411’s WWE Velocity Report 09.04.04

Hey, folks. Sorry about missing my Smackdown debut, but the show was pre-empted for Giants football. All I’ll say in reply is that I’ll be doing Smackdown this week, and GO JETS!

Scott Fact #1: Scott recently started work in an art gallery.

Scott Fact #2: Scott likes Cocoa Crispies.

Josh is back, with a neck brace. Bill never left, of course.

Scotty 2 Hotty versus Jamie Noble

They circle each other a bit, with Scotty dancing for the crowd before locking up. They wrestle around a bit, with Noble taking the upper hand. However, when Scotty changes up his game plan, he knocks Noble out of the ring with a dropkick. Noble re-enters and tries to go on the offensive, but Scotty reverses a belly to back suplex into one of his own. Scotty attempts a bulldog, but Noble reverses into a neckbreaker. A stiff clothesline scores two for Noble as Josh Mathews thanks Lindsey Lohan and President Bush for wishing him well while he was hurt. Ah, that’s why Josh’s line was busy when I tried to call. They always forget the little people. Noble gets a suplex, and then applies a front facelock. Scotty gets up, but Noble hammers him down, scores a legdrop. Noble applies a Goku-Raku Velocity Lock, but Scotty gets up and runs Noble into the corner. Scotty takes the upper hand, getting a back body drop and a bulldog. Scotty fires off the W, the O, the R, and then the M, then chops Noble. However, Noble grabs the rope, stopping the count. Noble goes to the apron. Scotty tries to suplex him in, but Noble slides off. Scotty goes for the Superkick, but Noble catches it and goes for the Tiger Driver. Scotty breaks it and tries to roll Noble up, but Noble rolls through and grabs the ropes, pinning Scotty.

Winner: Jamie Noble
Match Time: 6:28
Rating: ***
Commentary: Not ultra-fast paced, but a decent contest between these two. Noble winning was a pleasant surprise, as well.

On Smackdown two weeks ago, Heidenreiden beat up Josh Mathews. Hype-y hype hype hype.

On Smackdown this week, Luther Reigns helped Kurt Angle beat Eddie Guerrero, so apparently, Eddie with feud with Luther now. Eddie has got to be the biggest “miss” of the year for WWE. If they had continued booking him after WrestleMania like they did before WrestleMania, he could be the most over guy on either show.

Luther Reigns versus Mike Kurkhart

Lockup to start. Luther backs Kurkhart into the ropes and hits a cheapshot, then works him over on the mat. Kurkhart is pretty big, actually, only a little shorter than Reigns, so this is a slightly different squash. Meanwhile, Reigns is tossing Kurkhart around the ring. Reigns squelches Kurkhart’s offense with a Full Nelson Slam, then hits a modified Roll of the Dice for three.

Winner: Luther Reigns
Match Time: 1:46
Rating: *1/2
Commentary: Pretty crummy, but on the plus side, it was kept short.

Funaki and Spike Dudley have a match, brought about by an argument during a WWE.com interview.

Mark Jindrak versus Shannon Moore

For the Velocity Title, by the way. Lockup to start, and Jindrak shoves Moore to the mat. Moore scores an enziguri, though, and goes kick crazy on Jindrak. Moore gets a drop toe hold and a springboard legdrop for two. Moore slaps Jindrak, then rolls him up for two. Moore gets a dropkick, but Jindrak clotheslines Moore, then stomps away on him. Jindrak chokes Moore, then levels him with a huge punch. Moore gets up and throws a few punches, but Jindrak clobbers him and hits the big dropkick. Jindrak applies a chinlock, but Moore breaks out of it, tries for a sunset flip, but gets clotheslined. VELOCITY LOCK by Jindrak. Moore breaks out, kicks Jindrak, hits a few flying forearms, but takes a huge back body drop. The Mark of Excellence follows and finishes.

Winner: Mark Jindrak
Match Time: 4:09
Rating: **
Commentary: Just the same thing we’ve seen from these two a bunch of times. Moore gets some offense, Jindrak wins.

On Smackdown, Cena, RVD, and Mysterio wrestled Booker, Dupree, and Suzuki. I made a joke about the match in The Wrestling Guide, so, uh, look to that if you want to laugh.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Spike Dudley versus Funaki

We are explicitly told that this match is for the title, which I always like. Lockup to start, and Spike gets a top wristlock. He then grabs Funaki by the hair and pulls him to the canvas. Both men get up and Funaki tries to flip Spike over, but Spike retains the hold. Funaki reverses into a hammerlock, but Spike grabs the ropes. Funaki gets a shoulder, hiptoss, armdrag, and scoop slam, causing Spike to head outside to regain his bearings. Spike pulls Funaki out, but Funaki hits a punch and tosses Spike back in the ring. Funaki goes on the offensive as Spike begs off, but Spike hits an eye poke, then gets an inverted atomic drop for two. Spike tosses Funaki into the turnbuckle, then punches and stomps him. Spike applies a full nelson, which Funaki eventually breaks by stepping on Spike’s foot. Funaki scores a few punches, then an enziguri. Funaki whips out punches, then scores a dropkick for two. Bulldog by Funaki scores another two, but a battering ram by Spike gives him an advantage. Funaki manages to get a backslide for two, then sets Spike up for the Tornado DDT. However, Spike pushes Funaki off, then nails the Dudley Dogg for the win.

Winner: Spike Dudley
Rating: ***1/4
Match Time: 6:06
Commentary: A really good match, given the time it was allotted. I would like to see Funaki get a run with the CW title before he retires.

That’s it for this week, folks. See you on Thursday!