411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.09.05

That’s right, folks- I’m back behind 411’s Smackdown Report. Seeing as how Velocity isn’t exactly on the radar for much longer (and I’m dreadfully afraid that people will forget my name), here I am, with the Smackdown brand’s premiere show- Smackdown. Also, back last year, I stopped doing Smackdown because I had school, work, homework, and Velocity eating up my time. Now, I’ve got almost none of those, so it works perfectly! Of course, Smackdown is pre-empted in New York during the month of September, meaning I won’t get to see it until Saturday. But whatever, it’s a small price to pay for INFINITE NOTORIETY!

Let’s get to the show!

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Legion of Doom © versus MNM

Is it Palmer Canon’s fault that they no longer show the “good view” of Melina’s ring entrance? Heidenreich beats on Nitro to start, then gets a clothesline. He follows with a back body drop, then lets Nitro tag Mercury… only Mercury doesn’t want the tag. Heidenreich tags Animal, who throws Nitro outside. He rams Nitro into the rail of pain, then stares down Mercury as he heads over. Animal takes Nitro back in, then whips him to the ropes and catches him with a big boot. Animal gets a mounted punch, then Mercury runs in with an elbow drop. Animal dodges, Mercury hits Nitro. The LOD get a double back elbow, but Nitro fights back. He tags Mercury and MNM attempt a double backdrop, but Heidenreich tosses them both down. Heidenreich was legal, I guess, because he tags Animal, who beats on Mercury before slamming his arm against the ring post. Tag to Heidenreich, who gets a double axe handle on Mercury’s arm. Mercury tries to fight back, but Heidenreich kicks him in the face. Heidenreich pulls Nitro in, and Melina distracts him. Nitro gets a guillotine, allowing Mercury to go to work on the big man. Mercury gets a jawbreaker, followed by a dropkick for two. Mercury tags Nitro, who catches Heidenreich with a running knee in the corner. Nitro hammers away on the mat, stomps, and covers for one as we got to a commercial. When we return, Mercury has Heidenreich in a front facelock. Mercury tags Nitro, and MNM work Heidenreich over in the corner. Nitro gets a couple of crossface punches, then tags Mercury, who gets a kneedrop. Heidenreich kicks out at two, and Mercury goes back to the front facelock. Heidenreich reaches out to Animal, but his arm would need to be a good eight feet longer to make the tag. Mercury nails Animal and goes up top, but Heidenreich tosses him off. Tag to Animal, who gets a shoulder tackle on Mercury, a VERY low kick on Nitro, then a back suplex on Mercury. Nitro gets clothesline out of the ring, and Animal catches a crossbody attempt by Mercury. Ref gets squashed, Melina runs in with a belt, Animal takes it. Animal levels Mercury and gets the pin.

Winners: The Legion of Doom
Match Time: 11:16 (including commercial)
Rating: **3/4
Commentary: It picked up towards the end, but nothing was doing prior to the commercial break. Also, the decision was ridiculous. And where was Jillian, dammit?

A video package of Randy Orton’s recent exploits is shown. They omit the part where he needed Cowboy Bob’s help to beat Hardcore Holly.

Ken Kennedy versus Paul London

Kennedy does his usual schtick (and remember, if you don’t watch Velocity, I’ve known about him for two weeks longer than you). London gets a hammerlock to start, but Kennedy knocks him off and works the back with kicks and punches. Kennedy whips London to the corner, then covers for two. London chops, but Kennedy hits a hard kick to his head. Kennedy covers for another two, then gets a scoop slam. He goes to the second rope and jumps off, but London raises a boot. Kennedy blocks it, and hits an elbow drop. Shit, can’t London get a SINGLE MOVE? Kennedy rakes the eyes, then gets a chest punch. Waistlock bearhug, which London escapes with forearms. London lands on his feet from a backdrop and hits the dropsault, then ducks a pump kick and hits the spinning heel kick. London gets a spinning tornado kick, the Kennedy backdrops him to the apron. London goes up top, but Kennedy catches him and hits his signature move (or as Michael Cole called it, “WHAT IMPACT!”) for the win.

