411’s WWE Smackdown Report 3.17.05

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m Matt Nute and I’ll be your Smackdown recapper for this evening. Nick Marsico is out with the Bubonic Plague, but will return next week, with 30% less skin lesions. Joining me for one night only is my roommate, Bowyer. That’s right, it’s Buy One, Get One free night at 411! Bowyer will handle the play by play, I’ll handle the commentary.

Nute’s comments in italics, to make it easy on y’all

Smackdown opens!

We are live from Savannah, GA! Last week Cena F-Ued Teddy Long for not giving him a match with JBL. What will happen next? Tonight Long will address Cena’s actions, and tonight’s we will also have RAW’s general manager, Eric Bischoff, in attendance to oversee the contract signing between The Undertaker and Randy Orton.

Kurt Angle’s music hits, and he comes out to open the show! Angle’s new shirt is cool. Hell, the marquee match opens! He’s got a mic, and addresses Shawn Michaels, telling him there’s no way to prepare for an Olympic Gold Medalist, and that he’s going to beat the hell out of Marty Jannetty right now. Rockers music hits (that DOES sound like London’s) and here he is!

Thankfully, Marty’s wrestling in a shirt, and not with all the tassels from Monday night. Let’s see if he can bring the awesome like he did earlier in the week.

Recaps of the fun as hell tag match from Raw.

Kurt Angle vs. Marty Janetty.

I have no stopwatch, so we’ll guess at match times. “Marty” chant to start. Lockup, and Angle moves Marty into the corner, then we go into a little hold exchange. Angle can’t get a hold of him, and takes a hip toss. Marty gets the kip up, and has the mental advantage! Dang, but he’s all over and stuff. (He is from Georgia, and Savannah’s always a hot crowd. Nice city, that one. When they’re not shooting up courthouses.) Angle gets a headlock and grounds him. Marty fights up and whips him off, but takes a shoulder and back to the headlock. Fights up and hits Angle with a nice arm drag! Marty takes control with an armbar, but you can’t out mat-work Angle. Angle gets a takedown out of the armbar and then they exchange wristlocks like it’s the most important day of Alex Shelley’s life. (Some explanation – Alex Shelley is the best technical wrestler on the independent circuit and my favorite indy wrestler. Bowyer likes making fun of his penchant for incredibly complicated technical maneuvers that end up in a wristlock. You go to hell, Bowyer.)

Very even match so far. Unexpected.

And by “even”, we mean “Holy shit, Marty Jannetty is getting in some offense!” Senior citizens RULE!

Angle takes the advantage with a kick, and scores another takedown. I think he’s winning on points. Marty rtolls out into a hammerlock! And again! Angle tosses him out, but Marty grabs the rope, leans up with a rana, and then skins the cat back in! Short baseball slide, and then HUGE double axehandle to the outside! We’re at commercial and Marty Janetty is beating Kurt Angle! What year is it?

It is 1988 all over again! Except Kurt Angle was nowhere in 1988. Who was the equivalent of Angle in 1988? Bret? Oh yeah, Marty owned his ass then too. Carry on.

Commercials.

We come back from commercial and Angle has taken control with a grounded rear waistlock. Quick two-count, but no dice. During the break, Kurt rammed Marty SIDEWAYS IN THE AIR into the ringpost. (Seriously, it’s like a twisting spinebuster into the ringpost. Insane!) Smackdown is not friendly to old people. Angle cuts a comeback off with a knee to the gut, and a nice vertical suplex. Ribreaker into a two count, as Marty just will not go down.

Angle continues to work the midsection with a leg-scissors, which will weaken Marty for the eventual Angle Slam. He’s got a great advantage in that he can get a chinlock out of this position as well. Marty rolls out of it, and gets a jawbreaker! Marty fires back with a punches, but a whip is reversed into an Angle belly to belly that sends Marty sprawling. Angle Slam — NO! Armdrag! Charge into the corner gets nothing, and Angle hits a German. Pin! Kickout! Pin! Kickout! Pin! Kickout! Marty Jannetty will not die!

