The Furious Flashbacks – Urban Wrestling Federation: Hood Justice

The Furious Flashbacks – Urban Wrestling Federation: Hood Justice

I will literally review anything…

Some asshole put this on the internet so I’m reviewing it. Its basically making wrestling a hood war between various ‘gang members’ from different cities. I expect mass amounts of swearing, garbage and Ebonics. Some of the better known participants are Homicide, Eddie Kingston and Ricky Reyes. The opening clips from the previous show include one of the workers (Ruckus, I think) shooting a gun at a car full of fleeing wrestlers.

BACKSTAGE Three guys mutter promos at each other.

To give you an idea of how hard this is going to be to follow; Julius Smokes is one of the commentators. I’ve never been able to understand a word he says so we’re boned.

PROMO TIME Cuban Link come out to abuse…someone. Slyck Wagner Brown comes out, listening to his iPod and therefore unable to hear the insults.

Ricky Reyes v Slyck Wagner Brown

Immediately I dislike the promotion because you’ve got two guys who think they’re great but aren’t. Reyes can at least kick ass but he works like a superhero babyface instead. Brown meanwhile has a major size advantage but tries to wrestle like a luchadore. Smokes yells something about a “chocolate warrior”. Literally everything he says sounds like he’s cutting a promo on the guy he’s sat next to. Is he like that all the time? That’d get annoying. Reyes is the one who realises he’s working stupidly first and starts going after flash pins and lucha stuff. That way he can turn Slyck’s stupidity back on itself. Slyck, having woken up, starts popping off power moves. And all is right with the world. Or it would be if they hadn’t fucked up the first 5 minutes of the match. I’m reminded the only rule in UWF is the rope break. So guns are ok, as long as the other dude doesn’t grab the rope? That’s…interesting. Slyck is so stupid he’s able to leave himself WIIIIIIIIIDE open, Reyes kicks him in the face and finishes with the Cuban Crossface. Well, that’s certainly a gangsta hold. *. Got less silly as it progressed. If only they’d started out that way. Has the dubious honour, at *, of being MOTN.

BACKSTAGE two of the guys from earlier continue the muttering and swearing. Scorpio Sky, now a “movie star”, heads into the locker rooms to chat it up with the boys. The muttering continues. I’m catching maybe one word in ten here. Usually “fuck”. And there was me thinking wrestling was a universal language. I guess the in-ring is…the promos? Not so much. Various conversations around the backstage area keep on and on and on and as I can’t understand any of them its impossible to tell what’s going on. I’m begging them to put some actual wrestling on the show. Hell, if it wasn’t for Eddie Kingston I wouldn’t have understood anyone at all. But quite why there needs to be 14 promos between matches is anyone’s guess. I’m not even sure they were talking about wrestling.

Willie Mack v Famous B v Jeez v Bandito Jr

Willie Mack’s valet has a fabulous ass. Jeez looks like a sleazy midget version of Homicide. Mack & B are in the same stable or gang or whatever. There’s no tagging or anything so this is just a bunch of vaguely connected spots. Scorpio Sky strolls out here to kick Willie Mack in the face and it looks like he’s wrestling too? I know the company has no rules but come on! You can’t just add people to matches. What is this, ECW? Bandito, Jeez and Famous B are just spot monkeys so its high spot central. Which is fine if you like your matches as just a bunch of spots cobbled together into a ‘match’. At least Sky makes some of the spots innovative and he’s stiffer and more entertaining. If you miss those bullshit WCW matches where everyone hits dives one after another then this bullshit match is for you! Its this kind of match that exposes the business on practically every spot. Famous B just stands around while Jeez sets up his dive then no sells a head drop only to lie around for ages off a nothing spot that follows it. Jeez and Famous B go on another business exposing sequence where B jumps into a DDT and then stands around waiting to get hit with another spot. Jeez wins, match sucks ass AND balls. -***.

BACKSTAGE A guy wearing a chain has money issues. Well, then sell the chain. What follows is everyone complaining to everyone else about money. Please, nobody is doing anything so there is no money. Go and earn some instead of sitting around complaining that there’s no money. This could be the first company since ECW to actually benefit from New Jack turning up and killing everyone.

PROMO TIME Rasche Brown, wearing a girl’s vest, comes out to bitch out Beast Ortiz for talking to one of his ladies (possibly the owner of that lovely vest). Beast’s response is to suggest she needs to trim her body hair. Them’s fighting words.

Rasche Brown v Beast Ortiz

Beast is a muscular dude with tattoos while Brown is a flabbier bald guy. Ortiz wins for me because he knows suplexes (sort of) and he looks like a wrestler. But they both look awkward as hell. Oh, Ortiz used to be in the WWE as Ricky Ortiz. I never actually saw him but you can see why they canned him. Ortiz attempts to suplex Rasche into the crowd (from the ring, no less), which is obviously stupid and won’t happen so its countered. That about sums up this match. They try things so ludicrous that its inevitably going to end up as the predictable opposite. Rasche finishes with a big spear out of nowhere, which was the only good looking move in the whole match. ½*. Ortiz has some potential. Rasche looks pretty rough.

BACKSTAGE Homicide talks about skull murdering someone. Three other guys from Florida cut a promo under a bridge, which means all you can hear is cars going overhead. Back to Homicide who cuts a promo about how much he loves New York and in my favourite line of the night says “I got HOUSEs”. Emphasis on HOUSE. We also get comments from a drunk Eddie Kingston who just doesn’t give a shit. He implies he’ll take out Homicide before he makes it to the title match next time out.

The 411: Don’t waste your time kids. Even ignoring the lousy and extremely long backstage antics the wrestling just doesn’t make the grade. Unless you really want to hear a load of swearing during your wrestling shows this isn’t for you. Even so I’d recommend old ECW tapes over this. Shane Douglas, New Jack and Rhino promos at least had some purpose around the vulgarity.
Final Score:  2.0   [ Very Bad ]