Winner: Ken Kennedy
Match Time: 3:31
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Just a squash, which of course, pisses me off to no end. Okay, we get it, you guys are mad at Paul London. Let’s try and put it behind all of us, alright?

Scotty 2 Hotty versus Paul Burchill

Regal is doing commentary, so this is at least ***. Burchill cuts a promo about having Regal’s back and wanting to hurt people. His voice is funny. Oh wait, I’ve been informed that’s a British accent. He calls Scotty a poof. Very capable promo. Scotty attacks, then tosses Burchill to the corner and chops away on him. Scotty gets a punch, then a back body drop. Burchill gets an arm guillotine, then an arm wringer back inside. He continues to work the arm, wrapping it around the top rope and yanking. Modified Northern Lights into a crossface as Regal is great on commentary. Burchill used to be a teacher, but hates children. He taught anatomy- and how to destroy it. Scotty fights out and gets a Sunset Flip, but no dice. Scotty gets a superkick for two. Burchill dodges the worm dog, then gets Scotty up on his shoulders, but Scotty slides out. He gets a rollup, but Burchill kicks out, sending Scotty into the ringpost shoulder-first. Burchill rams hin back into the post twice more, then hits a sweet shoulderbreaker into the Fujiwara Armbar for the win.

Winner: Paul Burchill
Match Time: 3:35
Rating: **3/4
Commentary: Short, but Burchill really looked like a million bucks out there. His promo was good (but of course, overshadowed by Regal’s work), and his wrestling was great. I’m psyched, darn it.

Backstage, Ken Kennedy introduces himself to Sharmell, and brags about beating Booker last week. Kennedy suggests that Booker should get a title shot from Chris Benoit. Hey, however it happens, it’s good by me.

The Undertaker’s music hits, and the crowd digs it. Sadly, it’s actually Undertaker, rather than Orton in his getup or the midget. He threatens Orton, but unfortunately for the viewer, he does it in more words than I used. This brings out Orton (pere and fils), the younger of which promises to give Taker his retirement fund money from the DVD sale. It’s a BIG CARDBOARD CHECK for $1,416.00. Hah, Taker wouldn’t even refuse to squash a promising young talent for that sort of money. Orton signs the check, then dares Orton to get it. Some cartoony lightning strikes the check, and it goes on fire.

Hey, they’re playing the opening again! Bonus for me!

Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio, Jr.

Eddie beats on Rey in the corner to start, but Rey fights back. Eddie takes the upper hand and throws Rey into the cage. He sets Rey up between his legs, lifts him up for a powerbomb, then slams him back into the cage several times. Eddie nails Rey with a couple of punches, then whips him to the ropes. Rey ducks a clothesline, Eddie catches a quebrada, Rey reverses into an armdrag, Eddie goes running, Rey kicks him over. Rey knocks Eddie into 619 position, but that dog won’t hunt, monsignor. Rey gets a dropkick for two, then climbs up the buckle. Eddie hooks him under the legs, but Rey spins down into a powerbomb. Rey gets up and starts climbing once again, but Eddie grabs him by the leg and pulls Rey down, crotching him on the rope as we go to a commercial. As we get back, Eddie’s climbing the cage. Rey grabs him by the foot, but Eddie kicks him off. Rey climbs up, and Eddie grabs him and gives him a Russian Legsweep. We see some footage from the break, where Eddie hit a back suplex and a powerbomb. Both men get up, Rey charges, Eddie springs him up, Rey grabs the cage and tries to climb over. Eddie follows, and both men are sitting on the top of the cage trading blows. Rey gets over, but Eddie grabs him and pulls him back up. Rey gets a headbutt, and Eddie comes close to falling out of the cage. Both men go back in and trade punches and kicks on the top rope. Rey dropkicks Eddie, and both men fall back down to the canvas. They trade punches from their knees, then fight to a standing base. Eddie gets a DDT, then heads for the door. Rey grabs him by the foot, but Eddie kicks him away. Rey comes back and grabs Eddie’s tights. He loses his grip, regains it, and pulls Eddie back in. Rey hits that running/flying leg wrap-bulldog thing, and we head to another commercial. When we return, Rey climbs up, but Eddie’s got him. He pounds on Rey’s back, then hooks him for a powerbomb. Eddie hits some face punches, then tries to go over, but Eddie grabs him. Eddie hooks him for a powerbomb once more, but Rey reverses into a hurricanrana from the top. As it, Eddie was standing on the top turnbuckle. Rey gets up, then starts climbing. Eddie hits his feet, then goes after Rey, who kicks him back down. Rey turns around as Eddie gets up, then goes for a crossbody from the top of the cage, but Eddie dodges. SERVED! Rey hits the mat, and Eddie goes for the door. He goes out onto the steps, then stares at Rey, and finally goes back in the ring. He climbs to the top turnbuckle, hits the Frog Splash, and makes the pin.

