The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 05.31.07

I really had so much good information planned out for this week, but just like Afroman predicted, I got drunk instead. Now I would never promote the use of cannabis especially after seeing what happened to RVD’s career, but a little Samuel Adams never hurt no body. Especially when I found out that I’m about to move to Boston (I don’t know what’s cooler: it’s John Cena’s home state or the fact that there is already a theme song written about me). Regardless, I went out celebrating, yadda yadda yadda, it’s about to be my deadline and I haven’t written shit yet.

I’m such a role model for these young’uns at 411!

WWE NEWZ

Wrestlemania 24: John Cena vs. K-Kwik?

Now this one is a doozy. From our very own newswire, “WWE’s John Cena and TNA’s Ron Killings had a confrontation of sorts this past Monday morning around 7 AM at the Charlotte Douglas International Airport in North Carolina. Cena apparently saw Killings at the airport and approached him. Cena was upset with Killings over negative comments Killings had made about Cena during a few promos he had made and put on YouTube. Cena apparently stared down Killings, wanting him to say something in person. The two exchanged glances before going their separate ways.”

The only thing that could have made this better was if both men took shots dissing in other in the form of battle raps. Hell, I would have flown in Wilmer Valderrama and began filming another season of Yo Momma right then and there.

All joking aside, I find it very surprising that John Cena approached him based on You Tube shoot promos. Considering that at best 3000 people watched the video, I don’t think Cena needs to worry about one hater. It’s bad enough he has the country of Canada against him. Thanfully, fisticuffs were not thrown or else we would have been stuck with the Great Khali as WWE champ (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Lastly, I think it’s safe to say that Ron Killings won’t be back in the WWE in the near future (which is a shame seeing how he’s being wasted in TNA).

Hey, Didn’t I Cover This One Month Ago?

According to 411, “The June 24th Vengeance PPV is being advertised as “The Night Of Champions”.

How this is different than Backlash is beyond me. Personally, I think the King of the Ring should make its return at one of these spring/summer PPVs considering that there’s four in the span of nine weeks. I like the way One Night Stand is being booked as an Extreme Rulez PPV as it differentiates itself from the surrounding shows. Of course, with so many PPVs in such a short time, there’s going to be a lot of rematches on these shows. Which is why I feel that the King of the Ring would be a better show-gimmick than the Night of Champions. Unless superteams are competing (Hardyz vs. Londrick), then there’s really not much appeal for eight title matches.

Oh That Stud Muffin, Batista

Since we already know I’m the gossip rag of the 411 News pages, here’s some insider news as to why Ariel was fired. According to the Wrestling Observer, Ariel had some beef with Batista which could have contributed to her firing.

As stated in the newsletter, “Most of the women don’t say anything about it and sometimes it doesn’t matter when there is a conflict, it doesn’t matter who is right and who started it, but who is higher on the totem poll.”

So while Da Meltz did not mention that Ariel turned down the Little Animal (I wonder how many moves he would botch in that performance), at least I can assume that is what happened. I can’t really blame Batista on this one. His ex-ho Rebecca was canned a couple months ago and we are still a month away from the next Diva Search.

The Latest Pyramid Scheme in the WWE

And for those of you who wonder who’s really in charge, here’s a look at the recent promotions in the WWE (from the Observer).

Stephanie McMahon is now Executive Vice President of both Talent Relations and Creative Writing.

John Laurinaitis is now Senior Vice President of Talent Relations, reporting directly to Stephanie.

Kevin Dunn is the third most powerful person with regards to the TV product, behind Vince and Stephanie.

Geoff Rochester is now Executive Vice President of Marketing, replacing Kurt Schneider, his old boss, in the role. It makes him a very powerful person in the company with regards to global marketing, scheduling live events, advertising, public relations, branding of the company and various other duties.

You might be asking yourselves, where’s Shane O Mac? Truth is, Shane is looked upon as the successor to Linda’s position while Steph will follow in her daddy’s footsteps. It just goes to show you that Triple H is still the smartest man in wrestling.

Paul London: Problem Child

I must say that some of the funniest news in the WWE always centers around Paul London. A couple of years ago, immediately after Vince McMahon banned the 450 splash, London used the move at a WWE house show. The following week, London jobbed his Cruiserweight title to Nunzio on an edition of Velocity.

