411’s TNA Impact Report 8.27.09

Hey yo. You know who I am. You know what this is. Let’s do this!

Sting and AJ arrive together. I love how Sting is still driving the same car. AJ says he’s here to work, Kip James appears and asks Sting if he can park the car. Sting brushes him off so he says to Lauren he used to have one of those cars when he was over.

Daniels is at the commentary desk for our opener.

Non-Title Match: Samoa Joe © vs. Suicide

Joe stares at Daniels as he walks past the announce table.

Suicide charges at the bell…right into a boot. A flurry of punches by Joe, a whip and a flying asshole. Suicide tries to fight back with a series of rights, then hits a dropkick sending Joe into the turnbuckles. Cutter into the second rope turnbuckle by Suicide and the Pope is down the ramp for a look. “Pope is pimpin’!” – Orlando. Suicide gets thrown to the floor and immediately Dinero tries to throw him back in, Suicide takes exception and attacks him, and now Joe is joining in. Here comes Daniels! DONNYBROOK! Hebner calls the match off and makes a tag match for later! Wait, refs can make matches now too?

Winner: Nobody via clusterfuck

Eric Young is with Lauren and they talk about Hernandez. Young says Hernandez is just like him, a second class citizen, and tonight he will open Hernandez’ eyes.

Back from break and the World Elite are out. Young invites the Sheik to address people. Just for a change the crowd are chanting “U-S-A”. He wants to talk about the war in Iraq. I want to talk about freshness. He cut the promo very well and it did what it needed to do, but I prefer to keep my wrestling and politics separate. EY gets the mic and wants to talk about someone who is handcuffed by his corrupt morals, namely Hernandez. Speak of the Devil, the Tijuana whorehouse music hits (at least that’s what Csonka called it, and he would know) and Hernandez wants EY to say whatever he has to say “en mi cara”, which I believe means “through your broken jaw”. Young tries to recruit Hernandez by saying the fans will view him as a common criminal and not a proud Mexican. EY wants him to come home and be 1337. Hernandez says he is home. The fans are his family, and this is their country. Typical anti-foreigner stuff.

Lauren is with Team Talent, Sharmell and Traci. Sharmell says they are not sweating Kong and Saeed. Maybe you should there chickies. Sharmell says gangsta run through their veins. Oh good, in a few minutes we’ll get to see it…LYING ON THE CANVAS.

We’re back and Alex has a camera zoomed in on Lauren’s cleavage while she tries to pimp the Knockouts tag tournament. Sabin tries to apologize for him but he’s staring too. Hey it’s Dr Stevie! He tries to recruit them to put Abyss out of commission and they reckon they can give it a shot.

Knockouts Tag Team Tournament Bout: Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed vs. Traci Brooks and Sharmell

Ladies and Gentlemen! At this time I would like to remind you, as per my contractual obligations, that Kong kills bitches dead.

Kong tries to clothesline Traci a few times but Traci avoids her and bails. Awww the MEM girls have matching sequined boob tubes. Traci’s is bigger though. Saeed is in and pushes down Sharmell who tags out, then gets a whip, running forearm in the corner, scoop slam and elbow drop for 2. Quick. Suplex by Saeed gets 2 more. Traci reverses a whip, Sharmell grabs at Saeed and Traci uses the distraction to level her. Traci with a running double knee to the back of Saeed gets a 2, but Traci’s follow-up is blocked as Saeed icks her off and tags Kong! Clothesline! Clothesline! Avalanche! Implant buster…no, Traci escapes but gets leveld anyway. KONG TO THE SECOND ROPE! SPLASH CONNECTS!! 1…2…Sharmell breaks it up! Kong starts to chase Sharmell but Saeed tags herself in to get the cover! 3 count! They’re gonna need a spatula to remove Traci. She’s down to a C cup. Kong looks a bit pissed that Saeed took the pin.

Winners: Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed via pinfall (Saeed on Traci, Kong Splash)
Rating: **¼ Yeah this was fun. Sharmell was out of the ring enough that the quality didn’t suffer and the right team won, while still sowing seeds of discontent.

Backstage we see Morgan going to the MEM dressing room. Angle says he’s been in the business almost a decade, while Morgan has only been there 7 years. Ummm that’s 2 years difference. Big deal. Morgan talks about Dixie Carter making a 4-way match for the PPV, and Morgan inserting himself in it, He keeps calling Kurt little buddy, which is great.