Winner: Eddie Guerrero
Match Time: 17:21 (including commercials)
Rating: ***1/2
Commentary: Not an excellent match, but the ending was an achievement in the field of heeldom. Good on Eddie.

WWE United States Championship Match: Chris Benoit © versus Orlando Jordan

Earlier tonight (or that night), Orlando guaranteed he’d knock Benoit out. He starts with a big punch, but only gets two. He tries more punches, but Benoit locks the crossface, getting the tapout.

Winner: Chris Benoit
Match Time: 22.5 seconds
Rating: *- sure, nothing happened, but I’m not gonna give no stars to a Benoit match.
Commentary: Sucks for Orlando Jordan. But easy for me to recap, I’ll give it that.

Teddy Long books Undertaker-Orton for next week. Joy.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Batista © versus John Bradshaw Layfield

They’ve got the nifty lights set up, giving an antiquated match a current spin. Kind of like hitting somebody with an X-Box in a Bunkhouse Brawl. If anybody could lift those, of course. JBL touches the first corner immediately, then brawls with Batista. Batista yanks JBL down, then chokes him with the rope. He slaps one corner, then whips Bradshaw to the mat a couple of times. The lights are all off. Batista hits a few knees, then forearms JBL down. Batista slaps a corner, but JBL grabs the bottom rope, preventing him from getting a second. Batista slams JBL in each corner as he touches it, getting three lights (but why no lights for Bradshaw?) until he takes a short-arm clothesline from the ex-champ. Bradshaw gets two lights before getting clotheslined down. Batista gets an uppercut, but Bradshaw comes back with an eye poke. Bradshaw punches on Batista in the corner, then takes up the cowbell. He whacks Batista in the head with it, flattening him. Bradshaw touches three corners, but Batista yanks the rope before he can get the last one. Bradshaw tries to pull himself to the final corner, but no dice. Batista nails JBL with the cowbell, then touches three corners. However, before the last, JBL rolls out of the ring. Batista grabs him by the hair, but Bradshaw gets an eye poke and a low blow as we go to a commercial. Batista lifts Bradshaw onto his shoulders as we come back, then touches three corners. Bradshaw slides off, then clocks Batista with the bell. I’m running out of synonyms for “hits” to use with that damn bell. Bradshaw gets a short clothesline, but Batista blocks the ensuing Clothesline from Hell attempt. Batista whips Bradshaw with the bell multiple times, then sets him up for the Batista Bomb. He nails it, and Bradshaw is bleeding. Batista chokes him with the rope, then sort of ties JBL up behind him. This leads to touches by both men on three corners, until Batista flips Bradshaw over, putting him inches from the corner. This lasts for several dramatic seconds until Batista pulls him in, nails a spinebuster, and slaps the final corner for the win.

Winner: Batista
Match Time: 12:39
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Crappy match, but the bullrope made for a hot crowd (one guy in the crowd grabbed his head as JBL came the last corner, and I don’t blame him one bit). Hopefully, Bradshaw is done with main events.

We get a promo for Orton-Taker, and that’s the show!

Not a bad way to kick off a new beginning, but nothing staggered me. The wrestling was good, but not good enough to carry a storyline-light show. Still, way better than Raw this week.