Angle back to the ground. I have completely lost count of the near falls in this match. It’s not fast-paced, but they’re going for pins off everything, showing that every single move counts. Marty fights back with chops and punches, and hits a DDT! (And one hell of a sweet faceplant DDT, almost a running Edgecution) Both men are down!

Angle’s up at five, and Marty wins the punch war. Reverse flying elbow takes Angle down. Marty charges into the corner and eats boot. Angle comes out, but then Marty hits a spin wheel kick! 10 punches in the corner! Angle goes for a powerbomb… RANA BY JANNETTY! MARTY UP TOP!

Okay, I watched the Rockers. Marty never hit any top rope move by himself unless it’s his…

Crossbody block ROLLED THROUGH TO A PIN BY ANGLE! TWO COUNT!

Oh yeah, that crossbody block that everyone under 300 pounds in the 80’s did. It’s still awesome, you know.

BIG German and Angle’s out of danger there. STRAPS DOWN but NO on the Angle Slam! (Marty has escaped doom TWICE!), but only a two count on the roll-up! Marty’s slipped out of the Angle Slam twice now! ANKLE LOCK! Kicks out of the Angle Lock, and roll up gets 2.9999! Crowd boos the no-fall. ANKLE LOCK AGAIN! Marty’s fighting it! ROLLS THROUGH and Angle eats turnbuckle! Rocker Dropper set up but Angle drops to the ground and trips Marty into the Angle Lock! Marty rolls out but Kurt hangs on! Marty rolls over onto his back and kicks at him, but Kurt steps over and we’ve got the leg grapevine Angle Lock! Marty…. TAPS!

Great opening match! Around 20 minutes. Great stuff! Sign Jannetty!

Seriously, in two shows, Marty Jannetty’s shown that he can hang with some of the best that the WWE has to offer. He’d be an asset to either show, or even just being around as a road agent for the kids to learn from. I note that Angle couldn’t land the Angle Slam on Marty, possibly because of Marty’s familiarity with Shawn’s old back suplex that was similar to the Angle Slam. Great match, and possibly one of Smackdown’s best this year.

Teddy in the back with a stagehand, and he’s all business!

Commercials.

Back from commercial. Did you know that Wrestlemania is in 17 days? They’re going to beat it into your skull if you don’t yet.

Backstage, Teddy Long says that the inmates will not run the asylum, (Unless you’re in NWATNA and you do an Anarchy In The Asylum night. Ah, back when TNA was cool. Or at least less of the Jeff Jarrett Masturbatory Theatre…) and that Cena can’t lay his hands on him. JBL comes in to add that Cena is a reprehensible piece of garbage. JBL says he wanted to be here for the moment Long permanently suspended Cena. Long says that Cena’s not suspended, but that Cena can’t lay a hand on JBL before Mania or he’ll forfeit the match. However, if there’s a match between them, JBL is fair game! And tonight there is a six-man match, between the Bashams and JBL versus the WWE Tag Team Champions Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero, and their teammate, John Cena!

The only problem I have with this is that there’s no actual punishment for Cena’s actions. At least say he was fined or something.

Chavo runs into Eddie backstage, and says that Eddie’s a disappointment to the family. “You’re tag team champion with Rey Mysterio. That’s a great spot. But not for you. Last year you were WWE champion coming into Wrestlemania. But now…” Chavo says he’s not here to stir things up, but that Eddie’s holding back. “How many times did you have to lose to Rey Mysterio before you tagged with him? Can’t beat him, join him? Do the family a favor. If you’re going to keep acting like this, why don’t you stop calling yourself a Guerrero?” Eddie takes his frustration out on the completely innocent chair.

And for the record, does the arena in Savannah not have lockers? Why’s Eddie hanging out in the room with everyone’s luggage?

