411’s TNA Impact Report 02.18.10

Hi, hello and welcome to 411’s TNA Impact Report! I’m Steve Cook, filling in for good ol’ JFM this week. You can catch him on the Smackdown beat tomorrow. You can catch me every Wednesday with News From Cook’s Corner. It’s the best Wednesday wrestling news column on this website, so you need to check it out.

Let’s get a preview for tonight’s show from TNAWrestling.com…

On Thursday night, TNA Wrestling returns to SpikeTV starting at 9/8c for two hours of Total Nonstop Action

The broadcast will feature the aftermath of the “Against All Odds” Pay-Per-View event, plus news on the upcoming “Destination X” Pay-Per-View

– On Sunday, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero made history by winning the 8 Card Stud Tournament and earning a shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Championship! Tune into “iMPACT!” to hear what The Pope has to say about his huge win at the Pay-Per-View

– “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles is still the TNA World Heavyweight Champion after beating Samoa Joe at “Against All Odds” – tune in Thursday night to hear from the champ along with “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Plus, how will AJ react to The Pope winning a shot at the gold?

– Plus, The Nasty Boys pulled off the win against Team 3D at the PPV thanks to the return of legendary manager Jimmy Hart! What’s next for the Nasty Boys and “The Mouth Of The South” in TNA? Find out Thursday!

– And what’s next in the new era of TNA Wrestling featuring Hulk Hogan?

All this and much more on Thursday’s huge “iMPACT!” broadcast as the road to the March 21 “Destination X” PPPV begins!

PPPV = Power Pay Per View. It’s much stronger than your usual PPV telecast.

Eric Bischoff exits his limo and talks on the phone with an unidentified person that previously worked in a cess pool. That could be anywhere in pro wrestling, right? “Let the games begin!”, Bischoff exults.

Against All Odds, there’s a video package about last Sunday’s show. Oh, and Impact’s moving to Mondays on March 8. You may have heard about it by now if you’re a regular 411 reader.

Opening Promo!

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, winner of the 8 Card Stud Tournament and #1 contender to the TNA title makes his way to the ring. Pope asks if they’re having a party tonight in Orlando. Pope is Pimpin, according to the fans and himself. Pope defied the odds, overcame every obstacle and he’s the number one contender. The only thing standing between him and the bling is AJ Styles & Ric Flair, who he refers to as “Dick Flair”. Ric is a dick! Is Shane Douglas writing his promos? Pope runs off some rhyming adjectives to describe himself, and says he’ll become the new world champion at Lockdown.

This brings out TNA World Champion AJ Styles, “Nature Boy” Ric Flair and some random broads. Flair asks Pope if he’s capable of reading and writing. Flair’s wearing Armani, and his name is Ric Flair. When Pope was 6 years old, he was praying that he could be just like Ric Flair. He was bling before there was bling. Flair’s been with AJ & his legion since last Sunday, and he’s exhausted. AJ is a piece of work, the greatest wrestling machine he’s ever seen. Custom made, limo riding, he’s the champion and that makes him the greatest athlete alive. Pope repeats that Ric is a dick. You can dress up a piece of crap, but at the end of the day he’s still a piece of crap. Flair insists they have a failure to communicate. Pope is a street thug that steals hubcaps, and AJ has more money invested in his suit than Pope’s parents have. AJ says he’s the champ and Pope’s a nothing that’s going nowhere. Pope says he’s on AJ like white on rice, and the Pope attacks! It becomes a two on one beat down with Styles & Flair beating down the Pope. Flair with a few low blows while the bell rings for no reason! Ah, so AJ has blond highlights now. Pope’s ankle gets Pillmanized by Flair, then AJ locks in the figure four leglock! The figure four continues as we go to commercial…

Moments ago, Pope was viciously attacked! Mike Tenay & Tazz are your hosts, and they talk about March 8 a little bit.

