The SmarK Retro Repost – Superbrawl IX

– Okay, here’s the deal: Since my cynicism towards WCW has been stretched to the absolute limit by recent events, I am now giving WCW one last chance not to fuck it up. So I will judge this show solely by the one match that means anything: the Hogan-Flair match. If Flair wins, the show is a thumbs up and I drop the hot poker system forever. If Hogan wins, then it’s an automatic thumbs down and I shill shamelessly for the WWF for the next six months. The choice is yours, WCW. Don’t blow it.

– Live from Oakland, California.

– Your hosts are the Usual Idiots.

– Opening match: Disco InfernWo v. Booker T. Huge-ass “Disco Sucks” chant as they feel each other out. Disco gets the neckbreaker but Booker no-sells. What a hot crowd. Pretty slow match with the crowd giving mega-pops for EVERYTHING. Booker with the axe kick and sidewalk slam to set up Disco, but he won’t stay down. Chartbuster is blocked and Booker goes to the top again, hitting the Harlem Hangover for the pin. Really, really good little match. ***1/2

– Saturn v. Chris Jericho. Jericho has Ralphus and Scott Dickinson with him. Ralphus is wearing a dress again. And why is Chris wearing a dashiki? Chris lays the verbal smackdown on Saturn, prompting him to attack. They brawl into the crowd before heading back in to start the match. Saturn controls, catapulting Jericho out to the floor and then following with a pescado. He then makes the mistake of going after Ralphus, which is a mistake because the crowd LOVES Ralphus and gives Saturn major shit for attacking him. Ralphus heads back to the dressing room. Jericho pulls out a dropkick from the top to the floor that looked pretty nasty. The Idiots point out how impartial Scott Dickinson the Evil Referee is being tonight, thus guaranteeing a screwjob. Jericho tries…something…off the top rope that might have been a sky twister press in some alterate universe. Frog splash from Saturn but he stalls too long and Jericho gets a cradle for two. Saturn does the 10 punches under the dress, but Jericho reverses for the Liontamer, which Saturn escapes. Jericho with a flying bodypress, but Saturn catches him coming down and applies the World’s Worst Submission Hold. Jerico escapes and they trade Lionsaults for two. Saturn goes for the DVD, twice, and hits it on the second try. Saturn doesn’t pin him, though. He DVD’s Dickinson instead and walks off. That’s probably the worst possible ending. *** Still a good match.

– Cruiserweight title match: Kidman v. Chavo Guerrero Jr. Chavo’s doing pretty good with the heel heat thing. He needs to be a bigger dick, though. The match is going nowhere fast as Chavo throws some high spots in between resting. What a mind-blowing tope con hilo, though. Chavo breaks out the Ohtani face-scraping. Hey, all he needs to do is start kicking people right in the face like Koji Kanemoto and he’ll have my personal faves covered. Crowd is dead because the match is nothing special. Chavo with a DDT from the top for two. Ouch. Then Chavo makes the pivotal error of trying to powerbomb Kidman, and you can guess what happens from there. Kidman retains in a sucky match. They both need someone to carry them. **

– Goldberg/Bam Bam promo.

– World tag team title finals, match #1: Barry Windham & Curt Hennig v. Dean Malenko and that other guy. If Dean and GOD~! win the first match, then they get a 30 second rest period and they do it again. Oh my god, Windham took his vest off. This must be serious. Benoit and Hennig start, which is a Good Thing. Benoit teases us with a straightjacket suplex, but Hennig escapes. Tony specifically notes that Benoit HAS NOT BEEN A CHAMPION BEFORE, so the TV title thing DOESN’T COUNT. So stop e-mailing me and whining about it. The FAQ stands as is. Malenko gets caught in the corner and takes some weak punishment before tagging Benoit back in to wake up the crowd. Benoit cleans house. He’s FEELING IT TONIGHT, BABEEEEE. Swandive headbutt on Hennig, but Windham makes the save. That’s some terrible refereeing from Mickey Jay. Low blow on Malenko turns it around. Malenko is rolling around holding his nuts and Tony asks “Did we miss a low blow there?” No, Tony, it’s just kidney stones. Windham is wearing a knee brace under his jeans so big he’s almost the Bionic Man. This match is falling apart at the seems and the crowd is getting restless. Windham gets the superplex but Malenko saves. This match is getting an awful lot of time. Benoit is getting beat on and Malenko keeps making the save. He finally gets the hot tag and the pier-six erupts with Malenko getting the Cloverleaf, but Hennig makes the save. Another try and this time Windham taps.

