The Dope on Smackdown 10.17.08

We were LIVE from Las Vegas, NV with J.R. & Tazz and I have quite the little hangover going, so indoor voices, please.

The Big Show, flanked by Chavo Guerrero, makes his big way down to the ring and gets on the mic. Man, Chavo got dissed by the announcer, big time! Show thinks Undertaker is crazy stupid for screwing him out of the WWE title last week and he gives us the options for their Cyber Sunday clash: Last Man Standing, I Quit, or a Knock Out match. Some random jobber comes down to help Show demonstrate for us what a Knock Out match is, by having a match and quickly getting knocked out. Another chump comes out for an I Quit demonstration and Show uses his Showbra Clutch to force the young man to say the words into Chavo’s mic. Yet another jobber comes down for a Last Man Standing match, and, well, I think you get the idea. Chavo brings a table into the ring and it’s chokeslam, ten count. Ahh, I’m kind of luke warm to these options. A ten count is the only thing that differentiates the first and third, so I think I’ll give my official endorsement to the “I Quit” match.

WWE tag team championship match: Primo & Carlito (champs) vs Hawkins & Ryder

It must be noted that Primo and Carlito are wearing matching shiny pants and look like complete dorks. Primo and Ryder start off, with Primo coming off the top with a crossbody for 2 and tagging out to Carlito for some double teamin’ that ends with Carlito hitting a legdrop. Colon takes a dump to the floor courtesy of Ryder and Hawkins kicks him around a bit for rolling him in and tagging in to kick off the face-in-peril portion of the match. Carlito reverses a tilt-a-whirl to a fancy neckbreaker and tags in Primo, who does the “house of fire” thing. Spinning back elbow! Clothesline! Primo runs into a boot, but hits a neckbreaker on the rebound. Ryder breaks up the count, causing Carlito to go after him and while them two brawl on the outside, Primo hits a missile dropkick for the win.

Just your standard tag team tussle. *1/2
Primo pinned Hawkins

Oh yeah, I rate matches now. Landsdell forced me to rate matches when we double teamed Impact last week, and I myself usually only read recaps that include match ratings, so since I’m going to be a hypocrite either way, I may as well just do it. So forget all the stuff I ever said about how I won’t rate matches and how it’s stupid and arbitrary. I probably could’ve made forgetting those statements easier by not bringing them up just now, but, ah…*shrug*

MVP is with Some Chick and talks about incentives, casinos, and “ballin”, whatever the hell that is.

MVP vs R-Truth

Oh, I’ve got a bad feeling about this. A guy I really like but who clearly is still in the WWE doghouse against a guy I don’t really like at all who is clearly on his way up.

A struggle leads to a hip toss from Ron but Montel manages to flip him out onto the apron and stuns him backwards on the top rope. MVP rolls him back in for 2 and slaps on a chinlock. Truth powers up but gets slammed down hard to the mat. MVP sends him to the ropes and Truth hits the 360 forearm for 1. MVP gets sent to the ropes and hits a neckbreaker on the rebound but misses the drive by kick. Truth headbutts him in the breadbasket and hits the scissors kick for the win.

Ugh. Practically a squash for Mr. What’s Up. *
Truth pinned MVP

Big Show is lending a sympathetic ear to Vickie in her office when Kung Fu Naki busts in to strike a pose and say his name. He gets the boot, and Maryse comes in next with her french maid outfit and snotty french attitude to question why she has to compete in a Diva’s Las Vegas match. Vickie explains the obvious, that she is a Diva and we’re in Las Vegas. Maryse, seemingly satisfied with the explanation, takes off but now The Great Khali and Ranjin are here. Vickie says that he’ll be facing the Undertaker tonight, which Khali takes exception to and then he and Show do the big staredown thing. You know, if I was Vickie, I’d probably just un-reinstate the Undertaker, but whatever.

Wize gizet a prizomo fizor Kizarny.

THE Brian Kendrick and Zeke, who is looking very Bad News Brown tonight, come out to be awesome. THE Brian has come down with a little sickness, so Zeke will be taking his place in his match tonight.

Zeke w/THE Brian Kendrick vs Super Crazy

Zeke drops Crazy and drops the elbow before picking him up for a big release uranage for the win. Kendrick runs in and hits the Kendrick after.
Uh, so what do total squashes get? DUD, or N/R I guess. Actually, I’ll give this 1/2 a * just for Brian’s jacket, which was amazing.
Zeke pinned Crazy

HHH is with some chick, and we take a look at what transpired in the closing moments of last week’s show. For those with short memories, it was Kozlov beating the Game’s ass, Jeff running down for the save and then hitting the H’s with the appropriately named Twist of Fate. HHH runs down his Cyber Sunday opponent options and talks about how great he is.