Non-title: Daffney vs. TNA Knockouts Champion Tara

The Zombie Hotness has returned to Impact! Tara’s from “the state of California”…she couldn’t have picked a city? Cali’s got a few…my e-fed character was from LA back in the day. Tara lands a few punches and hits the Spider Web for two. Daffney fights back but gets back dropped…Tara removes her shirt, but easy Sforcina, she’s got something on underneath. Tara gets hair mared a few times by Daffney. Daffney kicks Tara to the outside, rams her into the guardrail but Tara fights back…Daffney pulls out a toolbox from under the ring and whacks Tara with it!

Winner by Disqualification: Tara (*½)

Daffney drags Tara back to the announce area, throws a guardrail on top of her and whacks it a couple of times with a chair! Fortunately for Tara, Dr. Stevie comes out and takes crazy Daffney to the back. Tara’s out cold as we go to the back…

Mick Foley enters Bischoff’s office. Foley tries to apologize for what happened at Against All Odds, but Bischoff says that he did the best he could do. He’s decided that ol’ Mick needs a makeover, and considering his attire that’s probably not a bad idea. ATM Eric‘s gonna pay for it! Foley leaves, Eric gets back on the phone and tells somebody to get Abyss in his office.

Kevin Nash has arrived, and he looks perturbed!

Orlando Jordan vs. Samoa Joe

Orlando has a bimbo and a mimbo with him, and he’s rocking some sort of a robe. Looks like Spike TV didn’t want to air whatever went on during OJ’s entrance. Backstage, Bischoff dares Joe to impress him. OJ attacks, but Joe punches and kicks away at him. Elbow in the corner and a kick by Joe. OJ off the ropes, Joe with a leg lariat. That gets two. Joe seems distracted by something or other. OJ with a spine buster, a swinging neck breaker and some elbow drops. Knee drop to the chest of Joe gets one. CHINLOCK! Joe fights out, big clotheslines by Joe, baaaaaack body drop. Kick in the corner by Joe, he places OJ up top and chops away. The ref warns Joe, but Joe seems to be in a zone of some sort. He misses a punch, OJ swings Joe into a lungblower and gets the three count.

Yeah.

Winner: Orlando Jordan (*)

Backstage, Abyss asks Jeremy Borash what’s going on and he has no idea. After that last match, neither do I.

During the commercial, Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin speculate on who the mystery man facing them could be. Their guess is “Petey”.

Abyss is in Bischoff’s office! Eric has warned him about not using the bat against Foley on Sunday, and now he’s going to do what he said he would. Abyss points out he used thumbtacks. Bischoff wanted the bat, though. And now he wants Abyss’s mask. Foley is on a shopping spree, Hulk Hogan’s taking care of other business, and now Bischoff will take Abyss’s mask off. Every door in the building has security on it. Abyss runs off.

Eric Young tells Christy Hemme that Kevin Nash wants to talk to Scott Hall & Sean Waltman in the ring. So we are forgetting about Young’s association with the World Elite, right? It’s been a few weeks and nothing’s been made of it…I’m just saying.

Commercial!

Bischoff enters Jeff Jarrett‘s dressing room with a barbed wire baseball bat and tells him to use it in his match tonight with Abyss. Maybe he’ll give JJ a nice painting of Elvis, class the place up a little bit.

TNA X Division Champion Doug Williams, The Motor City Machine Guns, and Brian Kendrick vs. Amazing Red, Generation Me & Kazarian

Ha, Max & Jeremy’s last name is “Buck”. I haven’t seen this Kazarian fellow in awhile…where the hell’s he been? Doug attacks Kaz from behind, Kaz gets the advantage so Doug tags Kendrick in. GenMe with a funky double team…oh hell, do you expect me to call this? I’m just the fill-in guy. The Guns take the advantage and work over Max. Max tags Red in, sunset flip, misses the kick, rolls up Sabin for two. Twisting DDT by Red, Shelley breaks up the count. Doug in now, uppercuts to Red, knee in the corner, suplex, Doug up top.., Red kicks him off,tag to Kaz, dropkicks for Doug, swinging neck breaker gets two. GenMe does one of their moves I’ve seen before but have no idea what it’s called. Sabin kicks Kaz, Red dropkicks both Sabin & Shelley off the top, flip dive on the floor! Kazarian slingshots into a DDT on Doug for three!