– World tag team title match: Barry Windham & Curt Hennig v. Dean Malenko & Chris Benoit. Malenko tries the Cloverleaf again, but Windham pulls off his belt, chokes out Malenko, and then pins him. Oh, fuck you, WCW. Who is really retarded enough to think that Windham and Hennig are over enough to deserve the titles? What a crock of shit. **1/4 JUST GIVE BENOIT A GODDAMNED FUCKING TITLE ALREADY!

– Hair v. Mask: Kevin Nash & Scott Hall v. Rey Mysterio Jr. & Gonnad. Liz…hominahominahomina. Please let her wear that outfit on every TV show forever. Hall starts with Rey and Hall actually sells the high spots, believe it or not. Not for long, of course, but the thought was there. Nash comes in and does his two moves for the night. Hall toys with Rey some more and goes for the Edge, but Rey escapes and tags in Gonnad. Nash actually takes a bump, wow. Gonnad’s offense doesn’t last long, because it’s the Outsiders, and making other people look good isn’t KEWL enough for the Wolfpac. Rey gets the hot tag and the Outsiders actually sell again, including a broncobuster on Hall. Luger pulls out Gonnad, leaving Mysterio to the wolves. Liz distracts the ref long enough for Hall to hit the Edge on Rey and put Nash on top for the pin. Hall is wearing his Razor pad again. Gonnad unmasks Rey. Nash tells him to put it back on. This was about *1/2

– World TV title match: Scott Steroid v. DDP. No Buff tonight. Steiner grabs a plant from the audience, who gives us a nice panty shot as she gets into the ring with Scott. Brawl to start. DDP takes a couple of nice bump to make Scott look better than his usual. DDP beats him out of the ring, and that brings Buff out to offer advice. Buff and Scott double-team DDP, giving Scott the advantage. He proceeds to use nothing but cheap heel tactics (choking, choking and choking) and the occasional interference from Buff. And that’s the whole match. Buff, who is carrying this match, gives Scott a chair to use, then cutting off the turnbuckles in one corner, prompting Charles “Bumpmaster” Robinson to toss Bagwell. This is a truly horrible match. Scott hits the only move he can anymore — the top rope Frankensteiner — for two. DDT from DDP gets two. Diamond Cutter is blocked and Scott rams DDP to the exposed turnbuckle, then drives him back-first to the turnbuckles. Geez, and DDP was finally getting over those broken ribs, too. Steiner applies the SHITTY REVERSE CHINLOCK OF DEATH until DDP passes out. Steiner is truly one of the most useless lumps in wrestling. He did NOTHING. -*

– Why are the paramedics putting a neck brace on him? Steiner was hitting him in the back.

– Bam Bam and Madden debate who’s fatter.

– US title match: Roddy Piper v. Scott Hall. Is there ANYONE in the audience, home or live, who DOESN’T know that Hall is winning here? Nice sign: “Jericho, make the Wight choice”. The Disco InfernWo is on the outside, of course. Hey, Piper, here’s a hint: It’s 1999, so either get some new offense or retire already. Between Piper’s ridiculously outdated offense and Hall’s comical selling, we have an early candidate for Worst Match of the Year. For THIS we lost Bret v. Benoit? Hey, a wrestling move would be nice at some point. We do slugfests, low blows, eye pokes and stalling, but nothing even vaguely resembling a match. This show is getting painful to watch. Hall with the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM just to piss me off. Crowd is comatose. I mean, it’s just dead silence. Piper gets the sleeper. No one cares. Disco comes in and Piper beats him up. Nash comes in and Piper beats him up, but that allows Hall to pin Piper with his feet on the ropes. THANK GOD IT’S OVER! How sad is it that it took 3 men to beat a cripple? -****, and I doubt we’ll see a worse match this year.