Flash forward two years and once again Vince McMahon has banned certain highspots including the Shooting Star Press. Of course, immediately after this ban, Paul London used a shooting star plancha at a recent house show. This time (with no belt around his waist), Vince calmly informed London that the next time he decided to perform that maneuver, he would be fired on the spot. Sometimes I guess it just pays to be the boss (story interpreted from the Observer).

While we could argue for days that this recent ban is another nail in the coffin for Cruiserweight wrestling, I am behind Vinnie Mac on this one. The SSP is not that easy of a move to control. Just ask Brock Lesnar or the few opponents that Billy Kidman has seriously injured (paging Kerwin White). While the move is all sorts of flashy, there’s plenty of other safer moves that can administered and still get a rise out of the crowd. We never saw Stone Cold do anything but a middle rope forearm drop and he was quite popular.

I Guess We Have a Metallica Fan Here

According to PWInsider, “a female WWE fan has filed a lawsuit again The Sandman, James Fullington. The suit alleges that Fullington committed assault and battery against her during an August Sci-Fi television taping while making his entrance.”

I think we can all safely say that this lawsuit won’t be getting far along in the courts, much less past the Tennis Courts where this bullshit belongs. Considering Sandman’s act has become so watered-down, I can’t possibly see where a person could be assaulted. Maybe she got beer spilled on her. Maybe Sandman’s kendo sticked rubbed against her the wrong way. Both of these assumptions happen all the time at Hooters and you don’t see those waitresses trying to make some extra cheese.

TNA NEWZ

At Last, You’re on Your Own!

According to PW Insider, “Christian Cage has signed a new deal for 2 or 3 years.”

This is great news for TNA since Christian has been really the only WWE star to have a lasting impact in TNA (so far). As much shit as I give TNA, I cannot deny that Christian has stepped up his game during his runs as TNA champion (and thankfully, the company has let him stay heel for almost a year!). Even though, I fully expect Christian to one day return to the WWE, it seems as if he has made the correct decision in the handling of his career. At best, he would have been given a “Thank You” run one day with the World Title (a la Chris Benoit) and even that would not have happened until everyone else in the company came down with a quad/neck/kidney injury.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPETELY DIFFERENT… COOLEST SHIT ON THE WEB

This Edition:

Vinnie Mac at an Indy Show?

Last Friday, John Cena appeared at a Chaotic Wrestling indy show, which just so happened to run by John’s father (the same one who Edge bitchslapped). In addition to John Cena guest refereeing the main event, there was a special surprise appearance by Eugene! Oh and our most recent ECW champion.

Yes, Vince McMahon appeared at an indy show. Don’t believe me… watch it here!

I must say those fans in Massachusetts were quite lucky to not only see the WWE Champion but also the ECW Champion. Reasons like these are why I’m super pumped about moving to Boston!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… ONE NIGHT STAND SIMULATION

Now’s the time when I let my lackey run loose and take over for me. Lackey… Wilcox… lackey?

Unfortunately, the lackey’s Playstation 2 is broken and he was unable to simulate this weekend’s PPV. This might be for the better as I am unsure as to how he would have simulated a Pudding Match. Regardless, I’m still fucking pissed at him for missing an obligation AND for his comments he made this past weekend when he filled in for Slimmer. From Wilcox’s Heat report:

Hello and welcome, all, to the best Heat Report on not just 411, but the whole freakin’ internet. Even better than Small’s.

Blasphemy, I say. Blasphemy. Don’t worry true Smallophiles, next week, I will make an example out of Wilcox. And he would be lucky if all he has to do is bark like a dog!

ONE NIGHT STAND PREVIEW

As mentioned before, I am looking forward to watching this PPV largely in part due to the eight unique stipulations that were added to the matches. Even though, I mock TNA for Lockdown every year, the WWE gets a pass from me since there’s eight DIFFERENT stipulations with most having to do with the storylines heading into each match. Of course, there are a few matches where the gimmick forced the particular matchup (Henry/Kane Lumberjack match or even Hardyz/WGTT), but I can overlook that as both matches are lower card/midcard fodder. The majority of the main matches have been built up well (I’m torn on the build for Edge/Batista in a cage) thanks to the fallout from Judgment Day and if I were you, I’d spend your hard earned cash if you have nothing better to do.

One last thing: there’s a pudding match. How can this not win PPV of the Year?!!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Stay tuned next week when I preview the upcoming Roster Draft, exact my revenge on my lackey, and introduce a brand new addition to my Small-For-All. Until then…

Stay sober.

Marsico’s in tomorrow!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!