Commercials.

Back from commercial, divas are hanging out in the crowd. Earn that paycheck!

Booker’s music hits and he’s out for a match!

They show Sharmell Sullivan in the front row! They acknowledge that Booker got married! Tazz acknowledged that Sharmell was a Nitro Girl! No one acknowledges that she was a backstage interviewer and then got fired! Still, I like showing that Booker’s settling down.

Booker T vs. Luther Reigns

Here comes Heidenreich to ruin what was sure to be a five-star classic worthy of Flair/Steamboat. I bet Sharmell’s not safe now. No, he’s on commentary, and Michael Cole is practically at the other table now.

We will note that Michael Cole will only refer to Heidenreich as “Mister Heidenreich”. Because we all know who’s the boss here. That’s right.

Lockup to start, and Booker gives a clean break in the corner. Luther takes the early advantage, but Booker counters with chops and punches galore. Heidenreich is deathly silent on the outside, and my sanity thanks him. Rest hold time! Luther randomly bellows things as “Booker T” chants come up. Luther taunts the crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen, the… noises you hear in the background are Heidenreich, who has joined us on commentary.” Well, at least Heidenreich’s into this match, ‘cause no one else is. Rest holds and stuff occur, and Booker gets a forearm and a pair of clotheslines. Booker hits his spinebuster and is calling for the crescent kick (imagine someone playing a stand-up bass). Luther ducks it but eats a superkick. Spinaroonie into scissor kick, and that’s all we need for a three! Thank heavens.

J.R. and Lawler should take notes from Heidenreich’s commentary in this match. Booker looked cleaner than usual, and Reigns was solid. Nothing spectacular out of two unspectacular guys.

Heidenreich stands up and Booker — screw it, that’s not important because it’s POETRY SLAM TIME! HEIDENREICH’S GOTTA A MIC AND HIS HAND IS IN HIS TRUNKS AND — wait, it’s just poetry. He reads a poem to thank Booker for showing him “the light, that is shining oh so bright.” He says that Booker T has shown him the light! “I thank you for giving me a chance to come out! I thank the whole world! THE WHOLE WORLD!

THIS is why I watch Smackdown. Heidenreich is gold. I hope he gets his own DVD.

I… I got nothing here. He stuck his hand in his pants and apparently had a religious conversion thanks to Booker’s chairshot last week. I wanna go to THAT church! “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the –*CONCHAIRTO!!!* — amen.”

Commercials.

The Wrestlemania commercial spoofing “When Harry Met Sally” with Christie and Kurt Angle plays again. “And then there’s the Angle Slam! Which I can do multiple times! Four or five times in a row, even!” Linda at the end of this MAKES this. We are in tears, here.

Agreed! These make Wrestlemania awesome. Except for the Undertaker as Dirty Harry. That one was ass.

Contract signing time! What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Bischoff’s out as well with Teddy! Bischoff talks about how great Raw is. Teddy Long surely will have a counterpoint.

Here comes Orton! There is ONE GIRL standing and cheering for Randy. The other one doesn’t count because she spelled his name “Randi.” However, that’s still probably more than Taker will have standing and cheering. I hope.

Long introduces the Undertaker, and the lights go all freaky as normal. The angle they get for his entrance at the ramp is fantastic.

Four minutes later, we’re in the ring! Boy, they do not look like they belong in the same ring at all. After a long staredown, Undertaker signs the contract. Orton hesitates… and a little more… he seems to be second-guessing himself. Randy picks the mic up. Before he signs, he says, he wants Undertaker to know that he has nothing respect for him and his legacy. Orton guarantees victory at Wrestlemania, because unlike all of his other opponents, Orton is not and will not be afraid. Did Orton just sign his name “Legend Killer?” Did he just SLAP Undertaker? You SLAPPED the Undertaker? What was THAT?