The Undertaker vs The Great Khali w/Ranjin Singh

Lock up to start, which Khali gets the better of and he shoves Taker down. Khali grabs a headlock and lands a clubbing blow but misses a second one, allowing Taker to get crazy with the punching. Taker stops to scare off the ref and gets tossed into the corner for some kicks to the gut. The two duke it out, going blow for blow until Khali levels him with a clothesline. Bodyslam! Leg Drop! 2! Khali slaps on the dreaded nerve hold (dreaded by opponents and work rate freaks alike) and Taker eventually elbows his way out of it, but the Dead Man comes off the ropes and runs right into the brain Chop. Khali Vice! Taker fights out of it and takes Khali down with his flying clothesline, prompting Big Show to run in for the DQ and a chokeslam. Show grabs a chair and instructs Khali to level Taker with it. Khali is nobody’s bitch, so he slaps the chair out of Show’s hand and takes off. Taker sits up and whacks Show right out of the ring with the chair.

Short and crappy, which may not have surprised most of those reading this, but I’ve been mightily entertained by a few of the previous encounters between these two so I was hoping for a little more. Not terrible, but absolutely nothing noteworthy beyond Khali sowing them face seeds. *1/2
Taker beat Khali via DQ

Hey, next week we’ll be getting Triple H vs the Undertaker. Cool!

Divas Las Vegas match: Victoria vs Brie Bella vs Natalya vs Maria vs Maryse

So it’s fuzzy dice on a pole rules, and no, that’s not some crude euphemism for cock and balls. There really is fuzzy dice at the top of a pole and whoever grabs ’em first gets a crack at the Diva’s championship.

Everybody starts shoving and Victoria is the first to go for the dice. She gets yanked down and soon everybody is on the outside, leaving Maryse alone to go for the dice. Brie and Victoria get in the way, but the dust settles and Maryse once again is in position to retrieve the dice. Brie comes over for an electric chair drop but Maryse beats her down and tosses her to the post before going up again. Maria pulls her down though, and grabs the dice.

Well that was just awful. They should of copied the formula from the last “bullshit” on a pole match, which seems like a classic in comparison. This was pretty much just Maryse struggling to get the dice while most everybody else lazed around on the outside. DUD
Maria won

Ryan Braddock & Kenny Dykstra vs Jesse & Festus

The bell rings and Festus tosses Jesse into Kenny, knocking him out of the ring, before turning his retarded attention to Ryan. Festus unleashes some retarded offense and tags in Jesse, who sends Ryan to the ropes for a shoulderblock. Jesse grabs a headlock but Ryan back duplexes his way out of it and tags in Kenny for some face-in-peril action. Jesse eventually gets the hot tag, allowing Festusmania to run wild. Big retarded splash! Braddock interrupts the count and takes out Jesse but Festus hits the retarded flapjack for the win anyway.

Unless you’re very new to this whole wrestling thing, you’ve probably seen this match at least a thousand times before. I know I have. Hell, I think I saw it at the top of the show tonight. *
Festus pinned Kenny

Wize gizet anizother pizackage fizor Kizarny. He likes candy and amusement park rides. Hey, me too!

Maria and Michelle McCool chat about their upcoming match. Jesse and Festus show up so he can give her a flower and stare at her like a big, creepy mongoloid.

Triple H is here to provide commentary for our main event.

Jeff Hardy vs Vladimir Kozlov

Jeff charges but runs right into Kozlov’s waiting boot. Vlad powers him over to the corner for some shoulders to the gut but Jeff manages to kick him in the face and get in some punches. He charges again and this time runs into a shoulderblock. Vlad picks him up and slams him onto the top turnbuckle and starts headbutting his ribs. Running powerslam! 2! Kozlov picks him up and repeatedly tosses him dart style into the post. Commercials! Wait, commercials? With only 6 minutes of show left? Okay, you’re the boss.

Back from, with Kozlov still very much in control with an armlock. Jeff eventually manages to fight out of it, but Kozlov hooks his arms and headbutts his chest before slamming him down with a belly-to-belly. Jeff wriggles out of a powerslam and goes for the Twist of Fate but Koz shoves it off. Jeff comes at him with some flying forearms, which do nothing, and flies off the top with a Whisper in the Wind, which knocks Vlad down. Jeff goes up again and hits a corkscrew something or other. Vlad ducks a third top rope assault, Jeff comes off the ropes and Koz hits the headbutt for the win.

Well that was certainly decisive. **
Kozlov pinned Hardy

Hunter comes in after for the tough guy staredown and that’s our show.

The Dope:

Well, gosh, I really don’t mean to be a negative Nancy but this show just flat out sucked. Everything was either a squash or really boring and there wasn’t any great story advancement or entertaining bits to make up for it. The one saving grace is that if you’re going to continue to build up your undefeated Russian and really want to cement him as the monster du jour, you couldn’t really do a better job than what we saw in the main event tonight. Oh, and at least there was some Kendrick. But a well used final ten minutes is just not enough to save an abysmal first hundred and ten. I still feel pretty good about Smackdown as a whole right now, and I’m looking forward to next week’s show, but this was the worst episode I’ve seen in quite some time. 1

4= Danny Bonaduce
3= Frank Stallone
2= Todd Bridges
1= Tiffany

Boy, that legend would sure be confusing if there weren’t numbers, eh?

C U Next Time