The Name on the Marquee: The Hulkster

Quick non-wrestling related note before we start…If you watched “Duel” on ABC this past Friday, you saw Gabriel, the unemployed guy, defeat Jennifer the executive assistant to win $500,000. What you may not have realized at the time is that Jennifer is my roommate. Not only that, but writing recaps for websites is contagious in this apartment. Check out her recaps of the finest in primetime television at Fancast.com

Anyway, onto the business at hand…When I told a few friends that I was planning to review a Coliseum Video release about Hulk Hogan, it was met with…well…befuddlement.

-“You’re reviewing a Hulk Hogan comp tape? Here, hell, I’ll write the match recaps for you: Hulk gets his ass kicked for ten minutes, then does three moves and wins the match. The End.” –Nate, personal friend and Ric Flair fan

-Yes, in the entire history of wrestling, there is perhaps nothing as formulaic as a Hulk Hogan match. But given the fact that the guy was the flag-bearer for the biggest boom pro wrestling had ever known, and given that he’s been able to market himself as a nostalgic figure based on that boom period, it was apparently a good formula, so why not take a look at this stuff?

-And FYI: As an internet wrestling tape reviewer, I’m obligated to make a remark about how I always hated Hulk Hogan…but I’m not going to. From the time I started watching until 1993 (when the Wrestlemania IX finish really soured me on the guy), I was a card-carrying Hulkamaniac. I don’t say that as a warning that I’m going to give five stars plus a handjob to every match in this review. I’m just saying that I won’t make remarks about how I held Hulk in contempt for his lack of work-rate or his move-set (apparently both hyphenated words, according to spell-check) for all these years because that’s not the case.

-Anyway, continuing with our examination of 1985, Vince McMahon’s Best Year Ever, we get one of the first Coliseum Video “best-of-one-guy” releases. This is a really obscure title, “The Hulkster,” sort of a precursor to the beloved “Hulkamania” series. Is it an undiscovered gem? Let’s see…

THE WWF COLLECTOR’S SERIES PRESENTS: THE HULKSTER
-Hosted by Vince McMahon, who starts by telling us that as of the time that this video release, Hulk has successfully defended the title 25 times. 250 would actually be more accurate given Hogan’s schedule at this point, but somehow 25 seems a little more believable. I mean, can you imagine Antonio Nogueira being introduced as having a UFC record of 250-4-1 and having it be a legit stat? After the intro, he’d take three steps forward, vomit, collapse, and die.

WORLD TITLE: HULK HOGAN vs. BRUTUS BEEFCAKE (w/Johnny Valiant)
-It’s 1985’s #1 ass-kicker vs. his #1 ass-kisser at the Philadelphia Spectrum. Your commentators are Dick Graham & Gorilla Monsoon. Joey Marella is the referee and isn’t wearing the required bow tie for some reason, which just ruins the entire match for me. I’ll try to get through this anyway. Hogan attacks early with an atomic drop and Brutus runs for cover. Back in the ring for a lock-up, and Beefcake wins that spot. He celebrates with a strut, which Hogan mocks. Dick Graham notes that “The fans aren’t leaving the Spectrum,” which is good because if you pay for a ticket and then leave before the main event, you’re pretty stupid. Hogan with fists (comically sold by Brutus) followed by an Irish whip and an elbow. Clothesline and an elbow for Hogan, and then some biting, just because he’s a role model and all. Side headlock by Hogan, but Beefcake finally gets some offense with a knee and clubbing forearms. Elbow on the back of the head by Beefcake. Brutus gets a “flying elbow,” as called by Gorilla, but it’s more accurately a falling axehandle done with finesse. Hogan suddenly gets pissed and rams Beefcake into the turnbuckles. Bodyslam and elbows by Hogan. Watching Hogan wrestle before he finally settled on a formula is funny. He hulks up really early and then Beefcake immediately kills his momentum with an elbow to the throat. Eye rakes and stomping from Brutus. Beefcake goes for a pin, but surprisingly, Hogan kicks out. Choking and a powerslam by Brutus, but Beefcake forgets to hook the leg and is immediately fined $10,000 by Gorilla. Beefcake goes for another pin, but this time Hogan hulks up at the proper time and goes hits the legdrop, but Johnny Valiant hops on the apron and Hulk goes after him. Beefcake knees him in the back and goes for a pin, but Hogan slides his leg under the rope. The referee sees this but Brutus doesn’t, so Johnny grabs the title belt and a premature celebration is underway, but Hogan sneaks up with a roll-up for the pin. All punching and kicking. 0 for 1.

-We see the finish of the Backlund/Sheik title change from December 1983, and Vince chastises Backlund over the footage for “letting his pride get in the way.”

WORLD TITLE: IRON SHEIK (with Ayatollah Blassie) vs. HULK HOGAN
-From January 1984, and this match probably should have been first. We’re at MSG with Gorilla & Pat Patterson on commentary. This is the match that was shown in the opening titles for WWF Championship Wrestling, and the actual match runs slightly longer. Good lord, Hogan is over here, and he only returned to TV three weeks earlier. So basically, the WWF fanbase’s reaction was, “Oh, he’s back…Yeah, go ahead and put the title on him, we’re ready for it.” Hogan attacks from behind to guarantee that he’ll at least walk away with the sportsmanship trophy. He chokes Sheik with Sheik’s own entrance robe. He punches away and follows with a clothesline and a kneedrop. He follows with an eyerake and a choke, to quell the rumors that he was actually Bob Backlund in an elaborate costume. He spits on the Sheik and then boots him in the face. Pin attempt only gets two and Gorilla is RIGHT THERE to point out that he forgot to hook the leg. Hogan whiffs on an axe bomber and follows it with an elbow. Hogan charges to the corner, but Sheik finally moves out of the way and takes advantage with stomps as the crowd chants “USA!” Backbreaker, but Hogan kicks out with authority. I cannot say enough about the crowd reaction; we have lightning in a bottle here. Sheik does his sinister boot-loading and kicks him, then goes for a Boston crab, but Hogan escapes from it by doing a push-up. Sheik recovers immediately and hits a gutwrench suplex for 2. Sheik finally decides to go for what’s always worked for him and gets the camel clutch. Pat & Gorilla immediately note that nobody has ever escaped from the camel clutch before, and you’ll never believe it…Hogan stands up and piggybacks/rams Sheik into the corner to break the hold, follows it with the legdrop, and the course of history is irrevocably altered. 1 for 2, because, whatever you think of Hulk, it’s hard not to give this a point. Best worker in the match: the fans. If I were Hulk I would have mailed an audio-recording of this to Verne Gagne and drawn a little middle finger on the label.

-Post-match, Andre the Giant douses Hogan with champagne, and the rest of the faces run in the locker room to congratulate him. “Uh, I guess that’s that,” said Bob Backlund’s fans. Hulk’s parents, Pete & Ruth “Hogan,” talk to Mean Gene. Peter is stiff but Ruth cuts a decent promo to establish where the charisma gene came from.

WORLD TITLE: HULK HOGAN vs. IRON SHEIK
-Rematch from the Spectrum, joined in progress with Hogan writhing on the mat. Sheik rams his face into the infamous boot and clubs away at him. Integrity preservation takes us to Sheik taunting a bloody Hogan and attempting a suplex, but it’s reversed expertly by Hogan, or as Dick Graham explains it, “Wooooooooo.” Hogan hulks up and punches away. Graham explains this strategy on Hogan’s part by saying, “Woooooooo.” Bodyslam by Hogan, followed by a legdrop, but since he’s pissed off, he forgoes the pin in favor of unlacing Sheik’s boot. He yanks it off and “loads it,” prompting Dick Graham to declare, “Woooooooo.” WOW, this guy sucks. Hogan smacks Sheik so hard it knocks him out of the ring and we integrity preserve all the way to post-match antics; in this case, beating Sheik senseless with the boot. Match is declared a double-countout. 1 for 3 for what was shown, and to be honest, I’m disappointed we didn’t see more of this. There was a tape dealer on the internet named John McAdam who vanished into thin air a few years back, but I recall him noting that Sheik and Hogan had some shockingly good bouts during 1984. I’d actually be interested to find out.

WORLD TITLE, STEEL CAGE: HULK HOGAN vs. MAGNIFICENT MURACO
-From MSG, with Gorilla & Mean Gene Okerlund on commentary. This was Hogan’s first feud post-Wrestlemania and since Muraco’s a top-level heel, he was one of the lucky folks who got to go around the horn twice with Hogan. If you were a mid-level guy, you’d get built up on TV and then fed to Hogan at house shows for a few weeks and never come close to him again. If you were really good, though, the formula was that you’d go city-to-city and get a screwjob victory over Hogan, and THEN get fed to him in a stipulation match on the next tour. In this case, Mister Fuji’s interference helped Muraco land a count-out victory over Hogan, and now they’ll settle things in a cage.

Hogan taunts him with the belt, and Muraco grabs it and tries to attack, but Hogan ducks and fires away, and Muraco ducks and runs to another corner of the cage of re-think things. Knee to the stomach from Muraco but Hogan stops him from ramming him into the cage. They circle the ring and Hogan kicks him in the stomach, and this time, Muraco blocks the ram into the cage. Hogan tries again but Muraco goes low and stomps away. Knee to the face and Muraco follows up with chopping and kicking. Hogan hulks up with chops, a clothesline, and an elbow. Hogan bites him, and follows with a headbutt. Hogan appears to be going for a running powerslam but just rams him into the cage instead and Muraco blades, and Mean Gene declares that he’s “hemmoraging.” Okay, Gene. Hogan does it again, but “Mass Transit” Don Muraco comes back and rams Hogan into the cage. Mean Gene is especially worried, he notes, because the steel used to build the cage is “ungalvanized.” There’s a reason Vince took him completely off commentary after a while, there really is. Muraco attempts to climb out but Hogan rams him into the metal joint in the corner a la a turnbuckle spot. Integrity preservation takes us to a bloody Hogan getting punched away, but Hogan dodges a charge and Muraco’s head gets tangled in the ropes. Hogan tries to walk out of the cage and that actually would have been a pretty cool finish, but Muraco unties himself and blocks it. Hogan kicks him away and THEN walks out the door. The hell? 2 for 4.

That’s it for me this time around. As always, humor my other sick obsession at Game Show Utopia.

The 411: The good stuff is available on other releases anyway. Take a pass.
Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]