Jesse Neal vs. Rhino

So we have the War Machine against the war veteran. Neal tries to shake hands and gets kicked and beaten like someone in Abu Ghraib. More boots in the corner. A whip by Rhino, kick to the gut and then to the head. 2 count only. Neal tries to come back but his whip is turned into a spinebuster for the 3.

Winner: Rhino via pin…GORE! GORE! GORE! The ref reverses the decision!

Winner: Jesse Neal via Disqualification (excessive noob-killing)
Rating: * Not much to see here, it’s just a way to further show Jesse’s will to succeed.

ODB and Deaner are in Foley’s office to discuss the Knockouts title in front of Juddge Foley. That has to wait though because Abyss is here. Foley has another gift for him. “Is it another flannel?” “No it’s a bag of groceries.” “Oh” “You love groceries, remember?” That’s either sad or brilliant. ODB makes her case: She’s a woman. Deaner isn’t. Well point A is up for discussion. They should have ODB be announced from South Africa and get her to train for the 800 metres. Did you know Caster Semenya is an anagram of “Yes, a secret man?” Deaner reckons he should be the champ because of what’s under the veil. And that is…a picture of Mike Tyson? Apparently Deaner knocked him out. Foley thinks that’s inconceivable. Next picture…CHUCK NORRIS! Deaner KO’d him too! Foley cracks a Chuck Norris joke and then says they can sort it out…IN A MATCH.

Abyss vs. The Motor City Machineguns

So umm…why does Abyss accept these matches? The Guns jump him first and drop him with a series of double team kicks, but then make the mistake of trying to suplex him. Abyss takes them both over, hits a side suplex on Shelle then chokeslams Sabin onto him. He hits an avalanche on Sabin and tries one on Shelley, who moves. Dropkick-enziguiri combo by the Guns! Sabin hits a dropkick off the back of Shelley, sending him to the floor. Sabin comes charging and goes for the springboard crossbody…caught! Sabin hits a tope to the floor and all 3 men are down! They roll Abyss in and Shelley tries a top-rope crossbody with the same result…a catch. Springboard missile dropkick by Sabin and they get a 2 count. Double kick to the gut, Sliced Bread is blocked and Abyss has Shelley up for Shock Treatment! Sabin tries to break it up but runs into a boot! Abyss drops a leg on Sabin while hitting Shock Treatment on Shelley! Her comes Dr Stevie as Shelley distracts the ref, GOOZLE! Sabin springboards INTO A BLACK HOLE SLAM! 1…2…3!

Winner: Abyss via pinfall (Black Hole Slam)
Rating: ** Nice, fun little match BUT why on earth would you take a team that is over despite never being on TV and put them in a no-win situation?

Post-match, Stevie wants to berate the Guns, so they hang him in the tree of woe and dropkick him. Abyss gets a chair and wants to get him some, but HERE COMES NASH! Commercial!

Nash has a problem with Abyss, and will take the bounty offer at No Surrender. That $50k might even pay for a new hip!

Lauren is with Daffney, who is about to fight the debuting Hamada. Daffney is fucking insane and I love it. “I count sheep every night, I just don’t let them jump the fence. I attack them! And then I drain their blood, and then I skin them, and I wear them to the supermarket!” That is made of win.

No DQ Match: Hamada vs. Daffney

Taz says Daffney is zombie hot. FREAK! Wait, they’re starting her in a no DQ match? Why? She has a look, I’ll give her that, which will be a big help. Somewhere Byers is drooling.

Daffney attacks at the bell and hits a snap mare followed by a seated blockbuster and a kick to the chest for a 2 count. Apparently Hamada asked for this to be no DQ. They exchange chops, Daffney wins by using a foreram so Hamada kicks her hard. Whip, Hamada drops her head but suffers no ill effects as Daffney tries to charge but gets lifted to the apron. Roundhouse to the head! Daffney is on the floor and Hamada follows as we go to break!

