but when it’s Sapphire attacking her with her sizeable rear-end in an entirely unconvincing fashion. It’s not as bad as when Robocop showed up to help Sting a month ago, but it is pretty bad. Johnny feels the tiniest amount of sympathy for Savage when Sapphire rolls up Sherri to get the win.

His mind starts to wonder. He looks at Mike, who has been lazily watching the show for the most part. He looks at the couch where his Dad usually sits, but that is currently empty. For the first time, his father broke the tradition of watching Wrestlemania with the boys. He had paid for the show, but he was out on a date, apparently trying to move on from the divorce and spice up his love life a bit. Johnny knew that he shouldn’t be angry with his Dad; he deserved to be happy. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of being somewhat…abandoned. It was a much different emotion than the joy of forgetting that wrestling was fake; and Johnny decides that he would watch the rest of the show as if it was real.

Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior both speak about their match in incredibly engrossing, but equally incomprehensible interviews. This gets Mike and Johnny talking about the main event and who will win. The Rockers’ appearance is enough to make Johnny forget about it temporarily, but only temporarily. The grand scale of Hogan vs. Warrior looms over the two. Johnny does let out a sigh when Mr. Fuji cheats to help the Orient Express get the win, but his eagerness for the final match prevents him from caring more than that.

He watches Dino Bravo and Hacksaw Jim Duggan wrestle and tries to get into it, but the comedy of Hacksaw chanting, “U.S.A!” to the Canadian crowd puts the brothers in stitches. Mike decides to get popcorn and a deck of cards. “I’ll teach you how to play blackjack, bro. Bobby taught me how months ago, but Mom doesn’t approve, so I haven’t gotten the chance to show you.” He leaves in time for Earthquake to assault Duggan after the match, and gives Johnny a chance to fully appreciate the ruthlessness of the attack.

The blackjack game carries them through Ted DiBiase and Jake Roberts’ match. Johnny stops to catch glimpse of it and Mike wins over and over again. “I guess there’s no such thing as beginner’s luck for you.” Taking it as an insult, Johnny ignores the match between Akeem and The Big Boss Man and manages to beat Mike three times in a row. “Well I’ll be damned, bro. Guess I was wrong. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Johnny knew his brother was going out to smoke, and he started watching the TV just to keep his mind off it. He didn’t care originally, but it had been going on for over two years, and he was starting to worry about his brother, who habitually coughed and tried to pass it off as a cold or allergies. But he didn’t have too much time to dwell on it for long. Mike come busting back into the house. “Shit! Dad’s home, Dad’s home! Johnny help me pick up the cards!” They managed to get them all in the box and the box into Johnny’s pants pocket before Dad opened the door.

“What on earth are you watching?” said their dad. Johnny and Mike looked at the TV and saw Honkytonk Man and Greg Valentine playing music in the ring, only to be chased off by the Bushwhackers. “Um….wrestling?” Johnny says. “So, did everything go well tonight?” “Yes, things went very well,” answers his Dad, with a huge smile on his face. “Cool!” shouts Johnny. “When do you think you’ll see her again?” “I probably won’t.” “I thought you said it went well?” says Johnny, now confused. “You don’t have to get a second date for the first one to be worth it,” says his Dad, winking at Mike. Johnny decides to drop it and watches Rick Rude and Jimmy Snuka wrestle, and boos when Rude hits the Rude Awakening to get the win.

Finally, the moment has arrived. Ultimate Warrior rushes down to the ring, causing Johnny and most of the crowd to lose their minds. Hulk Hogan follows, making the rest of the crowd lose their minds and making Mike cheer. The two men stare each other down as their championship belts are removed. The bell rings, and they shove each other. Their hands lock in a test of strength, and much to Johnny’s surprise, Warrior brings Hogan to his knees. Johnny cheers wildly, but Hogan powers back up and forces Warrior to his knees, causing Mike to cheer. The match continues, with both men seemingly even and unable to gain an advantage until Warrior hits a clothesline that sends Hogan to the floor. Hogan holds his knee, and Mike holds his breath.

Warrior goes after the knee, but it is a short lived advantage as Hogan fights through it. Hogan starts to dominate, hitting move after move, always getting two counts, but always keeping the advantage. Mike and Johnny’s eyes stay glued to the TV screen, even when Hogan slows the pace down with a chinlock. Only a simultaneous clothesline gives him reprieve, and the brothers rabidly cheer both men, begging for the match not to end by a count-out. Suddenly, the Warrior starts to fight back, going to the ropes and shrugging off Hogan’s offense, causing Johnny to jump in place and Mike to groan. Warrior hits clothesline after clothesline and finally gets the match firmly in his favor. He accidently hits the referee, but it proves to be his saving grace when Hogan drives him into the mat after dodging a shoulder block.

Warrior hits a suplex, and would have beaten Hogan had the ref just recovered a second sooner. Then Hogan gets the closest of nearfalls with a roll-up. They two continue to battle, but Warrior manages to hit his huge Press Slam. Johnny cheers frantically as Warrior connects with the splash. The ref’s hand hits the match once, twice, but not a third time, and the brothers explode, Mike with excitement and Johnny with frustration. Hogan starts shrugging off all of Warrior’s blows and hits the big boot, and Johnny’s lungs fail him as Hogan hits the ropes. As soon as the legdrop hits, it’s over. But it DOESN’T hit! Warrior moves at the last moment and connects with his splash, and this time, the referee’s hand hits a third time. Johnny’s celebration is drowned out only by Warrior’s heavy rock theme, and the roar of the 60,000 plus in the arena.

Even though Johnny had rooted for the Warrior, he was still a Hogan fan, and felt sorry for him as Hogan held the belt. Then, in a moment that tops everything else that Johnny has seen in wrestling, Hogan places the belt on Warrior’s shoulder, and the two gladiators hug. Hogan leaves the ring to give Warrior his moment to shine, and Johnny’s respect for Hogan goes up one-hundred fold. For this moment, wrestling is as real as Johnny believed it was.

*****

I figure I pretty much have to have a suitably epic match for this occasion; although, like Hogan-Warrior, this match isn’t exactly spectacular outside of context. It is the first meeting (to my knowledge) of Japanese Legends Toshiaki Kawada and Kensuke Sasaki.