Winners: Amazing Red, Generation Me & Kazarian (**)

Fun little spotfest there, but not really long enough to go anywhere or become a really good wrestling match. At least it established a “new” X Division contender.

Slick Johnson tells Abyss that he can’t leave because he has a match. Nice to see Slick still has a job.

During the commercial, Jarrett holds the barbed wire bat in his hand and contemplates life, the universe and everything. He changed into his ring gear pretty quickly, I must say.

At least nobody can accuse TNA of not telling people they were moving their show to Monday nights.

Abyss vs. Jeff Jarrett

You know, it’s amazing that these guys never had a feud for the NWA title. Since, you know, Jarrett feuded with everybody in the company for that title at one point or another. No music for JJ…I’d like to see the Impact Zone learn how to sing “My World”. Abyss is bigger than JJ and gets the early advantage. JJ kicks Abyss but runs into a clothesline. Abyss teases Shock Treatment, JJ fights out and hits an enziguri. Running charge by JJ with Abyss’s neck on the second rope. JARRETT STRUT! Abyss eats a big dropkick by Jarrett. Inverted atomic drop by Abyss, JJ fights back, clotheslines Abyss over the top rope! He sends Abyss into the guardrail, but Abyss gets a chair and takes it into the ring while JJ lies outside. He places the chair between the first and second turnbuckles. Mike Tenay refers to Abyss’s tunnel vision. Back in the ring, Abyss tries to whip JJ into the chair, JJ reverses, tries to ram Abyss into it, that doesn’t happen, a double clothesline takes both men out. Here comes Bischoff down the ramp…he nods with a smirk towards JJ as we head to commercial…

Sidewalk slam by Abyss gets two. Abyss runs into JJ’s boots, JJ goes to the second rope but jumps into a choke slam by Abyss that gets two. Abyss misses the elbow drop, JJ punches away on Abyss, JJ hits the Stroke once, then Strokes Abyss into the chair! That really should do it, but JJ gets the bat much to the delight of Bischoff! Abyss begs off, and Jarrett can’t bring himself to do it. He tosses the bat to the floor! Bischoff says that he knew he couldn’t trust JJ to do the job, and he sends Raven, Homicide, Tomko, Desmond Wolfe & Rhino to beat down Abyss & Jarrett.

Winner: No Contest (***)

(That rating will raise some eyebrows, but the in-ring action was really good and the finish made sense from the characters’ standpoint even though there wasn‘t a precious clean finish and nobody won.)

The dastardly heels hold Abyss while Bischoff comes down to the ring…Bisch is about to remove the mask, but here comes Hulk Hogan, who does not look pleased. He tells Abyss to get his ass back to his office. Hogan leaves while Bischoff is all like “I dunno man”, shrugging his shoulders and whatnot.

Abyss walks backstage with security, and Tenay promises us that the cameras will be there when they meet in Hogan’s office. Well why wouldn’t they be, they’re everywhere else in the damn building, aren’t they?

TNA Global Champion Rob Terry and Brutus Magnus vs. Beer Money Inc.

No Boozer Cruiser? Boourns. Magnus & James Storm start, big ol’ punch by Storm after being whipped off the ropes! Boot in the corner by Storm, but a cheap shot by Terry gives the Brit’s the advantage. Terry in now, running power slam! Tag to Magnus, cover gets two. Nice to see Magnus is still bossy. Big splash in the corner by Terry. Magnus tags himself back in. Storm tags Robert Roode, flying clothesline, big spine buster by Roode, Terry gets suplexed by Roode & Storm. BEER! MONEY! Storm with a plancha on Terry. Magnus eats Drinking While Investing and that gets the three count! That didn’t take long.