Back from break as Daffney hits a charging clothesline and hits an elbow drop from the second rope for 2. A whip and charge but Hamada hits a superkick followed by an enziguiri, A series of chops followed by a couple of headbutts and a big DDT gets 2. Daffney ducks a spinkick…SHINING WIZARD by Daffney! 1…2…no! She throws Hamada to the floor and there’s a table set up. Daffney has a chair and swings for the fences but gets nothing but post. Hamada wraps the chair around Daffney’s head, then runs it into the post. Daffney is now on the table and she’s…she’s going up top!!! MOONSAULT THROUGH THE TABLE TO THE FLOOR! Back inside, Michinoku Driver! 1…2…3!

Winner: Hamada via pinfall (Hamada Driver)
Rating: ***½ This was a great match but there was no reason for the stip in kayfabe terms, which made it rather meaningless. However, what a great way to get Hamada over with the Impact Zone crowd, who need some pizazz to like anyone.

The Beautiful People walk! Commercial!

Back from break and DAT AZZ SQUARED have found Madison Rayne. They talk about her surprise partner and say they don’t care who it is. Rayne piefaces them which leads to her getting a beating. Silly really.

D’Angelo Dinero and Samoa Joe vs Daniels and Suicide

Joe and Suicide start. Joe with an ippon seio nage to start, he locks in a kimmura and tage the Pope who goes to work on the other arm before eating a stiff dropkick. Tag to Daniels, they double team Pope and hit a Poetry in Motion! Scoop slam and a split=leg moonsault by Daniels for 2. Pope reverses a whip and Joe knees him in the back, leading to an STO by Pope as we go to break.

Bacl from break, Joe hits a series of jabs but gets rocked with an enziguiri and dropped with an STO. Tag to Pope and to Suicide! Right hands and a back heel kick by Suicide followed by a botched bulldog turned into a neckbreaker for 2. Smooth Finlay roll gets 2 more before Joe breaks it. Daniels is in and it’s a mess. Joe nails Suicide with a clothesline and Pope kills Daniels with a German. The faces are on the floor, Joe charges for the tope but Daniels moves! Split-leg moonsault to the floor on Joe! Inside the ring Pope ducks under a Suicide crossbody and measures him for the Experience…Suicide moves! Inside cradle! 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Suicide and Daniels via pinfall (inside cradle)
Rating: **3/4 Worked pretty well, Dinero seems to have fit right in. It just felt fairly ordinary in terms of being a match. It did advance some stories though.

It’s time for Dixie! GOD DAMN she is yummy. They announce the new 3-year deal and let Bobby talk about why he’s here. They also announce Lashley vs Rhino for No Surrender.

Kurt Angle is out to provide commentary.

Sting, Hernandez and AJ Styles vs. Matt Morgan, Scott Steiner and Booker T

Sting and Booker will start. Booker looks for an opening for a kick but finds none, instead he finds an inverted atomic and a dropkick. Hip toss by Sting and AJ is in. Booker gains control with a back kick and tags in Steiner. Steiner goes to work bu AJ comes back with a dropkick and kneedrop before tagging Hernandez. Steiner tags in Morgan! Morgan invites Hernandez to try and take him down, and Hernandez fails. Morgan’s clothesline does not. Hernandez fights back with a knee and a delayed suplex… damn that’s impressive. Morgan bails and we have an MEM conference on the outside…INTERRUPTED BY A MEXICAN TORPEDO! Commercial!

We’re back and Steiner has a chinlock on Styles. Styles gets out but gets caught in a belly to belly for 2. Tag to Morgan who gets a headbutt and tries a powerslam but AJ rolls out the back and tags Hernandez! Slingshot shoulderblock by SuperMex! Clothesline! Clothesline! Spinebuster for Booker! Yes, he is a house! En! Fuego~! Morgan gets knocked down with a tackle but Steiner breaks up the pin, and now everyone is in the ring! Styles and Steiner go to the floor, as do Booker and Sting! Hernandez misses a charge on the inside, Morgan is setting for a Hellevator! Steiner is in with a chair and Morgan doesn’t trust him! Hernandez from behind pushes Morgan into Steiner’s chair! AJ with an uber-high springboard crossbody! 1…2…3!

Winners: AJ Styles, Sting and Hernandez via pinfall (sprinboard crossbody)
Rating: **3/4 Good, not great. AJ gets his win back and we continue the Morgan story, but I wasn’t really feeling the match.

Post-match, Morgan gets lectured by the MEM, but eventually realizes the Guns are drinking his beer in the back so he levels those two fools and stares at Angle as we go off air!