– A sort of fight over the belt ensues, and as a result the Outsiders try to punk Piper, but he runs away.

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Goldberg. Now THAT woke the crowd up. Yup, I’d say Goldberg’s still over. He does a fireman’s carry into a WEAK-ASS armbreaker. It looked like Bigelow was giving him a handjob. Bigelow gets the upper hand outside the ring and jaws with the fans. He works on the knee. You know, I was really hoping for a nice 30 second squash to re-establish Goldberg as the premiere bad-ass, but I guess that would’ve made too much sense. More working on the knee. And a chinlock. What happened to the “best big man in the business” and all that shit? Bigelow goes for the moonsault, but gets shoved off and Goldberg goes for the spear. Bigelow moves, but Goldberg hits it on the second try. He picks him up, then superkicks and spears him again, the jackhammers him for the pin. Congratulations, Bill, you’re officially a two-move wrestler now. *

– WCW World title match: The Orange Goblin v. Ric Flair. Okay, this is for all the marbles: Flair wins the title and I drop the hot pokers forever, Hogan retains the title by any means and I shill for the WWF for six months. Flair doesn’t seem terribly motivated tonight. Flair isn’t getting any offense to speak of here, and Hogan busts him open with a chairshot outside the ring. Hogan is just squashing Flair here. Flair is doing all his trademark bumps and Hogan is doing nothing in return. Flair is bleeding a gusher. If this is all Flair can do, it’s time to retire. Hogan starts beating on Flair with the belt, catching Flair right in the face a couple of times. Flair has done nothing but chops and kicks. A low blow turns the tide for Flair and of course Hogan gets whipped with his own belt. Hogan blades on camera. Now here comes the BIMBO OF DOOM from the vignettes out to ringside. She smacks Flair a couple of times. More chops from Flair. Finally, Flair uses the first wrestling move of the match, a vertical suplex. It gets two, and Hogan kicks Flair off and bumps Charles Robinson. Hogan drops an elbow on Charles for good measure. Big boot, but the legdrop misses, and David Flair comes out in a ski mask. It’s SO obvious that it’s him, even the crowd knows it. And yes, he stuns his father with the tazer and Hogan pins him to end off a shitty night. DUD Hey, welcome back to 1996 as jobbers and the most unlikely of suspects join the nWo for no reason.

The Bottom Line: The most intensely frustrating show I’ve ever seen, as WCW proceeded to do everything completely opposite from what the fans have been screaming for, for months now. So that’s the payoff we get for the 15 minute Flair beating? Flair gets beat again? The Outsiders win again? Benoit loses again? DDP loses, too? Scott Hall wins twice in the same night?

Who exactly are they supposed to be appealing to with this show? How does this make me excited to see the next show? Why should I even care anymore now that the heels have decisively crushed all their opposition? And now I bet WCW will parade all the payoffs out on Nitro and try fruitlessly to beat the WWF. Well, fuck you. I’m sick of this bullshit. At least the WWF knows enough to LISTEN TO IT’S FANS and give the face the win in the blowoff match. I hope the WWF puts out two hours of stupid skits and bad wrestling and kicks WCW’s ass by THREE points tomorrow nights, because any company so retarded to think that anyone could like this show deserves to lose. I was so willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, too, with the WWF’s recent swing to “sports entertainment”. But the WWF is at least making strides to get better, while Eric “haven’t had an original idea since 1996” Bischoff keeps trotting the same damn storylines and stale ideas (Gee, someone unexpected joins the nWo…what are the odds?) in hopes of recreating his one ratings streak. But I figured, hey, WCW seems to be trying to accentuate their wrestling side, and I figured they’d take a big step in that direction tonight, showcasing Benoit and keeping the nWo circle-jerking to a minimum. Guess I was wrong.

Thumbs down, and WCW blew their chance to earn a new fan.