Gotta agree here. You say you respect the guy then you slap him. Wait a minute, Taker’s taking his hat off… Orton slapped his eyes all the way back into his head! FEAR THE SLAP!

Taker seethes with rage, and the whole place goes NUTS, Titantron going static-y, and Orton BAILS. Taker brings lightning down and makes HUGE explosions right behind Orton! Randy retreats as quickly as possible.

Well, Randy’s a little girl.

You said it. Randy’s running scared from an old dude in mascara. Dead man walking, 12-0 record, decade of destruction – you’re still wearing eyeliner, Mark. You’re about as intimidating as Robert Smith.

Commercials.

Hulk Hogan Hall of Fame thing.

Jackie and Lauren Jones in the crowd with fans. Who’s Lauren Jones? “She’s one of the Diva Search chicks.” I say again…

Shut up shut up shut up! London’s coming out! And he’s dressed like he’s raided Rico’s costume closet! Awesome!

PAUL LONDON! FUR COAT AND ALL! A BACKFLIP! TWO!

Okay, a little warning — we are HUGE RoH fans, and even moreso for Paul London.

Amen! London owns you all for the price of a grilled cheese sandwich! Hey, and here comes Kidman! He’s a Kid! He’s a Man! He’s KIDMAN! Tonight, the Shooting Stars EXPLODE!

Our match: Paul London vs. Billy Kidman. And Nute’s been saving that Kid-Man joke for months now.

London stomps around the ring, and here we go! Lockup and stuff, and after a break, Kidman gets a kick, but London hits a weird monkey flip, followed by a low dropkick, gets a two count. Forearm into the corner, and a Kidman charge gets elbow. London to the apron, looking for a springboard — KIDMAN DROPKICKS HIM OUT OF A SPRINGBOARD ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR! GAAH!

I’ll second that! London sells like he’s on commission! Kidman tries to lay in some offense on the outside before remembering that he doesn’t have any moves that work while he’s standing up.

Kidman rolls London in, two count. Kidman goes to the chinlock and rapid stomps to the back. Kidman’s got some Judd Nelson “Breakfast Club” thing going with that hair and unshavenness. He’s also PSYCHO.

London powers out with an elbow, and then drop toeholds him into the turnbuckle. London is too tired to take advantage, but counters a backdrop with a kick to face. London has the momentum! Forearm! (I will admit London’s weakness – he can’t punch for shit.) London clothesline! HUGE RANA by London! DROPSAULT! Only two. Kidman puts London on top but Paul fights out, Kidman presses the advantage and goes up again, do we see a superplex? London blocks! Release front suplex off the top! Kidman is down! 450! THAT’S ALL! Paul London is your winner!

Fun little match!

Indeed, this shows that London’s worth the shot at the cruiserweight title. They didn’t announce it for Wrestlemania, sadly, so it sounds like it’ll happen beforehand or on Heat.

And now… a nacho guy. Carlito is the nacho guy’s assistant! Carlito steals hotdog money from some little kid, but he didn’t give the kid his change. So he sprays him with ketchup instead! And eats his hot dog! Carlito is awesome. Or possibly “cool.” And then he spits hotdog in some kid’s face, and then resumes reading the paper. Carlito!

Commercials.

Stone Cold’s at Wrestlemania, by the way. Did you know?

Cole’s in the ring and talks about Mania, including The Big Show vs. Akebono. And here Show is. Can he PLEASE get new music? Cole shows a video package of Akebono’s sumo wrestling. Cole asks Show how he’s preparing for this sumo match. Big Show talks about Akebono’s, and I quote, “massive size and powerful thrusting.” No, really. And that’s really about all he says.

Big Show, how are you preparing for your Wrestlemania match? You’re not? … … … good strategy there, man!

Orlando and JBL talk about the match later tonight. JBL says that Cena will lose his title shot if he lays his hands on JBL, and then gets an idea. But he needs Orlando as a witness. Shenanigans!

Commercials.

Raw Rebound! If you need to know what happened, read any of the recaps on 411.

Dawn Marie in the crowd. So is Michelle McCool. And now they fight, because Dawn Marie is a bitch. How’s unemployment, Test?

Test will return. Test is LIFE! (We miss you, Test. Get well soon.)

JBL tries to goad Cena into a fight. JBL calls Cena’s mom a whore, having to sleep with everyone to make ends meet. “Why don’t you take the easy way out, like your mama, and take a shot at me?” After all that yelling, Cena tells JBL that he’s as stupid as he looks, because in five minutes, when that bell rings, Cena is going to beat JBL’s ass.

This would have been so much cooler had Cena just beaten the shit out of Orlando Jordan.

Commercials.

A Raw Diva Search recap, for some reason. Oh, yeah, that’s right, Christy’s naked now. On newsstands now!

Main Event Six-Man Tag Match:
The Bashams and WWE Champion JBL vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio, and John Cena.

Eddie’s new Grand Theft Auto-esque shirt is awesome. Whoa, when did Cena get new music?

Tonight, apparently. Much more befitting the future champion, I say.

Bell rings, and roughly half a second later JBL is down. Cena hits a sit-out armdrag on Danny, and gets a big bodyslam and Dace Dance Legdrop. Cena grabs Danny to force a tag, and JBL grabs Doug’s arm to try and force HIM to tag. Eddie’s in off a tag, and Cena’s all intense and crazy. Eddie hits his senton, and ditches both of them with his double arm-drag/rana. More taunting takes us into our…

Commercials.

I feel the commercial for Colorado Technical University in Kansas City, Missouri, bears mentioning.

We’re back and Doug and Eddie are in the ring. Eddie tags Rey in quickly with an elbow, and hits a springboard crossbody for two. Rake of the eyes, and Danny gets tagged. JBL gets tagged in, and we have JBL against Rey Mysterio. This could be funny. Rey dropkicks JBL’s knee out and TAG TO CENA! JBL bails, and Cena takes his frustirations out on the Bashams, Fisherman’s suplex get two, and Rey gets tagged back in. Eddie chokes Danny as Rey distracts the ref to “Eddie” chants. Rey skids out of a clothesline, and Danny calls for… something… Rey’s rana to 619 and it CONNECTS! Doug promptly grabs Rey and chucks him into the misnamed safety rail. Rey is dead, and JBL’s in with a big neckbreaker. “Cena” chants, but JBL cuts the tag off. Rey takes the Last Call (fallaway slam) and Danny is in to tag Doug. Okay, just pick one! I’m getting confused! They work Rey over in the corner, and Doug tags Danny. Okay, screw you guys.

Danny is the chubbier one who’s shorter, Doug is the skinnier one who’s always partly unshaven.

Double flapjack and kip up by the Bashams (?), and more rest holds on Rey. Danny tags out to Doug (that’s it, I hate you guys), and another front facelock grounds Rey. Rey is trying to power his way to a tag, and Eddie distracts the ref while Cena F-Us Danbny! Cena shouldeblocks JBL to the outside, but eats steps on the outside and Rey takes JBL out! Eddie’s in, and triple verticals on Danny! Rey Drops the Dime as Eddie dropkicks Orlando out! That’s three!

Eddie looks kind of depressed. Again, he does all the work and Rey gets all the glory. I smell a Wrestlemania match?

JBL goes for a chairshot, but Cena ducks and gets the chair! He’s going to MURDER JBL with it… but he can’t! Cena has no choice but to let JBL leave. Or murder Danny with the chair, that’s cool too. Cena sets the chair up, and… sits calmly next to JBL, and does the “You Can’t See Me” thing right in his face.

Cena’s music takes us out as JBL is all sorts of pissed.

End show! Great Smackdown, very enjoyable.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that was Smackdown! Nick will be back next week, and you can catch me every Monday morning with the Finish Line! Thank you and goodnight!