Winners: Beer Money Inc. (*1/2)

Magnus grabs the mike and claims that the belt has cut off the circulation to Terry’s head. He claims Terry is a disgrace and that he’s his superior. He slaps Terry and claims the belt should belong to him. Terry clotheslines Magnus. Brutus isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

Kevin Nash paces as we head to commercial.

Hogan is done with this crap! He tells Abyss to sit down, and Eric to get out. He’s sick of watching Abyss chase his tail and be afraid of his own shadow. Superman has a cape. Popeye has a can of spinach. He asks Abyss if he’s a monster. Hulkamania is big, brother. He will never back up again…Hulk Hogan’s Hall of Fame ring, which is his life, the only thing that’s always been with him and will always love him. Abyss says it encompasses Hulkamania and the world! Hogan gives Abyss the ring, which will give him the power of the universe and will make him the god of wrestling. He will be ten times the man, the wrestler, and stronger than Hulk Hogan ever was. He will be the man Hogan could never be! Abyss won’t let him down! He puts the ring on and feels it.

Wow.

Just…wow.

Daniels vs. Kurt Angle

Angle has a nice bandage on his head from Sunday. Daniels attacks early with stomps and clubs in the corner. Angle fights back, but Daniels palm thrusts him down. Daniels tries a sunset flip after a series of reversals, Angle turns it into an Angle lock, grapevines the leg, and Daniels taps?

Winner: Kurt Angle (DUD)

(Jeez, who’d Daniels piss off?)

Angle addresses Mr. Anderson after his grueling match, saying that he got pissed off when Anderson used a dog tag Angle was wearing to bust him open. Angle’s had a rough year, in case you haven’t heard. He gets moved to tears and the fans get behind him. He made an appearance at Ft. Hood that changed his life…he met all sorts of great people there, including a soldier that gave him his dog tag to remind him of who it is. He reads the inscription, entitled “Warrior”…man, the fans are eating this up with a spoon. When Anderson cut him with the tag, he didn’t make Angle bleed, he made the soldiers bleed. He made the family members bleed, he made the citizens bleed. When Anderson dropped it on his chest and spit on it, he spit on the soldiers and the United States of America. For that, Angle will make him suffer. He’s gonna make him bleed until every last drop is out of his body. He’ll see Ken Anderson in hell!

That was some pretty good stuff. Kurt really came off as sympathetic there and the fans completely bought into it.

Here comes Mr. Anderson to retort…after a commercial.

Anderson says he’s very touched, though I sense some sarcasm there. He’s amazed at Kurt’s abilities to suck up to the people. Angle wants a pat on the back, but Anderson sees that hunk of garbage as nothing more than a utensil to carve him up. He made Angle bleed! He likes to do that kind of thing, make people bleed. If he’s got a problem, or if he’s some kind of peacock, he can get him some. They fight on the stage, Anderson gets the advantage, hitting Angle’s wound with the microphone!

“Welcome, Kurt, to Total Nonstop Anderson!…………………..ANDERSON!”

Yeah, I know he’s injury prone as all hell, but I love me some Mr. Anderson. He’s such a glorious asshole with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. That’s what I like to see out of my villains. He knows he’s an asshole and he’s quite all right with it.

Jeremy Borash tries to talk with Samoa Joe (who isn’t talking) as he leaves…a white van almost runs Joe over, and then somebody pushes him into the trunk? Oh Good God.

Closing Promo!

Eric Young & Kevin Nash make their way to the ring. Nash doesn’t remember when or where, but for some reason he picked Hall & Waltman to be his friends. He bought a black suit ten years ago because he knew he’d be putting one of them in the dirt real soon. He doesn’t know what’s worse, the injuries or the heartbreak. He’s carried their asses for the last time, and now he wants them to find their way down to him. The business chews up people and spits them out, and he’s still standing.

Scott Hall & Sean Waltman appear in the crowd. Young slides out of the ring and battles with Waltman, gaining the advantage while Nash & Hall square off in the ring. Nash decks him and security runs in to separate them. Hulk Hogan stands on the stage and watches with his arms crossed. Nash declares that it’s on next week as we fade to black.

So, what’s next for the Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart?